National Self-Injury Awareness Day

March 1st is National Self-Injury Awareness Day. This is a subject I feel deeply about as I have a lot of personal experience with it. In this post, the only things I will be talking about is Self-Harm Awareness and my own personal experiences with it. The first half of the post is mostly information and awareness on self-harm, the second half is where things get personal. It's a really long post but please take the time to read it. Self-harm is a more serious issue than people tend to realize and isn't something that should be taken lightly or treated as if it were just a minor annoyance instead of an actual problem that needs to be addressed.

From the American Self-Harm Information Clearinghouse:

"Approximately 1% of the United States population uses physical self-injury as a way of dealing with overwhelming feelings or situations, often using it to speak when no words will come. Despite the fact that self-injury is far from rare, myths and misunderstanding surround this psychological ailment -- mistaken ideas that often result in self-harmers being treated badly by police, doctors, therapists, and emergency room personnel.

Self-harm scares people. The behavior can be disturbing and difficult to understand, and it is often treated in a simplistic or sensational manner by the press. As a result, friends and loved ones of people who self-injure often feel frightened, isolated, and helpless. Sometimes they resort to demands or ultimatums as a way of trying to regain some control over the situation, only to see things deteriorate further.

The first step toward coping with self-injurious behavior is education: bringing reliable information about who self-injures, why they do it, and how they can learn to stop to people who self-injure and to their friends, loved ones, and medical caregivers. ASHIC was founded to meet this need for honest, accurate information.

In response to society's mistaken ideas about self-harm, the American Self-Harm Information Clearinghouse was created to educate and inform medical and mental health professionals, the media, and the general public, sorting myth from fact and explaining what is known about self-harm. One of ASHIC's major projects is National Self-Injury Awareness Day. In this grassroots effort, people across the country and the world whose lives have been affected by self-injury deliver fact sheets, reports, and brochures to those who make decisions about the treatment of those who self-harm."

I wrote a blog post back in December on glamorizing self-harm (here) and in that post I also touch a little on my own history with self-harm.

I used to cut. A lot. It's kind of funny how open I am about it now considering when I cut, I went to so much trouble to keep the marks hidden and keep anyone from finding out. There are a lot of myths and misconceptions about self-harm and the people who use it.

• Self- harm is a failed suicide attempt.
• People who self-harm are looking for attention or pity from others.
• Self-harm is just a manipulation tool.
• Only deeply depressed people self-harm.
• Only teenagers self-harm.
• Only "emo" or "goth" kids self-harm.
• People only self-harm while high or drunk.
• Only people with a drug/alcohol problem self-harm.
• Only people who are psychotic self-harm.
• Cutting is the only way people self-harm.
• People who self-harm want to die.
  

I think y'all get the idea. The fact is, there are a lot of reasons people self harm.

• Temporary relief and/or distraction from emotional pain, overwhelming/intense negative feelings, panic, anxiety, etc.

• Punishment. For what? Depends on the person. I used to have a friend who cut himself every time he smoked a cigarette after he had said he was quitting. Whenever he slipped up and had one, he cut as a way to punish himself. He's been cigarette free for 3 years now but hasn't cut in 5.

• Expression of thoughts or feelings in which the person cutting doesn't understand or can't verbally express.
  

• Some use it as a coping mechanism for things they can't or won't talk about it.

• Some people do use it for expression of their issues in hopes that it will get some one's attention, possibly to seek out help or support that they may be unable to bring themselves to ask for.

• To feel something instead of just feeling numb.
  

• And sadly, there are some people who do it for the wrong reasons. Such as just to get attention from any and everyone, because they think it's cool, because people they know are doing it, because it's been grossly glamorized, etc.

It's a personal thing and most cases where the person isn't doing it to act out or get attention, there are plenty or reasons that are driving them to physically inflict pain and hurt themselves. It's different for everyone from the reasons they do it to what they get out of it. It's more complex than most people realize and it is a serious problem.

When I used to self-harm, I cut. I usually used a small, sharp kitchen knife but a razor blade would do the trick if I wasn't around a knife or wasn't able to go get one. It took me a while before I realized I could just buy a small pocket knife and hide that so I wouldn't have to use razorblades and wouldn't have to worry about sneaking to the kitchen for a knife and then cleaning and sterilizing it once I was done with it. I mostly cut on my thighs so no one would see them and sometimes on my stomach and upper arms. Anywhere I could keep hidden in regular clothes worked best for me when I was cutting because I didn't want anyone to see what I was doing. I wanted what I got out of it without having anyone know because I knew it wasn't healthy and wasn't good for me to be doing. I knew if people saw the cuts and the scars they would question how it happened because it's not fun, cute, silly, romantic, sweet, pretty or anything other than ugly, dangerous and harmful. I also knew if I cut where people could see, I'd end up making excuses for how I got the mark on my skin and it wouldn't take long for someone to realize I wasn't having as many mishaps as I was saying. So, I kept it all hidden the best that I could. My ex-boyfriend Luke saw them but he also cut and had issues with depression so he didn't judge me or freak out about them.

From Studies have suggested that when people who self-injure get emotionally overwhelmed, an act of self-harm brings their levels of psychological and physiological tension back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. In other words, they feel a strong uncomfortable emotion, don't know how to handle it (indeed, often do not have a name for it), and know that hurting themselves will reduce the emotional discomfort extremely quickly. They may still feel bad afterward but they don't have that panicky jittery trapped feeling.

That's pretty accurate. It can be calming, albeit a horrible way of getting yourself calm but it's true. It's a very fast fix. The fix isn't a real fix, it's similar to someone who uses drugs or alcohol to cope actually. As someone who used to use drugs as well as cutting to help cope with depression, anxiety, etc; I understand perfectly well that you're not really fixing anything. You're just making it feel better for the moment and then it sucks again later. Then you do your quick temporary fix that feels so good in that moment and for a little while. Then you're back to it not being better again so you keep going back for more. It's a vicious cycle.

It's also just easier to focus on and deal with physical pain than it is to deal with emotional pain or trauma sometimes. It's like an escape in a way. You can live in that moment in the pain and that's all you feel. That's the same as using it as a distraction, though. It doesn't last.

I self-harmed for several reasons. Sometimes it was because I just felt numb and wanted to feel something. Sometimes I was just so overwhelmed with painful thoughts and negative emotion that I sought out relief through self-harm. Sometimes it was about control. Because I hurt so much and was in such a bad place and I didn't know what to do or how to fix it. I couldn't control how I felt and couldn't find a solution. I could control the cutting though and that gave me a calming effect and the illusion that I still had some control over something, that I wasn't just completely out of control in every aspect of my life.

I finally decided one day that I was sick of being miserable. I was sick of being a mess. I was sick of hurting myself. I was sick of self-medicating with drugs. I was just sick of the person I had let myself become by not dealing with things and by letting my problems and issues own me. I can't remember for the life of me what it was that made me snap and say, "that's it, I've had enough." I stopped using drugs and stopped cutting. I struggled with both but I was determined I was going to become a better person and be happy.

When I was in an armed robbery the first time I lived in Northern CA, that set my progress back a little bit. I was having nightmares a lot after that happened. Having a gun held to the back of your head and another aimed at the side of your head with a group of guys in masks screaming at you and threatening your life will do that to a person. I was afraid to seek help for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after that, so I didn't. I started having panic attacks because every little thing freaked me out the first few weeks. The nightmares were horrible and caused me more panic and anxiety. I was angry at myself for handing it so poorly. I thought I should have been stronger than that, should have not let it get to me as badly as it did. I started cutting again for a while after that because it was the only thing I knew to do to help relieve some of the overwhelming feelings and tension I was facing. I stopped cutting again after a few months. I went through this downward spiral again after that where I drank way too much, started taking pain killers when I didn't need them and then I'd cut once in a while when everything got to be too much.

I was 23 the last time I cut. I'll be 27 this June. Shane was amazingly helpful as I went through this. We've been together almost 6 years now and knew each other for a year before we started dating. I was open with him about it and if he saw a scar or mark on me, I'd be honest and say that I'd cut. He never yelled or got angry, he'd just be upset. And that hurt more than if he had just been angry and yelled. I'd want to cut and then end up sitting in the floor in tears, crying because I didn't know what else to do because everything hurt so much but I didn't want to cut. I got to a point where I'd just talk to Shane whenever I wanted to cut. I've always had a problem being able to talk to people about my emotions and feelings. I hate feeling vulnerable so I keep a lot of stuff inside. Sometimes it didn't help but most of the time, it did. He understood. He'd also dealt with depression and some other issues before I'd met him. He wasn't judgmental, he didn't try to force me into getting help, he didn't yell, he didn't talk down to me, he just listened and together, we worked through it. Then I started talking about it after a while, with other people who had some similar issues and gone through similar things I had gone through. It sounds cheesy but all that soul searching ended up being very healing.

I used to think going for 3 or 4 days without self-harm was a good thing. When I'd go for weeks at a time before crashing again, I'd lie to myself and say I had it under control more and that it wasn't as big of an issue anymore. Which wasn't true. It doesn't matter if you do it every day, once a week or just a few times a month.

I haven't cut in almost 4 years now and I don't even have the urges to do so anymore. Back when I was going through this, I felt desperate at times, like there would never be a time where I wouldn't need to cut to feel better.

I know it's hard to get help but please, don't be afraid to. The hardest part is admitting you have a problem and then having the courage to ask for help in getting through it. There are people out there that can help, that won't judge you and won't treat you like an attention starved person without any real problems. You can even seek help online. There are chat rooms, message boards and online support groups to help. There are some great resources out there. Reaching out for help is a scary thing but just know that you can get help if you want to from somewhere.

Some links for self-harm information, support, etc: Scar Tissue.net, TheSite, Recover Your Life, Facts about Self-Injury, Help Guide: Cutting and Self-Harm, S.A.F.E. Alternatives, ReachOut.com: Self Harm.

If you think someone in your life is self-harming, please, talk to them. It doesn't hurt to ask if you think you have even the slightest inclination to be worried about someone in your life. You never know what the people in your life might be silently going through and an awkward question might mean more than you could ever realize.

Update on the boyfriend...

Since so many people have asked, I decided that writing a blog post would be easier than trying to cover it over Twitter, Facebook, email, etc.

The boyfriend's surgery to have this thyroid removed due to thyroid cancer happened Wednesday. Because of the size of the thyroid and the cancer (3 cm node, surgeon 1,5 is typically large, so) the surgery ended up taking more than twice as long as it was supposed to. Which was entirely too nerve wracking for the group of people he had sitting in the waiting room. Everything did come out fine and he had to spend another two and a half hours in recovery before anyone could see him. Then he had to spend a couple nights in the hospital so they could monitor some things.

He's not totally cancer free yet but the biggest part of it is gone. He'll have to go through some radiation treatment soon and then hopefully that will clear everything up.

He's doing okay. He got home yesterday after a few days stay in the hospital. He was kept longer than originally planned because of his history with strokes and being on blood thinners plus the drain in his neck was acting obnoxious. He's happy to be home and not in a hospital anymore but still in some pain. Thankfully he got a prescription for Vicodin to manage the pain. Follow up appointments to see how he's doing and start the process of moving forward with other stuff happens in about a week, as that's about how long it's going to take him to heal up. The scar on his neck is pretty badass looking, honestly. As badass as any scar looks, anyway.

It's crazy that they found the cancer by accident. He's had a couple strokes, the first when he was 19. They've never been able to figure out why. He's seen countless doctors and specialists and gone through literally hundreds of tests for so many different things and never to find anything really wrong with him. Which I really cannot express to you how absolutely frustrating that is. His GP was dissatisfied with the "we'll likely never figure it out" line and decided to order some tests on some arteries in his neck. A sonogram showed an abnormal growth and some other weirdness. That led to the biopsy he had a few weeks back which led to us finding out he has thyroid cancer. His doctors have discussed a lot of things and ironically, a problem like that with his thyroid can cause issues with his blood which could be the cause of the strokes he has had due to his blood issues. It's a stretch and would be highly unlikely but given the fact this started back when a healthy 19 year old boy had his first stroke, ruling out "highly unlikely" isn't going to happen because not much about his health problems is normal or average.

Even if it comes out that this isn't the cause of his other issues, I'm insanely happy that they found it by mistake and that everyone was able to move so quickly in getting the surgery done thanks to his doctors all working together and being proactive the last couple months.

Thanks so much for all the text messages, tweets, direct messages on twitter, emails and Facebook connections from everyone reaching out to show concern and offer support. It's wonderful and we both appreciate it so much. :)

Tomorrow is "remove the cancer" day...

It was pointed out to me by a couple blog readers who creep on my twitter account that I never wrote an update to this post regarding the boyfriend and why I was asking for good thoughts and such for him.

We found out over the weekend the results from the tests he had done and found out he has thyroid cancer. He met with the surgeon who will be performing the surgery on Friday so they could go over stuff. He's going in this morning before work to have some pre-surgery testing done and the surgery to completely remove his thyroid is on Wednesday morning. He's on some medication for other health issues (strokes, which could be related to thyroid cancer if he's had it as long as they say is possible but they won't know that until a little while after the surgery when they can do some more blood work on tests on him) and they had him go off of them two weeks ago in case the tests did reveal he had thyroid cancer. If he hadn't been off of them, they wouldn't be able to do the surgery as quickly because it would be too risky.

As far as cancer goes, thyroid cancer is the best type to get, according to all the doctors he's been to recently. It's very treatable. He'll have to be in the hospital 1-2 days after the surgery, depending on how things go.

The hard part about all of this is actually the financial aspect of it. Being sick is fucking expensive. He does have health insurance thanks to his job but even with that it's still quite a few thousand dollars coming out of our pockets. I'd hate to see what all of this would cost if he didn't have insurance. It's kind of amusing that he's got cancer and has surgery and radiation coming up and he's more stressed over the financial aspects of it than anything else. He has to miss at least a week of work to recover from the surgery so that doesn't help either. His surgeon said he might need more than a week but I'm really hoping not. We were hoping to move into an apartment closer to his job next month and fix his non-working Ford that's been sitting non-working for a couple months now with tax return money. But that and then some will be going towards medical expenses now, so. I feel kind of like an ass complaining about that when the important thing is getting him healthy and cancer free. But at the same time, I don't want him stressing out over the financial aspect of this more than he already is because that's not going to help at all. Of course, I can't stop him from stressing about that because I know he's going to and it's a very valid concern to have. And if I focus on that then I don't have to worry about my mind wandering about complications and things that I've been told could possibly go wrong. I'd rather think about financial problems than the possibilities of things not going well at the hospital, ya know? Which is silly but I can't help but worry.

As far as the surgery goes, he's optimistic it'll go well and they'll be able to get it all so he can be cancer free again. My uncle, who is in his early 70's, just had this same procedure done last week and is home recovering and getting better daily. I've had a couple friends who have had relatives go through the same ordeal and they've all been able to come out on the better end of it. The assurance that we know several people who have had this and gotten treatment for it makes it a lot less scary. Though because of the other issues he has and the fact that stuff can go wrong at any given moment even if it's "almost" certain it will be fine, I'm still going to worry about him until they come out and tell me the surgery went well. It's not like I'm losing sleep or making myself sick with worry but I don't want to have myself in some little bubble of "everything will be fine" either. If something did go wrong, it would suck that much more if I hadn't allowed anyone negative thoughts in and just basically convinced myself everything would be dandy. A little worry is healthy. I think anyway, lol. Now I'm rambling, so enough of that.

And on the plus side, he finally has to quit smoking. Of course that means he'll be hell to be around for a while, like usual the other times he's "quit" for a short amount of time. Then eventually he'll move passed that nightmare to be around cranky stage. I'm much more happy about that part of it than he is. :D

So, if y'all could send good vibes, happy thoughts and all that good stuff our way tomorrow, it would be much appreciated. Shane's surgery is at 9:30 AM and I'll be chilling there waiting for them to slice him open and take the cancer out of him. I'm sure I'll be tweeting an annoying amount or something while I wait tomorrow in an attempt to distract myself so I'm less anxious while I wait, lol. Hopefully it all goes well.

Happy Tuesday!

Peanut Butter & Banana Smoothie

I love smoothies. I'm not a big fan of most breakfast foods so I'm more prone to just eating a bowl of cereal or making a smoothie for breakfast. This is one of my favorites so I thought I'd share the recipe here. :)

Peanut Butter & Banana Smoothie

Ingredients:

• 1 tbsp flax seed

• 1/2 cup low-fat plain or vanilla yogurt

• 1 medium banana, quartered and frozen

• 2 tablespoons peanut butter

• 1 tsp honey

• 1/4 cup ice cubes

• 1/2 cup non-fat milk

Directions:

• Put ground flax seed meal or wheat germ into blender to grind and further breakdown.

• Place the banana, peanut butter, honey, yogurt, and milk into the blender. Cover, and puree until smooth.

And for those who want to keep tabs on their calorie consumption, here's some nutritional facts. The recipe makes two servings and the info below if the amount per serving. Enjoy. :)

Happy Friday!

Send your happy thoughts this way, please & thank you...

The boyfriend has to have a procedure done this morning at nine AM and I'm a bit worried about it. The only people who know what's been going on with him the last few rounds of doctor visits are his immediate family and my immediate family. Nothing conclusive has been pinpointed or figured out so he hasn't wanted to say much about what's been going on because it could turn out to be nothing or it could turn out to be pretty major. He hasn't wanted to make people worry for no reason or just give out a bunch of the same news he's been giving out for years now. So, I'm sorry for being vague but out of respect for his wishes, I just can't say much about anything that's been going on.

Anyone who has known me long enough or read my blog for a couple years knows the boyfriend's young but has a history of having strokes. It's not that we found out the cause and I never blogged about it. It's just that they've continued being boggled about why an otherwise healthy guy in his twenties was having strokes and health issues like he has dealt with. It's a running joke that he's in his mid twenties now and has some of the health problems of a sixty year old. In over five years, they've yet to figure anything out despite dozens upon dozens upon dozens of tests being done. Dude just has to be mysterious in all aspects of life, I suppose, lol. It's insanely frustrating to know that something is obviously wrong and go through tons of testing and still come up with nothing. I can relate to that with my own issues but we won't touch that because we're not talking about me. :p

Anyway, back to the procedure going on this morning. Part of the point of this vague post is for me to be able to ramble about it a little bit because worrying about it so much and not being able to do or even really talk about it has been driving me insane the last few weeks. Also I just want to ask for happy thoughts, good vibes, good juju, prayers if you believe in them or whatever you think works to be sent Shane's way. I'm hoping it's nothing and everything turns out swell but we'll just have to see how it goes today.

Happy Friday :)
Have a good weekend, y'all.

Stop glamorizing self-harm.

NOTE: The images and content of this post may be triggering to anyone who has or currently cuts or participates in self-harm.

That people romanticize and glamorize cutting pisses me off. There's absolutely nothing romantic or glamorous about self-harm, so there's no need to be setting up such a pretty scene for a picture when you're slicing into your skin, hurting yourself.

Stop drawing hearts and flowers on your arms, thighs, etc around your bloody cuts. Stop taking pictures of your arms whilst undressed in cute lingerie. Stop the pictures of you and your friends cutting together, smiling and laughing. Stop trying to make it look artistic.

It's not cute. It's not funny. It's not art. It's not a fun activity to do with a friend. It's not sexy and exotic. It's not something that needs to be made to look whimsical and romantic or set up to look tragically beautiful.

I'm not being judgmental. I used to cut, a lot and often. I mostly cut on my thighs so no one would see them and sometimes on my stomach and upper arms. Anywhere I could keep hidden in regular clothes worked best for me when I was cutting because I didn't want anyone to see what I was doing. I wanted what I got out of it without having anyone know because I knew it wasn't healthy and wasn't good for me to be doing. I knew if people saw the cuts and the scars they would question how it happened because it's not fun, cute, silly, romantic, sweet, pretty or anything other than ugly, dangerous and harmful.

I hate seeing pictures like that pop up on my dash on Tumblr and hate seeing it on a blog as I'm browsing stuff on blogger, wordpress, etc. There's no need to try and glamorize cutting or any other form of self harm. There is no tragic beauty in what you're doing and a lot of people don't do it to get attention. By glamorizing it, you're only helping people who don't understand it continue to treat it less seriously and think of it less as a real problem. And that's not helping anything, only hurting even more and making it harder for people who wants to get help for it to do so because it's so often seen as a "cry for attention" instead of a real problem. So stop this bullshit.

Allow me a moment to be sappy, it doesn't happen often...

As I'm typing this, I'm rather heavily medicated. You've been warned.

I've been pretty sick the last few days. Sunday, the boyfriend had the day off from work so I spent all day in bed and had him home taking care of me like the awesome boyfriend he is. He got some stuff for me Monday before he went to work and my mom ended up bringing me some stuff at 11 PM. Mind you, my mom has to drive 2 hours from her place to get to where I'm at then another 2 hours to get back home. I do appreciate her doing what she does for me.

I hate getting sick. I have a weak immune system due to low white blood cell count. I've tried a lot of different ways to boost my immune system but none have really worked so far. And I'm talking years of trying different things, not just months. I've had this issue since I was a little kid. It sucks. And I stay away from people that are sick as a general rule because when I get sick, I'm down for days even when it's not something serious. Which ends up irritating the hell out of me because I hate laying around doing nothing and feeling like crap and not having the energy for anything. Hopefully I can kick this crap in the next day or so and get back to being my normal self. :D

I have to say though that I have some really great people in my life. I had several offers from people willing to bring me soup, juice, Gatorade, Kleenex, medicine, cough drops or anything else I needed. Granted, my boyfriend had me taken care of and made a couple runs to go out and get stuff for me and my mom brought me some soup, Sprite, medicine and Jell-O as well. So, I'm covered. Still, it made me smile that I had people that I knew weren't just offering to be nice but were offering because they wanted to make sure I had everything I needed. In the past, I've had people offer to do things yet if I actually wanted to call on them for help, they would suddenly be busy or have a reason why they were unable to do what they had just offered to do minutes prior. I know without a doubt the few people who offered to bring me stuff or risk their health to come keep my sickly self company weren't just offering; any of them would have brought me what I needed if I wanted to take them up on their offers. It's nice to know you have some people in your life that you can count on. And even better knowing they care enough to offer things when you need them without even asking for them. It's the little things that make me happy, obviously. Thank you to those people, I appreciate the offers and the concern.

And I appreciate the well wishes on Twitter and the people sending me goofy stuff and jokes to put me in better spirits. That stuff really helps, too. It's so nice to know so many great people in the world, in real life and online, too.

It's always good to let the people in your life know how wonderful they are and how much you appreciate having them around. Whether they're family, friends, a significant other, online friends or what have you. There are so many unique and interesting relationships in my life and I'm happy to know so many good, kind, caring people. Even if I don't get to see or talk to some of them as often as I would like to. I still need to take more time to let them all know that I appreciate the times they've been there for me and how much I enjoy having them be a part of my life. I don't think people do that enough which is sad because it takes so little time to tell someone how great they are and how happy them being a part of your life makes you. I'm guilty of that because I'm just not an emotional person. I tend to come off and rather detached more often than not and it's not that I'm cold and uncaring, I'm far from it, being emotional just makes me uncomfortable. I much prefer logic and things that don't involve gooey messy emotions and warm feelings. :p

I really think it's the medication bringing it out from me tighyt because I'm not normally so sappy, lol. Anyone who knows me well enough can attest that me being emotional or sappy just doesn't really happen. It's all good, though. Once in a while, it can happen I suppose. :D

I've got some great antibiotics now and they should start kicking my ass back into good health. Sooner rather than later, hopefully.

Happy Tuesday!

50 Yummy Smoothie Recipes...

Some of these would be rather unhealthy but delicious nonetheless.

1. Banana Blend 2 bananas, 1/2 cup each vanilla yogurt and milk, 2 teaspoons honey, a pinch of cinnamon and 1 cup ice.

2. Strawberry-Banana Blend 1 banana, 1 cup strawberries, 1/2 cup each vanilla yogurt and milk, 2 teaspoons honey, a pinch of cinnamon and 1 cup ice.

3. Strawberry Shortcake Blend 2 cups strawberries, 1 cup crumbled pound cake, 1 1/2 cups each milk and ice, and sugar to taste. Top with whipped cream and more strawberries.

4. Triple-Berry Blend 1 1/2 cups mixed blackberries, strawberries and raspberries with 1 cup each milk and ice, and sugar to taste.

5. Raspberry-Orange Blend 1 cup each orange juice and raspberries, 1/2 cup plain yogurt, 1 cup ice, and sugar to taste.

6. Peach-Mango-Banana Blend 1 cup each chopped fresh or frozen peaches and mango, 1 cup each plain yogurt and ice, 1/2 banana, and sugar to taste.

7. Honeydew-Almond Blend 2 cups chopped honeydew melon, 1 cup each almond milk and ice, and honey to taste.

8. Cantaloupe Blend 2 cups chopped cantaloupe, the juice of 1/2 lime, 3 tablespoons sugar, 1/2 cup water and 1 cup ice.

9. Carrot-Apple Blend 1 cup each carrot juice and apple juice with 1 1/2 cups ice.

10. Spa Cucumber Peel, seed and chop 2 medium cucumbers. Blend with the juice of 1 lime, 1/2 cup water, 1 cup ice and 3 to 4 tablespoons sugar or honey.

11. Kiwi-Strawberry Blend 1 cup strawberries, 2 peeled kiwis, 2 tablespoons sugar and 2 cups ice.

12. Cherry-Vanilla Blend 1 1/2 cups frozen pitted cherries, 1 1/4 cups milk, 3 tablespoons sugar, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract, 1/4 teaspoon almond extract, a pinch of salt and 1 cup ice.

13. Tangerine-Honey Peel and seed 4 tangerines, then blend with the juice of 2 limes, 1/4 cup honey and 1 cup ice.

14. Apricot-Almond Blend 1 1/2 cups apricot nectar, 1/2 cup vanilla yogurt, 2 tablespoons almond butter and 1 cup ice.

15. Grape Blend 2 cups seedless red grapes with 1 cup concord grape juice and 1 1/2 cups ice.

16. Blueberry-Pear Blend 1 1/2 cups frozen blueberries, 1 chopped pear, 1 1/2 cups each maple or plain yogurt and ice, and sugar to taste.

17. Banana-Date-Lime Blend 2 bananas, 3/4 cup chopped pitted dates, the juice of 1 lime and 1 1/2 cups each soy milk and ice.

18. Peach-Ginger Blend 2 cups frozen sliced peaches, 1 1/2 cups buttermilk, 3 tablespoons brown sugar and 1 tablespoon grated fresh ginger.

19. Grapefruit Peel and seed 2 grapefruits, then blend with 3 to 4 tablespoons sugar and 1 cup ice. Sprinkle with cinnamon.

20. Pomegranate-Cherry Blend 1 cup frozen pitted cherries, 3/4 cup pomegranate juice, 1/2 cup plain yogurt, 1 tablespoon honey, 1 teaspoon lemon juice, a pinch each of cinnamon and salt, and 2 cups ice.

21. Chai Blend 1 1/2 cups chai tea concentrate with 1 cup each milk and ice. Sprinkle with chai spice or ground cinnamon.

22. Blueberry-Banana Blend 1 banana, 1 cup blueberries, 1/2 cup unsweetened coconut milk, 1 tablespoon each honey and lime juice, 1/4 teaspoon almond extract and 1 cup ice.

23. Creamy Pineapple Blend 2 cups chopped pineapple, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1/4 cup milk, 2 teaspoons honey, 1/4 teaspoon vanilla, a pinch each of nutmeg and salt, and 2 cups ice.

24. Watermelon Freeze 3 cups cubed seeded watermelon until hard. Blend with 1 cup cubed fresh seeded watermelon, the juice of 1 lime, 1/4 cup sugar and 1 cup water.

25. Pineapple-Coconut Freeze about 2 cups coconut water in 1 or 2 ice-cube trays. Blend 2 cups each chopped pineapple and coconut ice cubes, 1 1/2 tablespoons lime juice, 1 tablespoon honey and 1/2 cup coconut water.

26. Apple-Ginger Blend 1 chopped peeled apple, a 1/2-inch piece peeled ginger, the juice of 2 limes, 1/4 cup honey, 1 cup water and 2 cups ice.

27. Black Raspberry–Vanilla Blend 1 pint blackberries, 1/2 cup raspberries, 1 cup vanilla yogurt and 1 tablespoon honey.

28. Creamsicle Blend 3/4 cup frozen orange or orange-tangerine concentrate with 1/2 cup cold water and 1 cup each vanilla ice cream and ice.

29. Mango-Acai Blend two 4-ounce packages frozen acai berry puree, 1 cup chopped mango, 1/2 cup orange juice and 2 cups ice.

30. Spiced Pumpkin Blend 1/2 cup each pumpkin puree and silken tofu, 3 1/2 tablespoons brown sugar, 1 cup milk, 1/2 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice, a pinch of salt and 1 cup ice.

31. Mexican Coffee Blend 1/2 cup chilled espresso or strong coffee, 1/2 cup milk or almond milk, 3 1/2 tablespoons brown sugar, 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon, 1/8 teaspoon almond extract and 1 1/2 cups ice.

32. Vietnamese Coffee Blend 1/2 cup chilled espresso or strong coffee, 1/4 cup sweetened condensed milk and 1 1/2 cups ice. Top with chocolate shavings and/or chocolate syrup.

33. Banana PB&J Blend 1 frozen banana with 1 cup soy milk, 1/4 cup each creamy peanut butter and wheat germ, and 2 tablespoons seedless strawberry or raspberry jelly.

34. Peanut Butter–Apple Blend 1 chopped peeled apple, 3 tablespoons creamy peanut butter, 2 tablespoons flax seeds, 1 1/2 cups each soy milk and ice, and honey to taste.

35. Pomegranate-Berry Blend 1 cup blueberries, 3/4 cup each beet juice and pomegranate juice, 1 cup ice, and honey to taste.

36. Cucumber-Kale Blend 1 1/4 cups vegetable juice, 1/2 peeled cucumber, 3 kale leaves and the juice of 1/2 lemon.

37. Pineapple-Mango Blend 1 cup each chopped pineapple and mango, 1 cup coconut water, a dash of ground allspice and 1 cup ice. Sprinkle with toasted coconut.

38. Peanut Butter–Banana Blend 1 banana, 1 cup vanilla yogurt, 1/2 cup creamy peanut butter, 1/3 cup milk, 2 tablespoons malted milk powder, 1/2 teaspoon cocoa powder, a pinch of salt and 2 cups ice.

39. Green Tea–Almond Brew 1 1/2 cups extra-strong green tea; cool completely. Blend with 1/3 cup almonds, 1/4 cup honey and 1 cup ice.

40. Chocolate-Banana Blend 1 banana, 1 cup chocolate ice cream, 1/2 cup milk, a pinch of salt and 1/2 cup ice.

41. Chocolate-Raspberry Blend 1 cup each chocolate ice cream and raspberries, 2 tablespoons sugar and 3/4 cup each milk and ice.

42. Strawberry-Maple Blend 2 cups strawberries, 1 1/2 cups milk, 1/4 cup each maple syrup and wheat germ, a dash of ground cinnamon and 1 1/2 cups ice.

43. Chocolate Chip Cookie Blend 1 cup each vanilla ice cream, milk and crumbled chocolate chip cookies with 1/4 cup mini chocolate chips. Top with a cookie.

44. Oatmeal Cookie Blend 1 cup each vanilla ice cream, milk and crumbled oatmeal cookies with a pinch of ground cinnamon. Top with a cookie.

45. Birthday Cake Blend 1 1/2 cups vanilla ice cream, 1 crumbled vanilla cupcake (unfrosted), 1 cup milk and 1/4 teaspoon almond extract. Top with sprinkles.

46. Black and White Blend 3/4 cup each vanilla ice cream and chocolate ice cream with 1 cup milk and 3 crumbled chocolate sandwich cookies. Top with a cookie.

47. Lemon–Poppy Seed Blend 2 teaspoons poppy seeds, the zest and juice of 1/2 lemon, 1 cup plain yogurt, 1/3 cup sugar and 1/2 cup each milk and ice.

48. Apple-Spinach Blend 2 cups spinach, 1 chopped peeled apple, 1/2 cup silken tofu, 1/4 cup each soy milk and orange juice, 1 tablespoon each wheat germ, honey and lemon juice, and 1 cup ice.

49. Veggie Blend 1 1/4 cups tomato juice, 1/4 cup carrot juice, 1/2 peeled cucumber, 1/2 celery stalk, 1/4 cup each parsley and spinach, and 1/2 cup ice.

50. Mint-Jalapeno Blend 1/3 cup fresh mint, 1 seeded jalapeno pepper, 2 1/2 tablespoons honey, a pinch of salt and 2 cups each plain yogurt and ice. Top with toasted cumin seeds and cilantro.

Brain Dump: Cupcakes, Stars, Spring Sucks, etc....

I've started writing several posts today and then ended up scrapping them all after re-reading them and thinking, "Where the eff were you going with that?" Lol. I'm not lacking on things to say or to write about but I've got so much going on that everything is just running together in my head.

Work has been super busy lately. We had a catering order for $525 yesterday. We have one we're doing tonight that totals out at a little bit more than that. It's great, really.

I'm also in the process of doing a lot of planning. As I mentioned, I'm doing a cupcake booth at a festival next month and have been putting together my cupcake menu. I'm thinking of doing 6 different types. So far I have chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, rainbow and two special ones. I'm probably going with a s'mores cupcake for the 5th one and maybe doing a cream filled red velvet for the 6th. I've been playing around with recipes for the last two. None of them are plain but they're not too over the top either. I did play around with a pina colada cupcake but haven't got the recipe right just yet. Which brings me around to another point. In doing this festival, I'll also be working my way around to selling my cupcakes in a more regular fashion. I'm also thinking of starting a blog to chronicle recipes, mishaps, tips, pictures and other stuff. I'm not sure on that yet. My goal is to eventually own my own business and since I'm not made of money, I'm going to start out so very small and see if I can work up to what I want to do. Plus, it's a fun way to earn a little extra money for now and I love baking. I also love coming up with unique ideas for cupcakes that other places aren't doing right now. And my boss being cool as he can sometimes be is going to let me try to do something with the cupcakes at work. If that goes well initially and continues to go well, it might be a more permanent thing. So here's hoping. I'm excited because I have some plans for this and some things are already in motion but I don't exactly know how it's all going to go. I do know I need some people willing to be guinea pigs for new recipes I come up with. So if any of you that live near me want to volunteer for that, speak up. ;)

Moving on. I'm going to the Stars vs Avs game tomorrow night. It might be the last home game of the season if the Stars don't make playoffs again. Which is depressing. Both missing playoffs for the third year in a row and the possibility of it being the last NHL game I go to until October. At least I have baseball to occupy me with in the summer.

On Sunday we went to the Rangers game. They played the Red Sox. It was the third game of the series. The Rangers won all three. They're five games into the season so far and they're at 5-0. I'm excited for this season. Definitely excited to get to a few more games, too. Going to games definitely makes me miss playing baseball. I played for so long as a kid then got a job and put all my time into that. Damn work always getting in the way. As it is now, with work and the other projects I have going on, I wouldn't have time to play a sport now anyway. I'm okay with that, just something I miss doing when I'm around it.

Spring weather is so awesome but I think I'd enjoy it more if I could actually enjoy it. I have crazy allergies that prevent me from enjoying all this lovely weather we have. Even my allergy medicine isn't enough to totally combat it all. Which sucks because it has been so pretty outside the last few days. Not to say I stay inside and avoid it because I don't. I just end up feeling miserable physically while I'm enjoying it.

Something else I'm happy about is I started a new iron supplement. I'm anemic and haven't been taking anything for it the last few months. So I've been constantly exhausted every single day. My 10+ hour work days of being on my feet and running around for a whole shift hasn't helped with my fatigue either. I've had other issues, too. The fatigue is the one I've been feeling the most. The new supplement I've started is a bit higher in iron than the ones I've previously taken but that's a good thing. It also has fewer side effects but the two it has are seriously sucky, lol. So far, I haven't experienced any of the possible side effects, though, Here's hoping it stays that way. ;)

I'm not doing a lot of blogging but I am doing a lot of writing. Mostly for my book of short stories I started and then stopped working on when I was really down and bummed out about everything. I think I owe a certain blogger an autographed first copy when I get it done. I doubt he remembers I promised him that, though. Maybe it'll be a nice surprise once I finally get it all together.

Even if I don't end up doing the cupcake blog, I'm definitely going to be posting pictures and recipes on here from time to time. Exciting, I know. Calm down people.

I think I've bored y'all enough for one day. ;) I started a post on a feminist that went off on me on shaving. We actually got into a pretty heated argument about it but I didn't have the attention span to get it finished. So hopefully I'll have that up some time this week. Maybe. ;)

Happy Wednesday!!

Feel your boobs.

I've been a horrible blogger lately. Life happens though. Things have been kind of hectic. There's a lot going on that I haven't posted about. I'm sure I'll get to it.

It's October already. Which means... National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Feel your boobies.

I normally don't post anything about Breast Cancer Awareness. Though it's a cause I care a lot about I am more of a silent supporter usually. Though recently, due to personal reasons, it's become more important to me so I'm going to get more vocal about it. Don't worry, I'm fine. I'll get to that subject though. When I can bring myself to write about it without crying.

Though, I was watching a program the other day that had a lot of breast cancer survivors on. It was so touching to see so many survivors. It also made me sad because I know there are also so many women who don't and so many who won't survive. Which I knew already honestly but it becomes different when it's someone you know, someone you love, who is suffering and won't be making it through. It's sad when you think of all the people you've never met that didn't survive but it doesn't hit you like it does when it's someone you know.

Ah well, I already started, so lets just go. I've talked before about my grandparents. How much they mean to me and how much I love them. Talked about how much time I spent with them growing up. How many amazing memories I have with them. And yes, I do know how lucky I am that I got to know them as I did. I do know how lucky I am that I had the chance to have so many good times with them. I know I'm lucky to that I got to have them around so much growing up. I know, I'm lucky that I've had everything I have had and still have with them. I know that but hearing it isn't comforting when I know that they won't be here much longer because their illnesses are becoming more than they can fight. They're old and they just don't have it in them to keep fighting either. A part of me wants to see them pass because I know when they do, they won't be in pain anymore. No more doctors, medicines, treatments and other crap. Then there is the selfish part of me that hates the thought of them not being around anymore. The part of me that wants to hold on and keep them around forever. That part of me makes watching this so hard. I wish I could fix it but I know there is nothing that I can do. Other than making sure they know I love them and getting what time I have left with them in.

They both have cancer, they both have other ailments. My grandfather has cancer, other ailments and he's had two strokes in the less than two weeks. They aren't his first and second, he's had several before. In the last year, I've watched his illnesses take hold of him and watched things go. His vision. His hearing. His speech. His ability to move around. Last time I visited, I watched him use his cane and take three steps at a time before stopping because that's all he could do. I watched him stop to lean against the wall. I watched him almost fall over several times. I watched him take 2 minutes to walk down a hall that takes no more than 5 seconds for most anyone else. I wanted to help but I knew I couldn't. I offered to help, he said no. I knew he would.

My grandmother has some ailments. I say ailments and I don't list much because mostly, this is personal. It's also hard for me to write about so keeping it short and to the bare minimum helps. She also has breast cancer. It isn't a recent discovery but something she's been battling. I've never mentioned it because I had hopes. She has lost her left breast entirely recently. Her doctor now thinks she may have bone cancer. She's a tough lady I know but it's wearing her down.

I know people say there is always hope but here, I know there isn't much left to hope for. My grandfather has been battling cancer and the other things for at least 10 years now if not longer. He says he's ready to quit fighting. I believe him. I don't even blame him. I also believe that when a person has a major disease, if they don't want to fight it anymore and if they don't have it in them to overcome it anymore, they won't. I know he won't be with us much longer.

My mom, dad, youngest brother, 23 year old brother and little sister live in California still. My mom and youngest brother however are moving back to Texas. They've already started the drive actually. Mom & YB will be here Sunday night. I'm apparently lacking the ability to comprehend things correctly lately, lol. I thought they would be here sooner but it's all good. I get to see them Sunday night so hooray. My mom packed up her SUV with a lot of their belongings. My mom needs to help her sisters care for their parents and she can't do that in California. She also, of course, wants to spend as much time as she can for what she has left with her parents. Plus, she just likes Texas better anyway. ;)

So that's a lot of what has been going on lately and a lot of why I haven't been around much on my blog, reading blogs, on Twitter, sending out e-mails, forums, instant messenger or anything else. I just haven't had much I wanted to say and I've been distracted and busy as hell. Not to mention dealing with other stuff and still trying to find a job. On the plus side, Boyfriend started working this week for a company he had worked for before. He hates what he's doing but it's not bad money and it's something to have income until he can find something better.

Anyway, that's all I've got for today. I do have a way overdue review going up tomorrow. That was actually what I was going to post today but I couldn't get the pictures and video onto my laptop and didn't want to post the review without them.

Have a good weekend y'all.

I'm a child lost in the woods...

I've been cigarette free for a whole 4 days now. I've also been a little unbearable to be around at times as a result of that though. HOWEVER, the benefits of quitting smoking far outweigh my random bouts of extreme bitchiness. I'm trying to do better for myself and since I don't much care for giving up my drinking habits, I'm going to kick smoking. Especially since I shouldn't be smoking anyway due to having a jacked up lung. Plus it's just a bad habit. Whatever, I know that and really don't need a lecture about it. I also know that it makes me smell bad, makes my hands smell bad, my clothes, blah blah blah etc etc etc. I've quit before and noticed all the little things I never noticed before and did realize it's a rather dirty, smelly habit. I am also not picking up another habit in place of kicking this one but I do chew a piece of regular yummy flavored chewing gum when I get the urge really bad. That's not a big deal anyway though because I'm an obsessive gum chewer as it is. Always worried about that bad breath you know, lol.

Has anyone seen the movie "Funny People" yet? I really want to see it (I think) but no one I know has fucking gone and seen it yet! I don't have to cash to spend on movies being broke and unemployed so I won't likely be going to the theater. It better hurry up and find its way to RebBox. I also want to see the G.I. Joe flick coming out this weekend but alas, I probably won't unless I get a job sometime in this week. I've applied at plenty of places but meh, nothing is panning out yet. I have confidence that something will turn out though.

Speaking of not having money... I was SO very sad about something. One of my favorite bands is the band Incubus. I've raved about them, used their songs for Musical Mondays and other random posts, displayed lyrics in their songs that struck a nerve with me, used lyrics from their songs as post titles countless times, etc etc. I've loved them since I was 14 (or maybe 13 close to 14, whatever) and the killer is, I've never got to see them play live. NEVER. Not once in 10 years of being a fan. It's always a money problem too that stops me from being able to go. So when I found out they would be in Dallas near the end of this month, I wanted to fucking cry because I knew there was no way I would be able to afford to go. Not even one ticket by myself. I bitched/cried about this on my MySpace during a bulletin I was posting. I had a few friends give out their sympathy because they know how much I love Incubus, how much their music means to me and how desperately I've wanted to be able to go see them. I thought about putting stuff on Ebay to sell but honestly, I don't have much. I thought about drugging my boyfriend, stealing his sperm while he slept, dressing as a man, finding some way to get around the whole huge tits things to be able to successfully pose as a man, going down to the clinic and selling off my boyfriend's sperm for money. Of course, I realized that would be a truly horrible thing to do and decided against it. Sorry for the thought baby, love you and no, don't worry about sleeping around me; I'm not going to try and steal your sperm. I thought of all the possible odd jobs I could work to get the money for the tickets and was so contemplating babysitting for a lady I know who has the most retched, obnoxious, spoiled little demon brats around. Luckily, I didn't have to go to any dreadful lengths to rake in enough money to go see my beloved Incubus. My mom saw my posting on MySpace where I mentioned how badly I wanted to go but wouldn't be able to go unless I could make a bunch of cash start growing on the trees outback. She also knows how much I love this band and knows how bad I've wanted to see them. So, my mom calls me and just starts chit chatting here and there about this and that. We're having a conversation about I don't even remember what. Then, out of no where, she says to me like it's no big fucking deal, "Oh by the way, you're going to go see Incubus." I said replied with a very articulate, "Huh? How?" To which she responded by saying something to the effect of, "You're not missing out on seeing them again. You've been a fan so long and have never got to see them, they're there and you're there and you will not miss them again." Then my totally fucking awesome mother went on to explain to me the details. She lives in CA and I'm recently back in Dallas living with Boyfriend. Thanks to the marvels of the internet, her getting tickets for me was easy as hell. Not only is my kickass wonderful mom paying for me to go see Incubus, she purchased FOUR tickets for me so I get to take Boyfriend AND two of my friends as well. I am so fucking excited. I seriously haven't been this excited about doing something in quite some time, hehe.

Speaking of my mom, I miss her well stocked kitchen. She has a million cooking utensils, pots, pans and lots of other kitchen gadgets/small appliances. I don't have even a quarter of that stuff now. I didn't even have a decent cheese grater but I luckily found a decent cheap one. I go looking for something I'd like to use and realize, oops, that's not in this kitchen. Sucks. I need to get an effing job soon so I can start buying some kitchen stuff. I never thought I would say that either. I used to not like cooking and because I didn't like it, I didn't do well at it. I love it now, I just don't have a lot to work with at the moment, lol.

Also, mosquitoes are blood sucking bastards and I hate them.

I kind of wished I had stayed in CA until summer was over, lol. Texas is hot and humid. I just *love* walking out the door and breaking a sweat before I get to the car, lol. Though really, it's a small price to pay to be HOME and happy. Texas is home for me and I am happier despite being a broke ass bitch that's sweating her ass off on a daily basis by walking outside, lol.

I'M GOING TO SEE INCUBUS! See? Told you I was seriously excited. *grin*

Back to the blood sucking bastards. I need to convince boyfriend to buy some bug repellent spray for when we go hit the track. The one you run at not the one you gamble at. ;) We go once the sun is setting so it's only in the 90's or high 80's and less humid but on the downside, the blood sucking bastards are out and about looking for flesh to dive in to.

I LOVE glowsticks. When we skip going to the track, we have a certain route we take through the neighborhood and the surrounding areas. Since we go in the evening, we take glowsticks (because I seriously have like 50 packs of them, went crazy after Halloween last year when they were on clearance hehe) so we've got a little glow going on. Plus, I really like to stop and swing them around and take pictures of it. ;) I just love glowsticks.

Happy Wednesday!