I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about a few things. Of course, I won't go into detail about what exactly those things are. Not yet anyway. That would make for a really long blog post and it would also likely be rather chaotic and wouldn't make much sense.
I've always been fascinated by the human brain and psychology, even before I really knew what either was. Your mind is such a beautiful, complicated thing. It also has the capacity to be a raging nightmare. Especially when you let things creep in and humor thoughts and ideas you know you probably shouldn't. It's a funny thing how so many thoughts and feelings people have that are harmful to themselves could be avoided by just not playing "what if" with oneself. Yet, people do it all the time anyway. Sometimes, letting something go is easy. Other times, it's harder to accept something for what it is. So, you poke and prod at it. Sometimes that makes it better and sometimes it makes it worse. Clarity and peace of mind versus chaos and confusion.
It's weird how a single event can change so much about the way you think and react to things. Of course, something traumatic happens to you and people tell you to expect changes. To expect things to be different. No one can tell you what that means because it's different for everyone. So you have this feeling of uncertainty surrounding you all the time, wondering what it is that will change because even you don't know right away. Sure, there are immediate things you notice. But then there's more. Then there's things that just happen slowly and you see them differently, react differently, contemplate them in new ways you hadn't before. And truly, that's not always a good thing.
Sometimes I wonder about why certain things happen to people. Is it some sort of personal test for them? Is it one of those cruel lessons that hurts but needed to be learned anyway? Is it to show them how much they can handle or how easily they could break? Or maybe just pure bad luck? I have issue with that because I believe in karma but I don't necessarily believe in luck. I always just think of luck, good or bad, as the result of karma more so than something that exists on it's own, freely.
In the end, I wonder if it's less about the events that happen to us and more about the way we react to them. The way we cope. The event itself has it's role to play, certainly. Everything in this world has it's own role to play. I think sometimes the more important thing to focus on is how you feel after an event and how you plan to counter. Not necessarily meaning revenge or anything like that, either. How you plan to counter the effects of the event. Life is full of actions and reactions. A lot of the actions people have no control over because shit just happens sometimes. Reactions, you can almost always be in control of, however.
Which lead me to thinking about some of the stuff I've been going through lately and my own reactions. I'm in kind of a weird place right now, both physically in this point in my life and in my head space. There's so much going on and I understand so little of it. And lately, I don't care much to try and figure any of it out. Which is so unlike me that it's scary. It wasn't until today that I realized how little I've cared to contemplate anything going on and that realization struck me hard. It was strange. I don't know why I've become complacent because that's something I've never been. I don't know why I've elected to just ignore things. Not in hopes that they'll go away but just because I'd apparently rather ignore them then deal with them. Which is also very unlike me. I've given up on some things and stopped caring about other things. Things I shouldn't give up on stop caring about. I've let some things get me down more than I should have.
So, now that I've taken off my own blinders to the person I've been here lately, I know I have some work to do and know I need to stop ignoring things because this version of myself? It's not me and I really don't like her very much. Though, outwardly I'm sure most people haven't noticed a difference because most of what's been different hasn't really effected my personality too much. It's more internal than that and since none of you (thankfully for you) live or even get to visit inside my head, I'm fairly confident there's very little differences outwardly.
Anyway, enough of that. This post was more for me to just clear my head a little and put it out there to, in a way, make myself more accountable for the things I need to work on within myself. Though, If anyone did read all of that, thank you. ;)
Showing posts with label honesty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label honesty. Show all posts
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Thursday, September 2, 2010
And then I cried.
I called my mom last night after I got off work to get some information from her on something I was confused about. She explained and gave me some suggestions. She was cooking dinner and said she would call back later. She called back a couple hours later and said she had some heavy stuff to tell me.
Since I haven't been blogging or doing much other than working, I haven't told anyone that my grandfather was just in the hospital again for 5 days. They sent him home on Tuesday. He's been sick and battling cancer, heart problems and other shit for years and years and years. In January he was in the hospital for a while. They said he was going to die then. Then oddly, he just seemed to bounce back and start doing better. He's had several hospital visits since then. And he's been doing more and more losing against the things he's battling.
Last night, my mom told me he was having worse issues. His body is starting to shut down on him basically. Slowly. I don't want to post the details about it all because I don't think I'll be able to write this if I do because it's crushing to me. I'm close with my grandparents. I grew up seeing them on a very regular basis. I always thought kids who only saw theirs every few months or a few times a year were odd because I saw mine so much. We spent weekends with them. Spring Breaks. You get the picture without me going on and on.
But when mom told me last night that Grandpa was dying, really dying this time? I think I was in shock. Maybe disbelief. So very many times, he's been literally to the point where doctors have said not to expect much over the years and he's fought back and stayed with us. I just didn't feel anything when she told me he wasn't going to be staying with us this time. He says it's too much. He can't move around on his own. He can't do a lot honestly. Thinking about all the changes hurts because I can't stand to see him hurting so much. I heard everything she said. Some of it was just heartbreaking and hearing my mom upset was a lot to handle. I just sat there and listened, taking it in. It didn't hit me though. I was hearing her, every word. I was hearing her pain and sadness in her words. I just didn't feel any of my own right then. It didn't feel real to me.
It's enough that my mom is going to be coming back to Texas here soon to help my grandmother take care of him and things around the house. One of my aunts is taking family medical leave from her job so she can help out, too. My grandmother has breast cancer and her own issues going on. Taking care of my grandfather is just too much for her on her own.
I follow my little sister on Tumblr. I saw her post something and read it. She's taking leave from her job in California to come back to Texas, too. She talked about it a little and talked about crying and being so emotional and upset. And that is when it hit me. Like a fucking sack of bricks. He's not going to make it through this time. I just sat there staring at her words on the screen. Then I clicked away and just sat there, thinking about all the times I had sat on a front porch talking with him or not saying anything and just sitting. All the times he would stand outside with us, helping us climb trees and standing there watching us, really so he could make sure we didn't get hurt. All the times he "got on to" grandma for griping at us over something silly. Then I got older and those trips got lesser so when I did have time to go see them, we just sat and talked. We'd play games with grandma and he'd sit in his recliner in the living room listening and making jokes or comments from time to time. I thought about when he met The Boyfriend and they sat and talked. I remember when he told The Boyfriend he could be part of the family and that he better always treat me right and take good care of me. All the times he's called me sugar and given me a hug, telling me he's happy I came to visit him. And all the times here lately where I've barely been able to understand half of what he tries to say but I always understand when he says I love you.
And then I cried. Hot tears rolling down my face until everything around me was blurry. I rested my head on my knees and sat there like that, crying and hoping if I cried enough that it would stop hurting. I ran out of tears before it stopped hurting. I knew realistically I wouldn't be able to cry it all out and be okay in one shot. I know it will take a while. I know to remember the good times I've had. I know to count myself lucky that I've had such a good relationship with him. I know once he passes he won't be hurting anymore. I know all of the positives that people are going to tell me to look at and be thankful for and honestly? None of that is going to make me feel better right now. I think sometimes, you just need to let something hurt and be sad about it for a while before you can be okay with it.
Since I haven't been blogging or doing much other than working, I haven't told anyone that my grandfather was just in the hospital again for 5 days. They sent him home on Tuesday. He's been sick and battling cancer, heart problems and other shit for years and years and years. In January he was in the hospital for a while. They said he was going to die then. Then oddly, he just seemed to bounce back and start doing better. He's had several hospital visits since then. And he's been doing more and more losing against the things he's battling.
Last night, my mom told me he was having worse issues. His body is starting to shut down on him basically. Slowly. I don't want to post the details about it all because I don't think I'll be able to write this if I do because it's crushing to me. I'm close with my grandparents. I grew up seeing them on a very regular basis. I always thought kids who only saw theirs every few months or a few times a year were odd because I saw mine so much. We spent weekends with them. Spring Breaks. You get the picture without me going on and on.
But when mom told me last night that Grandpa was dying, really dying this time? I think I was in shock. Maybe disbelief. So very many times, he's been literally to the point where doctors have said not to expect much over the years and he's fought back and stayed with us. I just didn't feel anything when she told me he wasn't going to be staying with us this time. He says it's too much. He can't move around on his own. He can't do a lot honestly. Thinking about all the changes hurts because I can't stand to see him hurting so much. I heard everything she said. Some of it was just heartbreaking and hearing my mom upset was a lot to handle. I just sat there and listened, taking it in. It didn't hit me though. I was hearing her, every word. I was hearing her pain and sadness in her words. I just didn't feel any of my own right then. It didn't feel real to me.
It's enough that my mom is going to be coming back to Texas here soon to help my grandmother take care of him and things around the house. One of my aunts is taking family medical leave from her job so she can help out, too. My grandmother has breast cancer and her own issues going on. Taking care of my grandfather is just too much for her on her own.
I follow my little sister on Tumblr. I saw her post something and read it. She's taking leave from her job in California to come back to Texas, too. She talked about it a little and talked about crying and being so emotional and upset. And that is when it hit me. Like a fucking sack of bricks. He's not going to make it through this time. I just sat there staring at her words on the screen. Then I clicked away and just sat there, thinking about all the times I had sat on a front porch talking with him or not saying anything and just sitting. All the times he would stand outside with us, helping us climb trees and standing there watching us, really so he could make sure we didn't get hurt. All the times he "got on to" grandma for griping at us over something silly. Then I got older and those trips got lesser so when I did have time to go see them, we just sat and talked. We'd play games with grandma and he'd sit in his recliner in the living room listening and making jokes or comments from time to time. I thought about when he met The Boyfriend and they sat and talked. I remember when he told The Boyfriend he could be part of the family and that he better always treat me right and take good care of me. All the times he's called me sugar and given me a hug, telling me he's happy I came to visit him. And all the times here lately where I've barely been able to understand half of what he tries to say but I always understand when he says I love you.
And then I cried. Hot tears rolling down my face until everything around me was blurry. I rested my head on my knees and sat there like that, crying and hoping if I cried enough that it would stop hurting. I ran out of tears before it stopped hurting. I knew realistically I wouldn't be able to cry it all out and be okay in one shot. I know it will take a while. I know to remember the good times I've had. I know to count myself lucky that I've had such a good relationship with him. I know once he passes he won't be hurting anymore. I know all of the positives that people are going to tell me to look at and be thankful for and honestly? None of that is going to make me feel better right now. I think sometimes, you just need to let something hurt and be sad about it for a while before you can be okay with it.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Cheater
My friend asked me to do something for her. She cheated on her boyfriend several times with the same guy. When her guilt finally became too much, she quit cheating. Then, she was scared her boyfriend had been cheating on her because if she did it, who says he hasn't? So, she got paranoid and started taking every little thing out of proportion. They started fighting more due to her newly established suspicious nature. She doesn't have the balls to tell him she cheated though she wants him to know so he can leave her or they can work through it. She told me she wanted me to tell him for her. To make up a story about how she let me have her myspace password to go tweak her profile layout since she has trouble doing it. Then I got nosy and decided to go read through her messages. In doing that, I found messages between her and another guy that proved she had been fucking around with this guy. That was the story she came up with and wanted me to tell her boyfriend. That way, he would confront her and she wouldn't have to be the bigger person and initiate the conversation. I told her I wouldn't do it. I told her I would not assuage her guilt. I told her to grow a fucking pair and own up to what she had done if she couldn't bear the guilt anymore. I told her I would not help make this easier on her because she didn't deserve to have it made easier on her. Her boyfriend did not abuse her verbally or physically. Her boyfriend in fact supports her emotionally as well as physically. He also pays half of her bills as she can only work part time with her hectic college schedule. Her excuse for cheating on him was that she doesn't see him much because he works two jobs and they only get three nights a week together. His one job was enough to support him and have some extra to play on. He took on a second job so he could afford to help her because he thinks that after three years together that this is the girl he is going to marry one day. If he weren't paying her car payment, car insurance payment, helping pay her student loans and paying her part of the rent, he wouldn't even need a second job and thus they would have more time together. Since I refused to make her confession easier on her by being the bearer of bad news, she hasn't talked to me in almost a month now.
I've been sick the last few days but after 14 hours of medicated sleep (not consecutive, I woke up several times to take more medicine, drink some fluids and pass back out) I was awake for a while and not going back to sleep anytime soon. I propped up in my bed with my laptop and turned on a movie last night. I did something I hardly remember to do and signed into one of the instant messenger services I use. Within a couple minutes, she sent me an IM to see if I would change my mind. The "guilt is reaching unbearable levels" and she doesn't know how much longer she can handle agonizing over if he's cheating on her or not, if he secretly knows or not, etc etc etc. I told her again that I would not do it. She pleaded with me, telling me I was the only person who knew and that she couldn't believe I wouldn't help her in her desperate time of need. I told her I refused to be put in the middle of her mess and that I didn't care what kind of a guilt trip she pulled, I wasn't helping her out with this one. I said I was a bitch. I informed her that I already knew that but thanked her for the reminder, as if I needed one. She told me to fuck off and then signed off the messenger service.
Her boyfriend, while I think he's a great guy, isn't a friend of mine. I don't honestly care for him much and he doesn't care for me much. Though I can unbiasedly look at everything he's done for my friend and how well he treats her and say that he's not a bad guy. Just not someone I get along with. I do believe he deserves to know my friend cheated on him but I'm not going to be the one to tell him that. He loves her as much as any person can love another. He not only loves her but he cares deeply for her, adores and respects her. I know when she finally busts because she won't be able to stand it anymore, he's going to be crushed. I'm not going to be the one to crush and hurt him. I'm not going to make it easier on her just because she's too chickenshit to own up to her mistake fully. It's not my place to get in the middle of things going on in their relationship and be the one to tell him. No way, not going to happen.
Does that make me a bitch? Maybe. Depends on your perspective and where you stand on things. I don't think it makes me a bitch at all.
Do I care one way or another if anyone else thinks I'm being a bitch? Nope, not at all. =o) There's no way I'll be changing my mind, no matter what she says. She can't use any guilt trip because I don't feel the slightest bit guilty by refusing to give her an easier way out. I'm not easily swayed and I stand very strong in my decisions once I decide on something.
Now, back to my DayQuil and disgusting cough drops.
I've been sick the last few days but after 14 hours of medicated sleep (not consecutive, I woke up several times to take more medicine, drink some fluids and pass back out) I was awake for a while and not going back to sleep anytime soon. I propped up in my bed with my laptop and turned on a movie last night. I did something I hardly remember to do and signed into one of the instant messenger services I use. Within a couple minutes, she sent me an IM to see if I would change my mind. The "guilt is reaching unbearable levels" and she doesn't know how much longer she can handle agonizing over if he's cheating on her or not, if he secretly knows or not, etc etc etc. I told her again that I would not do it. She pleaded with me, telling me I was the only person who knew and that she couldn't believe I wouldn't help her in her desperate time of need. I told her I refused to be put in the middle of her mess and that I didn't care what kind of a guilt trip she pulled, I wasn't helping her out with this one. I said I was a bitch. I informed her that I already knew that but thanked her for the reminder, as if I needed one. She told me to fuck off and then signed off the messenger service.
Her boyfriend, while I think he's a great guy, isn't a friend of mine. I don't honestly care for him much and he doesn't care for me much. Though I can unbiasedly look at everything he's done for my friend and how well he treats her and say that he's not a bad guy. Just not someone I get along with. I do believe he deserves to know my friend cheated on him but I'm not going to be the one to tell him that. He loves her as much as any person can love another. He not only loves her but he cares deeply for her, adores and respects her. I know when she finally busts because she won't be able to stand it anymore, he's going to be crushed. I'm not going to be the one to crush and hurt him. I'm not going to make it easier on her just because she's too chickenshit to own up to her mistake fully. It's not my place to get in the middle of things going on in their relationship and be the one to tell him. No way, not going to happen.
Does that make me a bitch? Maybe. Depends on your perspective and where you stand on things. I don't think it makes me a bitch at all.
Do I care one way or another if anyone else thinks I'm being a bitch? Nope, not at all. =o) There's no way I'll be changing my mind, no matter what she says. She can't use any guilt trip because I don't feel the slightest bit guilty by refusing to give her an easier way out. I'm not easily swayed and I stand very strong in my decisions once I decide on something.
Now, back to my DayQuil and disgusting cough drops.
Happy Sunday y'all!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Come on feel the noise, girls rock your boys....
Friend: I know something is up with my boyfriend! I can find out if I nose around a little bit, I just know it. Urgh!! I am sooo mad right now I could just... urgh. I am gonna nose around when he is at the gym and the morning and then even more once he leaves for work.
Me: Don't snoop!
Friend: Why not? If he's being dishonest, I can nose around a little and find out what's going on and then confront him with it!
Me: No, if you think something is up just TALK TO HIM about it. Ask him and find out if he's up to no good or not. You say you can always tell when he's lying so...
Friend: Yeah but I dunno. I really would rather just nose around and see if he's being dishonest. I'll be so pissed if I find out he isn't being honest.
Me: Bad idea. What are you gonna do? Confront him about whatever you find, which may be nothing that you think is something. Then when he wants to know how you came up with things, you're gonna have to lie or have to tell him you snooped around in all his stuff and have him pissed off. Cut the bullshit and just talk.
Friend: Why would he be mad because I nose through his things? If I didn't think he was up to something, I wouldn't have done it in the first place!
Me: Seriously? Come on now. Do you have any proof of anything or just your theories?
Friend: No proof but..... shoot I dunno...
Me: Why do you think he's lying to you about where he's going and what he's doing then?
Friend: I dunno. Just a feeling. That's why I want to nose around his computer, his cell, his receipts and that stuff and like, you know, find out what he's been doing.
Me: What if you find "something" that you think is "something" and it turns out to be absofuckinglutely nothing at all? Then what? You're going to tell him you were just paranoid because you're insecure in your relationship so you thought the best way to go was by snooping through all his stuff?
Friend: You don't get it! URGH!
Me: Yeah? How would you react if you found out he hadn't trusted you over a period of time? Found out he read all your emails, grabbed your cell while you slept and read all your texts and checked your calls, got into your facebook and read your messages, plowed through your drawers looking for things, rifled through your bag looking for receipts and any little thing that might incriminate you?
Friend: OMG I would be pissed!!!!! That would be an invasion of my privacy plus I would be hurt that he went behind my back and did that because he didn't feel like he could talk to me.
Friend: Oh shit.
Me: EXACTLY.
Friend: Urgh! Why are you so against me finding out if he's being dishonest with me? What's your problem?
Me: I'm not against it! Geez. I just don't think snooping around is the best way to do it. It's dishonest and snooping only causes trouble more often than not. Plus you just fucking said how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. You know you shouldn't do it. If you think something is up, grab your metaphorical brass balls and go talk to him about it.
Friend: I know you're right but buh your way is harder :/
Me: Yeah but it's the better way to go. It might cause some problems but going behind his back and going through his stuff will cause more. Also, you don't know that anything you find is really something anyway so you'll be stressing yourself out, worrying over every little thing you see.
Friend: True! LOL So you wanna talk to him for me and see what's up?
Me: Oh shut the fuck up, lol.
Then we chatted on for a little while longer, mainly my friend trying to convince me I should try to chat her boyfriend up and feel him out to see if I can get him to slip up and let something go. I won't be doing that. They've been together a little over 5 years now. Around 8 months ago, she came very close to having an affair with one of her professors. For the last month, she's been reading into every little thing and is thinking her boyfriend is either cheating on her or up to no good some how. A couple weeks ago, I asked her if all her insecurities and suspicions might be conjured up from a guilty conscience since she did come very close to cheating physically with a professor. She said emotionally, she felt like she had already cheated because she was lying about class projects and other things to be able to spend more time with her professor. Getting to school early so they could spend time together before classes for the day started. Stuff like that. So, I brought forth the notion that she might be conjuring up her new found distrust in her boyfriend because she felt guilty or because she thought if she could do it, maybe he was doing it too. She got pissed off and said I was nuts. I still think my theory was sane and logical but whatever. I hope she gets things worked out and soon. I also hope she talks to him instead of running around snooping and stressing herself out in the process.
Anyway... =)
Tonight my Stars play the San Jose Sharks. I switched shifts with a girl at work so I could be off tonight to watch the game. I normally DVR the ones I miss because of work and watch them later but I really want to see this one. =) So, I asked a girl to work my shift tonight and in turn, I'm working her shift Tuesday night. Woohoo. GO STARS!
I spent too much money on music today, lol. Well, not really. I spent $48 for 5 CD's so that's not too bad at all. What's the point of working all the time if I can't buy some stuff I want when I have the extra money too? ;)
"So Long" by Stereoside.
Me: Don't snoop!
Friend: Why not? If he's being dishonest, I can nose around a little and find out what's going on and then confront him with it!
Me: No, if you think something is up just TALK TO HIM about it. Ask him and find out if he's up to no good or not. You say you can always tell when he's lying so...
Friend: Yeah but I dunno. I really would rather just nose around and see if he's being dishonest. I'll be so pissed if I find out he isn't being honest.
Me: Bad idea. What are you gonna do? Confront him about whatever you find, which may be nothing that you think is something. Then when he wants to know how you came up with things, you're gonna have to lie or have to tell him you snooped around in all his stuff and have him pissed off. Cut the bullshit and just talk.
Friend: Why would he be mad because I nose through his things? If I didn't think he was up to something, I wouldn't have done it in the first place!
Me: Seriously? Come on now. Do you have any proof of anything or just your theories?
Friend: No proof but..... shoot I dunno...
Me: Why do you think he's lying to you about where he's going and what he's doing then?
Friend: I dunno. Just a feeling. That's why I want to nose around his computer, his cell, his receipts and that stuff and like, you know, find out what he's been doing.
Me: What if you find "something" that you think is "something" and it turns out to be absofuckinglutely nothing at all? Then what? You're going to tell him you were just paranoid because you're insecure in your relationship so you thought the best way to go was by snooping through all his stuff?
Friend: You don't get it! URGH!
Me: Yeah? How would you react if you found out he hadn't trusted you over a period of time? Found out he read all your emails, grabbed your cell while you slept and read all your texts and checked your calls, got into your facebook and read your messages, plowed through your drawers looking for things, rifled through your bag looking for receipts and any little thing that might incriminate you?
Friend: OMG I would be pissed!!!!! That would be an invasion of my privacy plus I would be hurt that he went behind my back and did that because he didn't feel like he could talk to me.
Friend: Oh shit.
Me: EXACTLY.
Friend: Urgh! Why are you so against me finding out if he's being dishonest with me? What's your problem?
Me: I'm not against it! Geez. I just don't think snooping around is the best way to do it. It's dishonest and snooping only causes trouble more often than not. Plus you just fucking said how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. You know you shouldn't do it. If you think something is up, grab your metaphorical brass balls and go talk to him about it.
Friend: I know you're right but buh your way is harder :/
Me: Yeah but it's the better way to go. It might cause some problems but going behind his back and going through his stuff will cause more. Also, you don't know that anything you find is really something anyway so you'll be stressing yourself out, worrying over every little thing you see.
Friend: True! LOL So you wanna talk to him for me and see what's up?
Me: Oh shut the fuck up, lol.
Then we chatted on for a little while longer, mainly my friend trying to convince me I should try to chat her boyfriend up and feel him out to see if I can get him to slip up and let something go. I won't be doing that. They've been together a little over 5 years now. Around 8 months ago, she came very close to having an affair with one of her professors. For the last month, she's been reading into every little thing and is thinking her boyfriend is either cheating on her or up to no good some how. A couple weeks ago, I asked her if all her insecurities and suspicions might be conjured up from a guilty conscience since she did come very close to cheating physically with a professor. She said emotionally, she felt like she had already cheated because she was lying about class projects and other things to be able to spend more time with her professor. Getting to school early so they could spend time together before classes for the day started. Stuff like that. So, I brought forth the notion that she might be conjuring up her new found distrust in her boyfriend because she felt guilty or because she thought if she could do it, maybe he was doing it too. She got pissed off and said I was nuts. I still think my theory was sane and logical but whatever. I hope she gets things worked out and soon. I also hope she talks to him instead of running around snooping and stressing herself out in the process.
Anyway... =)
Tonight my Stars play the San Jose Sharks. I switched shifts with a girl at work so I could be off tonight to watch the game. I normally DVR the ones I miss because of work and watch them later but I really want to see this one. =) So, I asked a girl to work my shift tonight and in turn, I'm working her shift Tuesday night. Woohoo. GO STARS!
I spent too much money on music today, lol. Well, not really. I spent $48 for 5 CD's so that's not too bad at all. What's the point of working all the time if I can't buy some stuff I want when I have the extra money too? ;)
"So Long" by Stereoside.
Happy Monday!!!!!
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