The holidays are rough sometimes...

I'm feeling kind of odd about Thanksgiving. My grandfather died this summer, in early June. I saw him often and grew up seeing my grandparents all the time and spending lots of weekends and stuff with them. It's been hard coping at time with the fact that he's not around. Saturday, I went to my grandma's house with my mom and two youngest siblings. We helped her with the yard work because grandpa always kept up with it and she's not much for it. It was fun and felt good being outside and doing it together but I kept thinking about various things. Like growing up and watching my grandpa do the yard work. Or going back into his shed to pull out various tools we needed and thinking about how huge that shed had seemed when I was a little kid but how small it seems now. I stood in there for a minute looking at everything and felt sad knowing he'd never step in there again, those tools that were once all in a certain spot just "where ever" now because other family members who used them just put them back in no certain order. After the yard work, we played games while watching the Stars game on TV. No comments from the recliner in the corner of the living room during the game, he's not there to make comments about anything anymore.

We also talked about what the plans for Thanksgiving would be. Grandma isn't much on cooking because grandpa really enjoyed cooking. He did a lot of the cooking for Thanksgiving. Grandma never learned to do a turkey or a chicken because he always handled it. And in her words, "I'm in my 80's and don't care to learn the proper way to cook a damn turkey anyway." I hadn't even thought of it until she mentioned the cooking thing but this will be the first Thanksgiving I'll have been home for that I won't be eating something he cooked. I won't be watching him cook or pestering him for anything.

It's the little things like those things that really make me sad. Like having Thanksgiving dinner without him. Not having him at the table for any sarcastic remarks about anything. He didn't say a lot at times but when he did say something, it was worth hearing and really listening to. Up until the last couple years when he fell in and out of knowing what was really going on. Alzheimer's is a bitch and I don't wish anyone to every have to go through that or watch someone they love go through it. Everyone says the first year is the hardest when someone you're close to dies because it's hard to adjust to them not being around for all the big events and holidays they've always been around for. I'm doing better with it but it's still rough and I miss him.

We're spending Thanksgiving at my aunt's house in East Texas this year, which will be a first. Grandma said she didn't want it at her place because she couldn't stand to be there without him being there. An aunt had a suggestion to just go to a restaurant but my grandma doesn't do well around noisy places and I'm seriously hate the idea of going out to dinner on Thanksgiving anyway. So we're doing it at my aunt's house instead. I know there will inevitably be some sadness but I'm hoping everyone will focus more on the present and the good memories we all have of passed years. Whenever I get upset or feel sad or just miss him, that's what I like to do. I think about a happy memory of him or some of the good times we had. Which makes me miss him but it also makes me feel better at the same time.

I hope no matter where you go or what you'll be doing this year (if you celebrate) that you'll take a moment and be happy for all that you have. And I hope everyone has an enjoyable holiday celebration around people they care about. Though I know sometimes, that's a hell of a lot easier said than done because no one can drive you crazy like your own damn family can. :)

Okay that's enough rambling from me. One more thing really quick, though. I know y'all are probably sick of seeing it but that's too bad, I am annoying when it comes to raising money for causes/charities I take part in. :) There's just a few weeks left to donate to my Toys For Tots Fundraiser. It doesn't take much to help out! The majority of the donations I've received have been for $5 to $10. Every little bit helps and it's for a great cause. Click the link to check out the post to see more information, passed fundraisers and see the pictures! So, donate if you can please and feel free to post about this on twitter, your blog, tumblr, facebook; whatever social media you spend time online. It would be much appreciated. And thanks so much to those who have donated. :)

Happy Wednesday!!!