Why I keep a journal.

A little girl came into my job with her mom today. Her mom was setting up an order for a birthday party over the weekend (I work in a bakery) and while she did that, the little girl wrote in a little pink journal. Which later spawned a discussion about diaries and journals later.

The people I worked with today were all in agreement that beyond a certain age, journals are ridiculous.

I admitted I have one that I write in regularly. Once they realized I was serious, I heard a variety of opinions on the subject but most of them were negative. Which I've heard before but I never understood.

Some people think it's dumb I keep a notebook as a journal. I'm 28, why would I want to have a notebook full of thoughts and feelings? Why can't I just talk them out with a friend or relative or someone else I feel confident confiding in? Some people think it's "dishonest" to keep one because I'm "hiding" things. All of this seems silly to me. I realized if I hear things like this, others probably do as well. It doesn't discourage me or make me feel bad for something I like doing but it perplexes me why people see it as bad or wrong or stupid.

I've never been good at opening myself up to others on an emotional level. I'm great at being there for other people. I don't have a problem listening and doing what I need to help. When it comes to me needing to talk something out that's difficult? I can if it's not something deeply personal, laced with emotion, that will leave me feeling raw and vulnerable. Just the thought of that kicks my anxiety issues into overdrive.

It's not that I never reach out when I should. Sometimes I do, even when my anxiety is screaming at me to just be quiet. If it's really serious, chances are I'll work myself up to talking to someone no matter how much I don't want to.

Sometimes, I need to get my thoughts and/or feelings out of my head but talking about them to someone isn't an option I want to take. I just need to say things without anyone hearing them because it helps bring clarity and other times it just helps to see my thoughts and/or feelings on paper.

So, I write in a journal when I need to because it helps me. I don't care if anyone thinks it's childish, dumb, silly, etc. I don't do it for anyone other than myself. Writing it out is better than keeping it all inside. It's how I work through a lot of things and it works for me. Writing is such a basic thing but it can be oh so powerful.

This is not an acid trip....

I was walking down the street on my way to the convenience store for a pack of gum, a bottled water and an energy drink. It was a gorgeous day; low 70's with a light breeze and big, puffy white clouds against the blue sky. The light breeze rustled the leaves of the trees that served as a shady canopy above my head. Cars passed by and there were others out walking as well. I could have taken the car but the convenience store was only two miles from where I live. Why not walk on such a lovely day?

I got to the crosswalk and stopped, hitting the button and then waiting for the light to change. My cell phone started ringing. I reached into my pocket for it but it wasn't there. I ran my hands over the length of my body but didn't feel my phone anywhere. I looked around and saw it laying on the sidewalk a couple feet to the right of me. I walked towards it and picked it up, puzzled about how it ended up there. I shrugged, answered the phone and then I fell through the the hole that opened suddenly in the concrete.

I felt myself sliding rapidly downwards in darkness. The material I was on was smooth and cool against my hands as I tried to grasp onto something uselessly. It felt thin and I momentarily panicked about it not being strong enough to hold me. I screamed and the sound echoed all around me. I came to what I thought was the end but it was just a wide curve in the material. I was sliding downward still but now I was going in multiple directions instead of only down. I tried to keep up. Left, right, left, straight again, right and then I felt my stomach turn as I was propelled upwards instead of down. My stomach turned again and I felt my eyes fluttering shut. I wouldn't puke but I might pass out. Wonderful. Just as my eyes began to close, I was launched into the air. My limbs were flailing as I sailed through the air, the darkness disappearing being replaced my a blinding white light. I shut my eyes tightly and felt myself free falling through the brightness.

I gritted my teeth and braced myself for a rough landing. I landed on a mattress and rolled off falling onto the too soft grass. I looked around and I was surprised to see tiny candy canes growing out of the too soft purple grass. Purple grass? I rubbed my eyes, kept them shut briefly and then opened them again. Yeah, purple grass with tiny candy canes growing out of it. I laughed and stood. I inhaled deeply and smelled peppermint, burning wood and vanilla. I looked around wondering what was burning and where the vanilla scent was coming from. I began walking slowly. All I could see was purple grass and the tiny candy canes. There seemed to be a point a half mile away where everything stopped. I walked that way. I reached the point where I couldn't see any further and suddenly, the grass under my feet widened, spreading out to reach further. Tiny candy canes popped up in the new grass. I stepped forward. Little houses, vibrantly colored and strangely decorated, popped up out of thin air. Shops and strange little people appeared too. I sped up my pace and tried to catch up to the strange looking people.

My phone rang and I pulled it out of my pocket to answer it. I answered it and music filtered out from the other end. I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at it. It started melting slowly in my hand. I stared at it, mouth hanging open slightly, shocked and a bit confused. It was melting. It sizzled and cracked as it melted slowly. I felt like it should hurt but it didn't. It was popping and crackling in my hands yet felt cool to the touch, like running my hand under cold water after a slight burn. I stared at it strangely and watched as it continued melting into a puddle. The puddle started overflowing gently, falling to the grass around me. As soon as it hit the soft grass, the grass sizzled and began smoldering slightly. I flung the rest of the melting mess out of my hand and stomped on it as it hit the grass. It stopped smoldering and started changing colors. I watched for a second as it turned from blue to yellow to orange and then, it was gone, as if it had never been there in the first place.

I took ten steps, looking towards a few of the houses thinking I could get to one and find out what was happening. I got to a road that was made of purple bricks dusted with black glitter I paused and stared at the bricks for a few seconds. I moved to take another step forward but never made it onto the bricks. I was sucked into the ground and felt myself falling again. This time, I was not surrounded by total darkness. The tunnel I was sliding down was like a kaleidoscope of bright colors and pretty patterns. I got dizzy watching them all fly by but I couldn't close my eyes, couldn't stop staring as the colors and designs flew by me.

I launched out of the tunnel again. I landed on my feet and found myself standing in line at the convenience store. I looked around me, freaked out. The cashier got my attention and told me my total. I looked at him but didn't really see him. I heard him ask if I was okay. I shook my head and looked at him again. He looked concerned and I wondered how crazy I must seem in that moment. I smiled and pulled a a ten dollar bill out, left it on the counter and walked out of the store with my bag of items I had no recollection of picking up. I stood outside the door and inhaled. I smelled familiar smells. Gasoline, trees, a little of the dirty smell that hung over the town and something different, something not usually there. Peppermint. I looked down and saw little bits of purple grass sinking back down into the sidewalk.

I started running, towards my house, without looking back, without looking around me. As I ran, the purple grass started springing up around me again. I skidded to a stop on the street that I lived on as I watched the grass roll up through the concrete. I stopped, looking around. Beautiful, lush trees in vibrant colors shot up from the ground around me. I watched as little sparkling bulbs, one that looked like big, round Christmas ornaments, sprouted on all of the trees around me. The white fluffy clouds above my head began swirling and turned into a red color. The air smelled like vanilla now and I began walking slowly in the direction that my house should have been in.

I heard a shrill voice call my name and looked over my shoulder. A girl with bubble gum pink hair was waving at me frantically as she yelled my name. She appeared to be running but it didn't seem like she was getting any closer to me. She had bright blue makeup on and hot pink glitter dusted over her entire face. She was wearing a bright yellow dress, resembling the one Belle wears at the end of Beauty in the Beast and black combat boots. Suddenly, she reached behind her and produced a handful of candy canes. She launched them at me and I started running again. One of the candy canes hit me in the head and then another hole opened up and I was falling again. I was going down a spiral slide this time, black lights and plastic white stars lighting the way as I slid downwards. I slowly slid downward for what seemed like miles and then finally reached the end. I hit the ground and it was damp, purple and orange bubbles everywhere. The room smelled of cinnamon and the only light was still the black light and plastic stars. I looked around and saw what seemed to be a hallway. I followed the glowing plastic stars until I came to a door.

I reached to push the door open and then there was an arrow just above where my hand was. I looked behind me and saw several pairs of eyes and nothing more staring at me in the darkness. More arrows hit the wall around me and I reached for the door again. I pushed it open and rushed to step outside. I was on the side of a cliff and stopped myself from stepping down. Jagged rocks in vibrant colors and bright blue waves crashing violently against them were all that I could see below me. Suddenly, I felt hands on my back. I could smell vanilla again and started to fight back. Then several pairs of hands were restraining me rendering me unable to fight anything off. Someone whispered, "sorry love" against my ear and then I was being pushed across the threshold down into the jagged rocks and crashing waves. I was flailing down and looked back up at the door. All I could see where the eyes all staring down at me for a few seconds. Then it was arrows raining down on me as I fell toward to rocks and violent waters.

--------------------------

I woke up then, initially panicked and then relaxed a little when I realized I was laying in bed still. I inhaled deeply and then sighed, relieved that I didn't smell anything sweet or see anything brightly colored or sparkling. I looked around the room but couldn't make out more than vague shapes in the darkness. The bedroom was quiet and all I could hear was my boyfriend's rhythmic breathing next to me. I smiled to myself and laughed at myself before I closed my eyes and drowsily drifted back off to sleep. Thankfully, that dream didn't pick back up where it left off. :)

And no, I didn't drink or eat anything weird before bed. I didn't watch or read anything weird. I didn't drink any alcohol at all yesterday and I didn't take any different or odd medication. If you've read my blog long or known me long enough (or know me well enough) then you probably know I have semi-odd dreams like that pretty much every time I dream. I'm also really good at remembering my dreams most of the time and dream rather often.

Happy Thursday!

Blah blah blah...

I have a few things I want to write about. I just can't seem to find the words to do it right now. I started different posts about each topic I want to cover but I ended up not wording them the way I wanted to. You ever write something out and you can't make the words line up with your thoughts? I want to be able to convey my thoughts accurately instead of just half-assed. So, when I get my head cleared, I'll write some of the things I want to address. And oh, are they some fun topics. ;)

I didn't do a Drink of the Day post this weekend. I didn't get much feedback when I asked how regularly y'all wanted to see those posts up. I figure I'll drop that down to every other week or once a month. Or just stop doing them. Depends on what I feel like doing, lol.

NHL PLAYOFFS START SOON! Yesterday was the last bunch of regular season games. The Stars didn't make the playoffs this season. If you thought that would be the end of my hockey blogging and hockey twittering for this season, you would be wrooong. I love hockey and even though the Stars aren't in the playoffs, I'm totally going to watch a lot of games anyway. :D

I hope all of you had a nice weekend. Did ya? Did ya? Huh huh huh? ;)

Happy Monday!

It's a big one!

I had to bring back the damn word verification on comments. Sorry but it won't be there long. Just a couple weeks to get the spam out of here. I contemplated just disabling anonymous comments but I have a lot of super long time readers who comment that way since they don't have blogs and don't want their google account info out there. It's all good. Word verification is just a minor inconvenience. A temporary one at that.

Also, I'm going to be changing something soon. I'll have a new URL and I'll be writing under a different name. The blog title will be the same. The content will be a bit different. The name I'll be writing under will be my real first name though. I'm a little freaked out by that but meh, not really. I'm doing that because I am writing articles for a couple different websites and I want to be able to tie those in with my blog. The articles are under my real first name though and tying them in with my blog will help for the exposure that I want to get with that. The content change won't be huge. Just the addition of the articles, more posts with substance, much less about sex, more about sports than I already post, more creative writing like I used to do and all around just less crap. I'll still post pictures but I will not be participating in HNT anymore, ever. I just don't care to do it anymore. I don't have any interest in it. It's not that I don't want to do it because I think I have too many people coming here just to perv at my tits or whatever. I don't care about that. I just don't have an interest in doing it anymore. Anyway, I'm working on design for the new blog and eventually just want my own domain. I'll need help with that. After I can afford it which is the issue with not setting up my own domain now, lol. Anyway, moving on to something else.

I'm almost done with the book of stories I'm doing too. It's a collection of all the weird and sometimes crazy dreams I have. I got the idea from several people to put a collection of those stories together and make a book. I've been working on it for months. I think I've got a good amount now, I just have another dream I want to add to it. A recurring one I have. I'm just having trouble writing it but I'm happy it's all coming together.

My Stars play the Columbus Blue Jackets tonight. Which will be interesting because CBJ just fired their head coach, Ken Hitchcock, yesterday. Hitchcock is also a former Dallas Star's head coach. We played a damn good game on Tuesday night against the Minnesota Wild. We won that one in regulation 2-4. Turco, who has had a struggle this season, played the best game he's played all damn season. Which I hope he can keep up since they're talking trades in regard to him. He's one of my favorite players (I'm wearing my Turco Stars jersey tshirt right now as a matter of fact) and I'd be sad as hell to see him go. Though if that does end up happening, I'm not going to be surprised since I expect it to given his performance this season. Hopefully the Stars play tonight the way they did Tuesday. Aside from Turco being solid in net, the whole team played better than they have in a while. Everyone seemed like they were working really well together and it was a damn good game. Much better than Sunday against Phoenix. The Boyfriend and I went to the Phoenix game and bleh, that was a sad game to sit through. Though we always stay until the very end. I did get some cool pictures during the game that I spammed Twitter with, lol.

Speaking of Twitter, I asked for some questions and said I'd answer 5 of them on my blog today. I got some really good questions. Please don't be offended if I didn't pick yours to answer on here. Especially since I already privately answered the ones I didn't use, lol.

@TonyChliek: If you could do it all over again what one thing would you change? Remember your life will take a 180 if you change anything.

Easy. I wouldn't change anything at all. I realize that changing one thing in the passed could end up changing entirely everything about the present if I had the chance to go back and change something. So, I wouldn't change a thing. Everything I've done up until this point, while sometimes reckless and stupid, has gotten me to where I am today and made me the person I am. I don't regret the way I've lived my life even though I've done some dumb things, illegal things, made poor choice, been human, etc. I don't dwell on mistakes either. I learn from them and move on. I see no point in dwelling or second guessing things that can't be changed.


@zhukov43: if you could have had a time specific career in history what would it have been?

That's a tough one. There are a lot of things I'd dig going back and doing. I'd love to go back and join Amelia Earhart in her journey and adventures.

Perhaps a cook or something in the palace of King Loui XVI and Marie Antoinette. Just so I could creep around and see what was really going down.

Maybe go back to the late 1400's/early 1500's and be an explorer. How could would it have been to do that? I love adventure and I love the unknown. I'm always trying new things and wanting to go and see new places. I would have loved exploration back in a time when everything was so much less developed and so unknown.

I could also go back and stalk William Shakespeare. More so, I wouldn't really want to stalk him. I'd just want to find out if there was ever any truth to the controversy over rumors that he didn't write his own plays. Was he he fraud or were people just haters who wouldn't believe you didn't need a formal education to be able to write beautiful brilliance? I'm sneaky, I'd find that shit out.

That's good on that. I could go on for a long time about things in history I would have like to see or be a part of, lol.


Kevin (asked that his Twitter page not linked): I know you love watching hockey and you certainly understand it and love it so would you ever consider playing?

I did play hockey, actually. I played for several years when I was younger. Mostly it was only guys playing but there were two other girls that played in the league as well. One of my brothers played too, not on the same team. I can't recall if we ever had to play each other though. That was such a fun time in life. I loved it. I still play for fun, just not on a team. I really don't have the time to dedicate to that but it would be fun. Maybe one day. ;)


Josh (asked that his Twitter page not linked): Have you ever been kicked out of a bar or club before?

Yes but never because of something I did. It was always because of someone else that was in the group acting foolish. That hasn't happened in 5 years though. I don't hang out with morons who don't know how to act anymore. =)


Tawny (asked that her Twitter page not linked): What is one event that happened to you that was really hard to overcome?

Being in an armed robbery, having a gun to the back of my head, being surrounded by guys all in black. Having one of them yelling at me, screaming obscenities and threatening to kill me as he waved a gun at me. It was without a doubt, the most scary thing I've ever been through and it changed the way I felt about a lot of things. It changed the way I saw a lot of things. It changed me in a lot of ways. Sadly, not all of those were good changes but still, things changed and I learned to cope with the things that weren't for the better. I went through some really weird phases because I refused to talk about it and I refused to get help. I was so angry at myself because I felt so weak for feeling so scared. I was constantly anxious and on the verge of panic attacks. I was a mess and I was angry at myself for being a mess. It was the hardest thing I've gone through in all honesty. It didn't have to be as hard as I made it. I should have gone to a therapist like people wanted me to but I didn't. I should have talked about it more with someone, especially since I refused to see a therapist. I should have wrote about it. I should have talked about my feelings. I should have done that differently but I didn't and that's just the way it is. I didn't know what to do or how to deal. I was confused, hurting, angry, anxious, scared and pretty much a big fucking mess inside. I don't regret not reaching out more or going to get help though. In not doing that, I learned what I had to do to push myself through and to help myself get passed this. I did talk to my boyfriend about it and I did tell him some of what I was going through so it wasn't like I shut it all in. I had a friend I talked to a little bit as well. Though, I'm not on good terms with that dude anymore but still, he listened and tried to reach out when he wasn't too busy dwelling in his own problems. My boyfriend saw me and knew what a mess I was. He saw the crazy things I was doing like obsessively checking locks on doors and windows and obsessively going to check out what 'that noise was' every time I heard anything at all. And meh, all the other stuff I was doing. He helped me in a lot of ways and it made us closer. Had I not relied on him so much while I tried to work my issues and anxieties out, I'm not sure where I would have been. Had it not been for him, I might have killed myself with alcohol poisoning too since I was drinking more than any human being should ever drink. And having him stick by my while I teetered between working through my issues in a crazy manner and self-destructing? That made me realize that he is an absolutely wonderful guy and that what we had is truly special. I knew he was great but having an epic melt down where you're acting like an irrational, crazy, confused girl quite often or being a crazy bitch or just drowning in booze and having someone there who will stand by you in all of it and not walk away? It made me realize that my previous notion that no long term relationship would ever be worth it was so wrong. It also made me realize that I wasn't this horrible, selfish, meaningless person unworthy of love from someone other than family members.

Did you make it this far? Grab yourself a cookie, lol. This is the longest post I've written in a long time and honestly, it's not that lengthy. I definitely have posts in the archives that make this one seem like a few short paragraphs, lol.

Happy Thursday!

Sigh...

Don't forget to scroll down to the next post and check out the COOLEST fucking sex blogger contest ever, courtesy of the lovely and wonderful Bad Bad Girl.



I was going to post the "How Important Is Sex Or Lack Of To You In A Serious Relationship" post today BUT... I was doing that post with another person. We collaborated on it together, it was rather long and our responses and thoughts were intermixed. She e-mailed me about an hour ago and told me she had changed her mind and did not want me publishing the post after all. She politely asked me to take the post down (if I saw her e-mail after it had auto-posted) and remove everything she had added to the post.

So, now I have to pretty much do the post all over again. I did delete her paragraphs and her comments to my paragraphs but there were a few points she made that I expounded on and made examples with. She requested that I remove those as well. So, I have to re-write the damn post. She did apologize for chickening out on me and luckily for her, I was up and got the e-mail in time to cancel the scheduled post.

The post took us two hours to write together. Now I had to edit and re-write it over again. Which won't be happening right now. Which honestly bums me out, it was going to be a pretty damn good post and I was excited to have a guest writing with me on the subject. Now it has to be re-done, which I will do. I really like what I had but yeah, no time to spend on it now. Also, I have to change the angle a bit and talk to my boyfriend. To change it, I'll be using him as the angle and I need to make sure he's okay with sharing some personal stories about him. He reads my blog so I don't want him reading it and finding out I posted some shit he might not have wanted me posting. Best to make sure he's cool with it first before I do it and hopefully he's cool with me sharing the information I want to share now that I don't have my guest sharing.

So, I apologize to those who came here today looking for that post. I had it done but meh, not my fault really. My guest did apologize literally 15 different times for backing out on such short notice so I extend that apology to anyone who came here looking for that post today. Which I know based on some of the e-mails I got inquiring, several of you were looking forward to that. Don't worry, I'll fix it and get it done! =o)

Happy Tuesday!

Even in madness I know you still believe....

Playing the piano is very relaxing to me. I love to play. The music fills my mind and my soul. Stress and tension flows out of my body as my fingers glide across the keys. Listening to someone play well is just as relaxing. I love listening to a piano being played and could listen for hours. Laying out somewhere, eyes closed, just letting the music wash over me and tickle my senses. My iPod has a few instrumental pieces that contain piano compositions. I have a mix of classical music as well. I find the piano to be the most soothing, relaxing and beautiful of any instrument. The violin is beautiful too. I love laying in bed, eyes closed, ear buds in with soothing music pouring out into my ears when I'm finding it difficult to sleep. When I have too much on my mind and that causes sleep to escape me, I can count on the soothing sounds to help me fall asleep. They relax me so much and if I let the music fill my head, focus only on that, it distracts me long enough to help me fall blissfully into slumber.

I get to see my boyfriend soon! Which is awesome, of course. I get to spend time with him and go out to do some things I don't do normally. Pretty much, I work and hang out at home out here. Not so fun, lol.

I also get to go to the beach soon. Boyfriend and I will be going at some point when he's here. I'm sure the water is still going to be a bit cold but I bet I'll find myself in it anyway. ;) I don't go to the beach and not get in the water at least a little bit. I'll have to remember to take my camera for some awesome pictures too.


I was writing a book full of short stories for a while and then I stopped. I wasn't happy with it and was convinced I wouldn't get anyone to buy it anyway. Some insanely encouraging people have me feeling better about that though. Also, I want to try again. Part of my giving it up was a fear I would just fail. Never completing what I started is a failure in itself to me though. If I finish it, at least I finished what I started and at least I tried.

My birthday is exactly a month away. WOW! Lol.

I'll be 24 and people still think I look like a teenager. At the concert Wednesday night, I got patted down by the security woman while they let my mom pass. She said my mom didn't look dangerous. My mom asked if I looked dangerous. The woman replied, "At that age, they are all dangerous." My mom told the woman I was almost 24 and the woman did a double take and didn't believe my mom. Once my age was confirmed, she just shook her head and said, "Lucky her!" I get carded to buy R-rated movies in Wal-Mart. I've been carded to buy cough syrup before since you know, high school kiddos get high guzzling DayQuil. I have issues at times when I want to buy liquor depending on the store and how strict they are about being lawful and carding people. I almost always get carded for cigarettes. I have never once got carded in sex toy stores adult novelty shops though despite being with others who have been carded the moment they walked through the door, lol.


Hockey time! Boston and Anaheim were both eliminated yesterday. It's down to the Hurricanes and the Penguins in the East and the Red Wings and the Blackhawks in the West. I hope the Canes get the east and for the West, I'm actually having a hard time deciding which team I want to see make it to the fight for Stanley. Sad stuff though, hockey is about over. We have one more round in the playoffs to go through to knock out two more teams and then the other two will battle it out for the Stanley. Then one team will win and hockey will be done this season. Sadness I tell you!

The Mavericks got knocked out in Round two of the NBA Playoffs by fucking Denver. Not talking about that. At least we got passed round one this season though. AND we knocked out the Spurs in round one to get to round two so HA! I know the Spurs are a Texas team too but I can't stand them. Hell fucking yes for knocking out the Spurs and making it to round two! Even if we lost in round two, lol.

And......

That's all y'all!

Happy Friday!

Was it all too much or just not enough?

Normally, I would play the half naked picture show today. Like I said last week, I'm not going to play as often on my blog. I'll pretty much only play when I'm in the mood too though I still post pictures with regularity on my blog as it is. I did have pictures for today but I'm not in the mood to mess with it this week.

Instead, I'll post something a bit more private than a half naked shot of some body part. Get your mind out of the gutter. This is an excerpt from a short story I wrote and submitted to a contest. It's only a small portion of the story but I didn't want to post the full thing here.

"She's walking down a hallway. She's the only one there. There are small lights that cast a dim glow. Not enough to see much. Enough to see that there are no windows on either side. Enough to see the walls on both sides are smooth and black. Enough of a glow and a wide enough path so that she doesn't feel suffocated, claustrophobic, trapped. She walks slowly, cautiously. Not sure what to expect. Not sure where this dimly light path will take her. She notices she's barefoot and that her feet sink softly into the black plush carpet beneath her feet. She reaches a hand out as she walks, trailing fingers over the smooth dark walls. It feels like marble. What a strange place. An amused smile spreads across her lips and she walks on. There's no rush. She feels no immediate danger.

She lets her mind wander as she walks. Disappointing thoughts fill her head. She shakes her head, as if a physical attempt the shake the thoughts free would actually work. She laughs at herself. Silly girl. She shrugs and gives in, letting the thoughts flow freely. She wonders about the mistakes she's made recently. She knew they were the wrong decisions to make. She had a feeling deep inside her gut that told her before she went through that she was making a mistake. She ignored the instinct, taking the benefit of the doubt, hoping she could get something for nothing. She let another smile spread across her lips. Bitter and full or mirth at the same time. Funny how physical expressions were so full of emotion without even trying. If she couldn't laugh at her foolishness, she would hate herself for it. You didn't get anything of value without paying a price. It was silly to think otherwise. Absolutely preposterous really.

Her steps slowed as her thoughts turned from her actions to her emotions. At that, she tried to mentally slam the biggest steel door she could imagine stop to end the change of thought. Actions she could deal with thinking about. She could not change those, could not go back and do things differently. Regret wasn't something she wasted time with. Actions she could control. Emotions, she wasn't sure how to control all the time. Forcing them away she could handle. This time, it didn't work. Feelings of sadness, despair, isolation and defeat wrapped around her. She could see her life passing her by with each day of hollow existence. Tears welled in her eyes and she clenched her jaw tightly, willing the tears away. Fighting against them hoping to keep them from spilling down her cheeks. She lost. Tears streamed down her cheeks effortlessly and she let out a ragged breath she hadn't known she had been holding in. She let the wall inside her crumble to nothing and let the emotion flood through her like a dam bursting. The sudden surge of emotion took her over from the inside out and she found herself sitting on the floor, back against the smooth wall. She buried her head into her hands. No one was there to see or her hear yet she still felt shame, felt a need to hide. She couldn't bear the thought that she was letting herself lose control this way. You can't really hide from yourself. You can try but it's a silly notion, a waste of time to try. Tears continued rolling warmly down her cheeks. The ache she felt from inside didn't subside any. If anything, it only worsened. Deepened, stretching inside, trying to take up as much space as it could.

She felt weak and vulnerable. Vile and ugly. Defeated and worthless. She was disgusted with herself, her lack of control. Her resolve to give in and give up so quickly. She couldn't begin to understand all the emotions she felt building inside her. She tried to grasp on to a coherent thought from all the words racing through her mind. She could not make anything out. It was all a mess. Just words spoken with no sense or reason. She began sobbing and lost what little control she had left."

Happy Thursday.