Silence & sincerity..

Silence is better than insincerity.

This is something I find myself saying at times when I'm opening up to a friend about something. Usually when they're apologizing for not knowing what to say in response to something I have said. I would rather someone honestly tell me they have nothing to say than to tell me something they don't really mean. When I vent to people, I don't want them to coddle me. I don't want them to lie to me and make me feel better. I only have a handful of people I vent to and honestly, it's because they never sugarcoat, coddle, judge, lie to spare my feelings, lie to make me feel better or do any crap like that. I also trust those people that I vent to implicitly. I don't trust easily and I don't open up to that many people but that's another monster for another day.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About myself, the way I feel about various things, etc. A lot of things about thoughts and feelings I have. Some new, some recent and some that I stifled and never dealt with a long time ago. Mostly, it's stuff that I've stuffed down and ignored from years ago. I figured I was passed a lot of those things but really, I had just ignored them well enough. In working on myself to become a better person in recent months, I realized I have so much shit I need to deal with. Things that I thought didn't bother me anymore. I realized I had done such a good job at hiding everything from other people that I'd ended up mistaking that as having certain issues resolved. How silly of me, eh?

I had a long talk with Fangs last night and I love him for always being straight with me. I vented about some things that he's never had to deal with and he had no clue what to say. He said as much, too. His words? "I'm sorry, I wish I had something helpful to say but I just don't know what to say. I won't lie and pretend I understand because I know I don't and I won't lie and give you some cliche insincere bullshit either."

That is what I love about him. I'd rather be told that than have someone pour out a bunch of cliche bullshit that is anything but sincere. It's not helpful at all either because I know insincere bullshit when I hear it.

Which is also something I love about my boyfriend. He might not always know what to say but he never lies to me, never sugarcoats things for me. Sometimes, he (along with those friends I vent to) say things that sting, say things that I don't always want to hear and say things that sometimes piss me off. I love them for that though because those things are generally things I need to hear. They're not mean or petty about anything. They just tell me the truth and tell me things I need to hear. They never back away from saying something to me for fear that it will piss me off. Even when they know it will piss me off. As Fangs says, he'd rather me be mad at him for a few hours over keeping his mouth shut when he shouldn't have. And if they don't know what to say, they don't say anything. They never pretend to understand when they don't. I don't always respond well but I appreciate and love them for doing things the way they do.

I'd rather have someone be honest with me, even if it means I open up about something and they have nothing more than a hug and a shoulder in exchange. Having a boyfriend and some close friends that are like that in my life helps me so much.

Underneath my skin...

One of the things that many people who like my blog have all said they enjoy, admire and respect about me and the way I write is how open and bluntly honest I am. I admit, I'm like that in my real life which tends to leave people thinking I'm a bit abrupt or just a flat out bitch. That's just how I am. So let me be open and very honest right now.

I'm miserable. I have been for more months than I can count. I go to work and I do nothing else. My boyfriend, my friends and the rest of my family are all back home in Dallas, TX. I'm in Northern California. I came out here for personal reasons. The reasons I came out here ended up not working out, not panning out and not happening. I wanted to leave months ago but moving to different states is expensive. Granted, I've moved a lot and don't have a lot of things but just because I don't have a lot doesn't make moving back home that much cheaper. So my biggest obstacle has been having money to get me and my things back home to Texas. Having enough money to sit on while I look for a job so I don't go without any of the vital things I actually need. You know, just in case it takes me longer than I would like to find a decent job.

So I've been saving away money as best as I could and waiting to have enough to be able to move myself back home. It seemed like a goal I would never reached. A reality that completely bummed me out and put me down ever more than I already have been. I'm not a girl that cries a lot. Sad movies don't get to me. Stress doesn't make me cry. Most pain doesn't bring me to tears. I don't cry over much of anything usually. The sadness, the longing to be out of here, the loneliness of being away from my guy, the isolation of not having friends here to go hang out with and the desperate want to go home were all weighing on me so much. I cried so many nights into my pillow, letting out some of the sadness and other negative feelings. It didn't help. No matter how much I cried, I was still hurting. Still frustrated about having to wait so long. I have my mom, dad and three younger siblings around and being here with them did help. I had people who love me around and that made it a little easier but I still felt miserable. Still feel miserable. I do my best to keep it in check and not let it show how bad I feel but I'm sure I can't keep it hidden 100% all of the time. I know there are times when it shows and at those times, I couldn't care less who sees that I'm sad and hurting. Which isn't like me because I hate people seeing me like that. I hate feeling like that. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak but fuck, I'm only human and who doesn't feel like that at times?

Part of the reason I wrote this was because it was just tiring to find something to write about on here that was upbeat. I didn't want to write about how miserable I felt and bitch about things all the time. I didn't want my blog to become one big cry baby thing. I also didn't want to put myself out there like that, so openly to so many. So some days I just posted short posts about things that were good. To keep things positive and also to remind myself that things weren't that bad for me no matter how bad I felt. When days where I wouldn't let myself see that bit of wisdom, I didn't post shit and didn't talk much to anyone.

Feeling the way I did started weighing in on work. There would be nights at work where I would go all night only saying what needed to be said. Smiling a fake ass smile along with some fake ass banter for the customers I dealt was serving. My co-workers didn't get the smile or the banter. They got silence and when asked, a simple "I don't want to talk about it but thanks." Or something shorter. I got to where some days, I hated going in to work because I hated being there. I kept going though because I needed the money. I couldn't lose my job when I didn't have any money saved up or I'd be fucked. So I sucked it up like a big kid and kept going to work and learned to curve my bad moods even more. Which I hated doing but there was no sense making other people miserable for no reason.

I tried to not let it show at home because I didn't want to make my family miserable. Though, some days I know I failed. I felt guilty later for those days. I felt like shit for being shitty towards my family just because I felt so down in the dumps. I tried not to let it show though and a lot of days, I didn't speak much to my family either. If I knew I couldn't control my tone of voice and couldn't better control my responses, I just wouldn't say much. Again, no need to make other people feel like shit just because I do.

So, I'm sitting here, writing this. I'm not asking for any help because I know what I need to do and I know how to do it. I've talked this over with several people, in real life and people from the blogosphere. It just requires some patience, which thankfully I've learned to have a decent amount of. Don't think that any and every idea possible hasn't been thought of and tried out either. Between me and the people I've discussed with, we've come up with every logical and every ridiculous plan we could think of, lol. In the end, it comes down to patience and doing it the simplest way. The hard part has been the waiting it out.

But I was comfortable inside these wounds...

Not only did Boyfriend make a new post on Sunday night but he also posted again last night! He's on a roll I tell ya. ;) In his post last night, I even learned something new that I hadn't known about him before when he was talking a little about religion. Nothing important or anything. Just a random little nothing I never knew before. :) Head over and check it out.

Since we're on the subject and it's something I never talk about on here, something I love about my boyfriend is that we can disagree on heavy topics but they won't turn into arguments. Take religion for example. He has his views and I have mine. In some ways, we think the same. In other ways, I disagree and think differently. We've never fought about this though. One, it's stupid as hell to fight over religion. Mainly because though I'm spiritual, I'm not religious. I used to go to church with family when I was younger because I had to but to be honest, I hated going. I didn't believe in a lot of what was being said and I didn't like how fake it all seemed. People acting holier than though one day a week while turning a hypocritical cheek and acting differently the other six. Not saying all religious folks are like that because I know they aren't. It's not for me and I'm okay with that. I know what I believe for the most part and I don't want someone in my face trying to convince me otherwise. My boyfriend has his views and I respect that. We can discuss and disagree on things without it turning into a fight. I hate nothing more than having a discussion with someone on a certain subject turn ugly because they can't handle a difference of opinion. I can't stand when someone wants you to believe what they believe because they are right. I also can't stand when people say, "Well you can't prove me wrong so there." Well, you can't prove me wrong either. All you have is words and your own perspective. Shut it and let the conversation die if you can't discuss it without getting pissed off for whatever reason. Of course, it is a topic that people feel strongly and passionately about so you're bound to get rises from people. I don't even mind that if it can be done without it turning into a big pissing match that just goes around and around in circles. When it becomes repetitive and it's becoming more about which person is right over the other, that's when it hits the stopping point for me. I don't think my views are the end all and be all but they are what work for me.

*Ahem* Stepping away from that now, lol.

Monday night after an insanely slow night at work, I came home, checked my bank account balance and then spent too much time playing Devil May Cry on Xbox 360. I fucking love that game. Yes, I play video games. I like sports games and fantasy games. I also love any games with Mario (Super Mario, Mario Party, etc) and Tetris. And all the sports games on Wii. I rock at bowling and baseball. ;)

I hate when I finally lay down to go to sleep and I'm tired but as soon as I lay down, my mind revs up and I can't stop thinking. I have a million things going through my mind. Some serious, some weird, some just flat out stupid. I try to center myself so I can relax and go to sleep but I just can't stop thinking. An hour later, I'm still laying there thinking and trying not to think, lol. Music usually helps because I can lay there listening and just let the lyrics run through my mind. That's the best thing that's been able to help me sleep. Lately though, I just think over the lyrics. I try and concentrate on them once I realize I'm not paying attention anymore but eventually, I end up lost in my thoughts again instead of lost in the music. It fucking sucks, lol. I'm not looking for any help here honestly. I know what will help but I know it isn't going to happen anytime soon. :)

My Stars play tonight and I'm off work and will be home to watch the game! Yes! I was going nuts during the All-Star break. Though it was awesome watching Mike Modano and Stehpane Robidas play in the All-Star game. Even though the West lost to the East. Oh well though. We play Atlanta tonight. Go Stars! =)

Random facts:

I love Numerology.

My mom does my taxes for me.

I love The Clash and The Cure.

I love the TV shows Will & Grace and Two and a Half Men. See, House isn't the only thing I like to watch. ;)

I hate dry toast. I have to have jam, honey or peanut butter on it otherwise I just can't eat it.

Happy Tuesday!