Dying is hard...

Anyone who has read my blog for long enough knows I love and adore my grandparents and have been lucky to have them as such a big role in my life. If you know that then you know about my grandmother's battles with heart issues and breast cancer and likely also know that my grandfather has been through a lot in the last decade between cancer and a plethora of other things. I haven't talked in detail about it more than saying he's getting worse in the last several months.

Basically, he's not doing well at all. He doesn't remember where he is most of the time. He hallucinates a lot, seeing and hearing a lot that isn't there. He's got a lot of issues going on that I just feel are too private to get into but his health has deteriorated a lot over the past few months. Last week, after a trip to the hospital after a series of seizures, the doctor told us his body was just starting to shut down. Renal failure, fluid slowly building up in his lungs and some other things. They say anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks is probably all he has left. I know a lot of people will say he'll go when he's ready but I think he's afraid of leaving my grandmother alone. When he remembers who she is, that is. Alzheimer's is a bitch. I don't know why he hasn't gone yet but I know he's not going to win this battle much longer.

It's hard to think of him in his current state. I've seen him sick and in a hospital so many times and so many times he's beat out what was trying to take over. He's not doing that now and I know it's because he's old. Hell, he's not too far from 90. And honestly, I feel lucky he's lived passed so many things and been here for as long as he has.

I know I'm lucky. And as I always say, I know I'm lucky that he's been around and been an active part of my life. I know to think about good times, blah blah blah. Like I also so, I'm allowed to be sad and remembering all the happy times doesn't always make it hurt any less. Sometimes, it does the opposite.

I have great memories of him, though. Any time my grandma was going to get on to us for something, as long as it wasn't something bad, he usually just told her to let us alone because we were just being kids. He would sit outside and watch us climb trees, help us out when we needed it. Push us in swings. Watch us play basketball and sometimes even do that with us. He was always there with a sharp comment that made me laugh or something insightful that maybe didn't always make sense at the time but always sunk in later. I'll always remember when he said The Boyfriend needed a haircut and to get and keep a good job otherwise he wasn't good enough for me. I remember it didn't take long after that for him to tell The Boyfriend that he didn't worry about me being with him because he knew that he would always watch out for me. My grandpa doesn't think I need protecting or someone to take care of me but he didn't want me to have a man that was going to try to take advantage of me in any way either. Plus, he's just old fashioned that way.

Grandpa didn't often say a lot, though when he got in the mood to talk he was always funny and sharp witted. He had a way of being brutally honest that I always admired and I think in part that's where I learned to be that way from. He didn't say things just to be mean, he said them because that's the way he saw something and why beat around the bush about it?

It's hard to think of him as I always have and see him as he is now. The contrast in the two realities is hard because one is how he was and one is how he is now. Sometimes, sickness and disease wear a person down until they're just a shadow of the person they used to be. That hurts. It feels like you've had that person taken away from you when they're still there physically. I've wondered lately, while he's in the final stages of his Alzheimer's, how that must feel. He's lived in the same house since my mom was a child. How must it feel to sometimes not recognize those things that were once so familiar? To lose parts of yourself piece by piece. To start acting in ways you never have before and then not remember it happening. There's so much to it and honestly, I hope I never know how any of that feels. I would hate to lose myself and my life piece by piece, remembering it in waves until eventually there's more nothing than anything else.

I feel bad for my grandmother, too. It has to hurt more for her to go through this with him every single day. And like I said, there's a lot of stuff I'm leaving out because it's personal and doesn't belong here. Or anywhere besides in words spoken between my family and thoughts that aren't spoken of again. I know it's been hard and at times scary for her. I also know it's going to be hard for her to part with someone she's spent the last 6 decades with. She's been in denial for so many months now, just thinking more tests and more treatments can fix it. My mom told me grandma told her the other night that she's accepting it or at least trying to but it's hard to wrap her mind around the fact that he's not going to be here much longer.

Last year, I was at that place where I felt selfish for wanting him to get better so we all could have him around longer and then felt a little cold for just hoping he'd pass soon so he could stop hurting. Right now? The way he's living isn't how anyone should have to live. Life isn't fair, though. So all I hope for is that he'll pass soon.

Every time my mom sends me a text or I see her name pop up on my caller ID, I just feel a knot tighten in my stomach and I always hold my breath for a few seconds. I don't even tend to realize I'm doing it until I exhale. Even though I want him to pass, I'm still not really ready for it. I think even when you know it's coming, you still can't ever get ready for it. You can accept that it's going to happen and accept that it will be sometime soon but there's not a way to get ready for it. It's not like going on a trip or planning for some event that you can control more.

I have promised myself one thing. That after he does die, I won't drive myself crazy thinking of all the times I could have visited or called when I didn't. I could think of a hundred instances where I could have done more or said more but I will not let guilt or anger for what I didn't do get to me. I have done that before and it just makes it hurt worse. So, I promise myself I'm not going to do that with him. I think at the end, no matter how much time you spent, you'll always feel like it was never enough and you can't let that eat away at you. You can't make up lost time but you can make sure they know what they mean and how you feel about them.

You don't really wanna mess with me tonight...

Some of my friends used to send me text messages earlier in the morning knowing that I went to bed late. Last year, I had some friends who would text me at 5 AM, 6 AM and other early morning times because they were bored at work and wanted to chit chat. Never mind that I had only gotten off work at 2 AM, gotten home by 3 AM, showered, relaxed and passed out sometime between 4 AM and 5 AM. I had plenty of friends that would text me ridiculously early. It almost always woke me up and annoyed the fuck out of me. Or if it didn't wake me up, my phone went off and annoyed other people in the house.

I know what you're thinking. The simple solution would be to turn my cell off or at least put it on silent, right? I couldn't because my cell phone is the only phone people can get a hold of me on. When I lived in California, we didn't have a house phone. I just had my cell phone. So if my boyfriend/family or friends in Texas had to get a hold of me for an emergency or something important that required me to wake up (which did happen) I never would have waken up because it wouldn't make a sound on silent. Living in Texas, I do have a house phone but we don't get long distance so my family only has my cell to get a hold of me on. My family that lives in Texas also only has my cell number. Given it's not my house and not my phone, I don't give out the number for people to call me on. So, the only way to reach me is my cell phone and I cannot turn it off because of that. I'd feel like shit if something happened and no one could reach me until hours later because I was asleep and my phone was off.

So, I dealt with the annoyance of certain friends texting me far too early in the morning. I reminded my friends and hoped they would remember not to text or call that early because our schedules clashed, blah blah blah. I asked, I reminded, I was polite about it. For months. When it still kept happening, I devised a plan.

Knowing that they went to bed early, since they had to get up early for work or school, I would wait until midnight or later depending on the person and start texting or calling them. I'd wake them up in the middle of their slumber and annoy them, just as they had been doing to me. I would always say something like, "Oh I was bored at work/bored after work but oh, that's right, I'm waking you up because you get up early and don't stay up this late." Or, "I figure if you can call and wake me up, you wouldn't mind if I did the same." Oops. Maybe next time you're bored in class/at work at 5 AM, you'll remember to text someone who didn't just go to sleep an hour or so ago.

A few times of me texting/calling these friends late at night, disturbing their slumber and annoying them pretty much cured me of my problem. Some it took a few more times than others but within a month of my delicate little hints, they finally got the picture and stopped bugging me so early in the morning.

Last summer is when I decided to finally get back at them and do what was being done to me. Now, absolutely no one texts or calls me early as hell in the morning just because they're bored and want someone to chit chat with. Victory is mine. =)

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Love this song. =) I'm not into the majority of pop music or the majority of the crap that comes on the radio. I LOVE P!nk though. I can relate to so many of her songs and she doesn't annoy the living hell out of me like most pop singers do. This song cracks me up because it reminds me of so many nights out in clubs and bars back when I was still single. Though usually I was out with guy friends since I never have had many girl friends but I digress. My point is, I love this song. And P!nk too. Yum.

Happy Thursday!

Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes ...

*^ Click to play! ^*
Questions By: Another Suburban Mom


1. If your boss says, "I would like to talk to you about your internet usage" what would your first reaction be?

I'd tell him to piss off. I make drinks for a living and the only computer I use at work is the one to ring orders in to which has nothing to do with the interwebs. Internet usage would be a personal subject that wouldn't be discussed between us at work, lol.


2. If you SO asks you "Does this make me look fat?" how do you answer?

My boyfriend never asks me that question! Lol.

I've personally NEVER asked that question, not even once. I hate questions like that. If you want to fish for a compliment for whatever reason, why not ask, "Don't you think this dress looks rockin' on me babe?" I just don't get it. Anyway...

I've never dated a guy who has asked me that. I'd probably say, "No, it's your beer belly that makes the shirt look fat."


3. What is one thing that you pay for, but resent having to do so?

Nothing really. I thought on this for several minutes and couldn't think of anything.


4. A day is being created in honor of you. How should we celebrate it?

First, we sleep in until about noon and then we watch hockey while having margaritas and Mexican food. Then we go to do something outside like maybe swimming or play a baseball game. Then we have a 4 to 5 hour movie marathon with a comedy followed by a fast paced action flick. Then there shall be rum, loud music, pizza, billiards, dancing and hot naked women doing what hot naked women do. Then sex and blissful slumber for all to end the day.

Though I just realized, this is generally how I celebrate my birthday, lol. Just added a bit more since hockey isn't going during my birthday and I don't ever do the movie marathon. The rest is pretty much how I like my birthday celebration to go, bwa ha ha.


5. What CD or Album in your music collection do you secretly enjoy, but would be embarrassed if others heard you grooving to it?

Nothing. Not everyone is going to like what I like just as I don't like everything they like. I don't feel shame in liking something I get enjoyment out of, even if it's Flo Rida, a Britney Spears song or a song by a long lost 80's band. I like what I like and don't get embarrassed by anything I listen to.


6. How long do you think you would last if you were a contestant on Survivor?

I don't watch that show. I wouldn't want to be on it though, I don't think. I'll do a lot of things for money but reality shows aren't on that list weirdly enough. I doubt I'd last long. I'd probably lose on purpose just to escape the drama. I'm not a people person despite being outgoing and I totally would miss my warm showers and sex with someone who doesn't smell like a foot or worse.

I've had this song stuck in my since I heard it yesterday. You ever hear a song and it just hits you deeply the first time you listen to it? I heard this song the first time yesterday. I think they released it on Monday actually, lol. So I listened to it yesterday and it clicked with a lot of thoughts in my head. It was like a connecting thing where it just slammed into my thoughts and it's not a sad song really but it made me sad at first. I can't explain it how I mean it so I'm not going to try. I like the song a lot. I love Chester Bennington's voice too. I just realized how old I was when I first started listening to Linkin Park and holy shit, I was jailbait when I started listening to them.



I had to stop listening to them for a short time. When my friend Stace died when I was 18, I couldn't listen to LP without thinking of her and thinking of her just made me sad because she died so young and so senselessly. I wrote a post about her once. I don't remember if it's here or the old blog. She was such a huge LP fan though. She was almost obsessed with them and I linked them with her because she was the only friend I had who was really into them like I was. Actually, she was more into them than I was. After she died from being hit by a drunk driver, I had a hard time listening to them because it would remind me of her. Then I would remember she wouldn't ever hear them again and wouldn't ever have another fun memory doing another thing again. Which also reminded me her young daughter had to grow up not knowing her amazing mother. Yeah, I stopped listening to LP for about a year because I didn't like thinking about her.

I can listen to them now and it doesn't always make me think of Stace. Sometimes it does though and when it does, it makes me a little sad and a little angry but then I'm okay and I just enjoy the music for what it is without emotionally tripping over things.

Happy Wednesday!

If your darkness blinds me I could never be more lost....

He's going to the doctor today. Poor boy. He did go to work yesterday and put in 5 hours. He sounded damn awful when I talked to him last night. Hopefully it's nothing that won't be done with a few days of antibiotics. I told him he should start taking vitamins, haha. =)

Thursday, my Stars played the Detroit Red Wings at Joe Louis Arena in "Hockey Town" Detroit. I had to work, like every single Thursday night since July of 2008 when I started this job, lol. I sing the praise of the wonderful invention known as the DVR. I fucking love being able to record games I would otherwise miss due to being at work. I always wear a Stars shirt under my work shirt when I'm working on a game night, lol. They're mostly thin cotton so it doesn't make much of a difference. I know it's there and that's all that matters. And yes, I have several Stars shirts. Would you expect anything less? C'mon now.

So, I got home from work, got some laundry started and then put the game on. =) OH MY FUCKING GOSH it was a GREAT game AND we fucking WON. Detroit, I will give it to them, is a fantastic team. My insane dislike of them is because they are such a good team. I love when we play them though. It's always an exciting and physical game. Thursday's game was no exception and again, I love you DVR. It's one of the best games I've seen in a while. Too bad my Stars that played last night haven't been there all season long, we would be doing a hell of a lot better in the standings. We're catching up though y'all so watch out. =D

I usually like to take my own food to work to eat on my lunch break. We have a huge ass menu of food we serve and there are things not on the menu that employees make with the stuff we have back there. I get sick of eating at work. It's not the best food around in terms of being good for you and as far as being filling? It works and it's not bad. It's rather good but I'd prefer to take something from my own kitchen and then just warm it up at work and eat something better. =D So yesterday, I was standing in the kitchen at home waiting for my white rice to finish cooking and decided to cut an apple into slices to go along with the chicken and rice I was taking with me. I was cutting the seeds out of the slices and then I was suddenly thinking about the million and one times I spent at my grandparents house. Which reminded me of all the apples I'd eaten there. Which got me thinking about the seeds my grandmother always let us run outside and bury not so strategically around their yard. I was convinced I was going to grow a hundred apple trees in their small yard and nothing was convincing me otherwise. So we would save up the seeds and then when I had what I deemed to be an ample amount, outside I went and found a place for them to go into the ground. With my grandpa usually supervising me and 22 as we dug up the ground and tossed in the seeds. We would worry over it for a few days, checking to see if anything was happening yet and then we would forget about the seeds more often than not. Until the next time there were apples and seeds to be had, then we would ask and be told that our apple seeds hadn't produced anything. Never deterred, more went into the ground. I stood there smiling as I remembered how amused my grandparents were over us planting all kinds of seeds in their yard and expecting things to pop up overnight. I have a lot of awesome memories with my grandparents. 22 and I spent a lot of time there when we were younger and they also visited our house often. I'm lucky to have so many great memories with them.

The best part of flying home to visit during Thanksgiving last year was hanging out at my grandparents house for hours. We ate first at my boyfriends mom's house with his mom, sister and grandmother. Then it was off to my grandparents. I had told them we already ate a couple hours prior. The first thing my grandmother said to me as we got into the door was that I better be ready to eat again because it wouldn't be right otherwise. I laughed and said that would be fine. In fact, I didn't eat much at my my guys mom's house because I knew my grandmother wouldn't be happy if I didn't eat something there.

When my boyfriend walked in, my grandma didn't recognize him for a few seconds. My boyfriend used to have long hair and lots of facial hair. With his current job, he cut his hair very short and his facial hair is very tame and business like. The first words my grandmother said were, "I didn't recognize you at first! Look there, you're a handsome boy without all that hair and scruff in the way!" Then the proceeded to ooh and ahh over just how handsome he was. Then she told me, "You're lucky I'm not another 50 years younger. If I was, I'd give you a run for your money with this one here." My boyfriend laughed and blushed. I busted out in laughter and my aunt and cousin died laughing too. She told me a few times that night how lucky I was she was an old woman. It was hilarious. She also ooh-ed and ahh-ed several more times about how good looking Boyfriend was "all cleaned up" which was so cute and amusing to me. Especially when he heard it and blushed a little. He blushes and chuckles when someone compliments him on how he looks. ;) My grandfather also told him he looked much better cleaned up. Told him he looked like a business man and asked if he was taking care of his business. My boyfriend laughed and said he was, my grandfather grinned and patted him on the shoulder. Later on in the night when we gathering things up to get going home, my guy was saying goodbye to my grandpa. Grandpa rested his hand on Boyfriend's shoulder and told Boyfriend that he'd be just fine having him as a part in the family some day. I thought that was the sweetest damn thing ever. My grandpa doesn't say much but when he does, it's very worth hearing. I think Boyfriend was quite surprised by that statement and honestly, so was I. I never even heard how Boyfriend replied to that because I was just that surprised by the statement. I knew they liked him but that was really great. =)

Okay so I saw this video over on Vixen's place and HAD to post it here. I'm not a PETA fan at all. I'm not a vegetarian either. Sorry, I like chicken too much for that, nom nom nom. This commercial is too hot for the Super Bowl (haha) and NBC rejected it. So, you won't be seeing this one during the Super Bowl commercials and of course, if you're at work I'd save it for later because it's probably NSFW. It's got hot half naked chicks in it doing bad things with vegetables. Like I said, leave it alone while you're at work, lol. Though I like the commercial and it makes me giggle, I can totally see why NBC would reject it during Super Bowl play. I can't imagine a lot of parents who want their kiddos seeing that, let alone explaining to their kiddos what's going on. I know people say there is worse coming on TV and that's true but still. Click here for the blog about it, that was interesting to read and I admit, I got a kick out of some of the comments too. =D


'Veggie Love': PETA's Banned Super Bowl Ad

HAPPY FRIDAY Y'ALL!