Raw HNT

I sit alone in the only room I can get peace and quiet. I sit in the dim light, letting my mind wander about. Such a dangerous thing to do. My back pressed tightly against the solid surface of the wall behind me, I close my eyes and try to feel calm and peace. Instead, I feel alone. Eyes shut, I fight to keep the pictures from dancing through my head. Thinking and feeling is enough, I don't want to see as well.

I can almost feel you there. I wish I could feel your soft belly pressing in to my back as you pull me close to you,wrapping your arms around me, holding me tightly to you. I used to complain those times that you held me too tightly. Back up a little and give me some room, I would say. I'd hear the quiet, subtle change in your voice as you moved away an inch or so. I often wondered if my doing that made you feel rejected. Unwanted. Unnecessary. If I ever made you feel that way, I apologize. It was never my intention to make you feel anything like that.

I wish you were holding me. I wish I had you running your hands gently through my hair. Leaving small, gentle kisses on my cheeks, beck, jaw, and shoulders. Rubbing your hands up and down my arms causing my skin to tingle and seemingly take on life.

I sit alone, lost inside my own head. I miss you and wish you were near. I'm sorry for all the times I have ever push you away from me. You are wanted. You are needed. You are very much a necessary part in my life. You are my ears when I need someone to listen. When no one else will listen and when no one else will understand, I know I have you. You will listen without judgment or prejudice. When I need someone to lean on, you are the broad shoulders and solid frame that I know can hold me up through anything. When I cry, you are the one I can cry in front of without feeling like a child, like an imbecile. You are the one who wipes away my tears and hugs me until I quiet. You are the one who will not tell me everything will be alright but tell me that we will fix whatever it is and get through it. You are the one who I can be naked with and feel comfortable with in my flaws. You are the one who can see me raw and emotional. More exposed than I could ever be physically, all my emotions rushing forth and I don't feel embarrassed for it. You don't judge, you don't laugh. You help and you support. You laugh at my silly jokes and you think all of my weird little quirks are cute. You tell me I'm smart and that I'm interesting. You accept me as I am with the good, the bad and the worse. You believe in me in a way that no one else does.

You are my here and now. You are my future. You are my best friend. You are my lover. You are my soul mate. I care for you more than you know. You mean more to me than even I knew until today. I didn't believe in true and lasting love before. Now, I do and I have that in you. You are the one for me that I thought couldn't possibly exist. You are my everything. I love you.





Happy
Thursday.