Soul searching...

I was hanging out with my friend at Starbucks yesterday and we were looking over some books and talking about one in particular we mutually love. I was talking and laughing and smiling, which is what I do. A lot. He remarked that he doesn't know anyone who smiles and laughs more than I do. He says I'm so refreshing to be around because I'm so often just laid back and happy.

I laughed and told him a year ago, he would have hated to be around me. Two or three years ago, he would have hated to be around me. I wasn't so laid back. I wasn't so easy to get along with. I wasn't happy most of the time.

I'm the happiest I've ever been in life. I was so miserable and unhappy for so much of my life and my biggest issue was wanting to be happy but not really knowing what to do to get there. My biggest problem was myself. I was so hard on myself about everything. I won't get into it all here because it's more personal than even I want to get. I also had quite a few issues to deal with that I had kept held in and pushed down for far too long.

In January this year, I was looking at myself in the mirror one day. I had been crying so hard that I'd ended up throwing up until I was dry heaving. I had mascara and eyeliner dried up all over my face. Swollen eyes from all that crying. I wanted to scream at the girl looking back at me to stop being such a fucking mess.

In May, same thing on a different day. That time, for some reason, was different. I don't know why, I just know it felt different. I wasn't sure what to do but I knew I couldn't keep going on like I had been. I shuffled off to the bedroom and laid down in bed, turning the Pandora app on my phone on. A song came on and two parts of the song really hit me.

"If we're gonna make this work, you gotta let me inside even though it hurts. Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see."

"Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be, you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me."

Those lines really hit me hard and got me thinking. The song is about love between a couple, but it got me thinking about so much more than that. I started doing a lot of soul searching. I started thinking about why I was unhappy, what was hurting me, what was stressing me out. A few things, I couldn't change. A lot of things, I could address and deal with. I stopped stuffing my emotions down when I felt a certain way. I let myself cry when I felt like crying instead of pushing it back and letting myself get angry over whatever I was going to cry about.

By July, I was feeling better about myself. I felt lighter. I felt like a lot of baggage had been lifted because really, it had. I wasn't sleeping more than I needed to. I wasn't ignoring text messages and phone calls from friends. I wasn't crying on a regular basis. I wasn't mentally beating myself up. I was improving and growing.

By mid-September, I was even better. I had dealt with a lot of things, come to terms with some things, truly let go of some toxic people that needed to not be a part of my life and learned how to take it easy on myself. I forgave myself for things I had blamed myself for for far too long. I did so much soul searching and so much emotional and mental purging that it was exhausting at times, lol.

It's October now and I've still got some shit to work out. I still have a few things in my life that I'm not satisfied with but that I'm working to change. I know there will always be little things here and there but some of what's left are things that can be fixed, that need to be fixed. And they will be. I've changed in a lot of ways but I'm still the same girl. I've just grown, a lot. I've become the person that I wanted to be, that I knew I could be, if I just had the strength to overcome things and be that girl.

I wake up and don't ever contemplate staying in bed all day anymore.

I haven't laid on the floor or laid in bed sobbing in months now.

I haven't had an anxiety attack in 2 months and haven't had to take any medication for anxiety in 2 months.

I haven't looked in the mirror and disliked the person I saw looking back at me in months.

I don't have much to my name. I'm still trying to get on track financially from being unemployed for almost a year. I'm still struggling to keep my head above water with some things but I don't let it stress me out as much anymore. I still have some work to do and some improvements to make and I still struggle with not holding all my feelings and stuff in; but I'm doing better and will keep doing better.



I took this picture yesterday at some point in the evening. I was tired, my make-up was messed up, my hair was a mess but you know what? It's the first picture I've taken of myself in months where I'm actually smiling and look happy. :)

It hasn't been easy getting here but I'm damn happy for the most part. It makes everything in my way, everything that I still need to work through and other road blocks that pop up out of no where so much easier to look at and deal with.

Happy Tuesday!