Self-examination of the mental variety...

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about a few things. Of course, I won't go into detail about what exactly those things are. Not yet anyway. That would make for a really long blog post and it would also likely be rather chaotic and wouldn't make much sense.

I've always been fascinated by the human brain and psychology, even before I really knew what either was. Your mind is such a beautiful, complicated thing. It also has the capacity to be a raging nightmare. Especially when you let things creep in and humor thoughts and ideas you know you probably shouldn't. It's a funny thing how so many thoughts and feelings people have that are harmful to themselves could be avoided by just not playing "what if" with oneself. Yet, people do it all the time anyway. Sometimes, letting something go is easy. Other times, it's harder to accept something for what it is. So, you poke and prod at it. Sometimes that makes it better and sometimes it makes it worse. Clarity and peace of mind versus chaos and confusion.

It's weird how a single event can change so much about the way you think and react to things. Of course, something traumatic happens to you and people tell you to expect changes. To expect things to be different. No one can tell you what that means because it's different for everyone. So you have this feeling of uncertainty surrounding you all the time, wondering what it is that will change because even you don't know right away. Sure, there are immediate things you notice. But then there's more. Then there's things that just happen slowly and you see them differently, react differently, contemplate them in new ways you hadn't before. And truly, that's not always a good thing.

Sometimes I wonder about why certain things happen to people. Is it some sort of personal test for them? Is it one of those cruel lessons that hurts but needed to be learned anyway? Is it to show them how much they can handle or how easily they could break? Or maybe just pure bad luck? I have issue with that because I believe in karma but I don't necessarily believe in luck. I always just think of luck, good or bad, as the result of karma more so than something that exists on it's own, freely.

In the end, I wonder if it's less about the events that happen to us and more about the way we react to them. The way we cope. The event itself has it's role to play, certainly. Everything in this world has it's own role to play. I think sometimes the more important thing to focus on is how you feel after an event and how you plan to counter. Not necessarily meaning revenge or anything like that, either. How you plan to counter the effects of the event. Life is full of actions and reactions. A lot of the actions people have no control over because shit just happens sometimes. Reactions, you can almost always be in control of, however.

Which lead me to thinking about some of the stuff I've been going through lately and my own reactions. I'm in kind of a weird place right now, both physically in this point in my life and in my head space. There's so much going on and I understand so little of it. And lately, I don't care much to try and figure any of it out. Which is so unlike me that it's scary. It wasn't until today that I realized how little I've cared to contemplate anything going on and that realization struck me hard. It was strange. I don't know why I've become complacent because that's something I've never been. I don't know why I've elected to just ignore things. Not in hopes that they'll go away but just because I'd apparently rather ignore them then deal with them. Which is also very unlike me. I've given up on some things and stopped caring about other things. Things I shouldn't give up on stop caring about. I've let some things get me down more than I should have.

So, now that I've taken off my own blinders to the person I've been here lately, I know I have some work to do and know I need to stop ignoring things because this version of myself? It's not me and I really don't like her very much. Though, outwardly I'm sure most people haven't noticed a difference because most of what's been different hasn't really effected my personality too much. It's more internal than that and since none of you (thankfully for you) live or even get to visit inside my head, I'm fairly confident there's very little differences outwardly.

Anyway, enough of that. This post was more for me to just clear my head a little and put it out there to, in a way, make myself more accountable for the things I need to work on within myself. Though, If anyone did read all of that, thank you. ;)