Some people, baby, it's something I don't understand....

I know people go out to eat for a variety of reasons. No time to cook a meal, they just feel like going out, it's more convenient, they can't cook, they're not in the mood to cook, they're not in the mood to have to prep, cook and clean up, etc etc etc. I'm all fine with that. Without those reasons and more, people would always stay home for their meals and drinks and if they never went out, I wouldn't have a job. I don't mind working in the service industry. A lot of people look down on it, a lot of people think a lot of bullshit about it. Whatever, fuck you. What I do hate is people who come in, make a huge mess and then leave. Would you fucking use your finger to get excess honey mustard off your chicken at home and then wipe the extra sauce on the table top? I fucking think not. If you do, that's nasty. So why when you go out somewhere else, do you think it's okay to do things like that? Do you throw lettuce and used napkins on the floor at home? Nope, didn't think so. Do you wipe ketchup and other condiments on your table top when you use too much? No? Well, shucks. Oh what's that? When you have ice cream at home, you don't fling whipped cream underneath the table or smear it on top of the table because you got more than you want? You don't let your kids pour condiments out on the table just for kicks at home? You don't chunk your excess bread or uneaten veggies onto the ground underneath the table possibly saving them for another while currently getting them off your plate and out of your sight? Well, I'll be damned!

You don't do that shit at home because A)It's unacceptable behavior. B)It's disgusting and not that sanitary. C)If you or your family make messes like that at home, you're going to have to be the one to fucking clean them up. D)It's fucking disgusting. (Yes, I had to go there twice.)

I get that part of my job is cleaning up after the customers are done at their tables. I get that, really I do. Mostly, I don't mind. Pick up some napkins, some straw wrappers maybe, discard what ever is left and yadda yadda. Seriously though, you don't have to make a huge mess just because you're not the one that has to clean it up. Just because we get paid for our job doesn't mean you can make an even bigger mess either. We have plenty of work to do to keep us busy, you don't need to add on to it by being a disgusting slob.

You don't want pickles on your burger? Fine. When you order it, say you don't want the fucking pickles on it. Don't know what comes on it? ASK. Most of us know our menus pretty well and if you want to know something we don't know about an item, we can always ask someone who does know. You don't want to be a pain with a special order? You're more of a pain when you hold off and then when you get your food just pull off what you don't want and lay it on the table or drop it on the ground. It doesn't magically disappear people. If you won't ask for whatever you don't want on something, get a napkin and put it in there. Use an extra plate and lay it there. Leave it on your own fucking plate and push it to the side. Just don't throw it around.

You got too much ranch on your salad? Too much mayo on your burger? Too much whipped cream on your sundae? Scraping off the extras and then wiping them on top of the table is gross. Do you really want to sit there eating with ranch or some other condiment smeared on your table? I wouldn't. Don't have enough napkins given to you? ASK FOR ME. We have PLENTY and will happily give you more if it means we don't have to scrub at mayo that's been sitting there for 40 minutes.

I get that you're happy you're not having to cook or clean when you go out. Who wouldn't be? It's nice to let someone else worry about that stuff for the night. I don't expect people to clean their own tables up but making a bigger mess than necessary is just ridiculous. It's not just little kids who make these messes. I'm talking teenagers, twenty-somethings and even middle aged people just throwing stuff here and there and wiping gunk everywhere. I even asked a lady once, semi recently, if she needed more napkins because I noticed she was pulling lettuce off her sandwich and tossing it to the ground. She shrugged and said she didn't want any napkins but thanks anyway. The she giggled to her friend and said she wouldn't be cleaning the mess up anyway so what did she care? I pulled out the ice pick then, watching her smug little look crumble right off her bitchy face as I cracked her skull open.... in my imagination.

I know not all servers are nice. Some are bitchy. Some act like they just don't care to be bothered with you. Some would rather flirt with other customers and co-workers. Blah blah blah. Those people suck. Making a mess on your table and the surrounding area isn't the way to get back at a rude server though. Remember, your server isn't always the one who will be cleaning up after you leave. Even if they are going to have to clean it up, they're just going to gripe about it. Want to piss them off for their bad attitude or shitty service? DON'T TIP THEM. That's worse than making a mess they probably won't have to clean up.