What Does Progress Look Like?

Last week in therapy:

I expressed frustration to my therapist because I was feeling like I haven't been making any progress. She asked me what I felt like progress looked like, what I wanted progress to feel like. I honestly didn't have an answer because I hadn't given any real thought to the concept of progress. I just had this vague idea in my mind of progress without really thinking about what that might look or feel like. She let me sit there a few minutes to try and gather any thoughts I had but I still came up with nothing.

She said, "let me tell you about your progress then. At times, it can be difficult to see it yourself when it's happening gradually and slowly. Sometimes we need an outsider to show us how we're changing."

Honestly, I had to actively keep from rolling my eyes because it sounded so cliche. I didn't because I remembered I tend to think of a lot of cliches as being considered cliche because they're a simple truth that's stated frequently. So, I waited.

Therapist: "A year ago today, what were you doing?"

Me: "I have no idea. I was maybe in Austin or working or at the pool or something like that. Just another day."

Therapist: "What you weren't doing was sitting in front of a therapist getting yourself the help you needed and deserved. I'd call you still sitting in front of me progress. I'd call you still working every day to achieve mental wellness progress. Do you agree?"

Me: "I consider that progress but I don't feel like I've done much more than seek out professional help."

Therapist: "Okay lets start with anxiety. Are you using the tools and techniques I've given you for managing your anxiety?"

Me: "Yes."

Therapist: "Are those helping you manage your anxiety?"

Me: "Well yeah but-"

Therapist: "There isn't a but there. You're doing the things you need to do, that's progress. Every day you get out of bed and try, you're making progress. Every day you look in the mirror and tell yourself you have to keep moving, you're making progress. Every day you're feeling sad and reach out to someone or do something for yourself, you're making progress. Even days when you're feeling your depression or your anxiety or anything negative and you acknowledge it and let it know you see it and know you won't let it win in the end, you're making progress. If you can take all of this in and still don't feel like you're making progress, we can talk about that, we can work on that until you feel like you're making progress."

We continued discussing the progress she's seen in other areas and it's just little things. Things I hadn't even really noticed yet. When we ended, I had a lot to think about.  

I thought about all the little things that didn't look like progress but in fact was that exactly. Putting real thought into what I wanted progress to look like and be versus what realistic progress for me actually looks like. A realization that I was looking for some big thing to happen to feel like I've been making progress hit me and I started laughing at my self. I'm forever talking about how the little things in life add up to something bigger, something more, and here I was ignoring my own little victories that are adding up to something more.

Progress isn't the same for any two people. It's like two people having the same mental health issue, it's not the same even if it is the same disorder because it does different things for different people. We feel the same things but it's not the same exact experience. It makes logical sense that recovering and improving your mental health won't be the same as anyone else's. The mental health issues people face are always unique to them. Depression isn't exactly the same for any two people. What works for some won't work for others and looking at other people and comparing yourself to them only sets you up for failure.

I now realize that "seeing progress" isn't a grand gesture that will present itself. It's not an epiphany that's going to show itself in brilliant blinding light so there's no way I can miss it. It's not an automatic shift in thoughts, feelings and moods that happens all at once.

Having a bad day doesn't mean I'm not making progress still. It just means I've had a bad day and need to not let that take over and wreck the progress I have made. A bad day or a couple bad days in a row are going to happen still but I can't let them win overall.

It's okay to still feel weak sometimes, too. I felt like bad days or feeling weak meant that I was sliding backwards and let them get to me more than I should have. It's been a weird thing learning how to handle myself and learning how to think differently. It's definitely not a bad thing and I don't get discouraged by the progress I still have to make to get to where I want to be. I realize I'm not where I was last year mentally and emotionally and that feels good. It's reassurance from myself that I am capable, I am strong and I can do this. As much as I need support from people around me, I also need to believe in myself and right now, I'm feeling stronger than I have in a while. That's the kind of progress I wanted, I just needed help seeing it.

Death and Life

June is an odd month for me. There's a lot to celebrate as it's one of my younger brother's birthday month, my birthday month, my boyfriend and his sister's birthday month and Father's Day. There's a lot of joy in there but then there are things that were life changing events that make it a harder month to get through emotionally and mentally.

June 9th is one of my younger brother's birthday. It also unfortunately is the day our grandfather passed away. Yesterday was the 4th year since he passed and my brother's 29th birthday. 

The last several years of my brother's life, I've always felt a little guilty because I want my brother to have an amazing day on his birthday, as people should. But I also still get so sad on that day because I miss my grandfather a lot. And I know it's something that weighs on him as well and that sucks. I also understand how much it sucks to lose someone you care for on a day that's supposed to be a damn good one to celebrate life and love and the people in your life. I digress. 

I was lucky to have someone so great that's worth missing so much be such a big part of my life because not everyone's fortunate to have a pair of kick ass grandparents. At the same time, it makes it hurt that much more because losing someone you have a close relationship with sucks. Even if you're a little happy to see them go because you know their pain and suffering is now over and who doesn't want that for a person they love?

Last year on June 13th, my friend Amanda committed suicide. June 15th is my birthday and that also happens to be the day we found out that she had committed suicide. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. In part, because it's hard not to think about it considering my birthday celebration last year ended with me laying in bed only to find she'd been found dead in her ex's kitchen shortly after I'd laid down. Also because it's coming up on that one year and people have been posting things to her Facebook wall. Poems, art, random thoughts, prayers and various other things. All things she'll never see or read but things that make the person posting them feel connected still, in some way. Or maybe it just makes them feel better in another way. I don't judge because I can't bring myself to delete messages from her and can't remove her from my Facebook feed even though I'll never be able to talk to her again. 

Her death was, in several ways, harder to deal with. My grandfather had Alzheimer's (which is what got me into doing the Alzheimer's Walks and fundraising for the Alz Association) and he was sick for quite a while before he finally couldn't fight anymore. Amanda, I didn't see that coming because you rarely ever see suicide coming. I had plans to see her and hang out the following weekend. I went to her funeral that day instead, which wasn't the way I wanted to spend time with her.

It wasn't the first friend I'd lost like this but it's not something that gets easier. It's hard and you go through so many emotions. I still occasionally get so goddamn mad at her for being gone and then a few minutes later I'm crying because I just miss her and wish I could split fajitas and some margaritas. I know it won't be as bad this year as it was last year, though. I won't be shocked and devastated because she's already gone. And as hard as it is to cope with death, it does get easier the more time passes by.

My grandfather's death was the first death I'd gone through that was someone I was truly close to. I feel guilty saying that because I'd lost other friends and relatives that I honestly didn't know that well before him. Those deaths sucked in different ways but his was the first one that was heartbreaking and devastating for me. I kept having people telling me it would get easier the more time that went by and after that first year, I really understood that nothing would be as awful as the first year of adjusting to the fact that he was gone. There were so many things that I didn't realize would hurt that did. Not needing birthday cards or father's day cards for him anymore. Not needing to buy a present for him at the holidays. Addressing Christmas cards solely to my grandmother and not to both of them. Changing the name in my cell phone from "Grandpa & Grandma" to just "Grandma." Watching a basketball game and remembering the reason I even like watching basketball is because I used to watch it with him and got into it because of him. Tons of little things that never even crossed my mind but felt like punches right to the gut. Now, after several years, moments like that happen few and very far in between.

With both of them, I think I thought it would stop hurting much more immediately than it did despite really knowing better. Maybe I naively hoped I could get passed it and be okay faster than I really did.  Like it couldn't possibly keep being painful year after X amount of time because at some point, you're obviously going to realize you've cried all your tears and had all of your sad moments. Then you could just think fondly of them and remember happy times and feel gratitude at the time you had with them and nothing will hurt anymore because it's been long enough. That's a really nice thought but it's not realistic and that realization sucks. There isn't a "long enough" and another realization that this one brought on is that that's okay, too. It's okay to cry and miss them and hurt. As long as you're not dwelling there and do remember all the good, it's okay to not be okay after you lose someone you love. It's okay to not be okay sometimes even after it's been a while. There's no time limit and no reason to feel guilty or ashamed over how you feel.

25 Happy Things

The last couple months have been fairly rough going. I haven't been overly negative despite everything though I feel like I haven't put enough focus on things that make me happy and the majority of my most recent blogs have been about sad and/or unpleasant things. So, it's always good to remind yourself of things that make you happy and I haven't done this post in a while so it's definitely overdue.

25 Happy Things

1.) Laying in bed listening to a thunderstorm and watching the rain and lightning through the balcony doors.

2.) Raspberry lemonade green tea.

3.) Dallas Stars hockey isn't too far away.

4.) The Alzheimer's Walk is only 19 days away. 

5.) Supportive friends.

6.) Loud music.

7.) S'mores.

8.) A boyfriend that can always make you laugh, even when you don't think you have any laughter left in you.

9.) Books. Stacks of them, just waiting to be read.

10.) Playing with your best friend's puppy.

11.) Fingerpainting.

12.) Dancing around the apartment.

13.) Guardians of the Galaxy. 

14.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle mugs.

15.) New pillows that are so comfy you don't know how you ever functioned without them.

16.) Swimming.

17.) Creating new dishes in the kitchen.

18.) Ice cream.

19.) Board game nights.

20.) Playing baseball in the park.

21.) Nature photography walks.

22.) Sleeping in late, even if "late" is only 7 AM.

23.) New Batman socks.

24.) Sketch books and colored pencils.

25.) Shiny new kitchen tools.

That's 25 things that make me happy. What are some of your happy things? I'm happy it didn't take too long to come up with the list. Which is great because I have to leave for work in two minutes. ;) 

Happy Monday!

40 Things That Make Me Happy

I've had a pretty rough week. No need to go into why because it's just a lot of small things that have happened on top of other annoyances and blah blah blah. It just hasn't been the best week and even though I try to always look for the good in things and find that silver lining, and generally succeed, sometimes it's hard to just keep being optimistic. So, I like to make lists of things that make me happy sometimes when I'm not in the best spirits. I don't exactly know why it does but it generally makes me feel a little better to make random lists of things that bring me joy. Which is what this post will be about. :) I'm going to see if I can get to 40.

Things That Make Me Happy:

• Hockey. (Some days it makes me feel murderrageface but I still love it.)
• Warm showers.
  
• Music.
  
• Hugs.
• Long walks.
• Trips to the art museum.
  
• Text messages.
• Dancing.
• Ice cream.
• Sketching.
• Sunshine and cool breezes.
• Books.
• Paintball.
  
• Comic books/graphic novels.
• Racing go-karts.
  
• Batman anything.
• Sleeping in.
• Cooking and baking.
• Writing.
• Laying in bed watching movies with Shane all day.
  
• Thunderstorms.
• Baseball.
• Going to concerts.
  
• Lazy Sundays.
  
• Puppies.
• Watching my little brother play hockey.
• Hanging out with my siblings.
  
• Doctor Who.
• Bubbles.
• Going to the driving range.
  
• Coffee.
• Long conversations with lots of laughing.
• Forehead kisses.
  
• Disney movies. (Aladdin is my favorite, in case you were curious. ;))
• Ice skating.
• Shoulder & back massages.
• Pixar movies.
  
• Swimming.
• Playing board games.
  
• Sunday brunch with friends.

That's 40!

Also, in doing this, I finally realized why this list thing I do helps me feel better. It helps remind me about all the things in life I have to be happy about. I have so many interests and hobbies. There's just so much about life that I enjoy seeing and doing. Making lists of those things reminds me that I have a lot I enjoy and a lot that makes me smile. Which makes bad days seem less awful because I know I have things to look forward to. Plus, I just really like making lists, haha. :)

Happy Thursday!

Self-examination of the mental variety...

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about a few things. Of course, I won't go into detail about what exactly those things are. Not yet anyway. That would make for a really long blog post and it would also likely be rather chaotic and wouldn't make much sense.

I've always been fascinated by the human brain and psychology, even before I really knew what either was. Your mind is such a beautiful, complicated thing. It also has the capacity to be a raging nightmare. Especially when you let things creep in and humor thoughts and ideas you know you probably shouldn't. It's a funny thing how so many thoughts and feelings people have that are harmful to themselves could be avoided by just not playing "what if" with oneself. Yet, people do it all the time anyway. Sometimes, letting something go is easy. Other times, it's harder to accept something for what it is. So, you poke and prod at it. Sometimes that makes it better and sometimes it makes it worse. Clarity and peace of mind versus chaos and confusion.

It's weird how a single event can change so much about the way you think and react to things. Of course, something traumatic happens to you and people tell you to expect changes. To expect things to be different. No one can tell you what that means because it's different for everyone. So you have this feeling of uncertainty surrounding you all the time, wondering what it is that will change because even you don't know right away. Sure, there are immediate things you notice. But then there's more. Then there's things that just happen slowly and you see them differently, react differently, contemplate them in new ways you hadn't before. And truly, that's not always a good thing.

Sometimes I wonder about why certain things happen to people. Is it some sort of personal test for them? Is it one of those cruel lessons that hurts but needed to be learned anyway? Is it to show them how much they can handle or how easily they could break? Or maybe just pure bad luck? I have issue with that because I believe in karma but I don't necessarily believe in luck. I always just think of luck, good or bad, as the result of karma more so than something that exists on it's own, freely.

In the end, I wonder if it's less about the events that happen to us and more about the way we react to them. The way we cope. The event itself has it's role to play, certainly. Everything in this world has it's own role to play. I think sometimes the more important thing to focus on is how you feel after an event and how you plan to counter. Not necessarily meaning revenge or anything like that, either. How you plan to counter the effects of the event. Life is full of actions and reactions. A lot of the actions people have no control over because shit just happens sometimes. Reactions, you can almost always be in control of, however.

Which lead me to thinking about some of the stuff I've been going through lately and my own reactions. I'm in kind of a weird place right now, both physically in this point in my life and in my head space. There's so much going on and I understand so little of it. And lately, I don't care much to try and figure any of it out. Which is so unlike me that it's scary. It wasn't until today that I realized how little I've cared to contemplate anything going on and that realization struck me hard. It was strange. I don't know why I've become complacent because that's something I've never been. I don't know why I've elected to just ignore things. Not in hopes that they'll go away but just because I'd apparently rather ignore them then deal with them. Which is also very unlike me. I've given up on some things and stopped caring about other things. Things I shouldn't give up on stop caring about. I've let some things get me down more than I should have.

So, now that I've taken off my own blinders to the person I've been here lately, I know I have some work to do and know I need to stop ignoring things because this version of myself? It's not me and I really don't like her very much. Though, outwardly I'm sure most people haven't noticed a difference because most of what's been different hasn't really effected my personality too much. It's more internal than that and since none of you (thankfully for you) live or even get to visit inside my head, I'm fairly confident there's very little differences outwardly.

Anyway, enough of that. This post was more for me to just clear my head a little and put it out there to, in a way, make myself more accountable for the things I need to work on within myself. Though, If anyone did read all of that, thank you. ;)

This is not an acid trip....

I was walking down the street on my way to the convenience store for a pack of gum, a bottled water and an energy drink. It was a gorgeous day; low 70's with a light breeze and big, puffy white clouds against the blue sky. The light breeze rustled the leaves of the trees that served as a shady canopy above my head. Cars passed by and there were others out walking as well. I could have taken the car but the convenience store was only two miles from where I live. Why not walk on such a lovely day?

I got to the crosswalk and stopped, hitting the button and then waiting for the light to change. My cell phone started ringing. I reached into my pocket for it but it wasn't there. I ran my hands over the length of my body but didn't feel my phone anywhere. I looked around and saw it laying on the sidewalk a couple feet to the right of me. I walked towards it and picked it up, puzzled about how it ended up there. I shrugged, answered the phone and then I fell through the the hole that opened suddenly in the concrete.

I felt myself sliding rapidly downwards in darkness. The material I was on was smooth and cool against my hands as I tried to grasp onto something uselessly. It felt thin and I momentarily panicked about it not being strong enough to hold me. I screamed and the sound echoed all around me. I came to what I thought was the end but it was just a wide curve in the material. I was sliding downward still but now I was going in multiple directions instead of only down. I tried to keep up. Left, right, left, straight again, right and then I felt my stomach turn as I was propelled upwards instead of down. My stomach turned again and I felt my eyes fluttering shut. I wouldn't puke but I might pass out. Wonderful. Just as my eyes began to close, I was launched into the air. My limbs were flailing as I sailed through the air, the darkness disappearing being replaced my a blinding white light. I shut my eyes tightly and felt myself free falling through the brightness.

I gritted my teeth and braced myself for a rough landing. I landed on a mattress and rolled off falling onto the too soft grass. I looked around and I was surprised to see tiny candy canes growing out of the too soft purple grass. Purple grass? I rubbed my eyes, kept them shut briefly and then opened them again. Yeah, purple grass with tiny candy canes growing out of it. I laughed and stood. I inhaled deeply and smelled peppermint, burning wood and vanilla. I looked around wondering what was burning and where the vanilla scent was coming from. I began walking slowly. All I could see was purple grass and the tiny candy canes. There seemed to be a point a half mile away where everything stopped. I walked that way. I reached the point where I couldn't see any further and suddenly, the grass under my feet widened, spreading out to reach further. Tiny candy canes popped up in the new grass. I stepped forward. Little houses, vibrantly colored and strangely decorated, popped up out of thin air. Shops and strange little people appeared too. I sped up my pace and tried to catch up to the strange looking people.

My phone rang and I pulled it out of my pocket to answer it. I answered it and music filtered out from the other end. I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at it. It started melting slowly in my hand. I stared at it, mouth hanging open slightly, shocked and a bit confused. It was melting. It sizzled and cracked as it melted slowly. I felt like it should hurt but it didn't. It was popping and crackling in my hands yet felt cool to the touch, like running my hand under cold water after a slight burn. I stared at it strangely and watched as it continued melting into a puddle. The puddle started overflowing gently, falling to the grass around me. As soon as it hit the soft grass, the grass sizzled and began smoldering slightly. I flung the rest of the melting mess out of my hand and stomped on it as it hit the grass. It stopped smoldering and started changing colors. I watched for a second as it turned from blue to yellow to orange and then, it was gone, as if it had never been there in the first place.

I took ten steps, looking towards a few of the houses thinking I could get to one and find out what was happening. I got to a road that was made of purple bricks dusted with black glitter I paused and stared at the bricks for a few seconds. I moved to take another step forward but never made it onto the bricks. I was sucked into the ground and felt myself falling again. This time, I was not surrounded by total darkness. The tunnel I was sliding down was like a kaleidoscope of bright colors and pretty patterns. I got dizzy watching them all fly by but I couldn't close my eyes, couldn't stop staring as the colors and designs flew by me.

I launched out of the tunnel again. I landed on my feet and found myself standing in line at the convenience store. I looked around me, freaked out. The cashier got my attention and told me my total. I looked at him but didn't really see him. I heard him ask if I was okay. I shook my head and looked at him again. He looked concerned and I wondered how crazy I must seem in that moment. I smiled and pulled a a ten dollar bill out, left it on the counter and walked out of the store with my bag of items I had no recollection of picking up. I stood outside the door and inhaled. I smelled familiar smells. Gasoline, trees, a little of the dirty smell that hung over the town and something different, something not usually there. Peppermint. I looked down and saw little bits of purple grass sinking back down into the sidewalk.

I started running, towards my house, without looking back, without looking around me. As I ran, the purple grass started springing up around me again. I skidded to a stop on the street that I lived on as I watched the grass roll up through the concrete. I stopped, looking around. Beautiful, lush trees in vibrant colors shot up from the ground around me. I watched as little sparkling bulbs, one that looked like big, round Christmas ornaments, sprouted on all of the trees around me. The white fluffy clouds above my head began swirling and turned into a red color. The air smelled like vanilla now and I began walking slowly in the direction that my house should have been in.

I heard a shrill voice call my name and looked over my shoulder. A girl with bubble gum pink hair was waving at me frantically as she yelled my name. She appeared to be running but it didn't seem like she was getting any closer to me. She had bright blue makeup on and hot pink glitter dusted over her entire face. She was wearing a bright yellow dress, resembling the one Belle wears at the end of Beauty in the Beast and black combat boots. Suddenly, she reached behind her and produced a handful of candy canes. She launched them at me and I started running again. One of the candy canes hit me in the head and then another hole opened up and I was falling again. I was going down a spiral slide this time, black lights and plastic white stars lighting the way as I slid downwards. I slowly slid downward for what seemed like miles and then finally reached the end. I hit the ground and it was damp, purple and orange bubbles everywhere. The room smelled of cinnamon and the only light was still the black light and plastic stars. I looked around and saw what seemed to be a hallway. I followed the glowing plastic stars until I came to a door.

I reached to push the door open and then there was an arrow just above where my hand was. I looked behind me and saw several pairs of eyes and nothing more staring at me in the darkness. More arrows hit the wall around me and I reached for the door again. I pushed it open and rushed to step outside. I was on the side of a cliff and stopped myself from stepping down. Jagged rocks in vibrant colors and bright blue waves crashing violently against them were all that I could see below me. Suddenly, I felt hands on my back. I could smell vanilla again and started to fight back. Then several pairs of hands were restraining me rendering me unable to fight anything off. Someone whispered, "sorry love" against my ear and then I was being pushed across the threshold down into the jagged rocks and crashing waves. I was flailing down and looked back up at the door. All I could see where the eyes all staring down at me for a few seconds. Then it was arrows raining down on me as I fell toward to rocks and violent waters.

--------------------------

I woke up then, initially panicked and then relaxed a little when I realized I was laying in bed still. I inhaled deeply and then sighed, relieved that I didn't smell anything sweet or see anything brightly colored or sparkling. I looked around the room but couldn't make out more than vague shapes in the darkness. The bedroom was quiet and all I could hear was my boyfriend's rhythmic breathing next to me. I smiled to myself and laughed at myself before I closed my eyes and drowsily drifted back off to sleep. Thankfully, that dream didn't pick back up where it left off. :)

And no, I didn't drink or eat anything weird before bed. I didn't watch or read anything weird. I didn't drink any alcohol at all yesterday and I didn't take any different or odd medication. If you've read my blog long or known me long enough (or know me well enough) then you probably know I have semi-odd dreams like that pretty much every time I dream. I'm also really good at remembering my dreams most of the time and dream rather often.

Happy Thursday!

See me looking all "goth" and stuff...

So, I found some old pictures of myself. Actually, they're only a couple years old so they're not that old. Anyway, I sometimes get in a mood and dress/do my make-up in what would be considered the "goth" look. While I never labeled myself or considered myself any one thing since I'm too multi-faceted to fit into any one group and would hate to be stuck in that kind of box anyway, I do get why people pinned some of the labels they did to me. It didn't make it less annoying, however. I don't understand people's obsession with labels and needing themselves and other people to fit into a certain category. It makes no sense. I digress. That minor rant really has little to do with this post.

I don't wear a lot of make-up. My make-up consists of eyeliner, mascara and either lip balm or clear lip gloss. Eye shadow if I'm going out somewhere like dinner, an event, etc. That's how I like it, less is more. If I wear any at all. I never got into lipstick. I figure my lips are a nice enough color, why bother wasting money on lipstick to make them a different color? Especially when it's going to rub off in a short matter of time and need re-applying anyway? Too much effort. Though, I do own one color of lipstick and that would be black. Yes, present tense because I some how never seem to run out of the stuff. I think I was 13 the first time my mom let me get a tube of black lipstick. I was a tomboy and didn't have any interest in wearing make-up when I was a little girl or a teenager. I remember my mom did some girly make-up on me once to see if I liked it and wanted to start wearing it. I wasn't a fan and couldn't wait to wash it off and head back outside to play basketball. But once I discovered all the black, I liked that though. I went through a bad time where I was going through a lot and I liked everything to be black. I felt dark and gloomy and wanted to look the way I felt. I had issues. Real issues not just whaa my life sucks teenage angst but whatever, that's another post for another day.

Now if I do the goth make-up, it's not because I feel it's fitting. It's just because I dig it and it's fun. Ironically, when I do the goth look, it's usually for a party. Or bar or some event. And I end up annoyed because it requires quite a bit more make-up than I'm used to normally wearing.




Nifty right? I hate wearing foundation, powder or any make-up on my face so doing it to get the desired effect of pale is annoying as hell but once in a while, it's still fun to do. I'll probably incorporate the look into my Halloween costume some how this year. As soon as I figure out what I'm dressing up as and what the heck I'm doing for Halloween, heh.

Happy Tuesday!

Soul searching...

I was hanging out with my friend at Starbucks yesterday and we were looking over some books and talking about one in particular we mutually love. I was talking and laughing and smiling, which is what I do. A lot. He remarked that he doesn't know anyone who smiles and laughs more than I do. He says I'm so refreshing to be around because I'm so often just laid back and happy.

I laughed and told him a year ago, he would have hated to be around me. Two or three years ago, he would have hated to be around me. I wasn't so laid back. I wasn't so easy to get along with. I wasn't happy most of the time.

I'm the happiest I've ever been in life. I was so miserable and unhappy for so much of my life and my biggest issue was wanting to be happy but not really knowing what to do to get there. My biggest problem was myself. I was so hard on myself about everything. I won't get into it all here because it's more personal than even I want to get. I also had quite a few issues to deal with that I had kept held in and pushed down for far too long.

In January this year, I was looking at myself in the mirror one day. I had been crying so hard that I'd ended up throwing up until I was dry heaving. I had mascara and eyeliner dried up all over my face. Swollen eyes from all that crying. I wanted to scream at the girl looking back at me to stop being such a fucking mess.

In May, same thing on a different day. That time, for some reason, was different. I don't know why, I just know it felt different. I wasn't sure what to do but I knew I couldn't keep going on like I had been. I shuffled off to the bedroom and laid down in bed, turning the Pandora app on my phone on. A song came on and two parts of the song really hit me.

"If we're gonna make this work, you gotta let me inside even though it hurts. Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see."

"Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be, you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me."

Those lines really hit me hard and got me thinking. The song is about love between a couple, but it got me thinking about so much more than that. I started doing a lot of soul searching. I started thinking about why I was unhappy, what was hurting me, what was stressing me out. A few things, I couldn't change. A lot of things, I could address and deal with. I stopped stuffing my emotions down when I felt a certain way. I let myself cry when I felt like crying instead of pushing it back and letting myself get angry over whatever I was going to cry about.

By July, I was feeling better about myself. I felt lighter. I felt like a lot of baggage had been lifted because really, it had. I wasn't sleeping more than I needed to. I wasn't ignoring text messages and phone calls from friends. I wasn't crying on a regular basis. I wasn't mentally beating myself up. I was improving and growing.

By mid-September, I was even better. I had dealt with a lot of things, come to terms with some things, truly let go of some toxic people that needed to not be a part of my life and learned how to take it easy on myself. I forgave myself for things I had blamed myself for for far too long. I did so much soul searching and so much emotional and mental purging that it was exhausting at times, lol.

It's October now and I've still got some shit to work out. I still have a few things in my life that I'm not satisfied with but that I'm working to change. I know there will always be little things here and there but some of what's left are things that can be fixed, that need to be fixed. And they will be. I've changed in a lot of ways but I'm still the same girl. I've just grown, a lot. I've become the person that I wanted to be, that I knew I could be, if I just had the strength to overcome things and be that girl.

I wake up and don't ever contemplate staying in bed all day anymore.

I haven't laid on the floor or laid in bed sobbing in months now.

I haven't had an anxiety attack in 2 months and haven't had to take any medication for anxiety in 2 months.

I haven't looked in the mirror and disliked the person I saw looking back at me in months.

I don't have much to my name. I'm still trying to get on track financially from being unemployed for almost a year. I'm still struggling to keep my head above water with some things but I don't let it stress me out as much anymore. I still have some work to do and some improvements to make and I still struggle with not holding all my feelings and stuff in; but I'm doing better and will keep doing better.



I took this picture yesterday at some point in the evening. I was tired, my make-up was messed up, my hair was a mess but you know what? It's the first picture I've taken of myself in months where I'm actually smiling and look happy. :)

It hasn't been easy getting here but I'm damn happy for the most part. It makes everything in my way, everything that I still need to work through and other road blocks that pop up out of no where so much easier to look at and deal with.

Happy Tuesday!

Perceptions...

On Facebook, there's an application that lets you answer random questions about your friends. It generates questions and friends at random and you answer them with a simple yes or no. It can be something like, "Do you think John Murphy is a good friend?" to "Is Wanda Waldo a good friend?" and so on and so forth. You don't pick the questions and you don't pick which friend you get the question about. On my Facebook account for my blog, I've had a hundred some odd questions answered about me and sometimes, even though I don't use the app, I like to look through them and see the answers. I can't see who answered what about me unless I use "coins" and I can't get coins unless I use the app and build them up. Or I can buy them and then use these coins to find out who answered what about me. I don't want to mess with it.

The questions are fairly basic and usually the answers are right on. Some of the answers are dead wrong, though. So, I was bored and figured I'd copy and paste some of the questions that were answered wrongly then add my own little note about it. I was bored, as I said. I was also (still am) dead tired and didn't want to do anything that required me to actually think too hard.

So, for your enjoyment.... The questions are in black, the yes or no answer from the mystery person that answered the question is bold and my response to said question and answer is in a pretty red font.

And who knows, maybe one of you reading is one of the people that answered a question about me and you'll find out if you're right or not. Or maybe you'll just learn something new about me. Or be bored out of your head. Whatever, it's all good. Enjoy!




ANYWAY.....

One thing I have to throw out here.... TONIGHT IS THE FIRST PRE-SEASON GAME FOR THE DALLAS STARS!!!!! OMG!! HOCKEYYYYY!!! Of course, I'll be at work but I hope someone I follow on Twitter will tweet something about it so I can semi keep up with what's going on. :D Or I'll just check the ESPN app on my phone regularly. As long as I'm not busy, of course. :D

Also, if you don't follow me on Tumblr.... well, you should. ;) Well, ifyou're looking for porn, erotic photography, sex, sexy stuff, fetish photography, etc? Don't follow me, you'll only be disappointed by the lack of nudity on my Tumblr, lol. I'm always looking for new people to follow on there. :)

Happy Tuesday!

Questions & a picture parade...

I did part one of these questions a week ago. I'm getting around to part two now. Working crazy hours is totally hindering my blogging. Which, I know sucks for everyone who likes to stop by and read here. Also, sucks for me because I mainly blog because I like to write and haven't had much time to do that lately. Fucking crazy work schedule. It's all good, though.

1.) If you could be a star athlete in any sport, which sport would you pick?
Hockey. ;)

2.) If you had to throw away either your TV or your computer, which would you choose?
TV. I pretty much never watch TV unless there's a game on I want to see and even then, most are on cable channels I don't have anyway. You can watch stuff online anyway, so... :)

3.) Would you rather own a luxury yacht or a private jet?
Jet.

4.) What was the last home cooked meal you had and when was it?
I don't remember when but I made spaghetti one afternoon before work recently-ish.

5.) If you had to become any fictional character out of Alice In Wonderland for an entire week, who would you be?
Mad Hatter. Who else? ;)

6.) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I wouldn't change it.

7.) Would it be terrible for you (since you don't like her) if you got stuck in an elevator with Lady Gaga?
I dislike her music. I don't know her as a person so I can't dislike her. It would be terrible to be stuck in any elevator, period. I'm claustrophobic and dislike elevators as it is. Being stuck in one? PASS.

8.) What TV show on FOOD Network would you be on?
We don't have cable/satellite so I have no idea.

9.) What is one thing you are bad at?
Waiting. I have a lot of energy and I get bored if I need to just sit somewhere, doing nothing, waiting.... Aye.

10.) Who is hotter; Eric Dane, Milo Ventimiglia, Chace Crawford or Paul Wesley?
I have no clue who any of them are.

11.) If you had to be one would you rather be a famous model, actress or musician?
Musician. I love music. I'd hate to be famous, though.

12.) What did the last message you got in a fortune cookie say?
No idea. I don't even remember the last time I had a fortune cookie because it was SO long ago.

13.) How do you like your steak served to you?
On a plate. :)

14.) If you had to give up watching hockey games on TV or sex for a year, which would you give up?
Ouch.... Uhh.... Hockey. Lol. I can still go to games, right? That's not watching on TV, so woo. What if I watch on the laptop? Woohoo. Still, between those two, I'd have to deal with reading about how the games went, lol.

15.) What's the best thing about your new job?
That I'm getting a paycheck again, lol.

Thanks for the questions, y'all! If anyone has anything else they want to ask, hit my formspring with them. I know I have a few there now so I'll answer them as I have time to. :)

And now, some pictures that were posted on my Tumblr... just because I want them here, too.

Happy Monday!!!

Suckage, charity, Rangers, Brand Boyd & more.

You know what sucks? Unexpectedly stepping on a LEGO block, especially if you catch a corner or if it twists around under you. Fuck that shit. It's a tiny little thing but it's SO very annoying.

More suckage? Paper cuts. Fuck 'em. They're annoying as hell. And they're so small they shouldn't be such a problem. Go figure.

You know what else sucks? My boyfriend gets home from work and gets to bed about an hour before I get up for work. I get home from work after he's already gone to work. By the time he gets home, I'm passed the fuck out. The only day we have off together is Sunday. So even though I live with him, I'm only going to see him one day out of the week. And a few hours on Friday nights. It'll do. At least I'm finally working but man... Lol.

The Boyfriend rented After.Life last night from Redbox. It has Liam Neeson in it. I so love him as an actor. It also has Christina Ricci and she's awesome. I don't usually like movies like that because they tend to be so laughable and ridiculous. "Scary" movies don't scare me and "thrillers" don't usually do much for me either. Blood and gore movies don't bother me either. I actually dig some of those. Mmm, blood and gore. Anyway, I haven't watched it yet.

I find it funny when people criticize other people's taste in movies. "I hate horror movies, I need some substance in my films and blood and scary bits aren't substance." Yeah, but romantic comedies are just packed full of substance, right? Riii-iight. To each their own people. Quit being so fucking critical of EVERYTHING, stop acting like your opinion is the only one and that anyone that likes something you find stupid is also a moron. Pfft. Of course, disagreeing is cool. I just find it ridiculous when people attack someone or get into pitiful little serious trash talking matches over stuff. Good natured jabbing among friends is always fun. Being seriously critical over a difference in opinion over such trivial things? Please.

Put your efforts toward something that actually matters. There are tons of issues in the world really worth fighting for. Pick one of those that means something to you and go for it.

Speaking of which, I'm doing a canned food/non-perishables food drive to give to the local food bank. I'm harassing my friends and their families and other people I know. If any of you in the Dallas area that I know want to let me raid their cabinets, let me know. Or you can drop stuff off to me and I'll take it. Or I can pick it up from you if you want to raid your own cabinets. If I don't know you, sorry, I won't be making any house calls to people I don't know for safety reasons. Though, if you're willing to have me come pick some stuff up? Go ahead and put whatever you would be giving me into a bag or box and drop it off. There's always somewhere that needs something. :)

Donations are always nice, too.

Which reminds me. I'm definitely going to be doing the Toys for Tots blog fundraiser again this year. :D And I'll start doing donations and shopping earlier, too. That way I don't have to go all crazy doing the shopping and dropping off so close to Christmas. If you missed that, you should check that out. It was awesome. :D

Anyway...... I haven't blogged about any sports stuff lately. Even with Turco landing in Chicago and Modano going to Detroit, I decided to skip blogging about both of those hockey topics. Maybe I will. Maybe not. I'm going to talk baseball for a minute. Or several. ;)

FUCK YEAH GREENBERG-RYAN! Buh bye Tom Hicks. Now, to get the Stars sold so they can say buh bye to Hicks, too. I was seriously happy Greenberg and Ryan won the Rangers auction. Now, lets get the ball going, lol. I just.... Cuban? No thank you. Stick to the Mavericks buddy, please and thank you. Speaking of.....

The Rangers won against Seattle last night, 11-6. Not bad considering they were trailing 5-2 going into the 5th inning. ;) I would also like to point out that the Rangers now have an 8 game lead over the A's and an 8 (or 9? I don't want to go check, lol) game lead over the Angels holding down the top slot in the American League West. Now, lets hope they beat Seattle again tonight and keep adding wins on to those numbers. :D I just wish I actually got to watch most of the games. It's a bummer only having network TV sometimes, lol. Considering sports are the main thing I like to watch, no sports channels kills me, lol. Oh well, at least I can follow along thanks to the internet. :D

Oh and fuck me, Brandon Boyd (of Incubus fame) has a solo effort out. I fucking love him. His voice slays me. It's so lovely to my ears. I need to hear the rest of this CD. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be able to afford some frivolous little purchases again. :) For now, here's the song and odd but awesome video for "Runaway Train."



And just because, here's the song "Courage and Control" done to a nice little picture show.



Seriously... his voice.... *swoon* And yes, I love Incubus so much they get their own post label, lol. :D

Happy Thursday!

Pictures....

I think I look pretty snazzy in huge glasses with a very large nose and a decent looking mustache. Don't you? Probably not but that's cool, lol.

I like to do goofy things. Not for attention but to make people laugh. I don't care about getting the attention. My goal is to always make people around me smile or laugh or at least be mildly amused by my ridiculousness. I like my environment to stay fun, laid back and happy as much as possible. I like to help achieve that by acting... well, like I do. :D

Also, I realized I still had not posted any shots of my new hair style courtesy of (one of) my awesome best friends hooking me up with a cut and color from the comfort of my own home. So, here's a good little preview of what my hair looks like now.

For some "before" shots of what my hair was looking like color and length wise? Here for the length. Here and here for the color. My hair was quite a ways down my back. When Fangs cut it, he took a little more than 5 inches off of the longest layer. It feels so much lighter now. My hair was so long and heavy. In this summer heat and humidity? IT WAS KILLING ME. Lol. I'm also happy with the color. After I find out about my new job's policy about hair coloring, I might look into adding some color to it. :D Or, I might just leave it as is since I do like this color and there are some red tones through out it.

Moving on......

Thanks to everyone for all the comments on yesterday's post. I did appreciate all the advice on how to get some clothes.

When I talk about having mostly only guy friends, I'm seriously not joking. My two best female friends? One lives close to San Jose, CA and the other lives in Las Vegas. Those were both chicks I met when I lived and worked in CA. Here? I don't have any female friends I'm close with or that I even talk to or see on a regular basis. All of my friends that I'm close with and see a lot on a regular basis are guys. I do have a couple female friends but they're not close to the size I wear and I'm not good enough friends with any of them to borrow clothes from them if they were near my size.

Borrowing from family doesn't work either. My parents and siblings live in CA. I have aunts and a few female cousins but one aunt doesn't live at all close to me, the other doesn't live too far away but her clothes wouldn't fit anyway. I have two female cousins and I wouldn't be able to wear their clothes either. I also wouldn't even feel comfortable asking due to the fact that I'm not very close with either of them. I don't even have either of their cell phone numbers to be honest.

I really did appreciate all of the suggestions, though. Thank you! I love that people read my blog and want to offer me up advice when I'm in need of it. Y'all are awesome. And I totally have the information stored away in my mind now if I ever need to know these things again. You never know when things will come in handy. :D

I also didn't have enough money to go buy anything either. I had $11 in my checking account and that's literally all the money I had. I've sold a lot of stuff in the last few months. One to clear out some junk and two because it was money for groceries or other stuff I might have needed. I did have some other stuff I was going to attempt to sale but turns out, I won't need to be doing that. Thankfully. I don't honestly have much stuff as it is, lol. That comes from moving around a lot and wanting to keep everything down to a minimum so I didn't have much to pack and unpack but I digress.

No worries, though. I've got a couple wonderful people that have offered to help me out with some stuff and it'll be enough until I've got some money and can buy some stuff on my own. I'll wait for Monday to post more details on that, though. Mainly because I want to be able to include some pictures of some stuff and give all of the details so I can brag about how awesome some of the people in my life are and this thing has gotten long enough already. I'm totally excited for Monday. I've HATED not working. I started working when I was 13 doing whatever kind of odd stuff I could do to make money and got my first real job at 15 and have worked steadily since then. So not having a job has been killing me. Not having money sucks and makes living hard. Being at home most of the time ( drives me nuts) and not doing much fun and not seeing my friends has sucked. Mainly, though? I just really love to work and love how productive and happy I feel when I'm working. Not having that has been really bad for my mental and emotional well being and I've been far more unhappy, stressed and upset than I've let on. But anyway... like I said, this has gotten long enough already. ;)

Here's a music video. "If You Could Only See" by Tonic. This has been one of my favorite songs for many years.




Check out some other stuff I posted to Twitter via TwitPic. You know, if you want to. ;) There's a couple pictures of an awesome zebra striped hot pink pimp hat plus some other rad stuff.


I NEED SOME SECRETS for my Saturday posts. :D If you want to submit a secret for me to use tomorrow then just e-mail it to me: amorousrocker [at] gmail [dot] com. Or leave it as a comment here anonymously if you want to do it that way and I'll copy it and use it tomorrow.

And now, one last picture.... :)

Happy Friday!

I'm so happy right now....

So guess what this chick will be doing on Monday? If you follow me on Twitter or creep on my Twitter, you're not allowed a guess because you probably already saw. :p For anyone who didn't see the tweet, if you guessed I'll be fucking finally starting a new job? YOU GUESSED CORRECTLY!

Finally. *huge sigh of relief* I have less than $20 in my checking account and $0 in my savings account so this couldn't have happened at a more perfect time. Months upon months upon months of interviews and applying for a ridiculous amount of jobs has finally paid off. The only issue I'm going to have is the job requires a wardrobe quite a bit nicer than the one I have. I literally have 2 shirts that I'll be able to wear to this new job and none of my shoes (I have 3 pairs, lol. I'm not a fan of shopping & don't buy a lot in the way of shoes or clothes, obviously, which is kinda biting me in the ass right now but I digress) fit into the dress code I have to go by. So that is going to be a bit of a problem but I'll get it figured out, hopefully. :)

It's a job I think I'm really going to enjoy and moving into a direction I want to go in. Which is nice. I will, for the purposes of safety, won't be saying what I'm doing or where I'll be working. I'm excited, though. :D

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go call my mom and some close friends and tell them that someone finally hired me, lol. Oh and don't worry, this is auto-posting at 6 AM Thursday morning but I wrote the post super early Wednesday evening. So, it's not like I'm calling them ridiculously early (especially my mom, who lives in California, where it would be 4 AM at the time this is auto-posting, lol) to tell them my happy news.

Happy Thursday, y'all!

25 Questions

As you may have noticed, the blog looks a little bit differently. ;) I spent some time Saturday doing my layout over, adding tabs, removing junk from the sidebar, adding a chatbox, changing up the color scheme. Blah blah blah. What do you think of it? Yeah, you! I want to know. :)

I found these questions on a tumblr and decided to nab them to do today. I'd link to the Tumblr but it wasn't one I follow and I didn't think to grab the link. :)


1. What did you do last night?
Laundry, some cleaning, hung out with myself, played around online, chatted with one of my friends, had dinner with Fangs, watched a movie, went to bed annoyed.

2. What time did you wake up today?
7:45 AM and then went back to sleep. Then got up for real at 10 AM.

3. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
26, next June.

4. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
Yes. :) I'm not obnoxious about it, though.

5. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex?
Opposite, definitely.

6. How did you get one of your scars?
Drunk driver. You can read about that here, if you want to.

7. Who was the last person you were annoyed with and why?
My boyfriend. I'd prefer not to say why.

8. The last three songs you listened to where by who?
Bush, The Fray and Amon Amarth.

9. Do you prefer to sleep alone or with someone else?
Honestly, while it's nice having someone to sleep with every night, I sleep better when I sleep alone.

10. Do you know how to use any word(s) correctly, but not know the meaning?
Not that I can think of.

11. Would you like a totally free bright red Porsche?
Sure. I'd take it just so I could sell it to be honest, lol. I dislike Porsche's.

12. Would you like to live in California?
Been there, done that, wouldn't care to do it again.

13. Do you know which US states don’t use Daylight Savings Time?
Arizona and Hawaii. :)

14. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
Ocean. I have weird phobias about lakes. Don't even get me started...

15. Do you wear a lot of black?
Around 85% to 90% of my clothes are black. I'm working, slowly, on blending some color in there. Though, that effort has been kind of stalled since I don't have money to buy clothes currently, lol.

16. Can you dive into a pool, lake or other body of water without plugging your nose?
Yes.

17. What color is your razor?
Green and blue.

18. How do you feel about carrots?
I love them!

19. How many chairs at the dinner table?
We don't have a dining room table.

20. Do you know all the words to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme Song?
Yes.

21. Did you just start singing or running the words through your head to the theme song to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
Yes, lol.

22. Do you like John Mayer's rendition of "Free Fallin'" originally done by Tom Petty?
I haven't heard it but since I dislike John Mayer's music/voice I will assume I would not like his version of one of my favorite fucking songs.

23. Would you shave your legs if you didn't have to?
No one has to if they don't want to. I, however, would still do it because I hate having body hair.

24. What celebrity gossip shows, websites, magazines, etc do you enjoy?
None. I don't keep up with any of it.

25. What's your astrology sign?
Gemini. :)

Happy Sunday!

Analyzing the answers...

I pretty much stayed away from my laptop yesterday. I applied for some more jobs and then I didn't touch the laptop again. I didn't feel like messing with any social networking websites because I didn't want to be any kind of social. I had a migraine from hell, looking at a computer screen to do any reading wasn't going to make it feel better. Later that night when I was feeling like I might want to mess around online, I hopped on Tumblr. I saw a quiz posted and I took it, posted it to my own Tumblr then got back off the laptop a few minutes later.

Take the quiz here.

I'm going to post my results here and comment on them. :D Fun, eh? My comments are in italics.

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

This is true, for the most part. My decision doesn't always appeal to both parties and "sometimes" would be a better fit than "usually" because it doesn't happen to swing that way the majority of the time. I also know a lot of people who don't appreciate my blunt, straightforward nature. To those people? Fuck 'em.


The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don’t judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren’t necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people’s eyes.

Yes, yes and yes. Though, "serious" also needs to know how to relax and have fun. The last sentence annoys me a little bit but whatever.


Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.

So not true. It takes me a while to commit. The Boyfriend and I talked and were friends and then moving "in that direction" for an entire year before I made a commitment to him. I'm slow to do that and I never know all that quickly if someone is someone I want to be with long term or not.


The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Again, the whole "being straightforward will pay off big for you" thing is annoying to me. Also, not true. My blunt and straightforward nature gets me labeled as a bitch quite often. Which is fine by me. I'd rather be a bitch than a lying little sugar coater that people can't figure out because I'm too afraid to speak my mind for whatever reasons.


Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

SPOT ON.


The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don’t focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

Fairly accurate yet again. There's just so much in the world I want to achieve and accomplish, it's hard to focus on one thing and stick with it. I want to do it all! :D


How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don’t succeed. Don’t give up when you haven’t yet even started! Be courageous.

Part of this is true. I am scared of failure but not to the point that it ever stops me from doing what I want to do. I do it anyway, even if I am afraid, and hope like hell I don't fail. Then if I do, I try to learn from it so I don't repeat the same mistakes.


What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don’t ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Very true! Independence and being able to take care of myself are insanely important to me and something I pride myself on because I don't need people to take care of me. Which is also why I have such a very hard time letting people know when I do need help taking care of me and also why I tend to go without things I need before I'll ask for help. And yes, I am aware of the difference between stubborn pride and independence and do know that it's okay to ask for help from time to time. Knowing it and doing it aren't always the same thing.


Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Spot on, again!


While there were, of course, some things that weren't entirely accurate, it was mostly pretty right on. If any of you do this and end up posting your results or feel like sharing them, I'd love to see them! So definitely let me know if you decide to go take the quiz. :D

Also, if you have a Tumblr and I don't already follow you, hit me up with a link. I need more people to follow. And if you don't post kinky/sexy/erotic stuff on yours, that's fine. If you look at mine, I don't post much of that at all and most of the people I follow don't either. :D Or, if you ca suggest some Tumblr pages you find interesting, I'd check them out. Who knows, I might dig it, too!

Happy Wednesday!

Comments, anyone?

In my head...

I hate when you're trying to apply nail polish and you sneeze really hard out of no where and end up with nail polish all over your fingers. And sometimes clothes and other things in the area.

I also hate how nothing itches until you have wet fingernails.

I always pick at the nail polish. It never has a chance to chip away because I peel it away.

Edit: Sarahbear Someone (sorry, I forgot who but speak up if it was you) tweeted a quote they had seen on Facebook. "Don't worry about karma. She's only a bitch if you are." That made me chuckle.

Yesterday, I got my Crayola crayons out and started drawing. I draw better with pencil but I didn't have any colored pencils to draw with so the crayons had to do. (You can click on both pictures to see the bigger versions.)

I made a cute cupcake.



And then this. I was disappointed with this a little bit. I definitely would have done better on this one with some pencils instead of crayons. Ah well.



Something else about Crayola? I love the smell of crayons. LOVE it.

I tweeted yesterday about how parking garages make me nervous. I was walking through one on my way to yesterday's waste of time job interview and tweeted about how they make me nervous. Most of the replies had to do with saying they could relate because they made them nervous because they were scared of being attacked in them as well. I made another tweet to clarify that wasn't why I'm nervous about them. I'm not afraid of being attacked in them. I'm scared of the structure itself. I know they're secure enough but I'm always nervous I'm going to be walking through and the whole thing is just going to collapse. Rather irrational fear I suppose but it's not impossible; just improbable.

I also have issues with escalators. I'm always anxious that my clothes will get stuck in them or that I'll fall some how or that something will go wrong. I'd rather walk up flights of stairs over being on an escalator.

Bridges make me nervous, too. Only when I'm driving across them or in a car going across one, though. If I'm walking or standing on one, I do okay.The only exception to that are those bridges made of rope and board. I won't cross one, they terrify me.

I've gone cliff diving, jumped off bridges into the ocean, skim boarded and hung out on a beach during a hurricane on multiple occasions, done the skycoaster and done tons of other really risky fun things that were often also potentially dangerous. Yet try to get me on an escalator or get me to drive over a bridge and I'm packed full of anxiety. Most of the things that really bother me are all irrational fears that I know aren't likely to happen but know could happen. I have very few rational fears.

Happy Friday!

Comments, please?

Blah blah blah

I like to clean, for the most part. I think it's partly because I enjoy doing things with my hands (yeah yeah, yuk it up) and partly because I don't particularly care for watching TV so it gives me something productive to do. Which is great because I hate sitting around the house doing nothing. Being unemployed and broke, I do a LOT of sitting around the house right now. Which sucks because I like to go and do a lot. So, to keep occupied, I've been cleaning and organizing a lot lately. Which, in some cases, must be driving the people I live with nuts. I organized the pantry in the kitchen the other day. I can't stand having to move 10 things around to find something because nothing is in order. I'm talking a box of tostada shells sitting next to a sleeve of cookies on the same shelf as canned corn and a bag of rice. There wasn't a lot of structure and organization in there. I figure since I'm the only one who ever really cooks, I can organize the damn pantry so I can find stuff without having to look for 5 minutes. So, I took everything out. Organized. Bam. Once I'm done, the girl comes in looking for NutriGrain bars, opens the pantry and proceeds to look confused because it's organized instead of a little organization with random stuff here and there. The only thing I did worry about was Ms. M coming in from work and seeing I had re-organized her pantry. My defense was ready with the whole "since I'm the only one who cooks...." but I didn't need it. She looked at it, shrugged and said as long as she could still find stuff she didn't care how I organized it. So, I briefly explained where everything was and she was fine with it. Woohoo. I just hope it stays organized for as long as I'm still living here.

Another thing I like doing? Cleaning mirrors and windows. Simply because I love the smell of Windex/window cleaner. I don't really know why, I just think it smells really good. So, I like to clean with it because I like the smell. I usually HATE the smell of cleaning products. Bleach doesn't bother me too much but most other ones? Ick. I hate the Pine cleaner the most. The way that stuff smells makes me want to gag.

I like doing laundry until the folding part comes along. I seriously can't stress enough how misleading The Jetsons were about the future. Where's Rosie? I want a sweet little robot in a maid's outfit rolling around, doing my laundry for me. We're totally supposed to have this by now. Get with it, technology. ;) Since I only have to do mine and the boyfriend's laundry, I don't mind so much. I just have the habit of waiting until I'm running low on clothes to actually do laundry. I always look at the hamper as it starts to fill up and think, "I need to do some laundry" but then I always talk myself out of it because I've still got cleans stuff to wear. One day, I'll learn to make it easier on myself and do a couple small loads every few days instead of waiting over a week to do laundry and then having to spend all day doing it.

Anyway, enough of the cleaning and laundry talk. If you actually read all of that, WHYYY? Isn't it boring enough just thinking about that stuff? Lol. (Thanks if you read it, btw, lol.)

I found out a job I interviewed with is hiring again for the same position I had applied for. They have a small amount of staff and only have one person for the shift that they have up for grabs which is the same one I had applied and interviewed for. I got two interviews for it but they ended up picking someone else instead. Now, a month later, they're hiring again. Great job picking there. Anyway, I figured why the fuck not and applied again. I got a call from the manager Monday but for some reason, she called the home phone. I didn't get the message until hours later so I didn't get to call back since they were closed by the time I got the message. Whatever, I don't care. Maybe she'll fucking hire me this time. That would be awesome. I'm sick of not working. Also tired of going through the interview process. I've been on SO many interviews and a lot of second interviews and all for a lot of nothing so far. I'm also sick of being home all of the time. I hate not working honestly. I feel so lazy and useless. Not to mention being broke just sucks. Anyway, I called back today and it just so happens that Tuesday is her day off. So, I'll call back tomorrow and hope something good comes of it. I need something to work out so I can stop being so stressed and worried over stuff. I'm not normally a worrier or a stresser so this being worried and stressed a lot is new to me. I have to say, I don't much care for it, lol. :)

I just felt like rambling about boring stuff today. Mostly because I haven't been getting much sleep (less than the 4-5 hours a night I usually get, lol) lately so my brain is like dead. Or revolting against me. Though, I blame it for the lack of sleep. So maybe it's revolting against itself? Yeah, anyway.... :)

Do you know why a raven is like a writing desk?

Happy Tuesday!

Comments?

Questions, rambling, lol...

In a perfect world, what 7 foods would you make completely healthy but they would still taste just as good as they do now?
Pizza, ice cream, fried chicken, cupcakes, spaghetti, waffles and Chipotle burritos.


If the Dallas Stars moved away to another state or city, would you still be loyal to them?
Yes but I'd be pissed. I'd be sad about not getting to go to Stars games any more, too. That would suck. Luckily the AAC and the Stars have an agreement that prevents the Stars from leaving Dallas.


If someone paid you one million tax free dollars, would you openly cheer against the Stars during a game while attending said game?
Uh... possibly. That's a lot of money and I'm broke as hell. And seriously, that's a lot of money. I'd probably agree to do it for the money and then forget about it, lol. Can I cheer against certain players on my team that I dislike instead? :D

Those 3 questions were posed to me by a reader. She asked if I would answer them on my blog instead of just replying to her e-mail. I said sure so there you are. :)


I love being able to see my blog stats and see some of the odd things people Google that some how put them on my blog. :D I wonder how disappointed they are sometimes when they find a boring blog that has nothing to do with their search, though. :)


One of my friends was going to attempt to burn me copies of her P90X DVDs and mail them to me. (She moved 7 hours away from Dallas so going over to them or do the work outs with her is not feasible.) Then she found out the burner she has doesn't burn DVDs. It also doesn't burn music either. Apparently spilling orange soda on electronics ruins them. Who would have thought that? :p (She spilled a soda on it a month ago, cleaned it off on the surface with a towel and assumed it would be fine. Aye.)


I don't get why people get free things and then complain about the quality of said items. You buy cheap stuff, you get a cheap product more often than not. Hence the whole 'you get what you pay for' thing. So, when people get free items and then bitch about them being poor quality or not up to their standards... duh? You want a better product, go buy the better product. Stores don't often give out expensive, well made stuff so if you're going somewhere because the first 200 people are getting someone free? Don't expect champagne when a bulk package of kool-aid mix is cheaper. They're using the free product to try and get you in to buy stuff. They know most people are just coming for the free stuff. They're not going to be out a lot of money on an expensive product when they won't make the profit back let alone break even. It's simple. Just sayin'.


The NHL Awards were last night. See, I watch award shows! At least that one, anyway. I just can't care about entertainment awards since I don't like most mainstream music or television and I hardly see movies and just don't care about pop culture in general. I digress. This was one of the funniest part of the show. The skit with the Anaheim Ducks players, even though I dislike the Ducks quite a lot as a general rule. This shit is funny as hell. Though, I can't guarantee a non-hockey fan will find it as funny. You never know, lol.

Bobby Ryan vs. Ryan Getzlaf.

Happy Thursday!

Leave a comment, please? :)

Picture show! & other stuff...

My birthday is in 4 more days. :) Hooray for turning 25 and insurance rates lowering a few bucks. Lol.

I was on Twitter and decided there were a couple people I wanted to go unfollow because they just cause a bunch of drama and start petty bullshit. I enjoy their blog posts but following them on Twitter? Not so much. So I got started and ended up finding more people to unfollow. I had 5 in mind and ended up unfollowing 83 people, lol. I doubt most of them will notice and I don't particularly care one way or another. I'm just happy to clean my timeline up a little bit. :)

My hair has gotten so long! I usually keep it shoulder length or a bit shorter. It's several inches below my shoulders now. I like it but with this heat and the lack of air conditioning, it's driving me crazy and I'm thinking I'll take a pair of scissors to it sooner or later. Probably sooner. Just to trim a few inches off of it. Even though I trimmed a couple inches off just a couple weeks ago. This picture is after I trimmed it up. Click it to big it.



I was waiting for my job interview to start on Wednesday and noticed this sign hanging.



I just giggled and had to snap a picture of it and share. I love things that are suggestive without being necessarily dirty. I posted it to my Twitter account and was amused by how amused some people were by it. The sign was hanging above to hallway that leads back to the restrooms. Which amused me more.

Now to share some stuff I posted on my Tumblr, because there are some awesome pictures on there but not many people check it out. :) I didn't take these pictures. I just find them and post them. Unless I say otherwise, it's not my photography on there. Just stuff I like or like the looks of. ;)

Ducks are one of my favorite animals. This Mandarin duck is SO FUCKING PRETTY.




This one is from a beach in California. I love the beach and the ocean. I found this picture particularly striking but I'm not sure why.



Next? The Chicago Blackhawks beat the Philadelphia Flyers Wednesday night to win the Stanley Cup. They're the champions this year so congratulations to them. This picture? Some celebrating going on with Toews and Kane.



And since I posted some hockey players, I'll finish the picture show with a picture of the design of a t-shirt I so want. I hope this store still has these for a long time because once I am working again and have the money to spend, I want to buy this shirt.



There are some awesome hockey related shirts on this website. I posted more of the designs I really liked on my Tumblr. Actually, I want so many of them but that one? One of my favorites. LOL xD

Happy Friday!

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