Death and the ugly side of curiosity.

On June 15th, long after I got home from celebrating my birthday and Father's Day with my family, I was laying in bed thinking about what time I needed to be up in the morning. My boyfriend walked in with his phone clutched in his hands and it was one of those moments you just knew something wasn't right. I asked what was wrong and he just handed me his phone and laid down next to me wrapping an arm around me. I read the words on the screen but I couldn't make sense of them. So I read them again. And then a third time. Then I read the names three more times because I was in shock. My friend and her ex had been found dead in what had been the home they shared together up until a few weeks ago when she had begun moving out.

I sat there staring at the words on the screen trying to make sense of it. It was Sunday night. She had been fine Friday. We were having a party on the 21st that she was coming to and was excited about. Instead, my Saturday started by going to her memorial service. That wasn't the way I was supposed to see her that day but that's how it worked out.

Her death made the local news. I went into work the morning after I found out and told my boss what happened so he would understand the mood I was in. He offered to let me go back home and have the morning off. I declined. I needed the distraction and needed to keep focused on something else. Anything else. My co-workers there that day found out from my boss and were supportive and respectful.

As the days passed and a few more details emerged, some of my co-workers and acquaintances decided to start speculating about what may have happened. The death was a murder-suicide so there are so many things left unanswered and unknown. I know people like to talk and speculate about things like this so I avoided news stories and tons of things posted on Facebook and Twitter. I asked my co-workers not to talk about it in front of me.

I learned a new lesson about death. One of the worst things about a friend's death getting media coverage is so many people want to talk to you about it. They'll give you space at first but then they'll get curious and they'll want to talk to you. Because you knew them and maybe you know something that's not mentioned. They'll offer their opinion on what they think happened, an opinion that's based on nothing. Or worse they'll try to pry details out of you like you're just a vault of secrets. Most don't even care that you're hurting, that you're grieving. Their own curiosity is more important than how you're feeling. Some will even get annoyed when you refuse to discuss it. How dare you put your pain ahead of their curiosity! The story was on the news and in the paper so how could I not want to discuss every tantalizing detail?

To them, it's a news story and they're emotionally detached from it. It's something to solve and try to figure out. It's interesting despite the circumstances being unpleasant. So they ask questions and offer scenarios and opinions and want to discuss the whole ordeal with you because you have a better grasp of things and more knowledge of what's going on. It's not because they care, it's just human nature to be curious. Discussing the details and listening to speculation is really the last thing I want to do. To me, I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm confused. I feel lost. I'm aching to understand, to make some form of sense of why this happened not because I'm curious but because if I could just understand, I could cope better. I'll never know more than I know now. I'll never know how things played out and I'll never know why this happened. It's crushing in a way that sudden deaths usually are. I don't find the mystery of all the unknowns interesting; I find them heartbreaking and feel them like heavy rocks weighing me down.

I've had countless people attempt to pry for more details after I've said I don't want to discuss what was on the news. I've had many more offer opinions that I didn't ask for despite me saying I didn't want to discuss it. I've had people try to tell me how I'm supposed to feel and think about my friend because they saw the story.

I understand curiosity, I really do. I'm a very curious person myself. However, I also understand being a decent, respectful human being and understand putting a person's feelings ahead of my own. I've been on the other side of a situation similar to this. Prying and offering speculation to a person directly affected never even crossed my mind. Support was all that I offered because I wanted to help, not do something to make things worse or make them feel worse than they already did. Explaining that concept to people has been exhausting. And it's mostly co-workers, acquaintances and friends of friends. It baffles me that someone would be annoyed or angered by a grieving person not wanting to discuss or speculate about the death of someone they cared about. It's confusing and enraging that a few have even acted like I owe it to them to discuss it.

Unexpected death is hard enough to deal with without having to deal with people you know and others you hardly know pushing you for details and/or offering their opinions on the situation because they saw this here and read that there and that lead them to this conclusion because. I appreciate everyone that's offered their support and respected my wishes to not discuss things. I appreciate that so much more now than I did a week ago because so many people just don't understand or don't care enough not to pry and push.

It's not hard to be decent and respectful. It's not hard to think of how someone else is feeling in a situation where they've lost someone they cared for unexpectedly. Especially when they're telling you how they're feeling and telling you that you're overstepping. It's not difficult to be kind and put their pain ahead of your own desire to feed your curiosity, your desire to know. At least it shouldn't be.

Death Of A Loved One.

“That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again, that shocking.” -Sarah Dessen

Today marks the third year since my grandfather passed away. I didn't think I'd cry today because the days leading up to it, I was fine, unlike the previous two years. I thought that meant I must finally be okay with it. I know I'll always miss him but I thought maybe I was finally to a point where I wouldn't cry over it anymore. I woke up this morning and I heard thunder and pouring rain. That seemed fitting and comforting because the sound of a storm always comforts me. I laid in bed and thought of thunderstorms that happened while at my grandparents house and how sometimes, they'd let us go out and play in the rain if it wasn't a dangerous storm. I smiled and got up to start my day. I felt the familiar dull ache I always feel in my chest when I think of him being gone but still, I didn't think I'd cry. 

I hate to cry and I rarely do it. It's not that it makes me feel weak or silly or anything like that and I don't actively try to prevent it from happening. It just takes a lot to bring me to tears. I used to feel bad about that because I felt like something was wrong with me. I've moved passed that. If it happens, I let it happen. I just dislike feeling that vulnerable, that open, even if I'm by myself. I also never feel better after I cry. I know so many people that talk about how cathartic crying is but I don't feel that. I always feel worse and I'm not sure why. 

So today when I heard a song that's about a man singing about his pain and grief over losing the man he loved and respected and trying to cope with that, I didn't try to stop the tears that spilled from my eyes and streamed down my face. I was happy I was in line at the bank drive-thru at the time and not back at the shop because crying in front of people is awkward. I didn't try to stop myself from crying again when I was putting my groceries in my car after work and I happened to look up and oddly see an older gentleman who looked a lot like my grandfather. As much as I hate crying and even though it doesn't really ever make me feel better, holding it in is much worse.

I think too many people get caught up in trying to move on and file away their sad feelings into a place where they can't bother them anymore. Maybe that works for them. That's all you can do, be honest with yourself and find what works for you and do it. Myself, I can't always focus on the good things and sometimes, I need to be sad about something. It's okay to get sad once in a while over losing someone you love, no matter how many years have passed. You can't let that grief and sadness consume you because it will act like a wildfire in dry brush, it was spread quickly and overwhelm you. It will swallow you whole and won't think twice about it. There's a balance and sometimes it's a very delicate line. 

People always say that time will heal all wounds. That time passing is all that really helps you move on from losing someone you love. In part, that's true. It doesn't happen over night. It never happens as quickly as we like it to. It took me a year before I could change the phone contacts in my cell phone from "grandma and grandpa" to just "grandma." It took me even long to stop referring to it as "grandma and grandpa's" house when I'd say that's where I was going. He died June 9th (which unfortunately also happens to be one of my brother's birthdays) and Father's Day in 2011 happened 10 days later. That year, seeing all the "grandfather" cards out for Father's Day felt like a harsh kick to the gut and I ended up leaving Target a sobbing mess because it hurt to much to think about him being gone. A year later, it was a weird realization that I wouldn't need a Father's Day card for him because holy damn it had been a whole year already. I read some anyway and remember getting sad because I'd never need another card for him again. I'd never get another hug after he read whatever sweet but cheesy thing that card said. Sometimes, it's weird things that set you off. Time does make it easier because those things that felt gut wrenching the first few months on up to the first year didn't sting as sharply. You don't cry as easily. You still miss them but the mass that's made up of all the pain and grief is smaller, duller, not as bright, not as sharp.

It's good to focus on the happy things and the good memories you have of someone and I'm lucky to have a lot of good memories and things to laugh and smile about. Sharing stories and memories helps. It brings you closer to the other people who loved the one you loved. You bond in a way that you don't bond with anyone else because you're sharing thoughts and feelings that they truly understand. It's good to remember the positives but it doesn't fully take away the pain of losing them, doesn't help the ache you feel inside when you miss them and doesn't fix the piece of you that feels like it's gone now. I've come to realize that just because the wound of losing a loved one is healed doesn't mean it never hurts you anymore. You just get better at living with it.

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” -Lemony Snicket

Life can be annoying but don't let that get you down...

There are some things in life that are simple little mistakes I'll probably always make and little life annoyances that will always occur from time to time. 

Like forgetting to put detergent or fabric softener in a load of laundry.

Or trying to open the front door to my apartment with the mail key or better yet, the bulky key to my car on a day where I'm tired, quite stressed or just distracted.

My face or scalp starting to itch just as soon as I get a fresh coat of paint applied to my fingernails.

Or as I'm not so patiently sitting in the floor or on the couch, forgetting my nails are still not completely dry  and grabbing my phone when a notification goes off. This will undoubtedly smudge my polish leaving me to decide whether to leave it or start over on that nail and fix it. (Unless it's really noticeable to the point that it will bother me, I leave it, because I don't care that much.)

Putting away groceries and then BOOM, I remember that other thing I definitely needed to forget but forgot.

Sometimes, I forget to put the juice back in the refrigerator and don't realize it until I'm back home from work much later that day.

I've put my keys somewhere other than where they usually go when I've got a lot of things in my hands when I come in and now I just don't know if I'll EVER SEE THEM AGAIN.

Forgetting to stop by the store for some item I want or need on the way home from work.

I set my alarm for 5 PM instead of 5 AM and wake up after 6 AM in a panic with very little time to get ready. (On these days, I'm especially thankful I live 5 miles from my job.)

These are just a few examples of little mistakes and small annoyances that occur in life. These things can be quite inconvenient and downright annoying. I could get angry or let myself become filled with annoyance and become grouchy for a short amount of time. (Or a long one if a lot of them happen in a short span of time.) However, I don't focus on things like that and let them have that kind of power over me. I don't see a reason why a little annoyance should ruin my mood or wreck my day. This is definitely easier said than done, at first. It's like anything else though; once you make it a habit, it's no problem at all. 

"Shit happens" is something I've heard adults say since I was a little kid. I didn't understand it then but I get it now. Sometimes, shit happens. 

I think a lot of people get too caught up in the little things when it comes to what they let get under their skin. Sometimes, if you've had a bad day and a lot of things have gone wrong, it's hard not to let the little things just get to you. They're the annoying little ants trying to take away the little crumbs of happiness and peace you have left after a trying day and it's hard not to blow up and want to smash them with a hammer as if they're these large, terrible things coming at you. For me, I've learned to just breathe and try to keep things in perspective. I've made a habit of stopping, taking some deep breaths, really thinking about what the annoying this is and then deciding how I'm going to react and handle it. Usually, it's just something to laugh off and let go of. These things are like papers being stuffed into a binder. If you hold on to them, seething and remembering them and holding on letting them continue to be a part of you, you're going to get to full and then everything is going to come spilling out in a big mess or in short spurts of little explosions. 

So, as trite as it sounds, I don't sweat the small annoying stuff or minor errors I make because they don't really matter in the long run. You can't control everything that happens to you and you can't even always stop yourself from doing something stupid or doing something annoying. You can control how you react and how you let it bother you, though. Letting something so trivial steal any bit of happiness isn't worth it. So when I do something that doesn't really hurt anything or cause any real issues, I just laugh it off because I'm not going to remember tomorrow anyway so I'm not going to let it bother me now.

Happy Thursday!

Toys for Tots Fundraiser #5, Final Post.

I have done this fundraiser in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 and again last year in 2013 making it the 5th year in a row. I almost didn't do the fundraiser last year because I didn't have a computer at the time and was working so much I rarely had any free time at all. Then I decided pretty last minute that I didn't want to skip doing it. That even if I only managed to raise $50, it would be something to add to what I was going to buy on my own anyway. So I threw a post up on the blog using my phone (which is quite a bit more tricky than it sounds since the blogger app for my android was a giant pain in the ass many updates ago) and decided to see what I could get. 

In just two weeks, I raised a total of $720 to go shopping with. This of course included my own donation and a very awesome $100 gift card to buy toys off Amazon from a very wonderful lady overseas. I was a bit overwhelmed because given the lack of notice, I didn't expect much but you wonderful people as well as a couple coworkers and some of my amazing friends and family members came through spectacularly, as always.

If you want to see final results of the fundraiser from years passed, you can check all of those out here:

The final results from 2009: Here
The final results from 2010: Here
The final results from 2011: Here 
The final results from 2012: Here


Now, on to some pictures from 2013. As I said, I didn't have a computer to use in December and haven't had one until this month when my boyfriend finally got ours fixed and running again. So I do apologize for the delay in getting this post done. Although I did e-mail pictures to those who request I do so as well as posted a few to Twitter and to my blog's facebook page so there aren't many people that donated that haven't seen the pictures yet but still, posting this is necessary. Right? Right.























If you want to see the full album (22 pictures) then just click here to take a look at the Toys for Tots 2013 Flickr page to view the rest of them. 

I want to say thank you to those of you who donated. Whether it was $2, $10, $25, $50 or more; it doesn't matter. I appreciate it and I know the families that benefit from Toys for Tots doing what they do appreciate it, too. I have so much fun being able to do this. I've donated to Toys for Tots since I was a little kid and my mom let us each buy a couple toys of our choosing to give to them and kept doing so for as long as I can remember.  So blame her for getting me started into this one. ;) Doing it on such a large scale the last few years has been so awesome. I couldn't do it without all of your help so thank you. I also want to say thank you to everyone who posted on their blogs, tweeted links and otherwise badgered told their friends and readers alike about what I had going on in hopes of getting more donations. To everyone who donated or helped in some way... thanks so much! You're wonderful and I heart you. :) Until next time! 

Rambling and ranting...

I learned to do laundry at 13. No matter how long I've done it and no matter many times I've done it, once in a while, I'm going to forget to put in the detergent or the fabric softener. Although, I never forget both. It's either one or the other. Which doesn't make sense because you'd think doing one would just have me doing the other out of habit but nope, not always.


I finally started getting the toys for tots post together from December. Not having a computer up until a week ago made getting it done pretty difficult. Though most who donated have seen all the pictures via email or Facebook already but I still want to get the post up on Monday. I learned from attempting to do that via my phone in January that blogging from a smartphone is okay if you're not typing a lot and not trying to add links and images. Doing that makes it a pain in the ass. Which is one of the biggest reasons I haven't gotten that post up and haven't blogged much lately. Having a desktop again has been great. It's an adjustment getting used to a screen that isn't the size of a playing card, though.


A co-worker a few days ago commented on how tan my legs were and went on a small rant about how she just can't get tan. She asked where I go to tan and I replied, "outside." She got really confused and asked, "is there was an outdoor tanning place or...... I.... what?" I actually had to explain I've gotten a little bronzed up from all the time I've spent at my apartment complex's pool and from going to the driving range for a few hours a couple Saturday afternoons. I don't try to get tan, I just love golf and swimming and do a lot of both when the weather's nice. She was pretty disappointed I didn't have some magic salon I was going to.


I'm a big tea drinker. I've been taking honey ginseng white tea to work lately and yesterday I had a coworker ask me if I was drinking rose water. Do people really drink that with lunch? I've never tasted it but just the smell of roses makes me queasy so I avoid anything to do with roses like the plague.


On the local news this week, there were two stories that irked me because sexism against anyone grinds my gears (Thanks, Family Guy.) One story was, "kitchen recipes men can't mess up!" and the other "kitchen gadgets so easy even a man can figure them out!" The notion that cooking and kitchen stuff is feminine and only something that women should do is dated and asinine. Some of the best cooks I know happen to be male. In fact, one of my guy friends happens to be the only person I will eat a pork tenderloin from and I couldn't tell you what it is about his that I like but I can tell you I dislike every other one I've ever had in comparison. I don't even really like pork as a general rule but dude has mad kitchen skills. Another one of my male friends makes the best homemade pasta I've ever had. I would pay him all the money in my wallet (which ranges from 75 cents to about $20) for his beautiful noodles if he weren't so happy and willing to cook for the joy of doing so and enjoying good company. So, acting like men who cook are less masculine or acting as if men are all ignorant and incompetent in the kitchen? Knock that bullshit off, you look stupid.


My previous blog post about harassment gained a lot of response from it. Both on Twitter, in comments and in emails. Some of them have been maddeningly ignorant and some downright enraging. Lost in that are three guys, one from Twitter and two others that reached out via email, who thanked me for posting it because they appreciated the perspective.

To quote one of them, "I've never realized before that my approaches could be seen or felt as threatening, scary, inappropriate or upsetting. It's just the way I saw things happening in my culture around me and I thought that there was no harm in any of it. I was taught that as long as you don't lay hands, don't yell and don't berate you're not doing anything wrong. We're also taught that sometimes women are playing hard to get which means we need to try harder. I really appreciate reading your perspective here and the way you explained it, I realize now that I'm doing it wrong and that I've unintentionally probably made a lot of women uncomfortable without trying or even knowing I was doing so. That's upsetting because I'd never want to make anyone feel bad or unsafe. I will work to do better from now on." 

The other two echoed those sentiments in a very similar fashion and I can't tell you how happy them reaching out and telling me those things in the midst of all the negativity and ignorance made me. You guys rock and I sincerely hope you all meant it when you said you'd be striving to do better. :)

I should be finishing up other things right now instead of rambling on here. I have to be at work shortly and I'm still in need of running a brush through my hair and putting on some eyeliner. Oh and putting together the delicious orange chicken I'm taking for lunch. If anyone steals my lunch today (rarely happens but when it does....) they'll be getting cut. Or cookie dough thrown at their face. Or handing me over cash or going to buy me food from somewhere. Either way, unpleasantness will fall upon them in some way or another.

Happy Pre-Friday!

Let's talk about harassment.

Something that drives me up the wall is seeing and hearing people blame a person that is a victim or harassment for being harassed. The most common thing I see is blame being placed on the harassed for what they're wearing. Or people saying that clothing is obviously the biggest draw for a harasser. Let's do a little stroll down memory lane with me. Buckle up, this is going to be a long one.

(I go in to specific details on three instances of public harassment that might be triggering to some.)

One lovely Saturday I was at an outdoor mall. You know the type, not outlet stores but a bunch of stores, specialty shops and restaurants grouped together in the same style that outdoor outlet malls tend to use. I was by myself, as I usually tend to be. I was walking along wearing black flip flops, flare jeans and a black Dallas Stars tshirt. I walked passed two guys in their mid-twenties and one of them called out to me. I ignored his cat call and kept walking toward the store I was heading toward. Ignoring it didn't do the trick because he yelled at me again and threw something at me. I stopped, turned and said as politely as I could that I wasn't interested and asked that he leave me alone, please. He didn't like that much, called me a bitch and told me to "bring my white ass back [over there] and talk to [him] right fucking now." I started walking again at that and him and his friend began following me, continuing to yell things at me. I quickly ducked into a Barnes & Noble and ran right into a security guard that was on his way back out of the store to presume his patrol outdoors. I stopped him and explained the situation and pointed to the two guys who were now standing around just outside the doors of the bookstore. He asked if they had laid hands on me and I said they hadn't because I had ducked into the store as quickly as I could once they started following me. He said he would go out and talk to them and tell them to move it along. I went deeper into the store to the magazine shelves so I could still see out on the sidewalk through the windows. I saw him talking to them and watched them look through the windows a few more times before they walked off. The security guard came back in and alerted the store manager to the two guys and then went back on his way. I was afraid to leave the store immediately. I wasn't parked close to the store and didn't want to run into them again. My boyfriend was at work in a city 50 miles from where I was at the time. I was in the city I lived in at the time but I had no friends who lived there. The boyfriend had friends that lived there as it was the city he grew up in. I thought of calling one of them to come up there but felt silly doing that because at that point, I just wanted to get to my car and go home. I decided to hang out in the store for a little while since it's a store I love anyway. After about half an hour, I had found two books I wanted to buy but decided to go over by the magazine shelves and see if those two guys were anywhere in sight. I told myself I was being ridiculous and paranoid. Except I wasn't because they were back to hanging out in front of the store. I decided to call the police. They took off quickly once the police SUV pulled up outside the store. I was asked if I had initiated any of the dialog with them and was questioned about if I had led them on or given them any cause to think I had been interested in them. I hadn't and resented them trying to place fault with me for two guys acting like dicks. I was told they couldn't do anything because the guys hadn't harmed me in any way and asked why I felt it necessary to call the police when it hadn't escalated to them "really doing anything." I was livid because I shouldn't have to wait for violence to occur to take action. The fact that they followed me into a store and came back after a security guard had sent them on their way was threatening enough.  The security guard that had originally dealt with them offered to walk me back to my car. I drove home and once I shut the front door, I started freaking out causing an anxiety attack. I'm not sure why it happened then instead of in the store but then again I often don't understand why they strike when they do. I digress.

Based on societal views, I obviously did something to provoke them. I ignored them, politely asked them to leave me alone when ignoring them only caused persistence, was at an outdoor shopping mall in the middle of the day on a weekend afternoon completely sober and was dressed in loose fitting clothes that covered everything but my forearms, hands and everything from the neck up. I guess it was my fault for having the audacity to not humor a random guy on the street that wanted my attention.

Another instance: I was in a club with my boyfriend and a guy friend. The club wasn't busy and was very laid back in atmosphere. I needed to use the restroom. The restroom was on the other side of the club from where we were sitting at a table and it was upstairs. I walked over to the elevator since that was the only way up to the second floor for the restroom. While waiting on the elevator, a man at a table close by began trying to get my attention. I at first assumed he thought I was a waitress and said, "I'm sorry I don't work here." He replied, "bitch I didn't ask you if you worked here, I said get over here." I replied that I wasn't interested and just needed to use the restroom. He replied that he didn't care and to get over there before he got up and got me himself. He didn't wait for me to respond and got up as the elevator was opening up. Instead of going upstairs, I turned around quickly and went back to my table. I explained what had happened and my boyfriend got up and accompanied me to the restroom. As soon as I got back over there, the same man got up and started to say something to me again, until my boyfriend who is 6'8" and 300 lbs stepped up beside me. The guy looked at him, looked at me and immediately sat back down and averted his attention elsewhere. A little while later, I went to the back patio with my boyfriend since he smoked at the time and I wanted fresh air. The guy who had harassed and threatened me earlier but hadn't been thrown out because "he didn't really do anything" followed us out there. I was afraid he had gotten a few drinks in him and wanted a confrontation. Instead, he came bearing an apology, stating, to my boyfriend and not to me, "I didn't meant to scare her, sorry, I was just trying to talk to her." "That's not how you talk to a woman, ever. And apologize to her, not to me." To which the guy mumbled some garbage and went back inside. We left shortly after that.

 That night, I had on black 2" heels, black pants and a blouse that showed no cleavage, wasn't the least bit see through and the sleeves ended at my elbows. I made no eye contact with anyone but the elevator when I first walked up by myself. I guess being a woman in a club and not originally assuming I'd need my boyfriend to escort me to the fucking restroom was where I fucked up this time. Silly me, assuming I could go to the restroom in peace without some asshole harassing me.

Another instance: I was walking down a street on Sunday afternoon. I don't remember where I was going but I remember it was a beautiful day and I was walking downtown and enjoying the weather and sunshine after so many days of rain. I remember I was wearing jeans, flip flops and a t-shirt, as I quite often do. I remember a car with 4 guys not much older than me pulling up and driving slowly along side me so the passenger could attempt to flirt with me from his car. I moved further away from the street and again, expressed my disinterest and told the guys to leave me alone. He tried a few more lines but I wasn't interested and said as much. This  resulted in the guy harassing me and the one in the backseat passenger side to both throw their sodas at me and call me a skank, slut, bitch, tease and a few other names I don't recall before the driver sped away.

I guess it was my fault for daring to go OUT IN PUBLIC on a nice afternoon by myself and expect no one to bother me. I guess I need to make a lot more friends so I can have someone with me every time I go somewhere. Not that having a person with you always stops someone. Maybe I should hire a bodyguard because I'm obviously asking for harassment by gallivanting around outside by myself, right?

I don't have to give attention to someone just because they want me to give it to them. I'm allowed to decide I don't want to be bothered by a person without having to face verbal or/and physical harassment from them. I should be able to go places, by myself, in the middle of the day, without having to worry about if the person who just said hello is just being polite or if they're going to attempt to take it further and if they're going to react poorly or not. I shouldn't be blamed when a person does react poorly to rejection or being asked to leave me alone.

I'm not saying no person ever decided to single someone out of a group or a crowd because of the way  they were dressed, I'm sure that happens. I'm also sure that if that's a person's motivator, it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with the person they're about to harass. The dialog that surrounds this topic is disturbing because people spend more time pointing fingers at the harassed, trying to tell them what they did wrong and how they have partial blame because of what they're wearing rather than focusing on the person doing the harassing. I'm not at fault for their actions. They make the decision and put forth the effort to act the way they do. Them. Not me. Accountability is a real thing and unfortunately, often times, people would rather tell a person who has been harassed or assaulted what they should do differently to avoid it next time. It's the same kind of bullshit you find in rape culture. "Don't do this, don't wear that, don't say this and it probably won't happen."

"Don't wear that because someone might harass you or worse" is bullshit and incredibly inaccurate because it doesn't often have to do with what a person is wearing. That needs to stop being such a heavy focus point and the focus needs to shift to the fact that people aren't objects and people aren't entitled to demand attention from someone else and react with verbal or physical abuse when they're denied and people that do these things should have repercussions to face when they do react this way.

You wouldn't tell someone who was a victim in an armed robbery that they had it coming because they work in a store with a cash register. 

You wouldn't tell an athlete that had broken their leg that they maybe kind of sort of had it coming to them because they play a contact sport so they should have been more careful.

You wouldn't tell a person who had their home broken into that they deserved it because, duh, homes sometimes get broken in to and look at you over there living in one!

You wouldn't tell someone who got hit in a car accident by another driver that it was their fault because they should have been looking out for what every other driver was doing on the road.

So why do people want to place blame on a person who was harassed instead of the person they should be placing the blame and focus on? By doing this, you're only making it harder to change this. The more you blame people who aren't at fault, the less people will speak out about it because they don't want to be told they're at fault because it's hard to fight a battle when you're starting on the losing end from the get go. Or worse, they listen and believe they really shouldn't have worn those tight jeans to the mall and believe that the guy who copped a feel on the escalator was valid in that because he only did so because he was provoked by them, placing blame on themselves instead of where it really belongs. 

The belief that the way a person dresses is what causes them to be a victim or harassment or an attack is problematic, it's stupid, it's inaccurate and it's not helping anyone. 

Another problem with this assumption is that it gets people thinking if they don't dress a certain way, they don't have to worry about people bothering them. I am harassed far more often when I'm mostly covered and not wearing anything tight or revealing and I'm far from the only person who could truthfully back that statement up. The belief that you'll be safe from harassment as long as you don't wear this and don't do XYZ is harmful and dangerous. Based on societal standards and the usual victim blaming bullshit so many people spout, the amount of times I've been harassed should be significantly smaller.The belief that a person is even somewhat at fault for harassment because of their clothing is enraging. 

A short dress, a tight pair of pants, a low cut blouse, a bikini; none of these things are an open invitation to say lewd things, badger someone for their attention, verbally assault, physically assault or harass them in any way. A short dress is just that, a short dress. It's an article of clothing and doesn't entitle anyone, male or female, to harass another person. Ever.

10 Things...

10 Things I've Learned This Week:

• Not everyone in the world likes breakfast tacos. Obvious because I'm not sure there's anything in the world that every single person would agree on but I'd never considered that there are people who hate breakfast tacos. Or any kind of tacos for that matter. 

• Sunday is absolutely the worst day in the world to go grocery shopping. I'm still not sure what I was thinking aside from really wanting milk so I could continue on with my cereal addiction uninterrupted.

• Even if I hate both teams playing, I will watch hockey if it's on. (Hello, Boston and Philadelphia.)

• Cards Against Humanity is a lot of fun. Twisted, sides aching from laughing fun. I knew this already. The realization I had this weekend was how many weird and fucked up things I've learned about people in my life by playing this game. Things I would've otherwise likely never known had the game and certain cards not opened up into commentary thus revealing things about people that I'd sometimes like to unlearn.

• Some people take the outfits of other people far too seriously. You're not wearing it and it's not hurting anyone, so please, calm the hell down. There's really no need for a five minute tirade about that ugly skirt and why that girl wasted her money. If it makes someone happy and hurts no one, leave it alone.

• Some people will always be offended or upset when you would rather sit at home reading a book or drawing over going out to do something with them. They will always take it personally no matter how many times you explain that it's not them, it's you because sometimes, some of us just need to not be around other people. There's no need to apologize for needing time for yourself.

• Books, music and baking are some of my favorite ways to lose myself but lately boxing has been a pretty favorable activity. Which is surprising to me because I've always thought boxing was a bit ridiculous. 

• Having someone in your life that can always make you laugh is one of the greatest gifts you could ever receive.

• I suck at asking for or accepting help when I need it, no matter what the issue at hand is. I need to get better about that. One day. Eventually. Maybe some day soon.

• A broken blood vessel in your eye is not particularly painful. It is however one of the most annoying things in the world. Seriously, I just want to scoop my eyeball out, latch on an eye patch and call it a day. 

Happy Sunday :)