"Music doesn't have to be so fucking dramatic."

Words I heard from someone today: "I hate how people make music such a dramatic thing, it's just music you don't have to attach so much meaning and drama to a fucking song. You can just listen to it and enjoy the artistry without making it a big, emotional deal."

That's definitely not the first time I've heard or directly been told that, either. To that, I say....

Yes, yes you can JUST ENJOY MUSIC as is without attaching any meaning or emotions to it. Some songs, that's all I do. Ellie Goulding's "Lights", Billy Joel's "The River of Dreams" and Opeth's "The Grand Conjuration" are three of my favorite songs to just listen to and enjoy. They're all very different songs about vastly different things and I just enjoy them.

Then there are other songs that do inspire emotional reactions.

I cannot bring myself to listen to Linkin Park's "My December" because it reminds me of a friend that died in a car crash caused by a drunk driver. We listened to that song so many times because she loved to hear me sing along with it and she also loved the song. The first time I heard it after she died, I had to pull the car over because I completely lost my composure and sat in a gas station parking lot sobbing for 10 minutes. All I could think about was her and how ironically she'd said a few weeks before she died that she wanted to get some of the lyrics from that song tattooed on her arm as a graduation gift because she was going to get through nursing school despite the dozens of obstacles in her way. I remember how she had laughed and said she had better live a long damn laugh after all the years she's spent in school and all the hard work it took to finish highschool and get through nursing school all while raising a beautiful baby girl. I remembered how her face lit up when she listened to me sing that song fir the first time. She said I put all the right emotions into the words that she felt the most and that made her feel better about everything because it made her realize she wasn't so alone because we were both lost and struggling with the same things in different circumstances. I still get a little sad and miss her whenever I stumble across that song so I skip passed it and don't listen to it.

I can't listen to another song, one by a band I absolutely love, because that was the song an ex boyfriend had on loop the night I found him on his bathroom floor covered in blood because he had tried to kill himself. I had to unplug his boombox to get that song to stop playing because it was stuck on repeat and I couldn't change it. I hear that song and it reminds me of that because that's an incredibly vivid memory I have involving the song and that's not something I want to think about or relive in my mind again.

I get that some people would think it's ridiculous to refuse to listen to a song because of memories it brings up or because of emotions it evokes. I get that some people don't connect the dots between music and moments. That some people don't involved emotion with the music. I get that for some people music is just noise to fill the silence. I'm not one of those people.

It's not even just connecting with the words of a song. Sometimes I hear a guitar solo on a blues guitar that fills me with so much joy that I feel like my chest might explode. Or I'll hear someone play something on a piano that's so beautiful and soulful that I end up filled with the emotion the artist is channeling into their music. Sometimes when I play piano, it's for fun. Sometimes it's because I need to express something but I can't find the words so I let my fingers dance across the keys until I feel better.

For me, music is a lot of things. It is fun and enjoyable and doesn't always have a lot of meaning in it. Then sometimes I hear a song that so beautifully articulates thoughts or feelings I have or an experience I'm going through or have gone through and it becomes an emotional thing for me. Sometimes I can't find the right words to express how I feel but then there's a song that expresses it all perfectly and I feel connected to that song. Even if it's someone I'll never meet, hearing words that I relate to so personally helps me feel less alone in any given situation. Which has helped me feel like I could keep going more times than I can count. I'm incredibly passionate about music so it's next to impossible to just leave my emotions at the door sometimes. 

So, when someone tells me I need to "stop being so dramatic" about music and "just enjoy it", I can't help but laugh a little bit.

It's Never "Just Music" For Me.

"It's just music" is a phrase that has never made sense to me. I never really find myself able to relate when people don't really care about music or don't get anything out of it. When I meet someone who cares zero about music and rarely to never spends time listening to anything, I feel confusion mote often than not. People that say it's "just music" don't usually understand why a song or lyrics or a piece of beautiful instrumental noise leaves me feeling anywhere from elated to heavy-hearted and everywhere in between.

To me, music is more to me than noise I hear with my ears. I love music. I'd rather listen to music or play something over watching TV. I'm passionate about music. I feel it with every fiber of my being. I get lost in it. It fills my ears and head and I let my mind and soul absorb it. It's beautiful, it's sad, it's life, it's love, it's calming, it's adrenaline pumping.

Music is soothing.

Music is passion.

Music is emotion.

Music is escape.

Music is poetry.

Music is therapeutic.

Music is life.

There is very little I love more than going to a live show and feeling the music physically shake me to my core as the words sink into my soul. Or if there are no words, letting the music wash over me, engaging my senses.

A drum solo gets my heart pounding and my blood moving. I feel so alive. I feel like I could run up a wall. I bounce on the balls of my feet as it builds and feel like I might burst at the seams with energy as it hits the finishing point.

The beauty in hearing classical piano or violin calms me when I'm feeling everything but calm. It can soothe anxiety, calm stress, help me relax, send rest, push the noise out and bring contentment.

A guitar solo can be exhilarating and make me feel like I can conquer anything. Or it can give me an outlet and work like a sieve, filtering out anger and angst and things I need to push out.

Loud rock music is often so therapeutic for me. Loud guitars, heavy drums, words screaming out at me that make me feel comfort and bring me out of my own head.

Music is love, happiness, sadness, anger, contentment, joy, angst, passion, loss, betrayal, comforting, exciting, calming and so many other things.

Music makes me react physically, emotionally and mentally.

It fills my ears and perforates my mind.

It invades my thoughts, attaches to memories, creates feelings, collides with emotions already present.

Music recognizes the thoughts and emotions that I can't find the words to express.

It's an escape when I need it to be and offers clarity at times.

It makes me feel things.

It makes me stop feeling things.

It's overwhelming and just enough.

It's a lot of things to me but it's definitely never just music.

It Can Get Better....

**Trigger warning: suicide**

My mom's birthday was yesterday. I realized last night that I had several more people to get birthday cards for in the next few months. My sister's birthday is next month, my dad's is in December, my youngest brother's is in January and I have a small handful of friends and a couple coworkers all with birthdays coming up in the next few months. I got the clever idea that I should make a quick list so as not to forget anyone and then go buy all the cards I need for the next few months all at once so I don't have to run to the store in the name of birthday cards nine times over the next few months. I also wouldn't have to worry about having to run out last minute in case I ended up losing track of the days and then remembering, "hey I need to send so-and-so a card because they're birthday is two days away!"

So I got my list together, double checked to make sure I wasn't forgetting anyone I planned on sending one to and then set off to get what I needed.

I love sending cards and letters. I'm one of those weird people that still enjoys hand writing out letters and thank you notes and sending them off in the mail. I almost always write an extra little note inside of cards I send because there's almost always something missing that I want said in whatever card I find. 

Sometimes, I hate looking through cards, though. Sometimes, I'm looking through cards looking for a specific one. In this instance, the birthday card for my sister. Then it springs to mind that, hey, Amanda's birthday is the same day as my sisters is! I think for a second I need to get her one too and then I remember that no, no I don't need to get her one because she's been dead since she killed herself this passed June. And then I'm standing in Hallmark with tears rushing down my face while I stand in front of a row of cards that I can't really see anymore. I'm sad and I'm crying and I'm trying to stop and I feel so grateful I have on a hat that covers half of my face and relieved the ladies in that store leave you alone unless you need their help and angry at myself for breaking down in public and sad again all because I can't buy my friend a birthday card because she's gone. 

So I leave without getting anything because I can't stop crying and I don't like to cry in public. I don't like to cry in front of people I know. Mostly I don't want to make a scene and don't want to explain to strangers why I'm standing in Hallmark with tears rushing down my face and I needed quiet and solitude to get myself calmed down again. So I sit in my car for 10 minutes. I think about just driving the four minutes back to my apartment but I'm stubborn and want to get what I came out for. I feel like I'm letting myself down if I go home, letting my emotions and anxieties chase me back home without completing a task. I don't want to let these things rule me, so I don't. I'm fine. So, I let myself finish crying until it doesn't feel like there's a gaping hole in the my stomach. I open my door and splash my face with water from a bottled water I had with me. I turn on some loud rock music and I take some long, deep, calming breaths and then I'm fine again. I go back in, get an odd look from the lady at the counter and I smile and she does a strange little head bow and smiles at me as I get back to buying cards. 

Suicide is hard. Death is hard enough on it's own but suicide makes something hard and makes it even harder to cope with. You're in denial because no, no, no, my friend/loved one is fine and would never do that. Even if they weren't fine, this can't be right because they wouldn't kill themselves. They have friends, they have families, they seem happy and content with life. Or they're struggling but they have family and friends and people that care about them, people that love them, people that would do anything within their power to move the whole fucking Earth to make things better or at least more bearable. There's no way they would do that. You'd know, you'd be able to tell, right? Right? Wrong. 

You wonder why they would've done this. You don't understand. Amanda didn't leave any kind of note explaining anything. From what I've come to understand, most whom commit suicide don't leave any kind of thought out note explaining or saying goodbye. The hardest part with reaching acceptance of their death is accepting that you'll just have to accept that they're gone without understanding why they took their life.

I cried a lot in June after Amanda's death. News of her suicide came just a few hours after I'd gotten home from celebrating my birthday and Father's Day with my family and boyfriend. I was having a party the following weekend that she was going to attend. I struggled a lot the first few weeks. Then I cried less. Then I didn't cry at all. Then the realization I wouldn't need to buy her a birthday card and wouldn't have to worry about getting her a gift for the awesome birthday party that was planned months in advance was the first time I'd cried over her death since the first week in September.

I don't know if she thought death would be easier. I don't know if she couldn't bear the thought of living life anymore after the events that lead up to her taking her life. I don't know if she was thinking her kids would be better off. I don't know if she just panicked. I don't know if thought and planning went into it. I don't know if she was just that depressed. I don't know if any of the things that I've turned over in my head after her death were thoughts she had or not. 

I do know that suicide isn't the answer. I'm not just speaking as someone that has lost someone to suicide, or someone that has lost two people she cared deeply for to suicide but also as someone who has thought about it and fought through depression more than once. 

I stood on a bridge once when I was 17 and thought about climbing the rails and jumping. I stood there, running my hands over the cold metal and looking down into the waters below me and thought I could just climb over, jump and nothing would hurt anymore. I've always loved bodies of water; they're calming to me. I leaned over the railing, listening to waves crashing and water churning and I felt like pushing myself over it and letting myself drown would be the most fitting way for me to go. I remember thinking it like it was the most logical thing in the world because at the time, I was a mess and just didn't want to live anymore. I was about to climb the rail when a cop car pulled up and the officer got out slowly, calling out to me. I remember how slowly he approached me, how soothing he sounded and how angry I instantly became because I knew he was ruining everything for me. It was late at night and he was curious why a young girl was out so late, by herself, hanging out on the bridge. I knew he knew what I was thinking of doing and he stood there with me, asking me if my family knew where I was at this hour. He made a few jokes and told me I needed to get on home. He followed me as I left. He followed me and made sure I actually went back home. I cried myself to sleep that night because I was so angry and sad and hurt. I cried until I couldn't breath anymore, my face buried in a pillow, my fists clenched and punching the mattress. 

I decided then I couldn't commit suicide. Not because I suddenly wanted to live but because I couldn't do that to my family. I couldn't hurt them that way and I resented them for that. So, my depression got worse, I started drinking more and doing drugs a lot more. I smoked weed and took Xanax I got from a coworker as often as I could. I moved out and moved in with a friend who was a drug addict himself. We had neighbors who were big partiers. I did more drugs. I drank way more. I didn't want to kill myself anymore because I spent so much time high so I wouldn't hurt anymore. Until I came down, felt worse and wanted to die all over again. It was the worst cycle in the world.

I contemplated suicide occasionally still but then I'd just get high or take a few drinks from a bottle and I'd feel "better" again and then I wouldn't think about how I wanted to die anymore. Then one day, I met this guy. He was waiting in an office with me to do a job interview and I remember we were sitting there together, not saying much at all, then he suddenly looked at me and asked, "so why are you so sad?" I remember blinking at this guy a half dozen times trying to figure out what his deal was. He shrugged and said, "I'm a mess, I guess I recognize it in others." I just shrugged. Then this guy starts telling me that he applied for this job because he was starting over. He told me he had been really depressed and had tried to kill himself. He told me he had tried to jump off of a bridge but had figured it wrong and ended up landing wrong, breaking both of his legs instead. He was recovered and it would be the first job he'd had in a while because of that. He waited for me to talk. I just stared at him, goosebumps on my skin, not really capable of saying anything even if I had wanted to. This kid jumped from the same bridge I had only months ago contemplated hurling myself over. I've never believed in coincidences but I couldn't figure this out. We both ended up getting hired and we started working together a week later. He only worked there for six weeks but in that six weeks, he talked to me a lot about suicide and depression. It took me about a month to realize I didn't really want to die anymore. Not just because I didn't want to hurt my family but for a ton of other reasons. I don't even remember his name. I wish I could because I wish I could tell him thank you for saving me from myself. It sounds cliche but I was planning on trying again. I was trying to figure out ways I could do something to where it seemed like an accident and not suicide. My family would still be hurt but it wouldn't be as bad as losing someone to suicide. In the weeks I worked with that guy, he spent a lot of time talking at me, even though I often didn't say anything back to him at all. Then one night, I remember getting high with my then boyfriend and then sobbing into his shirt because I didn't want to die. I remember telling him everything and all he did was hold me while I ugly sobbed and came undone. I stopped thinking I'd be better off dead. Unfortunately it took quite a while longer to stop using drugs to get me through the day. It took years before I stopped abusing substances to make myself feel "better" but I got there, eventually. 

That was the first period of my life where I very seriously considered suicide a viable option and unfortunately, it wasn't the last. However, I'm still here and suicide is not something I entertain the idea of anymore. Currently, I'm struggling with issues that I'm not really ready to openly talk about here yet. I'm not ashamed of them and I'm not too scared to discuss them. I'm just not ready to put it all out there. I feel like when I understand it all better, I'll be more willing to discuss it in a more open venue.

Some days I think about the periods in my life where I thought I should just kill myself and I'd like to punch that silly girl. I'd also like to hug her and let her know how much strength she really had despite how pathetic and weak she thought she was. 

It can get better. Some days, it will suck. Some days, it feels like everything is wrong. Like nothing you do is right. Like nothing is moving forward in a better direction. Those days happen and you can't beat yourself up over them. You can't get stuck in those days.

No matter how alone you feel or how much you feel like absolutely no one in the world could possibly care or understand what you're going through, you are not alone. There are people out there who will understand or at least try to understand. There are people out there who will offer you empathy and support because they genuinely want you to feel better. Those people could be friends, family members, professional health care workers, a trusted co-worker, someone in an online support group or a stranger on the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Hell, you can email me and I'll talk to you. Just talk to someone. Suffering in silence doesn't help. You deserve better than that. You're worth more than that. 

Getting help doesn't make you weak. You don't have to be ashamed or afraid. You're not wrong. You're not broken. You're not beyond repair. Your mental illness and issues do not define who you are as a person. Whatever you're facing, it can get better.

Six years ago today: the anniversary post...

Six years ago today, my boyfriend and I finally got together. We had known each other for thirteen months prior but when we first met, it wasn't a dating type thing. We found out we had a ridiculous amount of things in common and he found my weird sense of humor great because he's a little odd, too. Then a month or so after I first met him, I ended up moving to California. We kept in contact hoping to remain friends. We'd talk once in a while to see how the other was doing. Eventually, we were talking every day and sending each other gifts for birthdays, Christmas and even Valentine's Day. Then, I wanted to move back home to Texas because I wasn't happy living out on the West Coast and missed my home state. Plus there were other circumstances at play and I couldn't wait to leave the town I was in and never look back. After about a year in California, I did. I spent my first night back with Shane and we've been together ever since then.

We've had some really rough times. One of my closest friends committed suicide and that was hard to get through. He stuck with me while I battled through substance abuse issues. I was an absolute wreck after being targeted in an armed robbery, which some of you will recall if you've known me long enough. We've both gone through several jobs and a couple periods of unemployment. We've both dealt with deaths of people we cared for. My health issues are a constant annoyance. His health issues which have been scary as fuck at times. I've been with him for two of the strokes he's had and that's definitely something I hope I won't have to see happen again not to mention the cancer he's working on ridding himself of currently.


We've gone through a lot together over the last six years and that's only a little of it. The bad stuff we've gone through and helped each other get through has only made us both stronger, as individuals and as a couple.


There has been plenty of awesome stuff, too. I'm happy I have someone who loves hockey as much as I do because he doesn't mind when I want to spend a lot of my free time and extra cash going to hockey games during the Winter and Spring. He doesn't whine when I want to go see a loud metal show because usually he likes the band, too. He also doesn't mind if I want to go play racquetball ball or golf with a friend and leave him at home. We can do plenty of stuff together but still do things without the other which is awesome because I like my space, lol. 



He still brings me home little gifts randomly which always makes me smile. Who doesn't love a small gift for no reason? Sometimes it's just some Reese's peanut butter cups, a cute little stuffed animal, a rubber duck (because I collect them, ok,) something from Bath & Body Works or some weird little random thing that he saw and thought would brighten my day. It's great to know he still thinks of things like that and pays attention to the little things. Like spending an afternoon at the marina because I want to feed the ducks and hang out at the lake. Or spending hours walking around behind me at an art museum and letting me tell him about the artists I love.

Shane's one of the kindest, most caring, genuinely nice, sweet guys I've ever known. At times I think he's too nice but I guess as long as no one's taking advantage of him, it's really not a bad thing.  He's incredibly encouraging and supportive of any and everything I want to do, as long as it's not something too dangerous anyway. Then he's less supportive and more trying to drag my feet back down to the ground before I impulsively do something silly. He makes me laugh more than anyone else I know and he gets me in a way most people don't. For all of that and more, I'm happy I have the big guy in my life. I really can't even believe we've been together for six years now. It doesn't seem like it has been that long at all.


He works today so we won't be doing much in terms of celebrating. Just going to dinner once he's off work and not much else. He gets up at four AM for work so it kills being able to do much on work nights because he goes works late and then has to go to bed so early. But he's taking me to a Renaissance festival on Sunday and then two weeks later, we'll be going out of town to have some fun away from Dallas for a couple days. We would do that next weekend but pesky doctors appointments for him delay that. Which is fine, ya know, since good health and working on kicking cancer's ass trumps going out of town for a fun couple of days.

Happy Anniversary, Shane! ♥ ♥ ♥

It's been three months since he died...

Today makes it three months since my grandfather passed away. Anyone who read that post or anyone who has followed me or known me long enough knows how important he was to me.

I know how lucky I was to have such a good relationship with him and I am thankful for that and thankful for all the good memories of him I have.

It's still hard to think of him as being gone, though. Since he passed three months ago we went through what would have been my grandparents 64th wedding anniversary (less than a month after he passed), my grandmother's birthday and what would have been my grandfather's birthday at the end of August.

I think the first year will be the hardest because it's all the firsts he won't be around for. It's just weird to not think of him being at family events or not talking to him when I talk to grandma. Him not being there when we go to visit and just lots of things to get used to.

I know with time it will get better though. At first, lots of things made me cry. Certain songs that made me think of him would get me tearing up. A few times watching Rangers baseball games made me cry. I'd see things, smell things, hear things and think of things that reminded me of him and I'd cry. It hurt a lot and I hated that it made me cry so easily because I'm rarely brought to tears by anything. One night, I was laying in bed with the boyfriend and something he said reminded me of grandpa and I just started sobbing. He laid there with me, rubbing my back, letting me cry, getting me tissues, getting me water, hugging me; generally being the supportive and amazing man he is. He understands how it feels. His grandfather was his father figure and him, his mom and his little sister lived with their grandparents until the boyfriend was 17. Then they got a house a quarter mile down the street so they would still be close.

Three months later, though? Things make me sad, things make me miss him, I get emotional sometimes but I don't cry over everything any more. Things don't even get my eyes watering very often any more. I don't feel bad about that because it's a good thing. It's good to take time to grieve and mourn but you have to be able to move forward, too. It doesn't mean you're forgetting or caring less but you can't stay stuck in grief and sadness because it will consume you and effect you and people around you negatively. Your life can't stop because you lose someone you love.

I'll always love him and always miss him. Some days are still hard but, I know it gets better with time. And I'll always have the memories of all the great moments and happy times I had with him.

Books, baseball, cooking, Weeds, etc....

Some things I'm loving right now....

• Mixing equal parts apple juice, cranberry juice and pomegranate juice together. It tastes so good. And if you add liquor, it tastes even better. ;)

• Tea Tree Oil Cooling Foot Scrub by Earth Therapeutics. I'm on my feet a LOT. I use this stuff a few times a week to keep my feet smooth and to help them feel better. This stuff soothes my aching, sore feet while also exfoliating them. Plus, it's only $4 at Target.

• Weeds. The TV show, not the things that grow in the ground. The Boyfriend started watching it on NetFlix (on season 1, no cable so we had never seen it before) and I ended up getting sucked in to it. I love a lot of the characters and find the show pretty amusing so far. Though, we're only on season 2 for now so we'll see.

• Burt's Bees Replenishing Lip Balm with Pomegranate Oil. It makes my lips feel awesomely soft and it smells good.

• NetFlix. We don't have cable and I don't like most of the crap shows that come on network TV. NetFlix has movies, documentaries and shows I'm missing on Discovery and Food Network by not having cable. Also, Power Rangers, the original stuff. Totally reliving childhood with an episode here and there, lol.

• Cooking. I've been stressing and worrying over a lot of things lately. Not to mention emotional stuff over some recent deaths that I'm still working through and other issues going on, I've just been having a rough time lately. Cooking is insanely therapeutic for me. I love being able to take a bunch of ingredients, put them together and create something that smells, looks and tastes wonderful.

• The Rangers shutting out the Red Sox last night, lol. I hate the Red Sox. Any time we beat them makes me smile. Shutting them out makes me smile even more. Now if only the rest of the games in this series (and the next one, and on and on) go well for the Rangers, I'll continue being happy. Yay winning.

• People sending me books. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE to read. I started a book exchange with a few friends who live out of state now and a couple people off Twitter. We send books around to each other and I've gotten to read a couple really good ones so far. Totally one of the best ideas I've ever had. :D
  

Happy Tuesday!

Allow me a moment to be sappy, it doesn't happen often...

As I'm typing this, I'm rather heavily medicated. You've been warned.

I've been pretty sick the last few days. Sunday, the boyfriend had the day off from work so I spent all day in bed and had him home taking care of me like the awesome boyfriend he is. He got some stuff for me Monday before he went to work and my mom ended up bringing me some stuff at 11 PM. Mind you, my mom has to drive 2 hours from her place to get to where I'm at then another 2 hours to get back home. I do appreciate her doing what she does for me.

I hate getting sick. I have a weak immune system due to low white blood cell count. I've tried a lot of different ways to boost my immune system but none have really worked so far. And I'm talking years of trying different things, not just months. I've had this issue since I was a little kid. It sucks. And I stay away from people that are sick as a general rule because when I get sick, I'm down for days even when it's not something serious. Which ends up irritating the hell out of me because I hate laying around doing nothing and feeling like crap and not having the energy for anything. Hopefully I can kick this crap in the next day or so and get back to being my normal self. :D

I have to say though that I have some really great people in my life. I had several offers from people willing to bring me soup, juice, Gatorade, Kleenex, medicine, cough drops or anything else I needed. Granted, my boyfriend had me taken care of and made a couple runs to go out and get stuff for me and my mom brought me some soup, Sprite, medicine and Jell-O as well. So, I'm covered. Still, it made me smile that I had people that I knew weren't just offering to be nice but were offering because they wanted to make sure I had everything I needed. In the past, I've had people offer to do things yet if I actually wanted to call on them for help, they would suddenly be busy or have a reason why they were unable to do what they had just offered to do minutes prior. I know without a doubt the few people who offered to bring me stuff or risk their health to come keep my sickly self company weren't just offering; any of them would have brought me what I needed if I wanted to take them up on their offers. It's nice to know you have some people in your life that you can count on. And even better knowing they care enough to offer things when you need them without even asking for them. It's the little things that make me happy, obviously. Thank you to those people, I appreciate the offers and the concern.

And I appreciate the well wishes on Twitter and the people sending me goofy stuff and jokes to put me in better spirits. That stuff really helps, too. It's so nice to know so many great people in the world, in real life and online, too.

It's always good to let the people in your life know how wonderful they are and how much you appreciate having them around. Whether they're family, friends, a significant other, online friends or what have you. There are so many unique and interesting relationships in my life and I'm happy to know so many good, kind, caring people. Even if I don't get to see or talk to some of them as often as I would like to. I still need to take more time to let them all know that I appreciate the times they've been there for me and how much I enjoy having them be a part of my life. I don't think people do that enough which is sad because it takes so little time to tell someone how great they are and how happy them being a part of your life makes you. I'm guilty of that because I'm just not an emotional person. I tend to come off and rather detached more often than not and it's not that I'm cold and uncaring, I'm far from it, being emotional just makes me uncomfortable. I much prefer logic and things that don't involve gooey messy emotions and warm feelings. :p

I really think it's the medication bringing it out from me tighyt because I'm not normally so sappy, lol. Anyone who knows me well enough can attest that me being emotional or sappy just doesn't really happen. It's all good, though. Once in a while, it can happen I suppose. :D

I've got some great antibiotics now and they should start kicking my ass back into good health. Sooner rather than later, hopefully.

Happy Tuesday!

Rest In Peace, EHH.

*If I ramble at any point/points, I apologize.*

My grandpa's funeral service was Saturday the 11th.

He died Thursday morning. I knew it was coming. I knew Wednesday it would be soon because my mom wanted me to drive 90 minutes to where she lives and hang out at the house with my sister and youngest brother while she stayed at my grandparents house. I didn't mind and the Boyfriend and I headed out there.

Once I got to my mom's on Wednesday, I took my siblings to get dinner, we ate and watched movies. I checked my phone obsessively for the time. Thursday was my other brother's birthday and I had hoped that Grandpa would pass Wednesday just because I didn't want him to pass on my brother's birthday. Having someone you know die on your birthday sucks, especially when it's someone you're close with. And more so, he's been in pain for so long I was just hoping it would end finally. It didn't happen until 6 AM on the 9th, though. My mom called me. I hadn't been able to sleep at all Wednesday so I was still up, lounging in a recliner in the living room only halfway paying attention to whatever movie I had on. I knew what she would say before I answered the phone but I braced myself for it anyway. She had me go wake up my sister and younger brother to tell them. I don't think my sister had been asleep anyway, just laying there. And if she had, I could tell she knew as soon as I opened my mouth to tell her because really, why else would I be in there at that time?

I didn't cry during or after that phone call. I knew it was coming but that's not why I didn't cry. No matter how long you know, you still can't really be prepared for the moment when that phone rings. I've been dreading seeing my mom's name on my caller ID for months now. Every time she would call, I'd tense up and prepare for the news that he was gone. Each time, it wasn't that. Except for Thursday morning.

Yet, I didn't cry. The sun was rising and I decided to go outside to look at it. I love sunrise yet I don't often get to see them. So, I went outside and looked at the beautiful pink and orange sky. The sun a huge burning bright ball coming up on the horizon, a cool breeze barely there in the early morning. My sister followed me outside and we both walked down the road a little bit and took pictures of the sunrise. (My mom lives out in the country so there's a lot of open space and not a lot of people nor traffic.) There was something so beautiful about it. I find nature very calming in all honesty and that's the reason I went outside in the first place. When something upsets me in my life these days, I take a different approach to it quite often. No self-harm, drugs or crawling deep inside a liquor bottle. I go outside, I breathe in fresh air and I look at all the good that's still around me. I look at the sky, the trees, whatever is in front of me that isn't man made. It doesn't always calm me down a lot. Sometimes it's only a little bit but it's always enough, though. It centers me and I can think clearly, feel clearly. I don't know what it is and really, I don't try to figure it out. If it ain't broke.. ;)

We went to see my grandma on Friday. Growing up, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. They would come for visits regularly. We got to spend weekends at their place on a regular basis. Spring breaks, weeks at a time during the summer. My brother J and I spent a lot of time with them and around them. I know I'm lucky for that because not everyone has grandparents as wonderful as mine. I was fortunate to be able to spend a lot of time around them and have them be so influential in my life.

That was their first time I had been in their house without Grandpa being there. It was weird. He retired at 65 and every time I remember being at their house, he was always there. I felt empty in a way, like a part of me was suddenly missing. My grandma had me in the back bedroom that used to be my grandfather's room within a couple minutes of me being there. She just wanted to talk and she started crying. I hugged her but I didn't cry. I looked around the room, still full with all of his stuff and it just struck me as odd that he wouldn't ever sleep in his bed or even walk in that room again. My dad came back there after a while and the three of us sat and talked for a while back there. Some serious stuff, some funny things that I hadn't ever known about.

We moved out of the room. There were a lot of family members there and I felt weird sitting in grandpa's room even though he hadn't used it in a while. He'd been very bad off and had taken to just sleeping in his recliner in the living room instead of his bed. I digress. I sat on the couch and people were chattering about this and that. Except Grandpa wasn't there in his chair in the corner chiming in with the occasional wise words, offhand comment, smart ass remark or just his two cents on whatever the topic was as he usually did.

The Rangers game was on. I watched a lot of sports with my grandpa growing up. In part, he's a big reason I got into sports because it was something to do with him and I honestly really enjoyed them, It was the first baseball game I'd watched in their house without him there. No shit talking the other team or no commenting on a good play that just happened.

I looked over at his chair (because it's where he always sat) several times. When it was empty, it was weird. He wasn't in the kitchen getting milk or some water. He wasn't in the bathroom. He hadn't gone to bed for the night. He wasn't up wandering around the house fiddling with anything. He just.... wasn't there. And at times, someone else would be sitting there. Which seemed weird because no one ever sat there except Grandpa.

Saturday was the viewing and then the service for Grandpa. Up until Saturday, I hadn't cried at all. It's not that I was trying to be tough and hold everything in; I wasn't. It had all just felt surreal to me up until Saturday morning. Even after being in my grandparents house, talking with everyone, almost everyone else crying, seeing and feeling everything I saw and felt; it just hadn't really sunk in yet. I kept thinking about it and I knew he was gone in a sense but it didn't feel real, final. Not until I was sitting on the bed trying to figure out if the Boyfriend could get his shift covered at work to go with me or not. I was sitting on the bed and we were trying to figure out what to, of we needed to take separate cars, if he could even go, etc. I was explaining that I wanted to go to my grandparents for a bit before the viewing because a bunch of people were there already, just hanging out and spending time together. Trying to figure out if he wanted to come with me for that and only that, go to just the viewing, blah blah blah. Such simple decisions that I would normally be able to make and yet I suddenly felt so overwhelmed by making a simple decision. The Boyfriend asked me what I wanted him to do. And I felt like, right then, that everything came crashing down on me at once. It hit me what we were discussing and why we were discussing it and there it was. We were going to a viewing, to see my grandfather laying there lifeless. We were going to a service where an uncle I'd never met before was going to say a few words in honor of my grandfather because he was gone. I started sobbing then. I hate crying, honestly. It's hell on your body. It's raw and ugly. You may feel better afterward but you'll also be tired and feel horribly. Sometimes, you need to cry. And sometimes, you need to cry and to sob and to let your whole body feel it. My boyfriend just held me while I laid in our bed, tears streaming rapidly down my face, my body shaking as I sobbed. Those few minutes were so painful but felt so relieving, too.

There was more crying going on once we got to my grandparent's house. I didn't cry there. I didn't really feel anything except sadness for my grandmother right then. She looked so sad and I couldn't imagine how it must feel to lose someone you had spent 63 years of your life with.

I didn't know what to expect when we got to the viewing. I met relatives and family friends I had never met before. I got hugged by quite a few of them. "I'm so sorry, honey..." was said more than a couple times. And I didn't know what to say to that. I found out quickly that a simple nod worked fine because there's really nothing that needs to be said to that.

I didn't cry during the service until my little sister started crying. I don't know why that set me off but it did. My uncle was saying a few words and it was rather moving yet light and often times humorous. He was doing fine but he got choked up a little bit and that on top of seeing my sister, mom, aunts, grandma and other people crying just made me get teary eyed. No sobbing, just tears running down my cheeks.

Afterward, most of us went back to grandma's. We ate and talked and all just hung out.

My grandfather wasn't my first funeral, not even my first family member that passed. He was the one I was closest with. Anyone who has read my blog for long enough has read about my grandparents. I know it'll be tough getting used to him being gone. Even in this post, I realized I was still referring to it as my grandparent's home. When I was leaving on Saturday evening, I had to remind myself that grandma was the only one I had to hug and say goodbye to because he wasn't there anymore. Sunday, I was talking to another friend about him and I had to mentally stop myself from speaking about Grandpa in a sense as if he were still alive. It's all going to take some getting used to and I'm just taking it easy.

I know, I'm supposed to remember the good times I had with him. I have been. We talked and shared about some of our good memories as a family. I talked about them with my boyfriend and my best friend, too. I'm grateful that he was such a big part in my life and feel lucky that he was around so much for so long. I'm also just happy he's not suffering any longer. The last few years have been so rough, watching him get worse and worse. Alzheimer's is a terrible thing and it's hard on everyone close to that person as well. It's one of those bittersweet things where you're happy because something terrible has ended but so sad because you lost something very dear to you in the process. It's difficult. My birthday is on Wednesday, the 15th, and I'm far less interested/excited about it than I was a week ago. I can't let my life stop because of this and I won't but it's going to take a little time.

He was a good man. He was patient and caring. He rarely ever raised his voice and he never really got on to us when we were acting up. He wasn't a pushover by any means but he just had a quiet way of dealing with things. You knew what you could and couldn't get away with. He had a dry, sarcastic sense of humor which apparently just runs in the family. He worked hard. He was fun to be around, even when we just sat on the porch staring into the distance and chatting here and there. I always knew how interested he was in our lives and I never doubted how much he loved us.

I'll take the time to be sad when I feel sad and to cry when I want to cry. I'll probably always miss him and I'm sure there will be things that randomly happen that will make me think of him and make me sad. Just as there will be things that make me think of him and make me happy. I'll always have my love for him and I'll always have all the wonderful memories of him.

Happy Anniversary to me! And him, too. :D

Today, the Boyfriend and I are celebrating our 5 year anniversary. Of course, we both have to work until 7 but after that, we'll have a nice dinner together. Then this weekend, we both have Saturday and Sunday off and plan to do something to celebrate. :)

5 years ago today, the boyfriend and I went from crazy crushing on each other to being in a relationship. Which was scary for me because I went from not wanting that to badly wanting that in a short span of time.

We have gone through so much together. A lot of good and a lot of bad, too. I've done some fucked up things that I won't go in to detail about but we have worked through them and come out better and closer for it. I've gone through some really rough, shitty things with him. The hard part was opening up to him enough to let him be there for me and to lean on him when I needed to.

I have never been closer with anyone else in my life. I realized that a couple years ago and it terrified me to think about just how close I'd let him get to me when I'm normally not the type to open up and let people close to me. I don't think you can have a successful, healthy relationship being like that, however.

He understands me better than anyone else and I'll be the first to admit that I can be a confusing little mess at times. I'm also a quirky, weird gal but he doesn't mind all my weird quirks, ever changing moods or sometimes crazy neurotic behavior. The man just gets me.

He can make me laugh like no one else can because he gets my sense of humor and knows how to make me laugh, even at times when it feels like I can't even bring myself to smile.

He keeps me level headed when I want to rage and explode all over the place. He's that voice of reason when I'm being illogical and irrational, usually out of anger because of that bad temper I have.

He can comfort me and calm me down when I'm being anxious, panicky or just plain old upset.

He knows me better than anyone else. Which sometimes freaks me out because at times, he knows what I'm about to do or say before I do or say it. Also, that can get annoying. ;)

We're a lot alike but in a lot of other ways, we're different in a kind of complimentary way. We have a lot of common interests and several individual interests as well. He's willing to do things I like that he doesn't care so much for because they make me happy and I do the same for him. And bless him, he loves hockey too which is a good thing because I don't he could deal with my obsession if he weren't almost as bad as I am, hehe.

He does thoughtful things for me and he's the only guy I've ever been with that's put in that kind of effort for so long. Whether it's buying me some chocolate covered pretzels or a candy I like just because, getting me some new smell good stuff from Bath & Body Works because he knows I'm out, a shoulder massage without asking because I had a long day at work, ice cream because it cheers me up or staying up a little late to finish the laundry so I can go to sleep early. He's the sweetest, most caring person I've met in my life. Of course, he's also obnoxious at times. Not to mention the word "punctual" seems to be foreign to him and I cannot get him to stop leaving his damn socks on the bedroom floor. Still, he's fucking awesome and I love him.

In some ways, I can't believe we've only been together 5 years because it seems like it hasn't been that long at all. Though, some days, it definitely feels much longer, hehe. I'm happy with him and I'm so glad I've got his huge 6'8" self to come home to every night. I don't know where I'd be right now without him but I'm lucky I don't have to worry about that.

Happy Anniversary, baby!

And Happy Wednesday to all of you!!!

Dying is hard...

Anyone who has read my blog for long enough knows I love and adore my grandparents and have been lucky to have them as such a big role in my life. If you know that then you know about my grandmother's battles with heart issues and breast cancer and likely also know that my grandfather has been through a lot in the last decade between cancer and a plethora of other things. I haven't talked in detail about it more than saying he's getting worse in the last several months.

Basically, he's not doing well at all. He doesn't remember where he is most of the time. He hallucinates a lot, seeing and hearing a lot that isn't there. He's got a lot of issues going on that I just feel are too private to get into but his health has deteriorated a lot over the past few months. Last week, after a trip to the hospital after a series of seizures, the doctor told us his body was just starting to shut down. Renal failure, fluid slowly building up in his lungs and some other things. They say anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks is probably all he has left. I know a lot of people will say he'll go when he's ready but I think he's afraid of leaving my grandmother alone. When he remembers who she is, that is. Alzheimer's is a bitch. I don't know why he hasn't gone yet but I know he's not going to win this battle much longer.

It's hard to think of him in his current state. I've seen him sick and in a hospital so many times and so many times he's beat out what was trying to take over. He's not doing that now and I know it's because he's old. Hell, he's not too far from 90. And honestly, I feel lucky he's lived passed so many things and been here for as long as he has.

I know I'm lucky. And as I always say, I know I'm lucky that he's been around and been an active part of my life. I know to think about good times, blah blah blah. Like I also so, I'm allowed to be sad and remembering all the happy times doesn't always make it hurt any less. Sometimes, it does the opposite.

I have great memories of him, though. Any time my grandma was going to get on to us for something, as long as it wasn't something bad, he usually just told her to let us alone because we were just being kids. He would sit outside and watch us climb trees, help us out when we needed it. Push us in swings. Watch us play basketball and sometimes even do that with us. He was always there with a sharp comment that made me laugh or something insightful that maybe didn't always make sense at the time but always sunk in later. I'll always remember when he said The Boyfriend needed a haircut and to get and keep a good job otherwise he wasn't good enough for me. I remember it didn't take long after that for him to tell The Boyfriend that he didn't worry about me being with him because he knew that he would always watch out for me. My grandpa doesn't think I need protecting or someone to take care of me but he didn't want me to have a man that was going to try to take advantage of me in any way either. Plus, he's just old fashioned that way.

Grandpa didn't often say a lot, though when he got in the mood to talk he was always funny and sharp witted. He had a way of being brutally honest that I always admired and I think in part that's where I learned to be that way from. He didn't say things just to be mean, he said them because that's the way he saw something and why beat around the bush about it?

It's hard to think of him as I always have and see him as he is now. The contrast in the two realities is hard because one is how he was and one is how he is now. Sometimes, sickness and disease wear a person down until they're just a shadow of the person they used to be. That hurts. It feels like you've had that person taken away from you when they're still there physically. I've wondered lately, while he's in the final stages of his Alzheimer's, how that must feel. He's lived in the same house since my mom was a child. How must it feel to sometimes not recognize those things that were once so familiar? To lose parts of yourself piece by piece. To start acting in ways you never have before and then not remember it happening. There's so much to it and honestly, I hope I never know how any of that feels. I would hate to lose myself and my life piece by piece, remembering it in waves until eventually there's more nothing than anything else.

I feel bad for my grandmother, too. It has to hurt more for her to go through this with him every single day. And like I said, there's a lot of stuff I'm leaving out because it's personal and doesn't belong here. Or anywhere besides in words spoken between my family and thoughts that aren't spoken of again. I know it's been hard and at times scary for her. I also know it's going to be hard for her to part with someone she's spent the last 6 decades with. She's been in denial for so many months now, just thinking more tests and more treatments can fix it. My mom told me grandma told her the other night that she's accepting it or at least trying to but it's hard to wrap her mind around the fact that he's not going to be here much longer.

Last year, I was at that place where I felt selfish for wanting him to get better so we all could have him around longer and then felt a little cold for just hoping he'd pass soon so he could stop hurting. Right now? The way he's living isn't how anyone should have to live. Life isn't fair, though. So all I hope for is that he'll pass soon.

Every time my mom sends me a text or I see her name pop up on my caller ID, I just feel a knot tighten in my stomach and I always hold my breath for a few seconds. I don't even tend to realize I'm doing it until I exhale. Even though I want him to pass, I'm still not really ready for it. I think even when you know it's coming, you still can't ever get ready for it. You can accept that it's going to happen and accept that it will be sometime soon but there's not a way to get ready for it. It's not like going on a trip or planning for some event that you can control more.

I have promised myself one thing. That after he does die, I won't drive myself crazy thinking of all the times I could have visited or called when I didn't. I could think of a hundred instances where I could have done more or said more but I will not let guilt or anger for what I didn't do get to me. I have done that before and it just makes it hurt worse. So, I promise myself I'm not going to do that with him. I think at the end, no matter how much time you spent, you'll always feel like it was never enough and you can't let that eat away at you. You can't make up lost time but you can make sure they know what they mean and how you feel about them.

I love.... But I don't love...

Currently, some things I really love:

• Apple juice
• My So-Called Life being on NetFlix instant play
• Baking and coming up with new recipes
• Baseball season and the Texas Rangers being off to a hell of a start (9-2. Possibly 10-2 if they win their game against the Tigers here shortly.)
  
• $5 DVD bins
• New friends
• Small gifts for no reason
  
• Luke Bryan
• Pomegranate blueberry juice
• Awesome insoles in my work shoes
• Warm enough weather for swimming
• BAWLS energy drinks
• Free art gallery showings displaying local artists
  
• Iced green tea
  
• Freedom of expression
• Watching a thunderstorm
  
• Hanging out with friends at the park
• Air hockey
• Playing Giant Jenga at one of my favorite bars
  
• Liam Neeson movies
  
• Sweet tea vodka mixed with lemonade and fresh raspberries
• Giant soft pretzels
  

Things I don't love:

• The inability some people have to never be happy for the loved ones in their life
• My allergies + Spring
• Not having a working air conditioner in the car as the hot months are approaching
• Hockey season being over for the Dallas Stars :( :( :(
  
• Anyone being passive aggressive
• People who don't listen, especially when they're the one's engaging you
• Burnt chicken
• Did I mention we've already seen days with temps in the 90's and the lack of AC in my car? It needed to be mentioned again because I dislike it that much, lol
• Cotton candy
• Constant negativity
  
• June bugs
  
• Random allergic reactions to things I used to not be allergic to
• Lack of punctuality
• Double standards
• Pop music
  
• Condescension

Happy Wednesday!

Why do you need to change the one you're with?

YOU CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE INTO WHAT YOU WOULD PREFER THEM TO BE.

You can’t. They have to want to change things about themselves on their own. And if you’re dating that person, you shouldn’t have a list of things you want to change about them anyway.

My friend’s girlfriend has been driving me nuts all night with psycho neurotic texts about how she just doesn’t understand why he won’t change the way he does things. Why does he do x,y,z? Why can’t he tell me this, this and this? Why doesn’t he do a,b,c? Why, why, why. He should do this. He should act this way. And on and on and on with shit. I was at work and could ignore most of it except for my phone kept vibrating in my pocket because she just wouldn’t stop blowing my phone up.

You know why he does what he does?

You know why he doesn’t do those things he doesn’t do?

You know why he says certain things?

You know why he acts certain ways at certain times?

BECAUSE THAT’S WHO IS. BECAUSE HE WOULDN’T BE WHO HE FUCKING IS IF HE CHANGED EVERYTHING YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT HIM.

I HATE that people get into a relationship with someone and want to change every little thing about them that they don’t like.

I’ve bitched at my dude over some things that really bothered me as he has me. They were things we worked on and ultimately became better people. Sometimes, you can’t see that you need to change something until someone else points it out. I still do things that confuse him, piss him off, frustrate him and outright annoy him. He is the same way. You want to know why? We accept each other for how we are; obnoxious habits, weird quirks, flaws and all. Because you love a person for their good and their bad.

You don’t like how the relationship is? You don’t like so many things about the person you’re with? Things they won’t change because they’re uncompromisable? Guess what? There are PLENTY of people out there in the world. Go find one that is more compatible for what you want in a relationship and who you want in a partner. Don’t settle for someone because you think you’ll be able to change them into who you want them to be in time. Go find the person that is what you want. A significant other is NOT like a fucking Build-A-Bear. You don’t pick what you want and put it all together.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Wednesday!

Aw, you're in love! Let me go throw up now.

On Facebook and Twitter, I notice things like this:

"My girlfriend brought me a Red Bull up to work on her way home from work. She's so thoughtful, I'm lucky. Yeah ok, stop rolling your eyes at the screen now."

"My husband is so sweet, he got me flowers and my favorite drink from Starbucks this afternoon for no reason. Yes I know, we're one of those sticky sweet disgusting couples and we don't care."

"My boyfriend is cooking me dinner tonight yay! So sweet. I'm going to make him cookies tomorrow. Totally vomit inducing from the cute, I know."

And then the statuses that are just like that without the insult added to them.

"Amy made me my fave breakfast this morning. I love her."

Followed by comments like:

"You guys are disgustingly sweet. *puke*"

And it got me thinking....

Sure, when the person is constantly like "omg so in love" and "my significant other is so amazing" every single day; it does get a little annoying. It gets old. You're happy, you have a wonderful person in you're like, etc. No need to boast about it multiple times a day, every day. The over the top people that are completely obnoxious aren't what I'm talking about, though. (And even so, who cares? Ignore it if it chaps your ass that bad.)

There's nothing wrong with doing it from time to time. Sometimes my boyfriend does something particularly sweet and I want to share it.

Like the other day for example. We don't see each other much because our schedules are so opposite and we don't have the same nights off. I live with him and hardly spend any time with him. He got home the other day around 5:30 am from work. He had breakfast for me. A Belgian waffle and strawberry creamcheese*. Which was awesome and totally thoughtful of him. I ate and he promptly passed out after I was done and we had chatted a while.

My point is, why would people rather see you posting/tweeting about negativity and drama over being happy and love? That annoys me more than the lovey dovey people and their daily posts of sweetness. What does it say about a person when they would rather see a posting about drama or something negative over something sweet?

Sure, it can get annoying. Sure, if you're single it can make you feel bad, lonely, etc. But to be rude about it? To get unhappy or nauseated over a friend, family member, aquintaces, etc happiness seems silly.

I guess I just hate that as a general rule, the bad things tend to get more attention. The bullshit in light gets focused on more. I'd rather see someone post about they're girlfriend/boyfriend/etc being awesome once daily over someone whining for the 569th time about how their boss is an asshole or how much they hate their job or about how tired they are of someone something etc.

I don't have a problem with people using social media to bitch, either. I do it. I think we all do. I'm not saying you shouldn't use it to bitch. Go for it if you need to.

If you're just giving a friend some good natured ribbing about their "vomit inducing" status; fine I guess. I just hate seeing people preclude their updates with "yes, we know we're gross" because they know it's coming anyway.

I also just don't get why people get so put out with the love and happiness updates and tweets. I always figure if something really bothers me enough, I can just ignore it. It's not that hard to do and it works pretty well. Easy and effective? Win.

*I eat my waffles with creamcheese over butter and syrup. Strawberry creamcheese is my favorite to use on waffles. :)

Happy Tuesday!

An outburst of the soul....

I've seen this little meme on a few blogs and a few shorter versions floating around Tumblr, too. You take your iTunes or MP3's and put it on shuffle and post the first 20 songs that come up. Supposedly, you shouldn't be skipping any songs you may be "embarrassed" to listen to. Blah blah blah. So, I thought it might be amusing and decided to go for it. Why not, right?

1) Heroes by The Wallflowers

2) Lost In Space by Avantasia

3) Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon

4) Fuel by Metallica

5) Sober by Pink

6) Black Balloon by Goo Goo Dolls

7) Raining On Sunday by Keith Urban

8) Broken by Sonata Arctica

9) My Last Serenade by Killswitch Engage

10) Savior by Rise Against

11) Blackwater Park by Opeth

12) Without Me by Eminem

13) Two Weeks by All That Remains

14) Rock You Like A Hurricane by The Scorpions

15) The Illusionist by Scar Symmetry

16) Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen

17) She Is by The Fray

18) Sweet Emotion by Aerosmith

19) Wrath by Lamb Of God

20) Dig by Incubus

And because I can, here are 5 more...

21) What Was I Thinkin' by Dierks Bentley

22) Chasing The Dragon by Epica

23) Dream Lover by Bobby Darin

24) It Is What It Is by Lifehouse

25) Pursuit Of Vikings by Amon Amarth

That was fairly amusing. I honestly don't understand why people would ever be embarrassed or ashamed to admit they like a particular song, band, singer, etc. Who gives a fuck if people you like don't like it? I guess in part because I don't give a shit what people think about me, I don't care if people poke fun of my music. I figure I have to be happy with what I listen to, no one else does. So, I like what I like. :)

Now, here are a few quotes about music that I love. Enjoy. ;)

"Music is what feelings sound like."

"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music." -Angela Monet

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

"When words leave off, music begins." -Heinrich Heine

"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything." -Plato

Happy Wednesday!

Comments, anyone?

My Best Friend....

I met my best friend over 8 years ago. I bonded with him over music, movies and hockey. We didn't share the love for the same team but we shared a love for the sport and respectfully bashed the shit out of each others' favored team. And still wanted to hang out again after that. Unlike a lot of guy friends I've had, he's never wanted to date me, fuck me, kiss me or any other shit like that. I've never wanted him in any such way. We've always had this strange kind of bond, almost like brother and sister in a way. And not the type of "they're like brother and sister but secretly one wants to bang the other or is in love with the other" kind of thing. Even when drunk as all fuck, we've never even so much as flirted one tiny bit. He now lives almost 2,000 miles away from Dallas and has for years. I've done my share of moving around between Texas and California, as anyone who has read here long enough knows. We still talk regularly, mostly by text message.

So to my best friend, I want to say a few things.

Thank you for always listening to me when I need someone to listen.

Thank you for never telling me what would be easier to hear and always telling me exactly what I need to hear. Even when it's upsetting, hurtful or anger inducing.

Thank you for always some how knowing when things aren't okay.

Thank you for being able to talk so openly and honestly about everything.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings without holding back.

Thank you for understanding my odd, sometimes warped, sense of humor.... because your sense of humor is so similar.

Thank you for all the advice you've given me that I rarely listened to but should have.

Thank you for actually taking the advice I give you more often than not.

Thank you for always being able to talk me down when I'm ready to go on a rage because I'm that pissed off.

Thank you for your ridiculous ability to always make me laugh. (I blame that on having a similar sense of humor and just using what would work for you so really, not so miraculous but I appreciate it never the less.)

And thank you for for staying up until 4:30 AM talking to me (listening to me whine and talk a bunch of shit out) when you have to be at work by 9 AM.

Thank you for not going to bed when I told you to because you knew I needed to talk and wanted to be there for me.

Thank you for always being there for me when I need you to be.


It always throws people off when they find out my best friend is a guy. Which it shouldn't because most of my friends are guys, anyway. I get along better with guys but that's a different rant for a different day. People still have that perception that a guy and a girl cannot possibly be friends without one or both wanting to fuck or be more than friends. Seriously, it can be done and I really don't see how that's such a hard notion for so many people to still grasp onto. I remember the first time I told him that I loved him for being such a good person and a great friend. He made me swear up and down I wasn't in love with him and that I didn't want to be with him because he didn't feel that way and didn't find it likely he ever would. I swore up and down I hadn't meant it that way and I was telling the truth. I love him to death but I wouldn't ever be in a relationship with him. I wouldn't leave The Boyfriend for him. And vice versa. In truth, I think if we ever dated we would probably drive each other fucking crazy and we'd end up wanting to kill one another. Very soon. We're too much alike and knowing myself the way I do, dating myself? Wouldn't bode well. Not at all. So, I'm glad I have a friend who understands me so well and is (even with the geographical differences) always there for me as much as he can be. And I do the same for him. We won't even get into how many nights I stayed up too late listening to him go on and on about a girl he was dating or in a relationship with. Or how many hours were spent making him feel better after his father lashed out at him and made my 6'4" friend feel a few wee inches high. ;)

Another plus side? The Boyfriend has no issues (jealousy or otherwise) with my friendship with him, either. Hooray. I can imagine it wouldn't go well if that were something that caused a problem between us. Luckily, I don't have to worry about that. I know a lot of people say when you're with someone and have been together for as long as we have, your significant other should be your best friend. I don't agree because I think it's good to have other people to talk to about things with. Mine just happens to be a guy instead of a girl and thankfully, The Boyfriend is secure enough and trusts me enough that he's not threatened by it. Which I love. :D

One last thing? I apologize for any rambling on and on I did in this post. Also, I apologize if I did a poor job of articulating any points or thoughts. Or if I just forgot to make a point I wanted to, lol. I might have to come back and do some editing (maybe, we'll see, heh) when I'm less mentally and emotionally drained. I just really wanted to write right now and I'm not so good at ignoring my impulses. :)

Happy Tuesday!

Comments, anyone?

Black Balloon, touchy subjects & Scrabble.

"Black Balloon" by Goo Goo Dolls. <--click for the lyrics. :)
This has been one of my favorite songs for a little more than 10 years. It trips me out when I realize how old I was when I started listening to this band. Or rather, how young I was. This song is from a CD that came out in 1998. I don't have a lot of Cd's I even still own from that long ago but I still have this one and I still listen to it. Obviously. ;) This is probably my favorite song off the whole album. This song used to make me sad and I never understood why, exactly. I'd listen to it and just feel sad for no apparent reason yet, I still loved the song. It's weird how music can play on your emotions like that sometimes. I listen to it now and I still feel the tiniest bit of sadness but mostly, it makes me smile. Not because it's an extremely happy song. There's no rainbows or fairy dust shooting out of anywhere.

Anyway.

You know what's fun? Having a 3+ hour conversation with your boyfriend on topics ranging from defining sexual terms that weren't understood (genderqueer, pansexual, etc & they're understood now :D) to the oil spill in the gulf to self-entitlement to patriarchy to evolution and a couple other things. And I mean fun in all seriousness. Even when we don't agree, though with what was listed we pretty much agree on things, we never get angry and try to make the other person try to bend their views. He can accept that I might not see something his way and same goes for me. It never turns into an argument, it never turns petty and it never turns into something useless that causes frustration and headaches because one side wants the other side to see it their way and come around to their way of thinking. Then again, we mostly agree on those types of things but once in a while there are things we do disagree on that are touchy. It's fun because we can share our views and not get into an argument over anything, even when we don't agree on something the other feels passionate about. It's always just an intelligent, rational discussion between two people who don't always agree but can respect the opinion of the other.

Also fun? Laying in a freshly cleaned bed playing Scrabble with the boyfriend. I love Scrabble and he's gotten in to playing it lately. Which I love. :D He's got a game on his iPhone where we can both play since I no longer own the actual board game. I would rather lay on the bed and play the actual board game (we don't have any type of table to play on) but such is life. Maybe when I can get the board game again we can do that. The game on his phone works just fine, though. :)

Happy Wednesday!

Comments, please?

I don't want the world to see me...

Most people take me as a hard rock/metal chick and assume that's all I listen to. Not true. Not at all. I listen to a lot of metal and hard rock. I also listen to classic rock. I also listen to Frank Sinatra, P!nk, Lifehouse, The Goo Goo Dolls, Opeth, Keith Urban, Neyo and tons of other stuff from plenty of different genres. I don't limit myself to one type of music. Hard rock & metal? Well, that just happens to be what I dig the most.

Lately though, I've been feeling pretty down so I've been listening to some more mellow stuff a bit more often than I normally do.

This always has and likely always will be one of my favorite songs. I never even saw the movie and I liked this band before that movie ever came out. I love his voice. I love this song because I can identify with the lyrics so well. Maybe not precisely as the writer intended but perception is, at times, a wonderful thing.

Happy Thursday!

Comments, please?

Happy Birthday to you!!

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”

"Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek & find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

"When love is not madness, it is not love."

Today is my boyfriend's 25th birthday. I'm exactly two weeks older than him, woohoo.

No one understands me as well as he does. When I met him just over 5 years ago, I didn't imagine I'd end up with him. We were friends and then a little more than that for a year before we got into a relationship together. May was our 4 year anniversary and no one makes me happier than that man does. He makes me laugh, doesn't care that I'm better at sports and video games, bakes me cupcakes, will stand up for me against anyone, understands me, accepts me and all of my flaws and so much more. He's sweet, intelligent, caring, honest, funny and has one of the biggest hearts out of anyone I know. He treats me so well and he's just an all around wonderful person.

He doesn't blog but he does have Twitter. He checks it more than he actually tweets. So if you Twitter and you want to, go tell him Happy Birthday. :) @IROCbobZ28 is his Twitter name for those of you who don't already follow him.

He doesn't let me show his face online so this is as close as you get. This picture was taken two years or so ago, in a bar where we were celebrating something with a bunch of friends.

Happy Birthday, baby!!!

I love you!!

Comments, please?

Happy Anniversary!

I have to delay the Gigi review another day because today is a totally important day and I need to write about something special instead.

Today is our anniversary. Who? ♥ The Boyfriend and I, of course. That's right, as of today we have been together for 4 years. 4 YEARS. I know to you married folks and people who have been in committed long term relationships that are going on 10, 15, 18, 25, 37 and on up years, 4 years isn't much but, it's a long time, okay? Okay. We've never broken up and gotten back together a week or a month (or longer) later. We've never separated. We've never taken a break because we "needed space" or some such thing. We've probably both wanted to kill the other a few times here and there. At least, I know I have, hehe.

It's funny to see the way you can grow and change because of a person. Take The Boyfriend for example. Due to my standards for things being higher than his were, he ended up changing the way he expected things to be. Be it from the quality of food he was ingesting or the way people treated him. The thing that annoyed me most about him was that he was so nice, he tended to let people take advantage of his kind heart. He didn't see that but let me tell you, I definitely did. I don't mind that he's kind and has a big heart. In fact, I love that about him. I do mind people taking advantage of him. So, I started pointing out how, when and whom it happened with. He learned and now he's still a kind, generous guy but not to people that will take advantage of his compassionate nature.

Another thing about him? He's more open-minded because of me. :D He grew up rather sheltered where as I, wasn't sheltered at all. We grew up very differently in a lot of areas. He was so afraid to try new things and move out of his comfort zone. I spent so much time moving around, meeting new people, trying new things and just enjoying as much about life as I could that I don't really have a comfort zone to be settled into. I'm a free spirit in a lot of ways. I'm open-minded, spontaneous, adventurous and yeah, sometimes a little (or a lot) impulsive. Him? Pretty much the opposite of all of that. Now? He's more willing to try things he wouldn't even consider before. He's better about going new places, doing new things, trying new foods and pretty much more open-minded in general. He's more open to not having every little detail planned out as long as there's some structure to the plan I hatch because of me and the way I am. Which makes things a lot easier. It's hard to be someone who loves trying and doing new things and be with someone who's scared to do the same. It was more a matter of breaking the shy, reserved guy out of the shell he was in, though. If it hadn't been in him to begin with, it wouldn't be there now.

Now take me for example. I love to be out and about. Doing this, doing that. Even if it's sitting at someones house hanging out, it was better than being at my house doing nothing. I liked to go out all the time. It doesn't mean I spent any money because a lot of the time, I didn't. I have a knack for finding free stuff to do as a matter of fact. I just hated staying at home when there's so much world out there to see and take in. My guy on the other hand? He enjoys going and doing but he also enjoys sitting at home and relaxing. Due to this, I learned to compromise on wanting to be so active and "on" all of the time. Now, I can easily spend a Sunday at home and watch sports and movies all day. I'm content to not go anywhere and do anything. Which currently, due to the state of things, is a good thing because I'd really be losing my mind if I hadn't learned to be content to stay at home.

Another thing with me? I used to have a really bad temper. I'm talking punching walls, breaking stuff, getting so fuming mad that my heart would be pounding in my chest, cussing enough to make a sailor blush, throwing shit at walls (sometimes people); full out rage fits. I would go off over shit that didn't even matter just because it was easy to piss me off. I don't have a lot of that going on anymore. The Boyfriend? It's so HARD to piss him off. He rarely gets angry. He's a mellow kind of guy. I realized that I really needed to work on my anger issues and figure out why I got mad and why I got violent when I got mad. It wasn't healthy to be that way but I didn't realize it until I had The Boyfriend for comparison. Also him telling me to calm the fuck down a few times helped, too. As did him questioning why X,Y,Z would piss me off so badly. It made me look at myself and realize I needed a change.

I don't think you should ever change for a person. If you don't like the way your SO dresses, leave it alone. It makes them, them. I don't believe in making the person you're with change because in my mind, you're just building them into something you want them to be and not accepting them for who they are. I do think that sometimes, we as people can't see the things about ourselves that we need to work on or the things about us that are toxic and need to go. I didn't see how my anger was toxic to me then but I did and I definitely do now. I think that part of a relationship is becoming a better person because of the person you're with. There haven't been any drastic changes for either of us, just minor adjustments where we've both improved for the better.

No one in the world, not a single on, understands me better than my boyfriend does. He just gets me in a way that I didn't think anyone ever would. It's funny because a lot of people think I say odd and random things just to get a reaction out of people or just to shock them. I swear on my life, I don't do that. My mind just works in odd, quirky little ways. I don't sit there trying to think up some of my randomly odd ideas or crazy thoughts. They're just there and it's just the way I am. He knows some of the thoughts that lurk in my mind that I probably wouldn't tell anyone else. I'm comfortable enough with him to admit things to him (some of them being only thoughts, desires and ideas I've had and others being things I've done or tried) that I haven't ever told anyone else about and that surprises me. I'm fairly open as it is for the most part but there are still things I've always kept from everyone. Things that I'd think or do that would kind of weird me out so I never felt okay sharing them with anyone.

He knows me inside and out. All my flaws, quirks and awesome traits and he still loves me. Even when I go off on him for something stupid because even if my temper has gotten much more under control, I'm still a hot headed, moody bitch at times. :D He's patient, kind, loving, honest, loyal, trustworthy, understanding, non-judgmental, sweet, funny, goofy and wonderful. He treats me well. Better than well. He'll go without things if he has to to keep me from going without something. He goes out of his way for me. He takes care of me when I'm sick. He comforts me when I need it. He makes me laugh when I'd like to punch him or other people in the face. He understands me. He calms me down when I'm so mad I'm seeing red.

He made me realize I wasn't some weird, horrible, angry little person who didn't deserve to be loved. I was such a broken individual, no matter how hard I tried to pretend otherwise. I was so ridiculously miserable when he came into my life. It kind of stings writing that because even now, I have trouble wanting to admit how terribly unhappy I was. He makes me so happy. And part of that is because I'm a better person because of him. Part of it is because I was finally comfortable enough with someone to open up to them, tell them what was wrong and how I was hurting and he helped. He never judged me for anything I said or anything I felt. He held me while I cried once I was comfortable enough to let him see me that vulnerable. He didn't always tells me things were going to be okay because sometimes he didn't know how to help me through something. He worked through it with me when I tried to sabotage our relationship because I thought I didn't deserve someone as great as he is. And even through everything, he stayed with me and worked through things until I was in a better place. I still have shit I'm trying to work through but he helps. He'll always listen, he never pretends to have all the answers, he never judges and he never tells me what he thinks I want to hear because he always knows that what I want is the truth, even when it's going to hurt.

I'm a better person because of what he's brought to my life. Today makes it 4 years since we've been together. Honestly, it doesn't feel like it's been that long at all. I can't believe it's really been that long but it has. I think that's a good thing. Hopefully I'm saying the same thing every year from now for the rest of the time that we're together.

Oh and don't ask why we've been together so long and aren't married. We're not in any rush and we're definitely not in any financial situation to even think about getting married. There's also no law that says you have to marry someone if you've been with them for 2 years or more. It always irritates me when people ask why we're not married yet, as if there's some kind of timeline that's acceptable and we've passed that time right on by without doing what we were "supposed" to do. If we get married, it'll happen when it happens and not before then. ;)

Happy Anniversary baby! I love you. ♥ :)

Happy Tuesday!

Comments please? ♥