Dear alcohol, drugs & pain, make me better please?

I love that I can have a drink or two or three now and not feel the need to keep going until I’m smashed. Since I started drinking as a teenager, I’ve always drank to get drunk. Sure, I enjoyed the way a lot of it tasted but I was drinking for the effects. To feel happy, to feel numb. So, I drank until I was happy then I drank until I was numb and for the night, I felt better. Which is why I drank so often. I wanted those feelings as much as I could get them and that was the only way I ever felt good. Outwardly, I seemed mostly okay. As a teenager, I think a lot of people just assumed it was normal teenage angst bullshit. Normal growing pains. Just... normal shit most teens go through. I remember a few times saying I had issues and being told I didn't. That I was going through what everyone went through. I wanted to scream about how I doubted everyone laid in bed at night thinking of ways to die. I doubt everyone laid in bed at night, every night, crying. Crying because they were sad, hurting, felt alone and hated who they were. I doubt everyone took showers so hot that they're skin burned and turned red because they embraced being in pain because pain was easier to deal with then sadness, loneliness, self loathing and other things. I doubt everyone else abused Nyquil and other medications they found in the house so they could sleep or so they could feel better mentally and emotionally. And I doubt everyone else used razorblades and knives to cut their skin up because again, physical pain is easier to deal with. I still have some scars on my thighs and legs from some of the cuts I made when I was a teenager. I did them in places no one would see them because I didn't want attention from it. I just wanted the adrenaline rush that came first followed by the pain that came second.

Yeah, I wasn't going through normal shit but I didn't feel like I could ever tell anyone either. So after the first time I got drunk as a teenager, I found something better than causing myself pain to escape how miserable I felt. Sadly, I still cut until my very early twenties. I digress. I drank to feel good. I loved the burn of taking shots the best and never chased them with anything. Except maybe another shot. A little bit of pain along with the pleasant fuzziness that would soon follow with enough shots.

I started smoking weed as a teenager, too. It was just another way for me to feel better. I always felt content and relaxed when I was high. I didn't feel content or relaxed any other time. I used other drugs, too. I did ecstasy. I popped Xanax bars and other muscle relaxers and anti-depressants. I did cocaine. I drank. I got high. I did anything to feel better.

Then, it got to a point where I could do all the drugs I wanted and drink until I was hammered and it still wasn't enough. That's when I was most afraid for myself. I was so reckless. I did some really stupid things. I just didn't care about myself. I thought about asking for help so many times. I cried and screamed. I sobbed and laid in the floor curled up like a little shaking ball of misery more nights than I care to remember. I just wanted to feel better but I just couldn't bring myself to ask for help. I was afraid that I'd be told I'd need it. I was afraid I'd get it and still not be able to fix whatever was wrong with me more.

I quit doing drugs after one night where I mixed too much shit together. After that night, one of my best friends at the time made me flush every ounce of weed I had. He made me get rid of the little bit of cocaine I had and all the pills, too. I cried and sobbed. I yelled at him. I punched him. He dealt with me acting like a brat for over an hour until I finally got rid of everything.

I kicked the drug habit but I kept drinking. And since I had gotten rid of doing drugs, I started drinking more. And more. And more. I could have 20 shots of something strong and still be standing. Still remember everything I'd done the next day. Not be hungover because I never get hangovers. I could drink dangerous amounts of liquor and then go home and pass out. Then do it again the next day.

People around me knew I had a problem. I knew I had a problem. Some people in my life reached out to me. There was a little intervention of sorts. I don't remember the point of that honestly other than getting me to acknowledge my drinking problem and getting me to acknowledge that I was miserable and loathed the person that I was. And that I was so very lost, confused and quite miserable. And that I often felt like the world would be a better place without me in it. Mission accomplished, I admitted all of that and probably more. I still didn't seek help, though I should have. I had other issues, too. I had PTSD from being in an armed robbery and refused to deal with any of that and hid in a bottle from that, too. I had a lot going on in my head and I tried to just drown it all with booze.

In July of 2009, I moved in with my boyfriend after having been together for 3 years already at that point. He put up with a lot from me. He helped me so much. I moved back home to Texas from California and I started really working on myself. I wanted to be happy. I had never truly been happy, not really. I'd go for days or weeks where I'd be fine or think I felt fine but I wasn't.

The turning point for me was going to a graduation ceremony. My boyfriend's friend was graduating the police academy. One of the officers at the ceremony gave the most amazing speech I've ever heard in my life. It was inspiring and I had to fight so hard not to sit there and bawl my eyes out. It was incredibly inspiring to me and at the same time, it was a huge slap in the face to get myself fixed. So, after that, I wrote down the things he had said that had touched me the most. I read them and used them. I started working through my issues. I started talking to my boyfriend more about some things. I started talking to a couple of my closest friends about things, too. I read a couple books and talked to a friend's aunt a few times because she's a therapist. I couldn't see her professionally because I didn't have the money to. She talked to me plenty of times and helped me figure out the ways to work out a few things I needed to. The rest, I figured out myself.

In the last year, I've worked a lot of shit out, made changes, done things differently and overall? It hasn't been easy and at times, I've wanted to just give in and go crawl back into a bottle. Or go grab a knife from the kitchen and cut into my skin. I wouldn't give in to anything. I was determined I'd get over my shit and get on with life and be happy about it dammit, lol. And, I did. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life right now.

I can drink now just because I enjoy the taste of something or just because I want to have a few drinks. I don’t drink for the effects getting drunk offered. I’m happy now without the aid of booze. About a year and a half ago, I'd want a drink to feel good but now? I don't want or need liquor to feel good. I don’t ever feel so alone or sad or desperate that I want to drink to feel good and then keep drinking until I just feel numb. Now, I can have a few drinks and feel good because I enjoy a good drink. I can have a few drinks without having 12 or more. I can get a pleasant buzz going and just enjoy that. I don't feel the need, the desperation, to drink and drink until I feel happy and then numb. I can just enjoy without going to that place. I can have a drink and be okay because I’m not using alcohol to escape and feel better for a night. And that's all it was; a temporary escape for a few hours. No substance I abused and no method of physical pain did anything but give me a distraction, an escape. It was only temporary and I hid within all of those distractions for far too long.

I'm proud of myself for being able to have the strength to do what I needed to do. I'm still working on some issues I have. Hell, who doesn't have some shit they need to work through honestly? It's nothing too major, though. I'm getting myself on track and doing what I need to do to have the kind of life I want to have. It's not always easy but I just tell myself every damn day I start to doubt myself that it will be worth it. That I can do it and that I just need to believe in myself.

Happy Tuesday.

Good news & more!

Thank you to the people that have donated something to the Toys for Tots fundraiser. If you haven't and want to, there's still time to get a donation in! :) Every little bit helps. $3 or $5 isn't much but it will buy something. The post stuck on the top of the blog is updated with pictures of the toys I went and got with my money and a little detail on what I spent and how much the items cost. It really doesn't take much. :) And if you don't donate to my fundraiser, it's never too late to find a good cause and do a little good for someone else. :)

I'm not feeling so well today. Actually, the last few days I haven't been feeling so well but I've been taking some stuff so hopefully that helps combat this cold or whatever the fuck it is.

I have some good news from the work front. I'm a supervisor now. I'm also going to be coordinating events and helping with promotions and marketing. Yes, that comes with more pay. I wouldn't take on more work and responsibility without getting paid more. That would be dumb. Also on the good news front, the Boyfriend and I should be able to move out and back into our own place sometime in January. Hopefully. I cannot wait. I miss having my own place and I seriously dislike so much about my living situation currently. I can hang another month or two. :D Also, I'm thinking I might have things in order enough to start classes back up next Spring. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing. And keep being patient, which isn't always easy for me, lol.

The Stars play the Carolina Hurricanes tonight. They have won the last 3 (one against the Senators and 2 against the Blues) games they've played so hopefully they keep the winning streak alive and beat the Canes tonight. Which reminds me! I had to go in to Wal-Mart a few nights ago after work. I went to the one right by my job instead of waiting and going to the one closer to my house. The one close to work is in a nicer neighborhood, lol. I digress. I live in Dallas. I was walking by the clothes section on my way to a different section and some Stars pajamas caught my eye. I went to look and you know what else I saw?



Canes pajama bottoms in a Dallas Wal-Mart? WTF? And it's not like they had other teams besides the Stars and the Canes bottoms. The Stars bottoms make total sense. The Canes? Don't get it. They also have Cowboys, Mavs and Longhorns apparel over there, too. Which made sense since they're all Texas teams. Canes bottoms made me chuckle and shake my head. I posted it on Tumblr and amused several people there. Maybe there's a huge secret Canes following in North Dallas? Doubtful. The Wal-Mart by my house doesn't have any Canes bottoms or any apparel by non-Texas teams. Anyway, back to the game tonight. Dallas is currently in FIRST place in the Pacific Division. Third place in the Western Conference. And 11th overall in the league. Kickass. It's so close in points, though. Also, still early in the season and too early to be getting excited about that. They just need to keep winning and keep stacking the points on. Sounds like a good idea to me. GO STARS!

Moving on.

This made me chuckle....



I love the "Won't Mom be so proud?" bit at the end. Awesomeness.

I know I have some e-mails to tend to. If you're waiting on a reply from me for something or have e-mailed me recently, I'll get to it soon. I had a crazy busy weekend and this week is shaping up to be pretty damn busy, too. :) Which is great. I love being busy and having a lot to do.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and a good weekend!

Happy Monday!

I'm thankful for...

It's Thanksgiving Day!

The Boyfriend has to work today so bummer there.

I don't usually do these types of posts but I'm going to do a post on what I'm thankful for. :) It might seem cliche to do but whatever. There's nothing wrong with doing a little tribute to what you have to be happy about in life.

I'm thankful for....

-Having a job. This time last year, I didn't. I'm still recovering financially from being out of work for a year. It's getting better, though.

-My family, my great friends and wonderful boyfriend. I listed them all together because there are a lot of similar reasons that I'm thankful for them all. Even though we (family, friends, boyfriend) don't always get along, we're still there for each other when we need to be. Shoulders to lean on; ears that listen; mouths that offer advice, caring words, humor, honesty and encouragement. Plenty of fun times, long conversations, hugs, laughs, arguments, tears cried, moral support, drunken nights and so much more has been shared and lived. I have some really great people in my real life.

-My youngest brother's ability to always make me laugh and put on a smile on my face and he doesn't even usually have to try. He's also one of the most caring people I know at 15 and I wish more people were like that.

-I know some really great people in the online world, too. My friends in blogland that have helped me out when I needed it. Be it sending me a gift card or just listening to me whine about something and everything in between; I appreciate it.

-Improved relationships. First... My younger sister and I have such a great relationship now and I'm thankful for that. That wasn't always the case but we got over that. She's a wonderful person with a great heart. Seeing how my mom and her oldest sister don't get along always makes me a little sad. I don't understand why and it's none of my business either but seeing family not get along at all just makes me sad. I'm thankful that when my sister and I are in our 40's and 50's that we won't just tolerate each other. Second.. My boyfriend. We've had a rough go of it lately but we manage to work through things and stay together. I was at a breaking point recently and I was so upset because I wasn't sure where we were going but I knew I couldn't keep going as we were. We're working through it and for that, I'm thankful. He understands me better than anyone and I want more than anything for us to be able to keep always communicating and working through our problems along the way. We're worth it.

-Sports. It sounds cheesy but I am thankful for that, too. I'd be sad as hell if I had sports taken away from me. Watching and playing. I get so much enjoyment from both, it's great.

-Sweet Lemon Peace Tea. That is the best tea in a can. Ever.

-My boss. He's incredibly flexible and understanding about things and I appreciate that more than he knows.

-Books, writing, sketching and music. For without those things, I'd probably drive myself crazy without outlets to let myself get lost in.

-Coffee and big mugs. Enough said.

-A warm bed to sleep in every night. It might not always have the one I love in it with me but at least I always know at the end of the day that I have somewhere to go and a warm bed to sleep in.

-Strength. For having enough of it to overcome the obstacles I've worked my way through in the last year.

There are more things in my life that I'm thankful for but, if I list everything? I'll be here typing for the next hour at least, lol. So... I do have a bit more to add in the thankful department, though.

I'm thankful that the Stars held on to their asses and pulled off that win against Ottawa last night. The last half of that 3rd period had me cringing and biting my nails. Yes, I get damn into watching my teams play. :D

I am also thankful to those of you who have donated money to help with my Toys for Tots fundraiser. Whether you donated $1, $5, $20, $50, etc; I truly appreciate you helping me out with this. Osbasso has up a special something something about the Fundraiser on his blog today, too. The something something is NSFW in a way so if you're sadly working today or surfing the web around family, might want to hold off on that. ;D He also has a wonderful tribute to his late father up with that as well. You should go check out the post. Also, if you've posted about it and I didn't get you in the last post where I thanked people for pimping the cause out; please email me the link to the post. amorousrocker [at] gmail [dot] com. And there's still plenty of time to donate if you haven't and want to. Or, if you don't want to donate to me? Fine. I urge you to find something to give a few dollars to. Most people don't realize or believe that a couple dollars here and there really adds up and DOES make a difference.

That's it for today.

I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving if you're celebrating and if not, have a wonderful Thursday! :)

XoXo

Aw, you're in love! Let me go throw up now.

On Facebook and Twitter, I notice things like this:

"My girlfriend brought me a Red Bull up to work on her way home from work. She's so thoughtful, I'm lucky. Yeah ok, stop rolling your eyes at the screen now."

"My husband is so sweet, he got me flowers and my favorite drink from Starbucks this afternoon for no reason. Yes I know, we're one of those sticky sweet disgusting couples and we don't care."

"My boyfriend is cooking me dinner tonight yay! So sweet. I'm going to make him cookies tomorrow. Totally vomit inducing from the cute, I know."

And then the statuses that are just like that without the insult added to them.

"Amy made me my fave breakfast this morning. I love her."

Followed by comments like:

"You guys are disgustingly sweet. *puke*"

And it got me thinking....

Sure, when the person is constantly like "omg so in love" and "my significant other is so amazing" every single day; it does get a little annoying. It gets old. You're happy, you have a wonderful person in you're like, etc. No need to boast about it multiple times a day, every day. The over the top people that are completely obnoxious aren't what I'm talking about, though. (And even so, who cares? Ignore it if it chaps your ass that bad.)

There's nothing wrong with doing it from time to time. Sometimes my boyfriend does something particularly sweet and I want to share it.

Like the other day for example. We don't see each other much because our schedules are so opposite and we don't have the same nights off. I live with him and hardly spend any time with him. He got home the other day around 5:30 am from work. He had breakfast for me. A Belgian waffle and strawberry creamcheese*. Which was awesome and totally thoughtful of him. I ate and he promptly passed out after I was done and we had chatted a while.

My point is, why would people rather see you posting/tweeting about negativity and drama over being happy and love? That annoys me more than the lovey dovey people and their daily posts of sweetness. What does it say about a person when they would rather see a posting about drama or something negative over something sweet?

Sure, it can get annoying. Sure, if you're single it can make you feel bad, lonely, etc. But to be rude about it? To get unhappy or nauseated over a friend, family member, aquintaces, etc happiness seems silly.

I guess I just hate that as a general rule, the bad things tend to get more attention. The bullshit in light gets focused on more. I'd rather see someone post about they're girlfriend/boyfriend/etc being awesome once daily over someone whining for the 569th time about how their boss is an asshole or how much they hate their job or about how tired they are of someone something etc.

I don't have a problem with people using social media to bitch, either. I do it. I think we all do. I'm not saying you shouldn't use it to bitch. Go for it if you need to.

If you're just giving a friend some good natured ribbing about their "vomit inducing" status; fine I guess. I just hate seeing people preclude their updates with "yes, we know we're gross" because they know it's coming anyway.

I also just don't get why people get so put out with the love and happiness updates and tweets. I always figure if something really bothers me enough, I can just ignore it. It's not that hard to do and it works pretty well. Easy and effective? Win.

*I eat my waffles with creamcheese over butter and syrup. Strawberry creamcheese is my favorite to use on waffles. :)

Happy Tuesday!

BAWLS, STARS, TOYS, ETC...

Last week was ROUGH. Mentally, emotionally,draining, stressful, blah blah blah. Just rough, all the way around. Here's hoping this week is better. :)

The Stars play the Toronto Maple Leafs tonight, in Toronto. They're having a rough time winning games on the road. If this happens to be the case for tonight's game, that might just make me sad, lol. I'm not saying the Leafs suck mind you, just that, you know, my Stars are better. :D

I'll be at work during the game but eh, what else is new? I'm always at work. Even yesterday (Sunday's are my day off) I ended up working an extra shift. It's not like my boss just tacked it on me. I did offer to pick it up since there was a need. And I need the money. On the way there, I was wishing I had just turned it down. It wasn't a very long shift anyway and I should have just enjoyed getting a night off and used it relaxing. And doing laundry, cleaning and all the other stuff I don't ever have time to do that all need doing, lol. So, my next day off is Thanksgiving. At least I get that day off. The Boyfriend has to work, so... yeah. Suckage.

The day after Thanksgiving is Little Sister's birthday. Friday she'll be 20. I seriously can't believe she's turning 20. That's insane, I swear she was just turning 13. Or some such much younger number than that, lol.

I got some awesome (and warm) fuzzy socks. Three pairs for $3. I do love me some socks, especially cozy ones for a good price. I have so many pairs of socks. I love socks and hats like so many woman love shoes I guess. I have less than 5 pairs of shoes. I have more than 30 hats and I don't even know how many pairs of socks. The fuzzy, super comfy ones I'm wearing right now are purple and baby blue striped. Look at all this color that's seeped into my wardrobe in the last year. Okay, so mainly I've let a little purple, blue and red into my mostly black wardrobe but whatever; it's a start. ;)

If you haven't yet and want to, there's still plenty of time to donate to the Toys for Tots Fundraiser. :) I've updated the post stuck on top of the blog with the link of a newer post wherein I took some pictures of some of the toys I went and got already. Check it out and remember, every few dollars really does help. :)

BAWLS energy drink is 1) fun to say because well, BAWLS! And 2) possibly the most delicious tasting energy drink ever because it doesn't taste like an energy drink. :)

I'm done rambling now, heh.

Enjoy some Nightwish. :)

HAPPY MONDAY!

Sunday Stealing....

Sunday Stealing: Questions a la Randomness, A Meme

What was the last thing you put in your mouth?: Milk.

How late did you stay up last night and why?: On Friday, 8 AM... which technically was Saturday morning. Having an unpleasant conversation and some crying. Then got up at 1 pm Saturday afternoon to get ready for work. I'm going to sleep after I finish this, probably but it's almost 5 AM Saturday night/Sunday morning. And I'm up this late because I have a lot on my mind and can't sleep. :/

If you could move somewhere else, would you?: Yes. Definitely. I dislike my current living situation and cannot wait until I can afford to move else where.

Have you ever been kissed under fireworks?: Yes. It's really not that big of a deal for me, honestly. I don't get what's special about it.

Do you believe ex’s can be friends?: Depends on how things ended and why. I still have an ex from when I was 17 that I'm friends with. We do fine but we were better friends before we dated, same stood for after, lol.

When was the last time you cried really hard?: Friday, Saturday. I don't cry often honestly but when I do? Sheesh.

What items could you not go without during the day?: Food, water. :D I would hate to be without my cell phone, too. I could deal with it for the day if I had to. I'd also hate to be without music and tea as well for a day.

Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?: My grandpa.

How do you feel about your life right now?: Mostly, I'm happy. Just lately... well. Some areas need some work. :/

If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find?: Messages! :p

Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?: Of course.

Has anyone ever called you perfect before?: No, haha. And I'm fine with that. I don't fancy being lied to. :)

Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m.: who do you want it to be?: Publisher's Clearing House telling me they're about to give me an obscene amount of money which would excuse them from being dubbed creepy for knocking on windows at 2 AM.

Do you think too much or too little?: Too much at times and too little at others.

Do you believe in fairy tales?: Nope.

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?: I probably have at some point in my life. I was also probably drunk during this occurrence.

What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?: 10 years.

Have you ever been on a blind date?: NO.

Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more?: Yes.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?: Hmm... yes, he was a teacher. Not one of mine but still, a teacher.

What song do you want played at your funeral?: I don't know.

Would you tell your parents if you were gay?: My mom knows I'm bisexual so I imagine if I were homosexual, she would know about it.

What would your last meal be before getting executed?: Never ending soup, salad and breadsticks from Olive Garden. They'll keep serving me, I'll keep nibbling and there we go; beat the system.

Do you walk around the house naked?: No... but I don't live alone. When I had my own place I did from time to time.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?: Lock the door. :D Aside from that? It varies. If I have bags from the grocery store, I go to the kitchen to sit them down. If I have bags from else where, I go to the appropriate room to sit them down. If I have to pee, I haul ass to the bathroom. If I'm thirsty, I get a drink. Like I said, varies. I never do the same thing in a row once I lock the door, lol. I'm not a very routine kind of person.

Who is the person you can count on the most?: Myself.

What is your favorite Holiday?: Halloween.

Would you ever get plastic surgery?: No.

Have you ever caught a fish?: Yes.

What is the first thing you notice about people?: It varies, lol. Sometimes hair, sometimes clothes, sometimes height, sometimes makeup, sometimes their body language. It's never the same all the time.

What is the farthest you’ve been from home?: Far.

How did you meet your spouse or significant other (or most recent one)?: By saying hi.

Where was the last place you drove (other than home/school/work)?: Grocery store for some ice cold milk for my cereal. Mmm.


Unrelated to this post, here's a video. It's lovely. The music, not the "video" itself, lol.

Happy Sunday, y'all!

Berating employees is bad form, yo.

"Hey store manager in the loud tie, scolding an employee in front of other employees & customers is unprofessional. No need to make a scene."

I tweeted that on Tuesday. I was in a store getting a few essentials. I was waiting in line for the self check because the other lines were ridiculously long. The employee at the station was standing at her little podium helping answer questions about coupons for a little elderly woman. One of the store managers came up after the woman walked away and started bitching out the employee for not stamping something the way she was supposed to on some form. He went on about how this makes the third time he had corrected her on it, why couldn't she remember something so simple when she could handle more difficult tasks with no issues, how many more times should he tell her before he just gives up on her ability to get it right, she's lucky she won't be getting a disciplinary write up over this, she needs to try harder to be a better employee, she needs to get her head out of the clouds and pay more attention to the small things because they're important to... and, well, you get the idea. The employee did a lot of nodding and looking down at her feet while her boss bitched her out. Loudly. In front of customers and other employees.

I HATE when I see shit like that. It's uncalled for. There's no reason to cause a scene like that. It's embarrassing for the employee. It makes you look like a huge asshole. (True colors shining through maybe?) It's awkward for some people who just get to stand there and go on about their business trying to act like nothing is going on out of the ordinary. And most of all, it's unprofessional.

I work a management position in my current job. We have a small staff of employees because it's a small, independently owned restaurant that's 3 months old and we're not in need of a very big staff yet. It's not my first time in a management position either.

Current job and passed management jobs included....

You want to know how many times I've had an employee royally piss me off because of something they did or said? Or something they didn't say or do? Or anything else?

COUNTLESS TIMES. At my current job alone, one particular guy just pisses me off on a regular basis with his carelessness and lazy attitude.

Want to know how many times I've bitched at an employee in front of customers or other employees?

NEVER.

In my opinion, you don't do that shit. If you have a problem with one of your workers, take them aside and privately let them know what the problem is. You don't have to act like you're they're best friend and try to coddle them while you lay out the problem and what you expect to be done about it but there are professional ways to handle things. Berating them in front of a crowd isn't the way to handle it in my opinion. Embarrass them, make them feel awkward and treat them like shit and they won't respect you and won't want to listen to you thus making you that much more frustrated with them.

I have a bit of a temper on me. I'm on the hot headed side and I admit that. I still don't yell. I get frustrated as hell sometimes. It's hard not to when you're managing a group of people and some of those people like to push buttons, like to slack off, like to not do things they're supposed to because they don't want to, etc. When I get really mad about something, I calm down, then I talk to the employee that needs talking to. In private, away from everyone else.

I know some people get in management positions and they turn into assholes. Oooh, you have some power now. They're special now. They can tell you what to do now. You have to listen to anything they have to say. Blah blah power trip blah blah.

Some people just get enjoyment out of belittling other people. Maybe they're just pathetic and enjoy it. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves. Maybe there are other reasons behind it.

Some people just have a bad day and too much shit builds up until they snap then take it out on someone. Anyone. Whomever pisses them off at the wrong moment.

Still, all of those reasons are bullshit. You don't treat people that way.

This concludes my rant for today. Seems like I've been doing a bit of ranting lately, lol. On the bright side, at least I'm finding some free time to blog? Right? Right?! Right. :D

Happy Thursday!

P.S. There's totally still plenty of time to go donate to the Toys for Tots fundraiser, y'all! :)

P.P.S. My boyfriend and Little Sister will be seeing the new Harry Potter tonight at a special showing at 7 PM. Be jealous. :D I am, since I wanted to go too but have to work instead, haha.

P.P.P.S. Stars play the Sharks tonight. GO STARS!!!!!

P.P.P.P.S. I'm done now, lol. Bye! :D

Monogamy VS Non-monogamy...

Monogamy vs non-monogamy is something I don't like to discuss but I found myself having a conversation about it yesterday.

Most people that are for monogamy don't often think non-monogamy in it's many forms work at all. They could be against it for religious reasons, moral reasons, or any number of other reasons. Monogamy works for them. You should be with one person in a relationship and only that one person through the duration of the relationship. Multiple partners? Swinging? A husband and a boyfriend? Nope, that can't work. Human relationships are too complex when it's just two people. Adding more to the mix? Disaster. Of course, there will be jealousy. Feelings will be hurt. It just doesn't work.

Most people that are for a form of non-monogamy don't often think monogamy works. It doesn't work for them. It doesn't work for so many people they know. Humans just aren't meant to be with only one person. It's biological even! It just doesn't make sense to stay with one person. Having a wife and a girlfriend works just fine for us. My husband and I going to swinger events and finding mates to play with is great for us. There are so many different ways to do non-monogamy and it's not wrong, not at all. It's not weird and there's nothing wrong and it does work. Monogamy is so outdated. Monogamy doesn't work. If you want to be "stuck" in a relationship with one person and only that person? You must be kidding yourself.

I get so sick of people for monogamy going on about how it's the way to go. The only way to go.

I get so sick of people for any form of non-monogamy going on about how well it works for them and thus if you would just try it then hey, it'll work for you too!

My own take on it? Monogamy works.... for some people. It doesn't work for other people. Non-monogamy works.... for some people. It doesn't work for other people. You and your partner have to figure out what works best for both of you. Discuss it openly and honestly and respect the feelings and opinions of your partner. If non-monogamy is something you really want while your partner is dead set on being monogamous? Maybe the relationship needs to be re-evaluated.

I get why people feel a need to defend their choice. Especially if they feel like they're being attacked by it. Turning around and trying to prove to someone why they're wrong and you're right? Doesn't help.

Why can't both sides understand and accept that neither way is the right way or the wrong way? There isn't a way that is right for every single person. It's about what works best for you and just because something works well for you and 159 other people you know doesn't mean it works for the rest of the world.

"It really gets under my skin when someone is convinced their single experience is tantamount to the entire topic, period." (Thank you, Tragic. ;D)

Happy Wednesday.

P.S. I'm not saying that every person who has ever had this discussion, wrote a post on it, etc handles it in such a narrow minded manner as "this is wrong, I am right" but it is handled in such a way by a huge percentage. On both sides.

Hockey, erotic photography, etc...

Saw this billboard......



....along a highway in Dallas when I was hanging out with my family Sunday. It's a Dallas Stars thing, as the right hand corner states. The 14 in the left corner is the number of a badass young man by the name of Jamie Benn. He's a hell of a player and I think he's only going to get better as he progresses and matures. "Bennscorin'" is a pretty damn clever play on words if you ask me. I like it anyway, haha.

The Stars play tonight and I actually have the night off from work. Which kind of sucks because I like working on game nights. We have the game on at work usually so I get to see a good portion of it while I work. We don't have cable or anything at home so I won't get to see it unless I watch a crappy internet feed assuming I find one.

I really enjoy Tumblr. A lot of people I know that use it don't follow me which is fine. Most of the people I know from blogger land use it for porn, erotic photos, sexy stuff, nudity and things along those lines. I don't use mine for that and I follow very few who do post those things. Seeing it day after day in huge waves pretty much kills it for me. It loses a lot of the appeal when you're bombarded with it. It kind of becomes something normal and almost mundane. The senses get kind of dull and it's less exciting. So, when I do see the occasional naughty thing on my Tumblr dash? It's a lot better than when I was seeing it daily and multiple times over. I'm just speaking for myself here, though. :)

More awesomeness from my Tumblr:







Also, if you missed yesterday's post... Please go check it out. I kicked off the Toys for Tots shopping by doing some late night shopping. There are a couple pictures there if you want to see what I got. And of course, there's still plenty of time to donate. :)

Happy Tuesday!

What I did late last night...

I had yesterday off. I had a late lunch with my mom, LS and YB. Then we hung out a bit around Dallas and then went bowling for 2 hours. They dropped me off at home and I got a nice, warm shower. I did a little bit of random junk online for about 15 minutes then I decided to hop in the car around 11:45 pm and go buy some toys for the Toys for Tots fundraiser I'm doing.





If you want to see larger sizes of both images, click here and here.

I didn't use any of the money that has been donated yet. Everything you see up there is stuff I got with my own money. I got 16 toys and spent $65. Not one thing there cost more than $5. Each thing cost between $2 to $5. I'm not saying it just to say it when I say every little bit helps. It's the truth. Even if you can only give a few dollars to something, it helps. In this case, that $3 will buy a toy for one little kid. Like I said last year, I know Christmas isn't about the toys but imagine being 6 and knowing other little kids are getting something while you're getting nothing? That sucks.

Even if you don't donate to my fundraiser, I encourage y'all to find a way to do some good. Even if it's giving some pocket change to the Salvation Army, giving some canned food to a food pantry, donating time somewhere, dropping a few dollars to a cause you'd rather donate to; I don't care what you do, just do something. I think the world would be a better place is people were more willing to help people in small ways.

There is still plenty of time to donate to my fundraiser. Just a few dollars helps and then I do all the work for you so you don't have to shop or deliver the toys to the drop location. And like I did last year, I'll be posting pictures of what I'm buying as I shop so y'all can see what your donations are buying. :)

Thank you to anyone that's posted on their blog, Tumblr, Twitter, etc about this. I appreciate it. If you've posted about it but I haven't seen it yet, let me know so I can add the link to your post about it to an upcoming post. Or if you plan to post about it, make sure you let me know as well. :) Thank you to the 9 people who have donated already. Y'all are wonderful. :) Aaand, thank you to anyone who donates time, money, resources, etc to help others in need.

Happy Monday!

Work Tales...

Employee: Hey Boss, Ash, are we out of ranch dressing?

Me: Did you look in the cooler in the kitchen that has 4 huge jars of ranch dressing in waiting?

Employee: Waiting for what?

Me: There's more ranch in the cooler in the kitchen.

Employee: In which part of the cooler?

Me: Left.

Employee: Who?

Me: What?

Employee: Who left?

Me: No, left side of the cooler.

Employee: Oh, got ya.

* * * * *

Employee: Hey, we're out of 6 pans.

Me: We're out or there aren't any clean?

Employee: None are clean I guess. There's plenty in the sink in the dish tank.

Me: You should probably go get some dishes washed then.

Employee: I can do that, no problem.

(For the record, this instance has happened 3 times now.)

* * * * *

Customer: Ma'am? Do you charge for tap water?

Me: No ma'am, we do not.

Customer: Ok, how much is a glass of water?

Me: Free.

Customer: So, you don't charge for it then?

Me: No ma'am, we don't charge for cups of water.

Customer: What about bottled water that I put into a cup?

Me: We charge for bottled water and you can have the cup to put it in for free.

Customer: Well then I might as well just go with the tap water.

* * * * *

Phone call: Will y'all be carding people when they order alcohol?

Me: Most definitely.

Phone call: Seriously? Every time?

Me: Yes, every time.

Phone call: Well fuck, that's a bummer.

* * * * *

Employee: Do we have any more of the Ginger Brew?

Me: No, we got rid of the last of it a little over a month ago.

Employee: Oh. I don't pay attention I guess.

Me: Apparently not. Work on that.

Employee: I'm gonna get fired one of these days, huh?

* * * * *

Employee (to a customer doing a take out order): What kind of sauces do your kids want with their mini-calzones?

Customer: I don't know. I'm not even sure they like Italian food. I guess I'll find out. I knew I should have asked our nanny to handle picking up dinner. Surprise me, or them I guess, on the sauce choices because frankly I have no idea what my kids like to eat.

-----------------------------------------------------

That last one makes me more sad than any of the dumb ass shit other people have said. Sad and agitated, too. I can't imagine not knowing what my own kids (you know, if I had any) liked to eat.

Anyway, I won't go off on a rant here about that topic. Maybe I'll take that rant and make a post out of it. :D

If you haven't checked out the Toys for Tots Fundraiser I'm doing, DO SO! Please? Even if it's only $3 or $5, every dollar counts. :) Thanks so much to the people who have donated, tweeting the link on Twitter and to the people helping by pimping my post out on their blogs. I appreciate it. :D

Happy Saturday!

Shave your pubes and I'll shave my facial hair.

I was sitting in a coffee shop recently, sipping on a drink and half assed flipping through a magazine I didn't have much interest in. I had an hour break and had most of that time to kill since I had taken all of 10 minutes to eat the sandwich I had brought to work for my lunch. There was a couple sitting off to my right side that kept having little heated discussions. Mostly, they didn't really interest me so I didn't pay them much attention. Then....

The Girl: "Well, you know you should have some fucking consideration for me. I have to kiss you and feel your stubble all over my face, which I dislike. I agree that your stubble is soft and not course so it's not scratching me up but it does tickle because it's so soft. So still, it annoys me. Why don't you just shave your damn facial hair so I don't have to deal with it? Your hairy fucking face is unpleasant to me."

The Guy: "You know, your hairy vagina is unpleasant for me when I go downtown on you but do you hear me bitch at you to shave so it's more pleasant for me? I don't like your course pubic hairs in my mouth, scratching my face, or anything else but I don't request or demand or even suggest you shave or even trim that jungle up on my behalf. Show me that same courtesy please and stop nagging me about my facial hair."

After that, she sat there mouth hanging open for a few seconds before she picked up her paperback and smacked him in the arm with it. Then called him an asshole and ended up yelling at him loudly enough that the manager came over and asked them to leave.

I managed to suppress my chuckles over his response. The guy at the table next to me and his female companion? Not so much. They both burst out into laughter and then continued to have a conversation about what had happened after the couple had been asked to leave.

I agree with the guy, though. I don't really think that was the right place for the conversation and definitely not as loudly as they were speaking but I digress. My point here isn't about the conversation being had in public, causing a scene, him being an asshole, conversations better had in private, etc. My point is focused on the point the guy was trying to make to his companion. If a guy suggests they shave or otherwise remove the hair (legs, arms, pubic region, etc) from their bodies, a lot of women end up insulted, angry or annoyed. Which is fine to get annoyed at because no one has to shave if they don't want to and no one should make someone feel bad about their decision to be hairless or not. Yet so many of those same women will nag the pants off a guy to get rid of his facial hair because they don't like it.

How is it any different? The way I see it, it's not. Aside from location that is. ;) They may not be thrilled with your mass of pubic hair, hairy legs, etc. but if they're not saying anything, why bother them about their hair? Especially if you wouldn't shave for them yet expect them to shave for you?

Of course, if your guy nags you about your shaving habits or tries to make you feel bad about the decision you make; you should probably let him know he's being a prick and hopefully he'll be more respectful about it.

We all have things we're less than thrilled with when it comes to our significant others. You're not going to like everything they do and some things I just don't think are worth picking at. I guess I just don't get what is to be gained over nagging them over things that are silly when you could spend the time more positively. Or possibly addressing more important issues that need attention.

Feel free to share your thoughts. :)

Happy Wednesday!

Who wants to hear about my weekend?

My weekend? Sit back, this is going to get exciting.

Just kidding. :p

Friday: Worked. Got home around 2:45 AM.

Saturday: Worked. Got home around 1:30 AM.

Boring, right? Lol. That's how I usually spend Friday and Saturday so nothing new there. Ah, service industry. Funny thing happened Saturday. A wine distributor came in, drunk, and tried to pitch to me on why we should be clients of him. He was, aside from coming in drunk, totally unprofessional and disorganized. I declined without even talking to my boss about it first.

Sunday was good, though. That's my day off. I did some laundry in the morning time. Once I got that done, around 1:30 pm, I headed out to my Aunt's house. My mom, LS and YB are staying 90 minutes East of where I live with my Aunt. She has a nice little spot out in the country. The weather was great. 70's, clear skies and just beautiful. I put gas in the car, rolled down the windows, turned up the music and enjoyed the 90 minute drive out there.

Mom cooked a nice dinner. I haven't had anything home cooked from my mom in over a year so that was definitely nice. I went on a long walk with YB & LS. We played some War. We watched Toy Story . Then the four of us played a few games of Clue. Then it was midnight and I headed out to drive back to Dallas.

While on the walk with LS & YB earlier in the afternoon, I used my camera phone to snap a few pictures out there. :)

This one I got while standing in the driveway waiting for my brother & sister to get their shoes on so we could walk....:



This one is the view from the driveway with me facing toward the house....:



This one I got a little bit further down the road:



You can check out my Tumblr and Twitter for a couple more, if you want.

Also, thanks to the couple people that have posted about my Toys for Tots fundraiser on their blogs. :) Rayne (she is also doing her own fundraiser, too :D), Veronica, Osbasso and the wonderful Nic all made mention of it on their blogs. Nitebyrd not only posted about it but also put up a donation button for me on top of her blog. Thanks y'all, I appreciate the help! (If you posted about it on your blog and I didn't link you, let me know and I'll add you in there! Or if you plan on doing that, just let me know so I can mention your help in a future post.) Also thanks to anyone who has retweeted one of my many tweets on Twitter about it. :D And even more so, thank you to everyone who has donated something so far. I've had people donate as little as $2 and on up. Of course, I'm still taking donations and will be until mid December. That gives you plenty of time to donate a few dollars if you feel so inclined. I'm excited about getting to go shopping for toys again this year. :D

That does it. Hope you all had a nice weekend!

Happy Monday!

Intolerance & me.

I tweeted this a couple weeks ago, "Geez, I'm allowed to be weirded out by something. It doesn't make me intolerant. Not everyone is going to like the same stuff. Get over it."

I was talking to someone and they mentioned something they were into. They asked what my opinion on it was. I said it creeped me out, because it does. I said I felt it was weird, because I do. I said it made me uncomfortable, because it does. I explained more specifically why I had those feelings because the person I was talking wanted to know. So, I explained simply why it didn't float my boat.

Then I got called intolerant.

Uh, no.

"Intolerance: Not tolerant of others' views, beliefs, or behavior that differ from one's own.

Intolerant: Unwillingness or refusal to accept people who are different from you, or views, beliefs, or lifestyles that differ from your own."

I'm allowed to have a negative opinion on something without it being intolerance. I don't care that the person I was talking to is into it. I'm not hating on them doing it. I didn't bash it. I didn't bash them for liking it. The only "negative" thing I even said was that I'm not comfortable with it and it's creepy to me.

Sorry, that doesn't make me intolerant. A lot of people tend to get defensive when they talk about something they like and then someone doesn't share their appreciation of it. There's no need to be defensive about it when you're not being attacked, judged or ridiculed for it, though.

Someone having a differing opinion from you doesn't make them intolerant.

Pictures & stuff...

On Halloween, I usually have to work. No biggie, I tend to work jobs where I work that night and can still dress up thus making it still fun in a lot of ways.

This year, I had Halloween off.

Saturday, the 30th, I didn't go to any Halloween parties or festivities. My mom's birthday was Wednesday and since we were all going to the Stars/Sabres game Saturday with the free tickets I talked about already, we agreed we would celebrate her birthday on Saturday to save them an additional trip up to Dallas. (They're staying about 90 minutes away from where I love for now.)

We went to lunch at one of my mom's favorite restaurants mid-afternoon Saturday. Then we went to the Galleria mall in Dallas to do some shopping and looking around. Then it was time for the Stars game. The game was fucking great. Not just because the Stars won 4-0, shutting out the Sabres. They also just played a good game and we had a fun time. There was also birthday cake and presents, too. My boyfriend made my mom red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting. I decorated it with red and purple stuff. I even set up a little table with confetti and decorations that I made. My mom said it was one of the best birthday celebrations she's had in a while so that made me happy.

Back to Halloween now. :D I had Halloween off which surprised me. I assumed since I requested Saturday off, I'd have to work Sunday but my boss (in one of his few cool moments) let me have that Sunday off, too. Sunday tends to be my day off anyway so woohoo.

I didn't buy a costume because I didn't have the money to spend on it. So, I opted to do like I have the last few years and just throw together something with stuff I already have. Clever, I know. Lol.

That is my eye makeup. :)

I forgot to get a picture of my lips but I did them lined in black then did half red half blue lipstick and topped it with a clear gloss so it was shiny. In this pic, I hadn't yet done my lips yet because I was waiting on my friend to bring me the colored lipsticks.

I wore:

The black and red feather boa you see in the picture.
A red Ian Kinsler (Texas Rangers) jersey t-shirt.
A long sleeved purple plaid shirt that has teal and green in it as well.
Dark blue jeans.
Grey cotton gym shorts.
An orange and brown striped cotton scarf.
A black bandanna with neon colored stars.
Devil horns on my head.
One totally black DC skate shoe.
One neon colored flip flop.

The plaid shirt, I wore one sleeve as it should be with it buttoned properly at the wrist. The other sleeve I had rolled up to my elbow. The bandanna was wrapped around the wrist and forearm of the arm that had the rolled up sleeve.

I wore the grey cotton gym shorts on the outsides of my jeans.

I had the cotton scarf wrapped around one of my knees and tied in a pretty bow.

The foot that had the neon colored flip flop, I also wore a purple and black plaid sock on that foot.

Devil horns were on my head.

I wore the feather boa all night.

My costume? A fashion disaster, lol. I had people asking me all night what I was supposed to be. Most laughed and said I'd done good when I told them what I was. I don't have a camera but The Lawyer was taking pictures all night so he got some good ones.

After going out, we (myself, The Lawyer & Girl) went back to my place. We had tacos and watched a movie while hanging out. It was a pretty laid back Halloween (and the first Halloween I didn't drink on in years) but I had fun hanging out with some friends.

Anyway...

This reminds me.... I need to update the cast list on the blog because I've made tweets mentioning The Lawyer, Girl and some other people and then I have people inquiring about who and what I'm talking about because I haven't updated the list since I made it, lol.

If you haven't already, make sure you check out the Toys for Tots post. I'm taking donations until December so there's still plenty of time to donate a few dollars for a great cause. :)

Happy Tuesday!