Death and Life

June is an odd month for me. There's a lot to celebrate as it's one of my younger brother's birthday month, my birthday month, my boyfriend and his sister's birthday month and Father's Day. There's a lot of joy in there but then there are things that were life changing events that make it a harder month to get through emotionally and mentally.

June 9th is one of my younger brother's birthday. It also unfortunately is the day our grandfather passed away. Yesterday was the 4th year since he passed and my brother's 29th birthday. 

The last several years of my brother's life, I've always felt a little guilty because I want my brother to have an amazing day on his birthday, as people should. But I also still get so sad on that day because I miss my grandfather a lot. And I know it's something that weighs on him as well and that sucks. I also understand how much it sucks to lose someone you care for on a day that's supposed to be a damn good one to celebrate life and love and the people in your life. I digress. 

I was lucky to have someone so great that's worth missing so much be such a big part of my life because not everyone's fortunate to have a pair of kick ass grandparents. At the same time, it makes it hurt that much more because losing someone you have a close relationship with sucks. Even if you're a little happy to see them go because you know their pain and suffering is now over and who doesn't want that for a person they love?

Last year on June 13th, my friend Amanda committed suicide. June 15th is my birthday and that also happens to be the day we found out that she had committed suicide. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. In part, because it's hard not to think about it considering my birthday celebration last year ended with me laying in bed only to find she'd been found dead in her ex's kitchen shortly after I'd laid down. Also because it's coming up on that one year and people have been posting things to her Facebook wall. Poems, art, random thoughts, prayers and various other things. All things she'll never see or read but things that make the person posting them feel connected still, in some way. Or maybe it just makes them feel better in another way. I don't judge because I can't bring myself to delete messages from her and can't remove her from my Facebook feed even though I'll never be able to talk to her again. 

Her death was, in several ways, harder to deal with. My grandfather had Alzheimer's (which is what got me into doing the Alzheimer's Walks and fundraising for the Alz Association) and he was sick for quite a while before he finally couldn't fight anymore. Amanda, I didn't see that coming because you rarely ever see suicide coming. I had plans to see her and hang out the following weekend. I went to her funeral that day instead, which wasn't the way I wanted to spend time with her.

It wasn't the first friend I'd lost like this but it's not something that gets easier. It's hard and you go through so many emotions. I still occasionally get so goddamn mad at her for being gone and then a few minutes later I'm crying because I just miss her and wish I could split fajitas and some margaritas. I know it won't be as bad this year as it was last year, though. I won't be shocked and devastated because she's already gone. And as hard as it is to cope with death, it does get easier the more time passes by.

My grandfather's death was the first death I'd gone through that was someone I was truly close to. I feel guilty saying that because I'd lost other friends and relatives that I honestly didn't know that well before him. Those deaths sucked in different ways but his was the first one that was heartbreaking and devastating for me. I kept having people telling me it would get easier the more time that went by and after that first year, I really understood that nothing would be as awful as the first year of adjusting to the fact that he was gone. There were so many things that I didn't realize would hurt that did. Not needing birthday cards or father's day cards for him anymore. Not needing to buy a present for him at the holidays. Addressing Christmas cards solely to my grandmother and not to both of them. Changing the name in my cell phone from "Grandpa & Grandma" to just "Grandma." Watching a basketball game and remembering the reason I even like watching basketball is because I used to watch it with him and got into it because of him. Tons of little things that never even crossed my mind but felt like punches right to the gut. Now, after several years, moments like that happen few and very far in between.

With both of them, I think I thought it would stop hurting much more immediately than it did despite really knowing better. Maybe I naively hoped I could get passed it and be okay faster than I really did.  Like it couldn't possibly keep being painful year after X amount of time because at some point, you're obviously going to realize you've cried all your tears and had all of your sad moments. Then you could just think fondly of them and remember happy times and feel gratitude at the time you had with them and nothing will hurt anymore because it's been long enough. That's a really nice thought but it's not realistic and that realization sucks. There isn't a "long enough" and another realization that this one brought on is that that's okay, too. It's okay to cry and miss them and hurt. As long as you're not dwelling there and do remember all the good, it's okay to not be okay after you lose someone you love. It's okay to not be okay sometimes even after it's been a while. There's no time limit and no reason to feel guilty or ashamed over how you feel.

I miss her.

It's been 5 months since my friend's suicide.

Tomorrow would be her 30th birthday so I've been thinking about her a lot the last few days. There won't ever be a Whirlyball party or a super nerdy Cosplay party or any other event or conversation again. No baking her any birthday cupcakes. No card. Nothing. No goofy banter. No random talks. No weird little messages. Just nothing. The random conversations and dumb little jokes is what I miss the most.

I miss her sassy little smile and her wit and the weird things we used to joke about. I haven't been bothered by it much lately but significant dates and events of deceased loved ones are always tough. Especially the first ones you go through after they're gone. And then I think about how awful her family must feel, how much they must be hurting with her being gone and I feel terrible for them. I know how I feel and can't even fathom how they must feel. I haven't deleted my friend from my facebook yet so I've seen every time a family member posts how much they miss her. It was one of them posting something this evening about her birthday coming up tomorrow that set me off tonight.

I feel like I should be fine by now, that I should be passed the tears and the hurt. And mostly I am but there's still some part of me that hurts so much when I think about or am reminded of her. Though it doesn't happen every time. Sometimes I will see or hear something that reminds me of her and I just smile. When it hurts though, it's this raw space that feels like a wound that just won't heal. Then I go through all the emotions again. Crying because I'm sad and miss her. Angry because she would still be here if she hadn't pulled a trigger. Guilty for getting angry because I so completely understand that mental illness is a bitch. Then I'm sad again and overwhelmed because it's so much to feel and it always rushes over you quickly. Like a sucker punch that hits you hard in multiple places simultaneously.

Suicide is hard. If it's something you humor the idea of or think about at all, please reach out and get help. You might feel like no one cares but if you're gone, you'll leave behind people like me. People that will miss you more than you might think possible. People that will cry for you. People that will be left with memories and pictures. People that will wish they could hug you and laugh with you and plan with you and celebrate birthdays with you and have the dumbest most pointless conversations in the world with you. People that will wish they could say things to you that they didn't get to say because they didn't realize that last time was their last chance. People that will feel pain so raw and so deep that it will reduce them to a sobbing aching mess sometimes.

No matter how alone you feel or how much you're hurting, it can get better. Not even just for those people that you'll be leaving behind but for yourself. You're worth it and you're not beyond fixing. You aren't broken. You aren't ruined. There's no shame in not being able to overcome things on your own. We all need help sometimes and that's nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of.

And as I've stated in previous posts, that's said as someone who has been there and someone that still struggles sometimes.

If you're struggling in any way, talk to someone. That first step, that decision to reach out for help and making yourself do it is the scariest part. Talk to a teacher, a friend, a coworker, a parent, a sibling, an aunt, your partner, a professional, anyone you feel safe and comfortable talking to. You can email me if you can't or don't want to talk to someone you know. Call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) and talk to them. If you'd rather chat online, 7 Cups Of Tea is a free, confidential online one-on-one or group chat with a real people there to listen and help you.

It can get better.

It Can Get Better....

**Trigger warning: suicide**

My mom's birthday was yesterday. I realized last night that I had several more people to get birthday cards for in the next few months. My sister's birthday is next month, my dad's is in December, my youngest brother's is in January and I have a small handful of friends and a couple coworkers all with birthdays coming up in the next few months. I got the clever idea that I should make a quick list so as not to forget anyone and then go buy all the cards I need for the next few months all at once so I don't have to run to the store in the name of birthday cards nine times over the next few months. I also wouldn't have to worry about having to run out last minute in case I ended up losing track of the days and then remembering, "hey I need to send so-and-so a card because they're birthday is two days away!"

So I got my list together, double checked to make sure I wasn't forgetting anyone I planned on sending one to and then set off to get what I needed.

I love sending cards and letters. I'm one of those weird people that still enjoys hand writing out letters and thank you notes and sending them off in the mail. I almost always write an extra little note inside of cards I send because there's almost always something missing that I want said in whatever card I find. 

Sometimes, I hate looking through cards, though. Sometimes, I'm looking through cards looking for a specific one. In this instance, the birthday card for my sister. Then it springs to mind that, hey, Amanda's birthday is the same day as my sisters is! I think for a second I need to get her one too and then I remember that no, no I don't need to get her one because she's been dead since she killed herself this passed June. And then I'm standing in Hallmark with tears rushing down my face while I stand in front of a row of cards that I can't really see anymore. I'm sad and I'm crying and I'm trying to stop and I feel so grateful I have on a hat that covers half of my face and relieved the ladies in that store leave you alone unless you need their help and angry at myself for breaking down in public and sad again all because I can't buy my friend a birthday card because she's gone. 

So I leave without getting anything because I can't stop crying and I don't like to cry in public. I don't like to cry in front of people I know. Mostly I don't want to make a scene and don't want to explain to strangers why I'm standing in Hallmark with tears rushing down my face and I needed quiet and solitude to get myself calmed down again. So I sit in my car for 10 minutes. I think about just driving the four minutes back to my apartment but I'm stubborn and want to get what I came out for. I feel like I'm letting myself down if I go home, letting my emotions and anxieties chase me back home without completing a task. I don't want to let these things rule me, so I don't. I'm fine. So, I let myself finish crying until it doesn't feel like there's a gaping hole in the my stomach. I open my door and splash my face with water from a bottled water I had with me. I turn on some loud rock music and I take some long, deep, calming breaths and then I'm fine again. I go back in, get an odd look from the lady at the counter and I smile and she does a strange little head bow and smiles at me as I get back to buying cards. 

Suicide is hard. Death is hard enough on it's own but suicide makes something hard and makes it even harder to cope with. You're in denial because no, no, no, my friend/loved one is fine and would never do that. Even if they weren't fine, this can't be right because they wouldn't kill themselves. They have friends, they have families, they seem happy and content with life. Or they're struggling but they have family and friends and people that care about them, people that love them, people that would do anything within their power to move the whole fucking Earth to make things better or at least more bearable. There's no way they would do that. You'd know, you'd be able to tell, right? Right? Wrong. 

You wonder why they would've done this. You don't understand. Amanda didn't leave any kind of note explaining anything. From what I've come to understand, most whom commit suicide don't leave any kind of thought out note explaining or saying goodbye. The hardest part with reaching acceptance of their death is accepting that you'll just have to accept that they're gone without understanding why they took their life.

I cried a lot in June after Amanda's death. News of her suicide came just a few hours after I'd gotten home from celebrating my birthday and Father's Day with my family and boyfriend. I was having a party the following weekend that she was going to attend. I struggled a lot the first few weeks. Then I cried less. Then I didn't cry at all. Then the realization I wouldn't need to buy her a birthday card and wouldn't have to worry about getting her a gift for the awesome birthday party that was planned months in advance was the first time I'd cried over her death since the first week in September.

I don't know if she thought death would be easier. I don't know if she couldn't bear the thought of living life anymore after the events that lead up to her taking her life. I don't know if she was thinking her kids would be better off. I don't know if she just panicked. I don't know if thought and planning went into it. I don't know if she was just that depressed. I don't know if any of the things that I've turned over in my head after her death were thoughts she had or not. 

I do know that suicide isn't the answer. I'm not just speaking as someone that has lost someone to suicide, or someone that has lost two people she cared deeply for to suicide but also as someone who has thought about it and fought through depression more than once. 

I stood on a bridge once when I was 17 and thought about climbing the rails and jumping. I stood there, running my hands over the cold metal and looking down into the waters below me and thought I could just climb over, jump and nothing would hurt anymore. I've always loved bodies of water; they're calming to me. I leaned over the railing, listening to waves crashing and water churning and I felt like pushing myself over it and letting myself drown would be the most fitting way for me to go. I remember thinking it like it was the most logical thing in the world because at the time, I was a mess and just didn't want to live anymore. I was about to climb the rail when a cop car pulled up and the officer got out slowly, calling out to me. I remember how slowly he approached me, how soothing he sounded and how angry I instantly became because I knew he was ruining everything for me. It was late at night and he was curious why a young girl was out so late, by herself, hanging out on the bridge. I knew he knew what I was thinking of doing and he stood there with me, asking me if my family knew where I was at this hour. He made a few jokes and told me I needed to get on home. He followed me as I left. He followed me and made sure I actually went back home. I cried myself to sleep that night because I was so angry and sad and hurt. I cried until I couldn't breath anymore, my face buried in a pillow, my fists clenched and punching the mattress. 

I decided then I couldn't commit suicide. Not because I suddenly wanted to live but because I couldn't do that to my family. I couldn't hurt them that way and I resented them for that. So, my depression got worse, I started drinking more and doing drugs a lot more. I smoked weed and took Xanax I got from a coworker as often as I could. I moved out and moved in with a friend who was a drug addict himself. We had neighbors who were big partiers. I did more drugs. I drank way more. I didn't want to kill myself anymore because I spent so much time high so I wouldn't hurt anymore. Until I came down, felt worse and wanted to die all over again. It was the worst cycle in the world.

I contemplated suicide occasionally still but then I'd just get high or take a few drinks from a bottle and I'd feel "better" again and then I wouldn't think about how I wanted to die anymore. Then one day, I met this guy. He was waiting in an office with me to do a job interview and I remember we were sitting there together, not saying much at all, then he suddenly looked at me and asked, "so why are you so sad?" I remember blinking at this guy a half dozen times trying to figure out what his deal was. He shrugged and said, "I'm a mess, I guess I recognize it in others." I just shrugged. Then this guy starts telling me that he applied for this job because he was starting over. He told me he had been really depressed and had tried to kill himself. He told me he had tried to jump off of a bridge but had figured it wrong and ended up landing wrong, breaking both of his legs instead. He was recovered and it would be the first job he'd had in a while because of that. He waited for me to talk. I just stared at him, goosebumps on my skin, not really capable of saying anything even if I had wanted to. This kid jumped from the same bridge I had only months ago contemplated hurling myself over. I've never believed in coincidences but I couldn't figure this out. We both ended up getting hired and we started working together a week later. He only worked there for six weeks but in that six weeks, he talked to me a lot about suicide and depression. It took me about a month to realize I didn't really want to die anymore. Not just because I didn't want to hurt my family but for a ton of other reasons. I don't even remember his name. I wish I could because I wish I could tell him thank you for saving me from myself. It sounds cliche but I was planning on trying again. I was trying to figure out ways I could do something to where it seemed like an accident and not suicide. My family would still be hurt but it wouldn't be as bad as losing someone to suicide. In the weeks I worked with that guy, he spent a lot of time talking at me, even though I often didn't say anything back to him at all. Then one night, I remember getting high with my then boyfriend and then sobbing into his shirt because I didn't want to die. I remember telling him everything and all he did was hold me while I ugly sobbed and came undone. I stopped thinking I'd be better off dead. Unfortunately it took quite a while longer to stop using drugs to get me through the day. It took years before I stopped abusing substances to make myself feel "better" but I got there, eventually. 

That was the first period of my life where I very seriously considered suicide a viable option and unfortunately, it wasn't the last. However, I'm still here and suicide is not something I entertain the idea of anymore. Currently, I'm struggling with issues that I'm not really ready to openly talk about here yet. I'm not ashamed of them and I'm not too scared to discuss them. I'm just not ready to put it all out there. I feel like when I understand it all better, I'll be more willing to discuss it in a more open venue.

Some days I think about the periods in my life where I thought I should just kill myself and I'd like to punch that silly girl. I'd also like to hug her and let her know how much strength she really had despite how pathetic and weak she thought she was. 

It can get better. Some days, it will suck. Some days, it feels like everything is wrong. Like nothing you do is right. Like nothing is moving forward in a better direction. Those days happen and you can't beat yourself up over them. You can't get stuck in those days.

No matter how alone you feel or how much you feel like absolutely no one in the world could possibly care or understand what you're going through, you are not alone. There are people out there who will understand or at least try to understand. There are people out there who will offer you empathy and support because they genuinely want you to feel better. Those people could be friends, family members, professional health care workers, a trusted co-worker, someone in an online support group or a stranger on the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Hell, you can email me and I'll talk to you. Just talk to someone. Suffering in silence doesn't help. You deserve better than that. You're worth more than that. 

Getting help doesn't make you weak. You don't have to be ashamed or afraid. You're not wrong. You're not broken. You're not beyond repair. Your mental illness and issues do not define who you are as a person. Whatever you're facing, it can get better.

Cartoons don't make you gay, Alzheimer's, water balloons, Rainbow Dash & more.

Co-worker: "Does it make me gay that I like watching that Powerpuff Girls cartoon?"

Me: "Are you gay?"

Co-worker: "Nope."

Me: "Then no because the only thing that makes you gay is fucking being gay. Not a cartoon. Not a band. Not a style of dress. Not the way you might want to do your hair. Not something you saw on tv. Not a love for musicals. Not any other stereotypical thing you can think of. Not even a gay man giving you a high five and passing it on. Nothing will turn you gay."

This lead to a rather short debate followed by my co-worker stomping off calling me a "fucking poophead" because he's 26 and that's just the way an adult should behave.

Also, the whole thinking that if a masculine human likes something perceived as being girlie that makes them some degree of gay? Drives me insane but that's another rant for another day.
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Just because I don't want children doesn't mean I hate children. I don't think you should ship yours off to Siberia. I won't stop hanging out with you if you have kids. I'm not judging you negatively for having children and I'd never go off on a rant to a parent about the benefits of not having children. So why so many people with kids feel a need to get defensive and tell me why my decision and feelings on the subject are all wrong just because they don't agree or understand, I will never fully comprehend. It's nothing personal against you or your kids so cool it.

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I told one person at work that I dig My Little Pony. Anyone that knows me really shouldn't be too surprised by that honestly. So for my birthday (one month ago today) several of my co-workers got me various MLP toys. Which didn't suck because most of it was Rainbow Dash and of course, that's my favorite little pony. Brave, bold, loyal, tomboyish, goofy and kind hearted with a pet tortoise and badass rainbow mane? Heck yeah.

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I love going to festivals but why must there be so many in July and August that I want to go to? Festivals are more fun when it's not 103 degrees or more and humid on top of it. It's a scientific fact. Well, not really. It's more like common sense that you'll have more fun at an outdoor event if you're not worried about dying or melting or heat stroke or walking around in a puddle of sweat. Damn you, Texas. (Love you anyway.)

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I'm doing the Walk To End Alzheimer's again this year. If you feel so inclined and would like to support me in the walk with a donation, my page is here. Even $5 helps and the money goes toward Alzheimer's care, support and research.

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I'm having a water balloon fight on Saturday in the park with some friends. We're going to play baseball first then have the water balloon fight. Another friend not involved with this said he felt like my life mantra must be, "growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional." I don't have this "life mantra" that he speaks of but if I ever did, that one seems pretty fitting. Or that was his passive aggressive way of calling me immature. I'm fine with it either way. ;)

Happy Tuesday!

I just need to get this out.

Sometimes you find yourself in a bad place without realizing immediately how you got there. Which seems like a weird thing for a moderately self-aware person. Shouldn't you realize that you're on a decline? That you're slipping further away from the people and things that make your life a bearable and better place? Maybe it should be easier to see but that's not the way it always is. Sometimes people are really good at hiding it. Sometimes people don't even realize it's happening until they're at the bottom looking up, perplexed at how they didn't notice they were sliding downward before then. 

Three weeks ago, my friend Amanda was involved in a murder/suicide. In light of that, I learned a month prior she had tried to commit suicide. I knew she was struggling and I knew she wasn't in a good place. I didn't know how bad it was. I didn't know the depth of the negative emotions she was feeling. As someone who has been in a bad place more than a couple times, I never hesitate to ask if someone is okay when I notice something is amiss. You can't do more than ask and offer support. You can't push someone to let you help them when they just smile and tell you they'll be fine, they're just stressed from XYZ. That life isn't great but they're okay. They promise they're okay. They'll promise if they really need someone, they'll reach out to you. It's an incredibly frustrating feeling to watch someone you care about be in pain, physically or emotionally, and not be able to help them through it. All you can do is trust that when they say they'll reach out if they truly need it, that they will. And you can hope they mean it and feel a little better as they smile at you and thank you and promise you they won't suffer in silence. You can let a little of the uneasiness go as they put an arm around your shoulder or hug you and you can feel a little more secure that everything is going to be okay.

I'll never know why my friend did what she did and I'll never know why her ex did the things he did. I've refused to speculate about any of the "maybes" and "what ifs" because I wasn't there and couldn't possibly know what happened. The only thing I know for certain is what the ultimate outcome was and that's that two people died senselessly and needlessly leaving behind a lot of confusion, sorrow, anger and pain for their loved ones to deal with. 

I could barely get through that first week without crying every time I thought of her. I couldn't avoid learning some of the specific details of it so I had nightmares of my friend laying in a pool of her own blood with her big eyes staring lifelessly into nothing several times. I cried for the two young kids she left behind. I cried for her family for the raw agony they displayed. I cried until my body hurt because it hurt and because I was confused and angry. 

My boyfriend and I had a joint birthday party the week after she died. We went to her funeral the morning of the party and I was a wreck. She was supposed to attend the party that night and yet there I was, sitting in a church, looking at pictures of her cycle through on a wall. Pictures of her and her kids. Pictures of her looking so happy. Doing things she loved doing. Being the kind-hearted person she was. Being the girl I met at a mutual friend's party years and got along with immediately. The first time I met her we spent the rest of the time there hanging out, laughing and joking like we'd seen each other many times before. I don't often connect with people like that and it didn't matter how much time went by between times of seeing each other, it was always like we'd just seen each other last week. I remember sitting there watching pictures and notes scroll by on the wall and wanting to cry because I was supposed to see her later that night, not see pictures of her and mourn her death. 

The first hour or so of the party that night, I felt like I was just going through motions and not really in it at all. One of my friends came in, came into the kitchen and hugged me so tightly for much longer than he normally does and I almost lost it then. He said, "I know this sucks and I know you're sad but everyone here is happy to see you and happy to be spending time with you and would do anything to stop you from hurting if they could. That's got to make you feel a little better." He was right and then I did cry a little because him saying that brought the warmest feeling I'd felt all week. I decided then not to let my pain and grief run things but there were a few times where I'd look around the apartment full of talking, smiling, laughing people and I wished so hard that she'd walk in and I'd realize it was all just a bad dream. Of course, that's completely unrealistic and I knew that even as I was thinking it but it's hard not to wish things like that when you're dealing with the death of someone you cared about.

I know better than to feel guilt and blame myself in situations like this. I had a good friend commit suicide years ago when I lived in California. I felt a lot of guilt over that at first but I realized placing blame on myself for someone else's actions was just bad for me. It didn't bring them back and it only added to all the negative feelings I already felt. I've learned that you can't blame the things you didn't do or blame yourself in any way in situations like this. A friend of a mutual friend went on a tirade about how we were all the blame for her death because none of us did enough. He didn't share my feelings on blame and that made me sad for him. It's easy to look at something after the fact and find ways where you could have done more but who's to say that one more time would have been the time that made the difference? You have no way of knowing one way or another. You're only hurting yourself even more during a time where you're already hurting enough without rubbing salt in your own wounds.

I wish she would have said more. I wish I had known she had tried to kill herself a month prior to the murder/suicide happening. I understand why her family kept that private and understand why she wouldn't have told anyone about it. I wish she wouldn't have stayed in an abusive relationship for so long before finally deciding to leave. I wish she would have asked me or anyone else for help. I wish she could have found the peace she was always searching for. I wish a lot of things had been different because then maybe my friend and her ex would both still be alive but I don't blame myself in any way.

You can offer to help someone all you want but that doesn't mean they'll ever take it. You can care and worry until it hurts, until it wears on you physically and mentally, you can do everything in your power but you can't make a person let you in or accept that they can't do it on their own. Sometimes, they will. Sometimes, you'll offer and they'll let down their defenses. They'll open up and let you see that raw vulnerability and you'll be there as they travel back up. It'll be hard and it'll hurt but they'll get there.

Sometimes, they won't ever do anything they say they will because even when it's being offered, sometimes it's just too hard to accept the help people are offering. It's such a silly notion because on paper it seems so easy. You're struggling and slipping further into a darkness that's stealing away the light from your life. People notice and offer you the help you need because you're losing the fight on your own and having another person or two or four to help you through it would make things easier. So you ask for help and those people do what they can to offer their support and do whatever they need for you. It's different than people who suffer on in silence without no one noticing and not being able to say anything on your own. You've got people noticing and you've admitted things suck a little and you're not dealing with it well. On paper, it's easy. On paper, it's so black and white and simple that it makes no sense for this to fail.

Mental illness isn't just black and white and simple. It's not neat and easy. It's one thing to know people are there for you but to be able to reach out and admit that you're really not okay and don't think you can make it back up on your own? It's hard. So hard. There are so many reasons why someone might not reach out when help is being offered to them. It's easy for people to say, "here, just tell me what's wrong and we'll fix it!" when they're not the person sitting there trying to figure out what's wrong and feeling like there's something deeply wrong with them for feeling the way they do. It's hard to ask for help when you feel so broken and wrong that you feel like nothing anyone could possibly say or do would ever make you feel any better. It's hard to see that things could get better when they're bad. Especially if it's been bad for so long. Sometimes you think you should be able to fix your own problems and assume that if you can't even figure out how to fix yourself, no one else will either. Sometimes you don't want to admit to anyone else how bad you really feel. It's tough to open yourself up that way and to be that vulnerable to other people. What if they react poorly? Maybe they'll judge or laugh? Maybe they'll brush it off because maybe it's really not as bad as it seems? What if they treat me differently? What if they think I'm lying? Maybe they'll be indifferent? What if they don't care as much as I thought they would? What if they can't help me? Maybe they'll think I'm just crazy?

So many things keep people from reaching out. It's hard to see that there's any light left when you're so far down. No matter how many people tell you they're there for you, it's not always easy to believe them and not always easy to let go and ask for help. You know that even if you can't open yourself up to friends and family members, there are hotlines and professionals you can reach out to for help.Sometimes even reaching out to a stranger is terrifying. Admitting there's something wrong and admitting you might need help to yourself is one of the hardest things to do. Reaching out to get that help no matter who you're thinking about reaching out to is tough and scary as hell. A lot of people don't realize how much strength and courage it takes for a lot of people to speak up, to say something is wrong, to admit to themselves and others that they need help.

There's still such a stigma deeply rooted here and that alone makes it even harder for so many to seek out help. If I could, I'd help everyone see that it's never too late for them. It sounds so cliche but it's true. As long as you're living and breathing, it's not too late to say something. It's not too late to get help and get back to a better place. It might take a while and it will be hard and it will hurt and it will suck for a while more but it can get better. It will get better.

 I miss her and it still hurts. I wish she would've felt like she had another option. That things could have gotten better. That it wasn't too late. It doesn't always work that way, unfortunately. Sometimes, mental illness wins out and it's crushing. I know she'll never see this but I'm not really writing it for her. I talked to the boyfriend a little about how I was feeling but I didn't talk much. Talking about the way I'm feeling isn't easy for me. Writing my feelings has always been a hundred times easier than speaking them, even if it's someone I trust and love, it's hard to verbalize my emotions and the way I'm feeling. I've written some in a pen and paper journal but I wanted to blog about mental illness again and this all just kind of spilled out in the process. I thought about deleting a lot of this but I figure, if it spilled out, I needed to get it out, so I'll leave it as is. I'll always miss her and it'll probably always hurt a little bit in that aching kind of way that hits you when you think of someone you've lost but that's just a part of living life.

Death and the ugly side of curiosity.

On June 15th, long after I got home from celebrating my birthday and Father's Day with my family, I was laying in bed thinking about what time I needed to be up in the morning. My boyfriend walked in with his phone clutched in his hands and it was one of those moments you just knew something wasn't right. I asked what was wrong and he just handed me his phone and laid down next to me wrapping an arm around me. I read the words on the screen but I couldn't make sense of them. So I read them again. And then a third time. Then I read the names three more times because I was in shock. My friend and her ex had been found dead in what had been the home they shared together up until a few weeks ago when she had begun moving out.

I sat there staring at the words on the screen trying to make sense of it. It was Sunday night. She had been fine Friday. We were having a party on the 21st that she was coming to and was excited about. Instead, my Saturday started by going to her memorial service. That wasn't the way I was supposed to see her that day but that's how it worked out.

Her death made the local news. I went into work the morning after I found out and told my boss what happened so he would understand the mood I was in. He offered to let me go back home and have the morning off. I declined. I needed the distraction and needed to keep focused on something else. Anything else. My co-workers there that day found out from my boss and were supportive and respectful.

As the days passed and a few more details emerged, some of my co-workers and acquaintances decided to start speculating about what may have happened. The death was a murder-suicide so there are so many things left unanswered and unknown. I know people like to talk and speculate about things like this so I avoided news stories and tons of things posted on Facebook and Twitter. I asked my co-workers not to talk about it in front of me.

I learned a new lesson about death. One of the worst things about a friend's death getting media coverage is so many people want to talk to you about it. They'll give you space at first but then they'll get curious and they'll want to talk to you. Because you knew them and maybe you know something that's not mentioned. They'll offer their opinion on what they think happened, an opinion that's based on nothing. Or worse they'll try to pry details out of you like you're just a vault of secrets. Most don't even care that you're hurting, that you're grieving. Their own curiosity is more important than how you're feeling. Some will even get annoyed when you refuse to discuss it. How dare you put your pain ahead of their curiosity! The story was on the news and in the paper so how could I not want to discuss every tantalizing detail?

To them, it's a news story and they're emotionally detached from it. It's something to solve and try to figure out. It's interesting despite the circumstances being unpleasant. So they ask questions and offer scenarios and opinions and want to discuss the whole ordeal with you because you have a better grasp of things and more knowledge of what's going on. It's not because they care, it's just human nature to be curious. Discussing the details and listening to speculation is really the last thing I want to do. To me, I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm confused. I feel lost. I'm aching to understand, to make some form of sense of why this happened not because I'm curious but because if I could just understand, I could cope better. I'll never know more than I know now. I'll never know how things played out and I'll never know why this happened. It's crushing in a way that sudden deaths usually are. I don't find the mystery of all the unknowns interesting; I find them heartbreaking and feel them like heavy rocks weighing me down.

I've had countless people attempt to pry for more details after I've said I don't want to discuss what was on the news. I've had many more offer opinions that I didn't ask for despite me saying I didn't want to discuss it. I've had people try to tell me how I'm supposed to feel and think about my friend because they saw the story.

I understand curiosity, I really do. I'm a very curious person myself. However, I also understand being a decent, respectful human being and understand putting a person's feelings ahead of my own. I've been on the other side of a situation similar to this. Prying and offering speculation to a person directly affected never even crossed my mind. Support was all that I offered because I wanted to help, not do something to make things worse or make them feel worse than they already did. Explaining that concept to people has been exhausting. And it's mostly co-workers, acquaintances and friends of friends. It baffles me that someone would be annoyed or angered by a grieving person not wanting to discuss or speculate about the death of someone they cared about. It's confusing and enraging that a few have even acted like I owe it to them to discuss it.

Unexpected death is hard enough to deal with without having to deal with people you know and others you hardly know pushing you for details and/or offering their opinions on the situation because they saw this here and read that there and that lead them to this conclusion because. I appreciate everyone that's offered their support and respected my wishes to not discuss things. I appreciate that so much more now than I did a week ago because so many people just don't understand or don't care enough not to pry and push.

It's not hard to be decent and respectful. It's not hard to think of how someone else is feeling in a situation where they've lost someone they cared for unexpectedly. Especially when they're telling you how they're feeling and telling you that you're overstepping. It's not difficult to be kind and put their pain ahead of your own desire to feed your curiosity, your desire to know. At least it shouldn't be.

Rambling and ranting...

I learned to do laundry at 13. No matter how long I've done it and no matter many times I've done it, once in a while, I'm going to forget to put in the detergent or the fabric softener. Although, I never forget both. It's either one or the other. Which doesn't make sense because you'd think doing one would just have me doing the other out of habit but nope, not always.


I finally started getting the toys for tots post together from December. Not having a computer up until a week ago made getting it done pretty difficult. Though most who donated have seen all the pictures via email or Facebook already but I still want to get the post up on Monday. I learned from attempting to do that via my phone in January that blogging from a smartphone is okay if you're not typing a lot and not trying to add links and images. Doing that makes it a pain in the ass. Which is one of the biggest reasons I haven't gotten that post up and haven't blogged much lately. Having a desktop again has been great. It's an adjustment getting used to a screen that isn't the size of a playing card, though.


A co-worker a few days ago commented on how tan my legs were and went on a small rant about how she just can't get tan. She asked where I go to tan and I replied, "outside." She got really confused and asked, "is there was an outdoor tanning place or...... I.... what?" I actually had to explain I've gotten a little bronzed up from all the time I've spent at my apartment complex's pool and from going to the driving range for a few hours a couple Saturday afternoons. I don't try to get tan, I just love golf and swimming and do a lot of both when the weather's nice. She was pretty disappointed I didn't have some magic salon I was going to.


I'm a big tea drinker. I've been taking honey ginseng white tea to work lately and yesterday I had a coworker ask me if I was drinking rose water. Do people really drink that with lunch? I've never tasted it but just the smell of roses makes me queasy so I avoid anything to do with roses like the plague.


On the local news this week, there were two stories that irked me because sexism against anyone grinds my gears (Thanks, Family Guy.) One story was, "kitchen recipes men can't mess up!" and the other "kitchen gadgets so easy even a man can figure them out!" The notion that cooking and kitchen stuff is feminine and only something that women should do is dated and asinine. Some of the best cooks I know happen to be male. In fact, one of my guy friends happens to be the only person I will eat a pork tenderloin from and I couldn't tell you what it is about his that I like but I can tell you I dislike every other one I've ever had in comparison. I don't even really like pork as a general rule but dude has mad kitchen skills. Another one of my male friends makes the best homemade pasta I've ever had. I would pay him all the money in my wallet (which ranges from 75 cents to about $20) for his beautiful noodles if he weren't so happy and willing to cook for the joy of doing so and enjoying good company. So, acting like men who cook are less masculine or acting as if men are all ignorant and incompetent in the kitchen? Knock that bullshit off, you look stupid.


My previous blog post about harassment gained a lot of response from it. Both on Twitter, in comments and in emails. Some of them have been maddeningly ignorant and some downright enraging. Lost in that are three guys, one from Twitter and two others that reached out via email, who thanked me for posting it because they appreciated the perspective.

To quote one of them, "I've never realized before that my approaches could be seen or felt as threatening, scary, inappropriate or upsetting. It's just the way I saw things happening in my culture around me and I thought that there was no harm in any of it. I was taught that as long as you don't lay hands, don't yell and don't berate you're not doing anything wrong. We're also taught that sometimes women are playing hard to get which means we need to try harder. I really appreciate reading your perspective here and the way you explained it, I realize now that I'm doing it wrong and that I've unintentionally probably made a lot of women uncomfortable without trying or even knowing I was doing so. That's upsetting because I'd never want to make anyone feel bad or unsafe. I will work to do better from now on." 

The other two echoed those sentiments in a very similar fashion and I can't tell you how happy them reaching out and telling me those things in the midst of all the negativity and ignorance made me. You guys rock and I sincerely hope you all meant it when you said you'd be striving to do better. :)

I should be finishing up other things right now instead of rambling on here. I have to be at work shortly and I'm still in need of running a brush through my hair and putting on some eyeliner. Oh and putting together the delicious orange chicken I'm taking for lunch. If anyone steals my lunch today (rarely happens but when it does....) they'll be getting cut. Or cookie dough thrown at their face. Or handing me over cash or going to buy me food from somewhere. Either way, unpleasantness will fall upon them in some way or another.

Happy Pre-Friday!

10 Things...

10 Things I've Learned This Week:

• Not everyone in the world likes breakfast tacos. Obvious because I'm not sure there's anything in the world that every single person would agree on but I'd never considered that there are people who hate breakfast tacos. Or any kind of tacos for that matter. 

• Sunday is absolutely the worst day in the world to go grocery shopping. I'm still not sure what I was thinking aside from really wanting milk so I could continue on with my cereal addiction uninterrupted.

• Even if I hate both teams playing, I will watch hockey if it's on. (Hello, Boston and Philadelphia.)

• Cards Against Humanity is a lot of fun. Twisted, sides aching from laughing fun. I knew this already. The realization I had this weekend was how many weird and fucked up things I've learned about people in my life by playing this game. Things I would've otherwise likely never known had the game and certain cards not opened up into commentary thus revealing things about people that I'd sometimes like to unlearn.

• Some people take the outfits of other people far too seriously. You're not wearing it and it's not hurting anyone, so please, calm the hell down. There's really no need for a five minute tirade about that ugly skirt and why that girl wasted her money. If it makes someone happy and hurts no one, leave it alone.

• Some people will always be offended or upset when you would rather sit at home reading a book or drawing over going out to do something with them. They will always take it personally no matter how many times you explain that it's not them, it's you because sometimes, some of us just need to not be around other people. There's no need to apologize for needing time for yourself.

• Books, music and baking are some of my favorite ways to lose myself but lately boxing has been a pretty favorable activity. Which is surprising to me because I've always thought boxing was a bit ridiculous. 

• Having someone in your life that can always make you laugh is one of the greatest gifts you could ever receive.

• I suck at asking for or accepting help when I need it, no matter what the issue at hand is. I need to get better about that. One day. Eventually. Maybe some day soon.

• A broken blood vessel in your eye is not particularly painful. It is however one of the most annoying things in the world. Seriously, I just want to scoop my eyeball out, latch on an eye patch and call it a day. 

Happy Sunday :)

The Whose Life Sucks More Olympics

I hope I'm never the type of person who has to "win" the "Whose-life's-harder/sucks-worse-right-now Olympics." Everyone knows or has known someone like that before. No matter the issue you have, they'll be ready as soon as they have the chance to tell you why you're lucky because their problem is worse. It doesn't matter what it is, they'll use something current or draw from a passed experience to attempt to one-up your issue. It's rarely done out of actually trying to help the person they're one-upping.

I understand needing to vent at times. I understand needing to complain about a pesky problem or a tough situation you're going through. Doing that usually opens the doors for the person lending that ear to share a similar story or at least one to relate to you. I'm fine with that because finding out someone you know has gone through a similar problem as you can, at times, be helpful. It can make you feel a bit better just knowing they got through it. You can discuss situational similarities and it may open your eyes to paths and solutions you hadn't yet thought of. A different perspective rarely hurts things when you're trying to work through something.

Just don't be that person who constantly tries to make all of their issues worse than anyone else's. That person whom has to make everything about them. All you're doing is saying, "that sucks for you but here's my problem that I deem bigger and more important than yours. Aren't you glad you don't have my problems? How lucky for you and your less significant problems!"

Doing  that doesn't make the other person feel better and it makes you look like a self-centered jackass who doesn't care about what other people are going through. You don't need to prove your issues are bigger and more difficult or that things you overcame were tougher so boohoo.

We all go through struggles and hard times. It's a part of life and everyone processes and handles situations differently. You can't say that your struggle is harder than the struggle of a loved one because you don't know. And even if it is/was, they're not coming to you for you to tell them how lucky they are. So next time, try shutting it down, listening and offering up something useful instead of disregarding what they're saying so you can tell them how you have it worse. Life is hard enough on it's own but things are easier to get through with support and encouragement from the people around you. If you're unsupportive and more interested in everything being about you all of the time, eventually (some sooner, others later) the people you care about are going to get tired of it. It's exhausting and frustrating dealing with someone that acts that way, especially when it's someone you care for or even someone you love. You're not going  to like what you start getting back so step out if your little "it's all about me" bubble and try on a little empathy on occasion. I promise, it doesn't hurt to occasionally just put your own issues aside and show the same kindness and support that you'd like from those around you.

Compromise is the devil! And evil! Or some people think it is.

One of my friends is having her birthday celebration tonight for her 30th birthday. Dinner, bowling and martini bar hopping. She sent me a text message at 12:00 PM TODAY to let me know that dinner was at 6 PM and they'd go on from there. She lives an hour away from me usually, about an hour and a half or more during busy traffic times. However, the place she picked for dinner is about 2 and 1/2 hours away from where I live if not longer depending on what traffic is like. I replied that I worked until 4 PM today and there's no way I could get home, shower, get ready (even though I can shower & be ready in 20 minutes) and be at dinner by 6. I also really didn't want to drive that far to watch other people bowl and watch people get drunk then drive 2 and a 1/2 hours back home later tonight after getting up at 6 AM for work this morning. I explained all of that after a few more texts from her complaining that she hasn't seen me in a while, really wanted me to come, yadda yadda blah blah blah blah.

Then, I offered to take her out next weekend since she's busy tomorrow and Sunday is my mom's birthday. I said I'd take her out for dinner next Friday and we could go do whatever else she wanted after that. Which honestly would just be going to a bar because that's about all she really likes to do for fun. I of course said I'd be paying for the night out since it would be her belated birthday celebration. 

Then I get this text: "No thanks, if you can't be bothered to come out tonight, just don't worry about it at all. My birthday isn't next Friday."

Well Princess, your birthday isn't this Friday either, it was on Monday, so fucking what? 

Which was basically my reply, though I left out the so fucking what and added in how her logic was off.

Of course, I know her well enough that I know it has nothing to do with the actual date of her birthday. She wasn't always this way but within the last year she's developed the attitude that she wants exactly what she wants, when she wants it, the way she wants it, no exceptions. No compromise. Which is one of the reasons I've let the distance between us grow and grow this last year. She wasn't always so inflexible but she decided after reading a self-help book that she was going to make everything happen on her terms and her terms only. She gets her way or it doesn't happen. And honestly, I can't deal with that because compromising to make things work well for everyone is part of a good relationship. It doesn't mean letting people walk all over you but bending a little to get what you want while letting others do what works out best for them once in a while won't hurt anyone. 

I get that it's her birthday celebration but to get mad because I don't want to make a 5 hour (or longer) round trip drive that has me missing the dinner and then only hanging out for maybe 2 or 3 hours at most before I have to leave to get home before I'm too tired to safely make the drive back home? Ridiculous.

Although, she did try to tell me I'm a horrible friend for not coming out tonight because guilt trips and insults TOTALLY GET ME TO DO WHAT YOU WANT. Yes, I'm the worst friend ever. An absolute terror to have in your corner and you should probably stay far away from me. ;)

Though from this, it got me thinking about people and society in a more general sense. 

What I don't understand is how so many people are so completely unwilling to make compromises in life. It's not a big deal yet so many people seem to be so unwilling to do something any way other than their way or to go even slightly out of their way for someone else once in a while. I'm not sure if it's immaturity, arrogance, self-importance, stubbornness, selfishness or some mix of any/all of the above but whatever makes someone act with zero flexibility really sucks. Especially when dealing with friends and loved ones. 

There is a huge difference between an occasional compromise and being a doormat for the world. I'm FAR from being any one's doormat but I understand that sometimes, you have to bend a little to make things work for everyone involved. And sometimes, it's just nice to make things a little easier for others. I know people at times do the same for me in situations and I'm always grateful when someone (most of the people in my life) is willing to bend a little on something for me. It doesn't mean they're always happy about doing it and I'm not always happy about having to compromise on things but being a mature adult who isn't a complete asshat isn't always enjoyable and fun. The world might be a little more pleasant if more people would remember that simple fact.

Justifying your simple joys.

I’ll never understand people’s need to justify why they like the trivial things they like. I’m never ashamed or embarrassed by anything I find appealing or enjoyable because if it brings me joy and happiness, why should I care what anyone else thinks of it?

I don’t. And never will. And I guess it’s for that reason that I’ll never understand why people feel they need to explain why they like something and try to convince others of it’s coolness when they don’t agree. Everyone likes different things and some people you like aren’t going to necessarily be into the same things you are. If you feel you need to justify a song or a TV show or a food you like to someone, you’re probably too concerned with people’s opinions of you. And if liking a dorky TV show or an annoying song could jeopardize a friendship, you’re better off just letting that happen. If some one's opinion of you is changed in a negative way because of something you like, that's their problem. If they treat you differently because of it, then maybe they're not as nice as you thought.

Justifying things you like is silly. Almost as silly as the people who try to prove why their hobby, favorite sport, favorite song, etc is better than whatever it is someone else with a differing opinion likes. If it’s not hurting anyone and it makes you happy, enjoy it and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.

You'll be missed.

I hate writing about sad stuff but I need to get this out somewhere. I'm not good at talking about things like this and honestly don't have that many people I can talk to anyway. Writing always helps when words fail me verbally though.

These amazing photos of bears in the wild were taken by a talented and wonderful man, Philip Perdue.

I met Philip because he was friends with my boyfriend Shane and had been for years. Phil was one of the first member of Shane's car club that made me feel welcome and included me into their diverse group of members.

His talent with photography and the often very amusing stories that went along with the photos he took were one of the things I liked most about him. He had a passion for capturing the world through photograph and he was good at it.

I admired how upbeat & optimistic he was no matter what life tossed at him. He had some things he was fighting through and some days were enough to put most people into grumpy spirits. He rarely let anything get him down, though.

He had a great sense of humor. A little (ok a lot) weird at times but the man never failed to make me and those around him laugh their asses off.

As a free spirit myself, I can always recognize and appreciate that in someone else. I admired that in him.

Phil was one of the most genuinely nice guys anyone could ever be fortunate enough to know.
He was the kind of guy always ready to lend a helping hand to anyone who needed one without ever keeping score or expecting anything in return. He had such kind heart and so much joy to give.

Last night as I was getting off of a long 10 hour shift at work, my boyfriend called me from work crying. I was automatically worried something was wrong with him but he had just found out from a good mutual friend he shared with Phil that Phil had died unexpectedly. I was stunned to say the least. We had just gone through the death of a family friend a little over a week ago when the mother of one of the goalies on my brother's hockey team passed away unexpectedly and now this. I stayed on the phone with my boyfriend the remainder of his break then just sat in my car letting the news about Phil sink in. I ended up driving around a little bit then went to the boyfriend's job so I could be with him on his lunch break to offer comfort and maybe a few laughs. I didn't cry until I got home that night. I pulled into the driveway and the sky was so pretty with a few stars barely peeking through clouds. I thought of Phil and how much he loved photography and of a conversation we had about how gorgeous the night skies in Northern California were on clear nights. Then I sat there sobbing and realizing I'd never see him again. I'd never have another conversation, never hear his goofy laugh, never hear another story about a trip he went on to take amazing photos with crazy mishaps. Shane had wanted him to be the photographer at our wedding (we do plan to get married eventually) but now he won't be there walking around smiling his big goofy grin with his camera, making jokes and capturing so many moments through photograph.

He was always so friendly and genuinely nice to everyone. Until you did wrong to anyone he cared for, then he wasn't such a gentle teddy bear. He was loved and liked by so many, he will be greatly missed.

I'll miss that quirky little man with the big heart and goofy grin.

RIP Phil.

Reminders, Rambles & Rants....

I feel like rambling to clear some thoughts out. Or as some people who remember the story about my friend's relative, "Clearing some monkeys out of the attic." So ramble I shall! After this...

As a reminder, there is less than a month left to donate to the Toys for Tots blogger fundraiser. Cut off for paypal donations is December 14th.

The Target gift card contest lasts the duration of the fundraiser so you have until December 14th also to gain an entry or two or five to try and win that. A donation isn't necessary to get an entry but is appreciated and $5 is the minimum donation for an entry for the gift card if you want to make one. Check out the details here. 

And ramble ramble ramble....

I don't really understand a couple popular expressions I hear people use a lot. "You know you're getting older when...." or "You know you're from [insert city/state here] when...." OR anything like those two. I know I'm getting older because I get how time works and days keep going by and those birthday things keep happening. I'm not made aware of the fact that everyone gets a little older every single day by some obscure fact or occurrence. I'm also really aware of where I'm from without some random little tidbit to tie it to. Which tends to usually be some stupid generalization anyway.

I realized recently that I have an irrational hatred for wind chimes. I realized this at my boyfriend's mother's house because she has tons of them all over the place. Maybe it's not a single wind chime I hate but tons of them. They each make their own unique sounds which can be pretty. When there's multiple going with their unique sounds all going together? It drives me insane, I can't stand that noise. Pus it always bugs me when they start moving around when there's not any air flow changes I can feel. Also, I just really don't like the things.

A couple days back, a guy outside of the grocery store was stopping people because he was selling Twinkies for $25 a box. I don't eat Twinkies. I think they're disgusting. I don't eat any little snack cake or donut product either because I'm just not a fan of junk like that. I don't really get the insanity people are feeling over this. It's a fucking snack cake, not an important necessity that you literally cannot live without.I get there's things you get attached to but being willing to pay that much money for a box of snack cakes is ridiculous.

I don't think people realize that having tinted windows on their car doesn't make them invisible in there. Unless they're super dark, almost illegal or actually illegal dark. Then you're fine. Most people? You're not invisible in there. Or maybe people just get really lost in there like they're in the privacy of some little world and don't think about people being able to see inside their car when they're walking by or sitting at the same light for a prolonged amount of time. People do some really gross things in their cars. Window tint is not an invisibility cloak for your car.

I hate when people get their undies in a bunch when I don't text them back immediately. I work a lot. I'm busy a lot. I have a lot going on. I can't and won't always stop in the middle of everything just to respond back to a text message. I guess most people will do that but I won't. And if you text me while I'm driving, I'm not replying to it until I'm stopped or done driving. It's never over anything important. Phone calls are for important things. Getting mad at me because I didn't text you back fast enough to help you decide what to have for lunch? Ridiculous.

A little girl that came into my job yesterday asked me why water wasn't purple or lime green then proceeded to tell me why she would be willing to drink more water if it were purple or lime green. Her mom told her she would start putting food coloring in her water. The little girl told her that would be cheating and she didn't want any poison color water, only natural colored water. A short while later, a little boy came in with his dad and told me that he didn't like the bells on our Christmas boxes because bells reminded him of balls. He also told me that he had small balls but that dad told him they would get bigger and hairy one day. He doesn't want hair because hair is itchy. His dad looked mortified and told him to play the quiet game for the rest of their short visit to pick up their goodies. And lastly for the parade of interesting kids yesterday, a mom with four kids came in. The little boys shook my hand because they're "learning to be little gentlemen" and the little girl told me, "I can't shake your hand, I have a butt finger. My finger was in my butt!" She wouldn't stop giggling over that which made one of her brother's start giggling and tell me that he had his finger up his nose then his but so I had touched his nosy butt finger. Their mother laughed hard over that then apologized for her kids behavior and told me I'd understand when I had some of my own. I said I didn't ever plan on having kids personally. She looked at me like I said I'd shot her grandma or something. Which I'm used to since it's a typical reaction to someone announcing they don't ever want to have kids which I've done every time someone has broached the subject of having kids with me for the last, oh, 14 years now.

I'm super excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow because it's the first time I get to make more than just one or two items for the big family dinner. Usually by the time I ask about helping, everyone else already has everything covered and I get to make one maybe two things. I get to make four this year. I know a lot of people find having to cook like that stressful and unpleasant but I love to cook and I love cooking big meals for people. It's a challenge to get it all done and I love a good challenge. Especially one in the kitchen.

I'm done now. If anyone read all of that or even skimmed most of it, thank you. ;)

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

Mind fucks aren't fun at all..

Before I get to the actual part of this post where I say random stuff that you weirdos enjoy reading for some reason, let me be annoying and mention two things for the 123rd time so far this month.

First things first, if you haven't seen the Toys for Tots Fundraiser I'm doing (somehow, maybe you don't follow me on Twitter and haven't been here before ;]) then check that out here. It's a great cause and a donation of just a few dollars goes a long way. ;)

Second, there's a contest going on around here for a $25 gift card to Target. You don't have to make the $5 minimum donation for an entry into the contest because there are other ways to get entries that don't cost you more than some of your online time but a donation will get you can extra entry for the gift card. For the rules for the super easy contest, check it here.

Now on to my ramblings.

I organized a food drive late last week and had a couple of my friends help me out with it. I asked around and they volunteered so yay for having helpful friends. We managed to gather up 93 pounds of food from co-workers, neighbors, other friends, etc for the North Texas Food Bank which I delivered yesterday. I know if you have a lot of canned goods, that's not a lot. Out of curiosity, I asked, and only 29 lbs of that was made up from canned goods. See, I bother my real life friends with charity stuff too. ;) While I was delivering our haul, I ran into a friend I haven't seen in around 9 years. We used to work together when we were teenagers and I'm surprised she recognized me. I was heading back to my car when I heard someone from the sidewalk call my name out. We talked for about 5 minutes before she leaned in and asked me if I still got high then without waiting for an answer asked me if I wanted to go hang out back at her apartment because she had some "good stuff" as well as some good pot back there. I declined because I stopped doing the kind of drugs she was talking about almost 8 years ago. I did have a minor lapse with weed a few years ago but it's been 3 years and 2 months since I've done that. I work really hard to not fall back into old habits because I'm unable to use substances "once in a while." If I start, it's an every day or almost every day thing and I won't let myself be like I was ever again because I wasn't a functional, happy person then. I politely declined my former friends invite and for some reason, she got mad. She asked if I could give her a ride and I asked if she had any drugs on her. "Just a little heroin, no big deal" was her reply to that. I declined giving her a ride but offered to give her money for the bus that was pulling off. She took that and handed me a card with her cell phone information on it. Then informed me she also worked as a dealer so if I changed my mind... Sigh.

That whole interaction actually really fucked with my head. I started thinking too much about the person I used to be. The people I hung out with, the people I ignored but shouldn't have, the relationships I ruined, the multiple ways I just utterly fucked my life up... and instead of focusing on the fact that I'm not that person anymore, that I learned from those mistakes and that I made my life better; I let them swallow me and I felt suffocated by things and emotions that don't have a place in my life anymore. It's not like our passed is ever just gone but I don't live in the passed. Things happen, they shaped the things I did and got me to where I am and there's no sense dwelling on choices made that can't be changed or undone. I've never done that so the feelings I was having yesterday were almost foreign to me because I don't worry about things that are long since done. I didn't really know how to get out of the mood I was in. I wanted to talk to my friend Rob who has known me for over 10 years and knew me back when I was a much bigger mess than I am now but I knew he's been sick and didn't want to bother him. I wanted to talk to my boyfriend whom I met while I was in the process of trying to put my life and self in some kind of order but he works from 7 pm till 4 or 5 am and I can only reach him on breaks anyway. So instead, I didn't talk to anyone and decided I'd write about it. Which didn't help because I couldn't make the words in my head come out right on paper. I went to the gym and decided I'd work out because physical activity helps me when I'm stressed out or feeling bad. Sometimes it does anyway. I'm usually able to clear my head and focus more while working out and last night's session helped a lot. Now writing it out like this is helping because I finally got the words out that I wanted out and got back to realizing who I am and where I'm at in life which is far from where I used to be. And that's a good thing because that girl was an extremely unhappy, angry, self-destructive mess.

As an aside, there was a guy at the gym on the row of treadmills in front of me. While running he was playing something on his cell phone. He some how got so involved in whatever was on his phone that he lost his footing, tripped, smacked his face on the grip bar you ca hold on to, then fell down off the treadmill. He wasn't hurt. He actually laid there looking stunned and then started laughing. The girl next to me asked if I thought he legit was being a dumb ass or if I thought it was some kind of hidden camera show stunt going on. I said I honestly believed the guy was just being a moron and had an accident occur due to his stupidity. She disagreed and thought hidden camera show was more like it. She didn't want to be on "no damn reality hidden camera TV show" because she "don't look no damn good on TV" which she knew because she was on the news once after some kind of storm had happened and she looked "a fool" apparently. So she said she was going to go check for hidden cameras or a TV crew before she could finish her workout. I thought she was joking but she wasn't. She went around the gym checking for hidden cameras and asking the two employees there at that hour about if they knew anything about hidden camera shows. She even asked the treadmill guy if he was aware of anything. She eventually got satisfied that nothing fishy was going on but then left anyway just in case everyone was in on it. That weird incident also put me in a better mood because the entire thing amused the hell out of me.

That's enough out of me. Thanks for still reading and thanks for the emails many of you send always checking up on me when I'm not around much. I appreciate it. :)

Also thanks for those of you that have donated to the Toys for Tots fundraiser and thanks to those who have helped me promote the fundraiser. Even if it is just because you're trying to win that gift card, I still appreciate the effort and help behind it so much. :) <3 nbsp="nbsp">

Happy Thursday!

Orgasms & Q-tips...

My friend April started a debate with a friend about how using a q-tip to relieve a really itchy ear was one of the best feelings in the world. Her and her friend were debating whether or not it surpassed an orgasm in terms of things that feel amazing. She ended up texting me for my thoughts on the subject which I happily supplied in heavy favor of orgasms over q-tips relieving an itch. I mean really, there's no contest, lol.

The question wound up on Twitter and no surprise most people went with orgasm over a q-tip relieving one's itchy ear. Honestly though, she's got a point with her q-tip defense. It feels fantastic when you have an itch inside your ear you can't get to and finally alleviate it with a q-tip. It's a wonderful feeling. It doesn't surpass an orgasm though, not even close. It did get me thinking of things that are simple but just feel great and possibly even surpass the awesomeness of a q-tip performing one of it's basic functions. So, I thought about simple joys that make me feel great and decided I'd put them up here. In no particular order..

-A shower after a hard workout, long day at work, sporting event, outdoor activity or anything that leaves you hot, sweaty and feeling rather filthy. Washing away all the grime and feeling clean, soft and warm? Fucking GREAT. That also works for when you're stressed and take a warm shower and feel lazy, warm and super relaxed afterward.

-Being outside in the cold and going inside, where it's nice and warm and then drinking and/or eating something warm. Especially coffee or a warm mug of tea (showing my bias) because both are so delicious. That feeling of heat warming your body from the inside out is awesome.

-Getting swept away in a really fantastic book. I know a lot of people don't enjoy books and reading the way I do but it's an experience for me. I get very involved with the characters, the storyline and pretty much every aspect of the book. It's like being in a different little world and it's one of my favorite feelings, ever.

-When you're in the car and have to pee but you're almost home or wherever you're going to and don't want to stop anywhere so you hold it for what seems like an eternity. When you finally get where you're going, rush in, and get to go, it's such a sweet, wonderful relief.

-Hugs. Especially when you're having a bad day.

None of that is better than the feeling you get from an orgasm but they all definitely top the q-tip for me. I'm sure there are more if I took more time to think about it but I'm really not bored enough to spend even more time distracting myself with the subject. At least for right now, haha. Though if any of you fine people have anything you want to add to my list (comments section yo!), feel free to do so. :)

Happy Tuesday!!!

A tale of the guy who couldn't pee in the cup....

Warning: Gross and possibly offensive language/subject matter is ahead of you. Proceed with caution. If you end up grossed out or offended by anything, don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

I love my friends but sometimes the texts I get from them... I don't even know. And the conversations that spawn from random text messages? Here's one from yesterday, copied right out of my phone's inbox.

Guy Friend: "I need your help. Serious question here. I'm at the clinic and need to pee in a cup. I drank a couple bottles of water before I came but it's not making me have to pee."

Me: "Where is the question in all of that?

Guy Friend: "How much pee is a sufficient amount? I've only got like 1/8 of the cup filled. Am I good? If not, don't reply, just bring beer. That shit makes me piss like a racehorse."

Me: "That's probably not enough. Go ask how much they need for it to be sufficient. I don't work there, I'm not going to know."

Guy Friend: "I do not want to go ask how much pee I have to have in the cup. I'll look like an idiot. Can't you Google it or something?"

Me: "If you want it Google'd you should just use your iPhone. Don't be such a baby. They've heard worse and dumber questions before, you tool."

Guy Friend: "JUST BRING ME A COUPLE BEERS. I'LL BE ABLE TO FILL 3 CUPS IN ABOUT 15 MINUTES IF YOU BRING BUD LIGHT."

Me: "I'M NOT BRINGING BEER TO THE CLINIC FOR YOU. STOP BEING A TWAT AND GO ASK HOW MUCH FUCKING PEE YOU NEED IN THE CUP."

Guy Friend: "I'll just wait it out and hope the water makes me have to pee soon."

Me: "You take too long in there and they might think you're in there jerking off. I bet that would be even more awkward for you since you're scared to go ask about pee."

Guy Friend: "They're not going to think that."

Me: "Who takes this long to pee? What else are you doing in there assuming you're in there with your junk hanging out?"

Guy Friend: "You're not funny and they're not going to jump to that conclusion."

Guy Friend: "Great, now I can't even go ask how much pee I need in the cup because I'm worried they're going to think I was in here spanking it. Thanks. A fucking lot."

Me: "It's what I do. I get in your head and fuck shit up."

Guy Friend: " Why are we friends?"

Me: "No idea. Now seriously, go ask before they really start wondering what's going on in there. The longer you take, the more they'll wonder. They might even come knock on the door."

Guy Friend: "I don't want to go ask. I'm pretty sure this isn't enough but I don't know how much I need to squeeze out. Why didn't they tell me how much they needed before they sent me back here?"

Me: "If you don't go ask, I know where you're at. I will call and tell them you're in the restroom afraid to ask how much urine they need for a sufficient sample and have someone go back there to talk to you."

Guy Friend: "DON'T DO THAT."

Me: "Looking up their phone number now...."

Guy Friend: "Fine, I'm going to ask. Put Google away, jackass."

Me: "You better really be going to ask. Text me back and tell me how much you need in like two minutes or I'm calling up there."

Guy Friend: "Half a cup at least. They gave me some ice water with a few lemons in it."

Me: "Turn on the sink and listen to the running water. Or get on youtube and find a video of a waterfall or something."

Guy Friend: "This is ridiculous, fuck. I drank enough water and that water with the lemons was disgusting. I should be able to fill the cup by now."

Me: "Probably performance anxiety? Maybe some stage fright? Your urine is against medical testing and silently protesting?"

Guy Friend: "You're hilarious but not at all helpful here."

After probably 5 minutes, he sent me a picture of the cup full of his urine. I'll spare y'all the imagery there because I really could have done without it personally. Though he said it was in retaliation for me being somewhat of an ass while he was freaking out over the whole ordeal. And it was only pee, so not a big deal. We decided that given the nature of the testing (which I won't get into because he said I could post the conversation as long as I didn't say what it was specifically for or go into the story itself, which I wouldn't have anyway because it's irrelevant) he was probably just nervous and maybe a bit scared and that's what made a normally simple task quite difficult for him. Also, he's some how never had to pee in a cup before in his 24 years of life. Which led me to questioning if he's ever seen a doctor before, lol.

Happy Wednesday!

Allow me a moment to be sappy, it doesn't happen often...

As I'm typing this, I'm rather heavily medicated. You've been warned.

I've been pretty sick the last few days. Sunday, the boyfriend had the day off from work so I spent all day in bed and had him home taking care of me like the awesome boyfriend he is. He got some stuff for me Monday before he went to work and my mom ended up bringing me some stuff at 11 PM. Mind you, my mom has to drive 2 hours from her place to get to where I'm at then another 2 hours to get back home. I do appreciate her doing what she does for me.

I hate getting sick. I have a weak immune system due to low white blood cell count. I've tried a lot of different ways to boost my immune system but none have really worked so far. And I'm talking years of trying different things, not just months. I've had this issue since I was a little kid. It sucks. And I stay away from people that are sick as a general rule because when I get sick, I'm down for days even when it's not something serious. Which ends up irritating the hell out of me because I hate laying around doing nothing and feeling like crap and not having the energy for anything. Hopefully I can kick this crap in the next day or so and get back to being my normal self. :D

I have to say though that I have some really great people in my life. I had several offers from people willing to bring me soup, juice, Gatorade, Kleenex, medicine, cough drops or anything else I needed. Granted, my boyfriend had me taken care of and made a couple runs to go out and get stuff for me and my mom brought me some soup, Sprite, medicine and Jell-O as well. So, I'm covered. Still, it made me smile that I had people that I knew weren't just offering to be nice but were offering because they wanted to make sure I had everything I needed. In the past, I've had people offer to do things yet if I actually wanted to call on them for help, they would suddenly be busy or have a reason why they were unable to do what they had just offered to do minutes prior. I know without a doubt the few people who offered to bring me stuff or risk their health to come keep my sickly self company weren't just offering; any of them would have brought me what I needed if I wanted to take them up on their offers. It's nice to know you have some people in your life that you can count on. And even better knowing they care enough to offer things when you need them without even asking for them. It's the little things that make me happy, obviously. Thank you to those people, I appreciate the offers and the concern.

And I appreciate the well wishes on Twitter and the people sending me goofy stuff and jokes to put me in better spirits. That stuff really helps, too. It's so nice to know so many great people in the world, in real life and online, too.

It's always good to let the people in your life know how wonderful they are and how much you appreciate having them around. Whether they're family, friends, a significant other, online friends or what have you. There are so many unique and interesting relationships in my life and I'm happy to know so many good, kind, caring people. Even if I don't get to see or talk to some of them as often as I would like to. I still need to take more time to let them all know that I appreciate the times they've been there for me and how much I enjoy having them be a part of my life. I don't think people do that enough which is sad because it takes so little time to tell someone how great they are and how happy them being a part of your life makes you. I'm guilty of that because I'm just not an emotional person. I tend to come off and rather detached more often than not and it's not that I'm cold and uncaring, I'm far from it, being emotional just makes me uncomfortable. I much prefer logic and things that don't involve gooey messy emotions and warm feelings. :p

I really think it's the medication bringing it out from me tighyt because I'm not normally so sappy, lol. Anyone who knows me well enough can attest that me being emotional or sappy just doesn't really happen. It's all good, though. Once in a while, it can happen I suppose. :D

I've got some great antibiotics now and they should start kicking my ass back into good health. Sooner rather than later, hopefully.

Happy Tuesday!

All my friends said...

Okay, so not all of my friends but here are some of the things I had sent to me via text message by a few of my drunks friends last night. And no, I won't type them exactly as they're typed to me because horruibkle drumnk text is annoying to read. Plus, the messages are amusing enough without all the typos.

First up, we have a tale of an inflatable couch....

T: "Hey! I need your help please!

Me: "Something wrong?"

T: "Yes. I need you to come over NOW and help me get the inflatable couch out of the swimming pool. I can't do it by myself and the couch is getting wet."

Me: "Do not get into the pool drunk. Leave the couch in there, just let it drown. Also, where the hell did you get an inflatable couch."

T: "Oh came over with it! Cool right?"

Me: "Why did she bring an inflatable couch over?"

T: "Oh uh, she said she wanted my dog to have a couch to sit on."

Me: "Interesting. And how did the couch get into the pool?"

T: "Reily didn't like having his own couch."

Me: "That doesn't explain how it got into the pool."

T: "I don't know. I just know it's in the pool and I don't want it to keep getting wet and I don't want it to drown."

Me: "It'll be fine. Unless there's a hurricane in the pool over night, then it'll be destroyed."

Which I shouldn't have said since I spent the next 5 minutes convincing him that there wouldn't be a hurricane in his pool and another 3 minutes convincing him it wouldn't drown in the pool and then another 2 minutes convincing him to leave the inflatable couch alone and go back inside. If only I could have found a way to get there unnoticed, deflate the couch and sink it to the bottom of the pool, haha.

Next......

A: "You know what's a bad decision? Putting crunched up chipotle ranch potato chips onto a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then dipping it into Italian salad dressing. Sadly not the worst decision I'm going to make tonight."

Me: "A good friend doesn't sleep with his friend's sister. Especially after eating that kind of garbage. Can you imagine if you have to throw that up later? And throw up while on top of her?"

A: "THAT'S FUCKING NASTY....and it's his cousin not sister and they're only cousins by marriage so that doesn't count as real family anyway."

Me: "It still counts, they've been cousins since they were toddlers. Rationalize it any way you want, you're still a douche in the morning."

A: "How can you cockblock me when you're not even here? Asshole haha."

Me: "You know you're still going to do it anyway."

A: "BAZINGA!"
"Or some other one word catch phrase that would fit better there."


Next....

H: "I just drank out of a beer bottle someone peed into. Should I go to the hospital? I already threw up."

Me: "Haha. Nah, you'll be okay."

H: "You sure? When I puked it was in 's hot tub. Should I go tell him?"

Before I could respond...

H: "No wait don't tell him I told you that I did that please! I'm not going to say anything to get back at him for that one time he made out with my girlfriend before I broke up with her. I'm gonna go piss on his guitar now too but don't tell him that either."

For the record, I don't even know the person he was referring to. Telling him would have been pretty impossible even if I wanted to, lol.

And that does it for this episode of drunk texts.

Have a great Saturday, y'all!