Death and Life

June is an odd month for me. There's a lot to celebrate as it's one of my younger brother's birthday month, my birthday month, my boyfriend and his sister's birthday month and Father's Day. There's a lot of joy in there but then there are things that were life changing events that make it a harder month to get through emotionally and mentally.

June 9th is one of my younger brother's birthday. It also unfortunately is the day our grandfather passed away. Yesterday was the 4th year since he passed and my brother's 29th birthday. 

The last several years of my brother's life, I've always felt a little guilty because I want my brother to have an amazing day on his birthday, as people should. But I also still get so sad on that day because I miss my grandfather a lot. And I know it's something that weighs on him as well and that sucks. I also understand how much it sucks to lose someone you care for on a day that's supposed to be a damn good one to celebrate life and love and the people in your life. I digress. 

I was lucky to have someone so great that's worth missing so much be such a big part of my life because not everyone's fortunate to have a pair of kick ass grandparents. At the same time, it makes it hurt that much more because losing someone you have a close relationship with sucks. Even if you're a little happy to see them go because you know their pain and suffering is now over and who doesn't want that for a person they love?

Last year on June 13th, my friend Amanda committed suicide. June 15th is my birthday and that also happens to be the day we found out that she had committed suicide. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. In part, because it's hard not to think about it considering my birthday celebration last year ended with me laying in bed only to find she'd been found dead in her ex's kitchen shortly after I'd laid down. Also because it's coming up on that one year and people have been posting things to her Facebook wall. Poems, art, random thoughts, prayers and various other things. All things she'll never see or read but things that make the person posting them feel connected still, in some way. Or maybe it just makes them feel better in another way. I don't judge because I can't bring myself to delete messages from her and can't remove her from my Facebook feed even though I'll never be able to talk to her again. 

Her death was, in several ways, harder to deal with. My grandfather had Alzheimer's (which is what got me into doing the Alzheimer's Walks and fundraising for the Alz Association) and he was sick for quite a while before he finally couldn't fight anymore. Amanda, I didn't see that coming because you rarely ever see suicide coming. I had plans to see her and hang out the following weekend. I went to her funeral that day instead, which wasn't the way I wanted to spend time with her.

It wasn't the first friend I'd lost like this but it's not something that gets easier. It's hard and you go through so many emotions. I still occasionally get so goddamn mad at her for being gone and then a few minutes later I'm crying because I just miss her and wish I could split fajitas and some margaritas. I know it won't be as bad this year as it was last year, though. I won't be shocked and devastated because she's already gone. And as hard as it is to cope with death, it does get easier the more time passes by.

My grandfather's death was the first death I'd gone through that was someone I was truly close to. I feel guilty saying that because I'd lost other friends and relatives that I honestly didn't know that well before him. Those deaths sucked in different ways but his was the first one that was heartbreaking and devastating for me. I kept having people telling me it would get easier the more time that went by and after that first year, I really understood that nothing would be as awful as the first year of adjusting to the fact that he was gone. There were so many things that I didn't realize would hurt that did. Not needing birthday cards or father's day cards for him anymore. Not needing to buy a present for him at the holidays. Addressing Christmas cards solely to my grandmother and not to both of them. Changing the name in my cell phone from "Grandpa & Grandma" to just "Grandma." Watching a basketball game and remembering the reason I even like watching basketball is because I used to watch it with him and got into it because of him. Tons of little things that never even crossed my mind but felt like punches right to the gut. Now, after several years, moments like that happen few and very far in between.

With both of them, I think I thought it would stop hurting much more immediately than it did despite really knowing better. Maybe I naively hoped I could get passed it and be okay faster than I really did.  Like it couldn't possibly keep being painful year after X amount of time because at some point, you're obviously going to realize you've cried all your tears and had all of your sad moments. Then you could just think fondly of them and remember happy times and feel gratitude at the time you had with them and nothing will hurt anymore because it's been long enough. That's a really nice thought but it's not realistic and that realization sucks. There isn't a "long enough" and another realization that this one brought on is that that's okay, too. It's okay to cry and miss them and hurt. As long as you're not dwelling there and do remember all the good, it's okay to not be okay after you lose someone you love. It's okay to not be okay sometimes even after it's been a while. There's no time limit and no reason to feel guilty or ashamed over how you feel.

Death Of A Loved One.

“That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again, that shocking.” -Sarah Dessen

Today marks the third year since my grandfather passed away. I didn't think I'd cry today because the days leading up to it, I was fine, unlike the previous two years. I thought that meant I must finally be okay with it. I know I'll always miss him but I thought maybe I was finally to a point where I wouldn't cry over it anymore. I woke up this morning and I heard thunder and pouring rain. That seemed fitting and comforting because the sound of a storm always comforts me. I laid in bed and thought of thunderstorms that happened while at my grandparents house and how sometimes, they'd let us go out and play in the rain if it wasn't a dangerous storm. I smiled and got up to start my day. I felt the familiar dull ache I always feel in my chest when I think of him being gone but still, I didn't think I'd cry. 

I hate to cry and I rarely do it. It's not that it makes me feel weak or silly or anything like that and I don't actively try to prevent it from happening. It just takes a lot to bring me to tears. I used to feel bad about that because I felt like something was wrong with me. I've moved passed that. If it happens, I let it happen. I just dislike feeling that vulnerable, that open, even if I'm by myself. I also never feel better after I cry. I know so many people that talk about how cathartic crying is but I don't feel that. I always feel worse and I'm not sure why. 

So today when I heard a song that's about a man singing about his pain and grief over losing the man he loved and respected and trying to cope with that, I didn't try to stop the tears that spilled from my eyes and streamed down my face. I was happy I was in line at the bank drive-thru at the time and not back at the shop because crying in front of people is awkward. I didn't try to stop myself from crying again when I was putting my groceries in my car after work and I happened to look up and oddly see an older gentleman who looked a lot like my grandfather. As much as I hate crying and even though it doesn't really ever make me feel better, holding it in is much worse.

I think too many people get caught up in trying to move on and file away their sad feelings into a place where they can't bother them anymore. Maybe that works for them. That's all you can do, be honest with yourself and find what works for you and do it. Myself, I can't always focus on the good things and sometimes, I need to be sad about something. It's okay to get sad once in a while over losing someone you love, no matter how many years have passed. You can't let that grief and sadness consume you because it will act like a wildfire in dry brush, it was spread quickly and overwhelm you. It will swallow you whole and won't think twice about it. There's a balance and sometimes it's a very delicate line. 

People always say that time will heal all wounds. That time passing is all that really helps you move on from losing someone you love. In part, that's true. It doesn't happen over night. It never happens as quickly as we like it to. It took me a year before I could change the phone contacts in my cell phone from "grandma and grandpa" to just "grandma." It took me even long to stop referring to it as "grandma and grandpa's" house when I'd say that's where I was going. He died June 9th (which unfortunately also happens to be one of my brother's birthdays) and Father's Day in 2011 happened 10 days later. That year, seeing all the "grandfather" cards out for Father's Day felt like a harsh kick to the gut and I ended up leaving Target a sobbing mess because it hurt to much to think about him being gone. A year later, it was a weird realization that I wouldn't need a Father's Day card for him because holy damn it had been a whole year already. I read some anyway and remember getting sad because I'd never need another card for him again. I'd never get another hug after he read whatever sweet but cheesy thing that card said. Sometimes, it's weird things that set you off. Time does make it easier because those things that felt gut wrenching the first few months on up to the first year didn't sting as sharply. You don't cry as easily. You still miss them but the mass that's made up of all the pain and grief is smaller, duller, not as bright, not as sharp.

It's good to focus on the happy things and the good memories you have of someone and I'm lucky to have a lot of good memories and things to laugh and smile about. Sharing stories and memories helps. It brings you closer to the other people who loved the one you loved. You bond in a way that you don't bond with anyone else because you're sharing thoughts and feelings that they truly understand. It's good to remember the positives but it doesn't fully take away the pain of losing them, doesn't help the ache you feel inside when you miss them and doesn't fix the piece of you that feels like it's gone now. I've come to realize that just because the wound of losing a loved one is healed doesn't mean it never hurts you anymore. You just get better at living with it.

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” -Lemony Snicket

It's been a year since he died..

Today is the birthday of one of my younger brothers. He turns 26 today. I turn 27 on June 15th making me not even a full year older than he is. He lives in Northern California so I won't see him today. I can't exactly remember the last time we celebrated birthdays together though it was at some point when I lived out in California years ago. 

Today is also the date that makes it one year since our grandfather passed away. I remember sitting in my aunt's living room, we knew his time was getting closer and all I could hope for was that he would pass before midnight struck on the 8th or hold on for another day so he didn't pass on my brother's birthday. I know it seems like a silly thing to hope for but no one wants the day of their birth, a day most people celebrate, to be a day that is also marked as the loss of someone you love who was an important person in your life. You can celebrate their life, remember the good times, all that stuff but it still hurts. There's no amount of happy memories and laughter that can fill that void where that person used to be. Those things just make it easier to deal with.


I sat in my aunt's living room and after the clock was passed midnight, I knew it wouldn't be much longer. Maybe I was just bracing myself for it to happen, I don't know. I didn't sleep much. I was tired but I felt restless. Around 6 AM, we got the news, he was gone. I remember feeling like I needed to cry but being unable to. In a way, I was happy he wasn't in pain anymore and it was hard at that moment to be sad about him dying because I knew he wasn't suffering anymore for the first moment in a long time.I went outside and watched the sun rise for the first time in a long time. I remember I kept thinking that maybe I was dreaming because everything felt so surreal right then. I was thinking that maybe this wasn't really happening, maybe I'd wake up and everything would be fine. It didn't take long for me to snap out of that and fall in to feeling numb. I didn't want to cry or feel sad so I just tried to feel nothing and focused more on other things. I do that a lot. I'm not an overly emotional person and dealing with emotions that aren't anger is so hard for me. Being emotional around other people, even if it's family, is also very hard for me. I have a hard time opening up like that. 


I really can't believe it's been a year. It gotten easier to deal with as more time went by, though. I know most people don't see their grandparents often but I grew up seeing mine often and they were both a big influence on my life. I grew up looking up to my grandpa. I admired him so much. I don't cry much over his passing anymore but I've never been much of a crier. I do still occasionally get hit with sadness and it always happens over things that I wouldn't expect to make me think of and miss him.

Sometimes when I find myself missing him, I sit out on front porch and just look out at the stars and clear my head or think about happy memories I have with him. And I have so many good memories with him. He used to sit out on the porch all the time and I used to like to sit out there with him when I was taking a break from playing or doing something. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we would just sit quietly. Granted, the sitting quietly never lasted long for me. I learned more from him than I ever realized and more than he probably ever thought he'd passed on to me. He was a great man and I'm happy I was lucky enough to have him be such a part of my life. I still miss him but then again I probably always will.

10 months ago today, we lost you...

Today makes it 10 months since my grandpa died. He had so many things he battled through and overcame. War. Cancer. Alzheimer's though, he couldn't shake that, sadly. It's horrible to watch someone you love be slowly taken over by such a horrible disease.

When I started thinking about it today, I had the idea to make it a blog post so I'd have somewhere to voice all the thoughts I was having. Now that I'm sitting here typing this, it's difficult to find the words I want to share. The thoughts are still there, it's just sharing them, typing them out? It seems so odd still to write about how I feel now that he's gone. There are things I want to say, things I feel would help me if I could say them out loud but, I can't bring myself to because they seem so personal. Like they're meant to just be my thoughts or memories, not to be shared with anyone, even though I think it would help to voice some of those feelings.

I have a few things of his that are mine now. My grandma wanted us all to have something of his. I have the watch he wore every day. I remember days where I'd sit in his lap in the recliner in his house and I'd randomly ask him what time it was. He'd show me that watch and ask me what time it was. I remember how grown up and special it seemed to me then to wear a watch and was excited when my mom let me get my first watch. She probably doesn't even remember it but I do. It was a cheap little watch, the type with the plastic clasp and rubber band with a cartoon character on it. Now I have that watch I show him wear every time I saw him. The watch I always asked to look at because the face was so big and it seemed so fancy to me at the time because I didn't have anything like it. It mostly stays in it's box now but sometimes I take it out. I've worn it a few times but it doesn't fit well and the face takes up most of my wrist. Sometimes when I really miss him, it helps to wear it. I think because it just brings back happy memories of him for me.

Another thing she gave me where a pair of his cufflinks. He had so many pairs and they're all so pretty. The pair she gave me have a pair of gemstones in them, tiger's eye to be exact. They're very pretty. They also just sit in their box but sometimes I like to look at them. I remember when he used to dress nice for family events. He usually just wore coveralls all the time so when he was dressed in something different, it was always a little surprising to me. I'd always expect him to come over and be in those coveralls but when he was dressed up, he looked like a snazzy business man to me.

We spent so much time there growing up. They visited often. I grew up thinking for a while that every kid saw their grandparents as much as we did. I learned pretty quickly that wasn't the case and that not every kid even liked to have theirs around. Mine, I loved having around and was always happy when they came to visit for the day or came to take my brother and I home for the weekend. Or longer during Spring Break and Summer.

My grandma wasn't strict but she had certain things she didn't like us getting in to. One of the things was a little wooden train that sit in the floor with a couple other things. She used to hate us playing with that little wooden train. It wasn't a toy but myself and all the grand kids like to play with it. I always had a love for locomotives so I especially loved playing with it. We'd drag it out when grandma wasn't around, trying not to get caught with it. Then we usually did. Then she'd tell us that it wasn't a toy and to put it back up. Then always, right on cue, grandpa would interject and tell her to leave me or whomever was playing with it alone. She'd say it's not a toy. He'd say, "it's just a wooden train, let 'em alone with it." And she did.

I know I'll always miss him. Especially since he was such a part of my life and I looked up to and respected him so much. I miss our chats on the front porch. I miss his random comments when no one thought he was paying attention to the conversation. I miss his blunt honesty. I miss hugging him and hearing him call me sugar. He's the only person who could get away with calling me that because from anyone else, I can't stand that pet name. I at least have a lot of happy memories with him and can focus on those when I'm sad and thinking about him. And mostly, I know he's not confused and in pain and suffering anymore. I know he'll never read this but I always hope I did a good enough job of letting him know that I appreciated and loved him very much. I don't torture myself with thinking about things I could have done or times I could have spent because at the end, you'll always find things you should have or could have done differently. All you can do is hopefully be happy with what was done and I really am. So while I'm sad and thinking about him today more than other days where I think about and miss him, I'm also a little happy, too. Emotions really are such a complex thing.

Excuse me while I get emotional...

Excuse me if I end up rambling and not making much sense or repeating myself at all the further into the post you get. I'm a bit emotional and I can't really get my thoughts and words to cooperate with one another for the sake of being articulate. I need to write this out and emotions are messy, ugly things sometimes which I'm sure will be reflected in this rambling post. Anyway...

I was talking to a friend yesterday about Christmas type stuff. She asked me how my blog's fundraiser was coming along and I admitted it hadn't gone as well as the first two years. I wondered in part if that's because I just wasn't putting as much effort into it as I had the previous two years but that's not the case. Though, I almost didn't do it this year because when I thought about it, it seemed like I might not be able to get into the spirit of doing it. But, I'm glad I did because it's given me something good to focus on and doing it really does make me so happy and I needed something to be happy about during the holiday season. I love helping people and through this, a lot of families will get help during their financially rough holiday season. (Which by the way, there are only 11 days left to donate to the Toys for Tots fundraiser.) That conversation led us to the topic of presents for our friends and loved ones. We were talking about what we planned to get our families and in my case what I had already gotten for mine since I'm almost done with my gift shopping already. I really just wanted to get it over with and out of the way with as quickly as possible. Then we started talking house decorations and such. I started thinking about how this would be my first Christmas without Grandpa here. I forgot what I said exactly but it was something to do with decorations and my grandparents house.

Which caused this response from my friend....

"You know, you still always refer to it as your grandparent's house or your grandma and grandpa's place, right? But it's been almost 6 months since he died, don't you think you should just refer to it as your grandma's house by now?"

And the thing is, she wasn't trying to be rude or an ass. She was just asking because she was generally curious if I realized I still did that. And I hadn't really realized that because it was just the way I phrased it out of habit. She didn't even realize it might be an insensitive thing to say until I started crying. Then she was freaking out, apologizing and then crying herself because she felt so bad. She's never had anyone close to her die before. Her worse experience with death so far in life has been having to say goodbye to a few goldfishes before.

Maybe I should stop referring to it as "their" house but I don't. I still think of it as their house even though he passed away this summer. They lived there before I was born. It was their house long before I was even thought of, before my parents even knew each other. That's the house I spent many weekends, Spring Breaks, weeks at a time during Summer break and so on and so forth in. It's a place I grew up at and a place I spent a lot of time at. And it was "their" house for my entire life up until this passed June when he passed away, in that house. I spent 25 years spending time in that house and I've always referred to it as "grandma and grandpa's house" or "my grandparents house" and I cant seem to wrap my head around getting myself to think of it differently, even though he's been gone for almost half a year.

When I go visit my grandma, I say just that, that I'm going to visit her. It's not like I haven't accepted he's gone. It would be hard to be in denial about that after seeing his lifeless body at his viewing. I understand he's gone. I go visit my grandma and I still see so much of him there. Pictures, his chair, his room, his bed and tons of other things I've always associated with him. It's hard not to think of it as "their" home when there's sill so much of him there, including the urn that has his ashy remains in them, lol.

A few people told me the holidays would be hard. I thought that it would be difficult but I didn't really understand how it would feel. I got mad at myself on Thanksgiving because I found myself standing in my aunt's kitchen cooking and wishing he would be there to eat the macaroni and cheese I was making from scratch because he liked it so much. I almost cried while I was standing there melting the cheeses because I just missed him so much at that moment and wished he could be there for it. Then I was angry at myself for being upset because I sometimes feel like it shouldn't hurt so much still. And even though I know that's silly, I was grateful for that because I hate crying in front of people and that anger at myself kept me from bawling into the mac and cheese in front of my family. And I was happy for that for another reason; because it was my grandmother and my mom and my aunts and he was their father and they weren't crying. Maybe they wanted to but they were holding it together and making the best of the day even though I knew my grandmother was hurting horribly. I didn't want to be the one that set everyone else into a depressing mood or a crying fit.

Now as it's Christmas this and Christmas that all over the place, it's hard. I look at the Christmas tree we have in our living room and I remember the last cute little tree they had at their house and I wonder if my grandma will even bother with putting one up this year. I wonder if she'll stay with my mom and aunt or my other aunt for a few days so she doesn't have to be alone on the holiday. I thought about how I wouldn't have to get him any of the things he always wanted every year for Christmas but when I go somewhere and see any one of his favorite things, I wish I had a reason to buy any or all of them still. It hurts in such a deep aching way and sometimes, I don't know how to deal with it. I feel grateful that he's gone because he's not suffering in any way any longer. I want to laugh and smile because I feel so lucky to have had him around for so long, to have had such a good relationship with him, for him caring so much for us and for the good memories I have with him. And I want to cry because I miss him and it hurts that he's not around anymore.

I remember Christmas when I was 10. We lived in this two story house that had a tiny little front porch on it that held two chairs. My grandpa always sat outside on the porch for a while. He liked to just sit out there and watch the world go by and think. I remember that year I sat outside with him in a Tasmanian Devil t-shirt, a hideously ugly jacket that I thought was awesome at the time and track pants with a Santa hat on and asked him why he liked sitting outside so much when it was so cold. He said being outside was calming, relaxing. It was quiet and there was just nature and his thoughts if he wanted to think or reflect. Being out in the open air, seeing the trees, the grass and smelling those things was a nice place to be. I remember pointing out that it was icy and cold and you couldn't really smell anything besides cold. He laughed and asked me what I thought cold smelled like. I said ice cubes and he did a little half smile and agreed with me. Then I just sat out there with him for a long time and didn't say anything else until we went in to eat.

And it's memories like those that I try to focus on right now because I have plenty of good memories of him. And plenty of great ones from all the Christmases he was around for. The thing about focusing on the happy times though is knowing you'll never have more like them but trying to be thankful and happy that you had them in the first place. I often end up sad whilst thinking of good memories of him I have just because it makes me miss him. Sometimes I end up crying and a times it's out of pain and sadness, other times it's more of a happy yet bittersweet feeling.

Death is such a weird fucking thing to deal with.

The holidays are rough sometimes...

I'm feeling kind of odd about Thanksgiving. My grandfather died this summer, in early June. I saw him often and grew up seeing my grandparents all the time and spending lots of weekends and stuff with them. It's been hard coping at time with the fact that he's not around. Saturday, I went to my grandma's house with my mom and two youngest siblings. We helped her with the yard work because grandpa always kept up with it and she's not much for it. It was fun and felt good being outside and doing it together but I kept thinking about various things. Like growing up and watching my grandpa do the yard work. Or going back into his shed to pull out various tools we needed and thinking about how huge that shed had seemed when I was a little kid but how small it seems now. I stood in there for a minute looking at everything and felt sad knowing he'd never step in there again, those tools that were once all in a certain spot just "where ever" now because other family members who used them just put them back in no certain order. After the yard work, we played games while watching the Stars game on TV. No comments from the recliner in the corner of the living room during the game, he's not there to make comments about anything anymore.

We also talked about what the plans for Thanksgiving would be. Grandma isn't much on cooking because grandpa really enjoyed cooking. He did a lot of the cooking for Thanksgiving. Grandma never learned to do a turkey or a chicken because he always handled it. And in her words, "I'm in my 80's and don't care to learn the proper way to cook a damn turkey anyway." I hadn't even thought of it until she mentioned the cooking thing but this will be the first Thanksgiving I'll have been home for that I won't be eating something he cooked. I won't be watching him cook or pestering him for anything.

It's the little things like those things that really make me sad. Like having Thanksgiving dinner without him. Not having him at the table for any sarcastic remarks about anything. He didn't say a lot at times but when he did say something, it was worth hearing and really listening to. Up until the last couple years when he fell in and out of knowing what was really going on. Alzheimer's is a bitch and I don't wish anyone to every have to go through that or watch someone they love go through it. Everyone says the first year is the hardest when someone you're close to dies because it's hard to adjust to them not being around for all the big events and holidays they've always been around for. I'm doing better with it but it's still rough and I miss him.

We're spending Thanksgiving at my aunt's house in East Texas this year, which will be a first. Grandma said she didn't want it at her place because she couldn't stand to be there without him being there. An aunt had a suggestion to just go to a restaurant but my grandma doesn't do well around noisy places and I'm seriously hate the idea of going out to dinner on Thanksgiving anyway. So we're doing it at my aunt's house instead. I know there will inevitably be some sadness but I'm hoping everyone will focus more on the present and the good memories we all have of passed years. Whenever I get upset or feel sad or just miss him, that's what I like to do. I think about a happy memory of him or some of the good times we had. Which makes me miss him but it also makes me feel better at the same time.

I hope no matter where you go or what you'll be doing this year (if you celebrate) that you'll take a moment and be happy for all that you have. And I hope everyone has an enjoyable holiday celebration around people they care about. Though I know sometimes, that's a hell of a lot easier said than done because no one can drive you crazy like your own damn family can. :)

Okay that's enough rambling from me. One more thing really quick, though. I know y'all are probably sick of seeing it but that's too bad, I am annoying when it comes to raising money for causes/charities I take part in. :) There's just a few weeks left to donate to my Toys For Tots Fundraiser. It doesn't take much to help out! The majority of the donations I've received have been for $5 to $10. Every little bit helps and it's for a great cause. Click the link to check out the post to see more information, passed fundraisers and see the pictures! So, donate if you can please and feel free to post about this on twitter, your blog, tumblr, facebook; whatever social media you spend time online. It would be much appreciated. And thanks so much to those who have donated. :)

Happy Wednesday!!!

It's been three months since he died...

Today makes it three months since my grandfather passed away. Anyone who read that post or anyone who has followed me or known me long enough knows how important he was to me.

I know how lucky I was to have such a good relationship with him and I am thankful for that and thankful for all the good memories of him I have.

It's still hard to think of him as being gone, though. Since he passed three months ago we went through what would have been my grandparents 64th wedding anniversary (less than a month after he passed), my grandmother's birthday and what would have been my grandfather's birthday at the end of August.

I think the first year will be the hardest because it's all the firsts he won't be around for. It's just weird to not think of him being at family events or not talking to him when I talk to grandma. Him not being there when we go to visit and just lots of things to get used to.

I know with time it will get better though. At first, lots of things made me cry. Certain songs that made me think of him would get me tearing up. A few times watching Rangers baseball games made me cry. I'd see things, smell things, hear things and think of things that reminded me of him and I'd cry. It hurt a lot and I hated that it made me cry so easily because I'm rarely brought to tears by anything. One night, I was laying in bed with the boyfriend and something he said reminded me of grandpa and I just started sobbing. He laid there with me, rubbing my back, letting me cry, getting me tissues, getting me water, hugging me; generally being the supportive and amazing man he is. He understands how it feels. His grandfather was his father figure and him, his mom and his little sister lived with their grandparents until the boyfriend was 17. Then they got a house a quarter mile down the street so they would still be close.

Three months later, though? Things make me sad, things make me miss him, I get emotional sometimes but I don't cry over everything any more. Things don't even get my eyes watering very often any more. I don't feel bad about that because it's a good thing. It's good to take time to grieve and mourn but you have to be able to move forward, too. It doesn't mean you're forgetting or caring less but you can't stay stuck in grief and sadness because it will consume you and effect you and people around you negatively. Your life can't stop because you lose someone you love.

I'll always love him and always miss him. Some days are still hard but, I know it gets better with time. And I'll always have the memories of all the great moments and happy times I had with him.

My birthday post might be a bit of a downer but...

Today is my birthday. I'm now 26 yet still get mistaken for being 18-22. Usually under 21. We went out Monday night to watch Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs and out of the table, I was the only one asked for an ID when ordering a drink. Yet I'm older than all but one of those people, lol. And it's not that the waitress knew them better or that they go there more. I just look young. Which I'm sure I'll be thankful for once I'm quite a few more years older. ;)

I'm having a hard time being excited about it, really. I usually love birthdays, always have. My grandpa died Thursday. His viewing and service was Saturday. He's being cremated today. It's just hard to be happy and excited for much right now, I miss him. And it's my first birthday I won't get a birthday card from him and my grandma. There was always just one, signed together.

I am proud of myself, though. I've kept true to what I said I would do. I've cried whenever I felt sad. I've laughed and shared good memories when I felt like doing so. I haven't been letting myself lay in bed and sleep more than I would because that always just makes me feel worse. I haven't been angry with myself and gone over every single time I could have visited or called when I didn't. I realize that no matter how much time I spent, in the end, it will always seem like it wasn't enough. I haven't and will continue to not dwell on that because doing so would be useless. He knew how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. I made sure I told him as much every time I saw him the last couple years as his health increasingly continued to worsen and worsen.

So later, after the service they're having this morning before he's cremated (something to do with his military background I believe, yay veterans respecting their deceased fellows) I think I'll try to do something fun tonight. The boyfriend has work and I'm not sure my family will be up for anything but that's what friends are for. Being a Wednesday it might be tough but I'm at least going to find a little something fun to do. I think he'd like me top carry on and do something pleasant, even if I am sad and missing him horribly.

Happy Wednesday y'all.