Bi bi.

I am bisexual.

I'm not bisexual because I think it's hot.

I'm not bisexual for attention.

I'm not bisexual to make other people think I'm wild, freaky or sexy.

I noticed that I was attracted to other girls at a really young age. Long before it was hip and trendy to do and be so. I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like I was wrong and weird. I wondered about what was wrong with me. I was angry at myself for being "that way" and not understanding how or why it had happened. In turn, it made it seem like I was angry at everyone else around me. Teenage angst I guess. I wasn't comfortable talking to anyone about what was "wrong with me" and why I was so uncomfortable and angry about it. I was ashamed of myself and didn't want to tell anyone what was going on with me. A couple years later, I happened upon some books that helped me understand that there wasn't a single fucking thing in entire world wrong with me. I was fine and there was nothing I needed to feel dirty and ashamed about. I read more and more on bisexuality and homosexuality and formed an opinion on it. I felt better and stopped being angry with myself for the feelings I had. I hadn't done anything that made that happened. It was just the way I was. I still didn't tell any of my family anything though. I did get to where I would tell people. Friends. Girls that I picked up vibes from that seemed to be good. They usually were. It wasn't until this year, earlier in the year, when I finally just asked my mom if she knew. She said she suspected but hadn't been sure and wasn't going to ask that. Fine with me.

It's funny how people you know are when they find out something like that. To me, it seems like no big deal. People around me tell me they don't care and see nothing wrong with it. Some of my friends, newer friends, knew from pretty much the get go. They're okay with it or they aren't and they just don't acknowledge it. That's fine too. It's not something I go around talking a lot about. Some people really are fine about it. Indifferent even with a few. Which I am grateful for honestly. Some say they aren't bothered by it in any way.

Some of them, are full of shit.

I can remember an instance over a year ago where someone close to me saw something about a bisexual girl in a news story. They read the story and commented that if she hadn't been a disgusting slut, she might not have had the troubles she had. I asked what made the girl in the story a disgusting slut. That person replied back that bisexuality and homosexuality were disgusting.

Today, that person would deny ever saying that to me if I brought it up. They claim to not care and not think anything bad about me being bisexual. They didn't know I was at the time that comment about the girl was made. I know that despite what they say, they probably think the same about me to some degree.

They might try to say they don't remember saying such a thing. Maybe they honestly don't. I remember because they are someone semi-close to me. I also remember because all I thought at the time was if they would call me a disgusting slut if they knew I was bisexual as the girl in the news story was. They wouldn't ever say that to me. Maybe about me to someone else. Never to me though. They'd never admit they were disgusted by a small part of me.

I don't call myself bisexual just because I'm attracted to girls. I've fooled around with girls. Several girls. Not just one or two in an experimental kind of way. I've had female friends with benefits before. I even went on dates with a couple different girls a long time ago because I thought I wanted to be done with men. I learned from that that I wouldn't ever likely be in a relationship like that again with another female. Friendship and sexual stuff, I can handle and I do enjoy.

Some people discount it because they don't know those things. They think I just like to point out hot chicks and go to strip clubs to watch the pretty half naked women dance. It's true on both points but I've also been with other females and still have interest in doing things like that.

Other things people think is that because I like and have been with girls and guys that I'm easy. If I do both it must be because I just can't get enough sex so I go crazy and take all I can get. That isn't true either and it's silly to think so.

Another thing is more recently, it's become really trendy for girls to get drunk or just act up in public with a female friend. Kissing and groping on each other just to get attention. Just so guys will find them sexy and adventurous. Hot. Wild. Shit like that. I don't do that either and I really dislike girls who do honestly. It gives people the wrong impression and that is annoying.

Another thing that really pisses me off are the girls who assume that because I'm bi, I must be attracted to ever girl on the planet. Really? Could you be more shallow? Just because I like the look of one brunette girl doesn't mean I find every brunette under the sun sexy. Just as with guys, attitude and personality play a lot into it as well.

I wonder sometimes why it should matter what I do and don't like. I'm comfortable with it. More so, my boyfriend is comfortable with it. I don't talk about girls or my experiences with them in front of a lot of people. It's not that I'm ashamed of it but I just don't speak so openly about that. There are a lot of misconceptions about it and I don't want people acting differently around me just because they bought in to one. Or just because it's a subject that all around makes them uncomfortable. That's fine. I get it and even understand how it would be an uncomfortable subject for people. They have a right to be uncomfortable by something and really I don't care until they want to be a righteous asshole about it. I just wonder though why it matters what I like to do and don't like to do. Sexuality is not the biggest part of my life. It's not the thing that stands out about me the most. It's not all that I do. It's not all that I talk about and say.

It's not something that affects most people one way or another really. Only in their mind, if they choose to let it be something they think about or something they associate me by. I'm still the same person in every other way that I was before they knew. So why does the simple fact of learning my orientation automatically make some people see and treat me differently? I wonder about things like this sometimes, ya know? Though honestly, I don't give a fuck. I am who I am. People can take me or leave me. I can't change opinions of minds that are already made up on something and if I have to, it's probably not worth my time anyway. I'm pretty comfortable being me. :)



Happy Thursday!!!