National Coming Out Day

Today is National Coming Out Day. I came out as pansexual this Summer after the Pulse nightclub shooting. Most people in my life already knew that I'm not heterosexual but then there was a big handful of people that didn't know.

A lot of people don't understand that coming out in any capacity is still a big deal. A lot of people think "it's 2016, who cares, it's so common now no one cares whether you're straight or not!" In theory that's a lovely thought but it isn't reality.

Since coming out pansexual in June to everyone that didn't already know, I've faced some derision and negativity from people I had in my life that I didn't expect it from. From 7 different people that decided I'm no longer welcome in their lives just because they found out I'm attracted to and have had relationships with other females.

Most recently on Dallas Pride Day, a person I've known for 10 years "didn't realize" I wasn't straight. He blocked me because he's so vehemently against everything LGBTQ+. I knew he had issues because his religious beliefs have him believing it's wrong but I didn't know he was so hate filled that he'd accuse me of being a bad person, of being "wrong" for just being who I am. It hurt and even though I know absolutely that I'm better off without someone like that being part of my life in any capacity, it still hurt that this person I considered a friend for so long could just say "eww you're disgusting" and be done with me just like that.

I recently participated in the Walk To END Alzheimer's. I send emails as well as posting on social media to gain donations. A couple that has supported my Walk fundraising efforts every year until this year as well as helping with my Toys for Tots fundraiser for the entire time I've done that, responded to my final email to let me know they hadn't in fact deleted their Facebook accounts but had blocked me after my coming out post. "You're a great person but we didn't know of your sexuality all these years and unfortunately we cannot continue supporting you in your fundraising efforts for the Alz Walk, Toys for Tots or anything else as we deeply disapprove of your lifestyle. We can't in good conscience continue giving money to you for these causes as long as you are a part of the gay agenda. If this ever changes, feel free to contact us again. This is hard for us and I am sorry it came to this." No paraphrasing there, I copied that directly from their email.

My third and last recent instance (although I have 3 more but this is so long already) came from a female friend that decided that despite the fact I've never once flirted with her that she couldn't be near me anymore because she could no longer "trust my intentions." Which if I might remind everyone, being attracted to more than one gender doesn't mean you're indecisive or greedy or just want every person you see. So not true, please stop associating this way.

Like I said, I know I'm better off without these people in my life but it was still hard to deal with when it's so unexpected from people that have been part of my life for years. From people that supported me and seemed to care about me. Usually in years passed (since I was around 15 when I first started tentatively telling people) this type of negativity comes from people I don't know well so it's never really bothered me since I had nothing emotionally or mentally invested. But, I thought better of these people and had connections with them. And I thought I was strong enough to not let any of it get to me so I was angry with myself ob top of everything else every time I let one of these recent instances hurt me. It's okay to be hurt, though. It doesn't make me weak to be hurt when someone does something upsetting even if that person is being toxic toward me. In these cases I think the letting myself be hurt once I got passed being mad at myself helped to let go.

Even if a person faces zero negativity or falling out from coming out, it doesn't make any fear or apprehension they felt prior any less valid. You don't get to belittle the emotions they felt because you personally don't think it's a big deal. For them, it likely was. For them, it was likely scary and unnerving.

You also don't get to out a person if they're out to you but not everyone else. You don't get to tell a person they need to "just come out already" because they will when they're ready, in their own time, when they're comfortable doing it. Or they won't and that's fine, too. Do what's best for you. It's never wrong or selfish to put your well-being first & take care of you. 

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day so please remember your mental health & emotional well-being are just as important as your physical health is.

Mental illnesses are as real as physical ailments & just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean a mental illness doesn’t exist.
I talk about mental health a lot because I want others to feel like & know that it’s okay to talk about it. You’re not alone, not a freak, not weak, not broken, not a burden, not useless, not crazy, not less worthy as a person in any way because you’re struggling with a mental illness. It’s a disease, not a character trait or flaw in your personality.

It’s hard finding courage to speak up & reach out but YOU CAN DO IT. If you can’t face to face tell someone, do it over a phone call. If you can’t find the words to vocalize, write it out. If you don’t feel comfortable or safe talking to anyone you know, there are helplines you can call & online chat services you can use.

Mental illnesses can make you feel like no one understands, no one cares, no one will miss you, the world would be better off without you & your problems & all of that is so very wrong. I care & I’ve met so many other people like me out there that care & we care even if we barely know you because we know how painful, isolating, heartbreaking & damaging it is to feel like no one cares or understands. We know what it’s like to battle our own thoughts & feelings & we just don’t want to see anyone thinking they have to go through it alone.

Also remember that you’re never being selfish for putting your health first & taking care of you. You need to fo that the same way you need to breathe and eat to keep on living. Anyone that tells you you’re being selfish for taking care of you in whatever way you need to is not someone you need to listen to.

People who make life changes to physically better themselves are praised for it while people who have depression, anxiety, ptsd, bipolar disorder, eating disorders & other mental illnesses are told to get over it or told to not talk about it at all. It shouldn’t be that way & I’m fighting to see a change made in how mental illnesses are seen & treated. The more we talk, the more we break down the barriers of stigma that surround mental health & the people struggling. The more we break those barriers down, the more we normalize what should be a regular topic of discussion for our own health and well being. The more we do that, the easier it will be for people to open up without the fear that they’ll be judged, ridiculed, dismissed, labeled, written off or ignored.

Lastly, remember if you think someone you care about is struggling, reach out to them & ask how they’re doing. Kindness is free. Sometimes just knowing someone cares helps so much.

I Drove

I sat at home feeling trapped. These walls felt like anxiety and containment instead of comfort and peace.

I got in my car and I drove. To where, I had no idea. I had no destination and no where to be.

I drove with the windows down letting the warm evening air tear through my hair, leaving my short locks tangled and wild.

I turned the music up loud enough to drown out every thought in my head. They couldn't scream louder than the music and I took comfort in that.

I drove far away from home watching as the tall buildings and shopping centers lessened until there were no more.

I drove until the crowded roads thinned out as the cars around me were fewer and fewer.

I drove and watched as the evening sky turned from a pale blue to shades of orange, red and purple.

I drove until the houses around me turned into nothing but fields and farmland.

I drove until I had no idea where I was and then I kept going.

I drove until I could see nothing around me but darkness and stars. I let that darkness wash over me, let it envelope me wholly.

Some people don't like the night but I do. The dark, star filled sky feels like home more than my own home does sometimes. I feel free instead of trapped in my own skin.

I don't have to smile in the dark. I don't have to think of things to say in the dark. I don't have to pretend in the dark. In the dark, I can just be myself, even when who I am feels heavier and darker than the blackest night sky.

I exist.

CN: Harassment, assault.
Very long post.

I'm so tired of seeing people say things such as "but what was she doing that caused the man to harass her" or "she probably provoked or lead him on in some way" as if provocation is an acceptable reason for harassment and/or violence against another human. As if there's reason to blame the victim. As if there's any way to justify a person harming or threatening to harm a human being that isn't doing anything to harm another.

Example: I was at a club with my boyfriend and a friend. I left them at a table to go to the restroom which happened to be upstairs and on the other side of the club. I was at the elevator waiting for it to come down when a guy at a table near the elevator got my attention and motioned for me to come over to him. I stayed where I was and he tried to call me over again. I was a little drunk and for some reason thought he must have thought I was a waitress. I informed him I didn't work there and willed the elevator to hurry the hell up. He got angry. "Bitch I know you don't work here. Get the fuck over here." I declined and told him to leave me alone. He stood up and said, "bitch bring your ass over here" and started moving towards me. The elevator finally came down but I nearly ran in my heels back to our table so I could get my boyfriend so I could hopefully go back and get safely to the restroom. As I walked back up to the elevator this man stood up again and started to address me again before he noticed Shane standing there. He sat back down and left me alone. Later, this man followed us out to the patio and didn't address me. He apologized to Shane because this guy didn't realize I was there with a man already and said he wouldn't have said anything to me had he known. Shane told him I was the one that deserved the apology. The guy mumbled at me before going back inside.

Another instance. I was at a BBQ. A guy I had only met when I had arrived with a friend to this BBQ came to sit next to me on the bench I was sitting on. My friend was on the other side of the yard playing volleyball and I was just relaxing and people watching. We talked for a little while mostly about sports and music. He said something funny and I started laughing. Then his hand was in my hair and he was sitting much closer to me. I told him to stop touching my hair. He did but then put his hand on my knee. I told him not to put his hands on me at all. He asked me if I wanted to go to his car and "have some fun." I told him I didn't and told him he had the wrong idea. I told him I was not interested. He put his hand on my thigh and asked if I was sure and told me we've been having a good time so far. I removed his hand for him and told him not to lay a hand on me again. I got up to go join my friend and he grabbed my arm to stop me. He asked if I was seriously leaving him there after he had just spent a whole twenty minutes talking to me. I again told him I wasn't interested and didn't want to continue spending time with him and told him to let go of me. "If you see me naked, you'll change your mind" was his response to that. He tightened his grip on my arm and I remember leaning down quickly, pressing my other arm into his throat and telling him to let go of my arm. He immediately let go and called me a crazy whore before shoving me away from him and moving away.

Another instance. I was walking through an outdoor shopping center when two men tried to call me over to them. I ignored them. They continued catcalling and yelling at me. I told them politely that I'm not interested. They started following me. They don't stop when I tell them I'm really not interested and request they leave me alone. They still follow me and started insulting me, angry that I wouldn't give them time and attention. I ducked into a large retail store, scared and looking for security. The two men didn't follow me into the store but they loiter around outside on the sidewalk while I figure out what to do. I call the police. No one ever came. I didn't go to another store and started shaking once I got back into my car and locked the door.

Last example. I was in a bar with a group of friends. I was dancing with one of my friends while our other friends played darts and pool. A guy that was friends with one of my friends older brother came up behind me and started dancing. I had met this guy before at a house party but didn't really know him. Dude started grinding up against me immediately. I put space between us and told him I didn't want him touching me. He responded with, "well you're in a club dancing so you're basically inviting people to be on you." He tried to close the space between us and I again moved away telling him to stop and telling him to leave me alone. He said something about me playing hard to get and was back on me. I shoved him away from me. He grabbed me by the hair and spat in my face. I grabbed his wrist and twisted his arm around hard to get my hair released from his grasp. He cursed at me and started screaming. A bouncer came over to seperate us and then my friends and I are kicked out of the club 2 minutes later. Creepy guy happened to be friends with the man that managed that club. We left and dude followed us outside to call us names and taunt us for a moment before his manager buddy came out to collect him. I was 18 when this happened and it was the first time I'd experienced something like that. Unfortunately it wasn't also the last.

I have dozens upon dozens of stories of men yelling at me, men catcalling me, men threatening me, men getting angry because I wouldn't give them the time and attention they felt entitled to, men harassing me, men stalking me, men reacting violently and men ignoring and disrespecting me and the boundaries I set.

And there are people that still want to ask, "well what did you do to provoke them?"

Exist. I exist and that's enough. People have it in their heads that men NEED some kind of provocation, some kind of reason for doing things like this. Maybe because it's easier than accepting that it can happen to anyone and without provocation, just because. Because someone felt entitled to time and attention from another person. Because someone felt they'd earned something they were being denied. Because someone simply wanted to.

There is no excuse for harassment and violence. Stop making excuses and placing blame on anyone and/or anything that isn't the person comitting these acts as they're the person that should be held accountable for their actions and choices.

"Music doesn't have to be so fucking dramatic."

Words I heard from someone today: "I hate how people make music such a dramatic thing, it's just music you don't have to attach so much meaning and drama to a fucking song. You can just listen to it and enjoy the artistry without making it a big, emotional deal."

That's definitely not the first time I've heard or directly been told that, either. To that, I say....

Yes, yes you can JUST ENJOY MUSIC as is without attaching any meaning or emotions to it. Some songs, that's all I do. Ellie Goulding's "Lights", Billy Joel's "The River of Dreams" and Opeth's "The Grand Conjuration" are three of my favorite songs to just listen to and enjoy. They're all very different songs about vastly different things and I just enjoy them.

Then there are other songs that do inspire emotional reactions.

I cannot bring myself to listen to Linkin Park's "My December" because it reminds me of a friend that died in a car crash caused by a drunk driver. We listened to that song so many times because she loved to hear me sing along with it and she also loved the song. The first time I heard it after she died, I had to pull the car over because I completely lost my composure and sat in a gas station parking lot sobbing for 10 minutes. All I could think about was her and how ironically she'd said a few weeks before she died that she wanted to get some of the lyrics from that song tattooed on her arm as a graduation gift because she was going to get through nursing school despite the dozens of obstacles in her way. I remember how she had laughed and said she had better live a long damn laugh after all the years she's spent in school and all the hard work it took to finish highschool and get through nursing school all while raising a beautiful baby girl. I remembered how her face lit up when she listened to me sing that song fir the first time. She said I put all the right emotions into the words that she felt the most and that made her feel better about everything because it made her realize she wasn't so alone because we were both lost and struggling with the same things in different circumstances. I still get a little sad and miss her whenever I stumble across that song so I skip passed it and don't listen to it.

I can't listen to another song, one by a band I absolutely love, because that was the song an ex boyfriend had on loop the night I found him on his bathroom floor covered in blood because he had tried to kill himself. I had to unplug his boombox to get that song to stop playing because it was stuck on repeat and I couldn't change it. I hear that song and it reminds me of that because that's an incredibly vivid memory I have involving the song and that's not something I want to think about or relive in my mind again.

I get that some people would think it's ridiculous to refuse to listen to a song because of memories it brings up or because of emotions it evokes. I get that some people don't connect the dots between music and moments. That some people don't involved emotion with the music. I get that for some people music is just noise to fill the silence. I'm not one of those people.

It's not even just connecting with the words of a song. Sometimes I hear a guitar solo on a blues guitar that fills me with so much joy that I feel like my chest might explode. Or I'll hear someone play something on a piano that's so beautiful and soulful that I end up filled with the emotion the artist is channeling into their music. Sometimes when I play piano, it's for fun. Sometimes it's because I need to express something but I can't find the words so I let my fingers dance across the keys until I feel better.

For me, music is a lot of things. It is fun and enjoyable and doesn't always have a lot of meaning in it. Then sometimes I hear a song that so beautifully articulates thoughts or feelings I have or an experience I'm going through or have gone through and it becomes an emotional thing for me. Sometimes I can't find the right words to express how I feel but then there's a song that expresses it all perfectly and I feel connected to that song. Even if it's someone I'll never meet, hearing words that I relate to so personally helps me feel less alone in any given situation. Which has helped me feel like I could keep going more times than I can count. I'm incredibly passionate about music so it's next to impossible to just leave my emotions at the door sometimes. 

So, when someone tells me I need to "stop being so dramatic" about music and "just enjoy it", I can't help but laugh a little bit.

Toys for Tots 8th Fundraiser Final Post!

Here is the final Toys for Tots post for 2015! This might not look like a ton of toys but that's in part to my amazing placement skills. This year was the biggest year yet in terms of funds collected and toys purchased! 

This year makes the 7th year in a row that I've done the TFT Fundraiser. I LOVE doing this each year and am so happy I took the chance to see what would happen that first year back in 2009. It's a lot of work but it's so worth it and I couldn't do it on such a large scale without so many awesome people supporting me through paypal, cash and toy donations. This year I was also able to round up some awesome prizes to give away to all the awesome people that donated something which made me even more happy. I appreciate you all so much. I really wouldn't be able to buy this many toys without all of you helping out. 

This years totals: 

$950
184 toys

That averages out to about $5 per toy. I'm so serious every year when I say it only takes $5 to make a difference and help.

A few people have asked how the shopping part works and also about the items I buy so I'm going to explain a little bit. Skip this next two paragraphs if you're not interested in reading that. ;)

I plan it out so I can take advantage of sales and coupons so I can really maximize the amount of toys I get with the money raised. I actually do a lot of planning with this so I can stretch every dollar. Each shopping trip also takes me at least 90 minutes to get through so I can carefully look through everything and take advantage of any coupons, sales or deals I have available to me. This year, I waited until Target was doing a buy one get one 50% off sale that included brands like Barbie, Marvel and Disney. 

Another question a good number of people have asked about is why I include makeup, nail polish kits and items that look geared towards "older kids." That's because most TFT campaign sites are able to assist children up to the age of 12 and nail polish, make up, craft kits, model car kits and board games are things they request but tend to not get a lot of. Also, several local communities (mine included) offer extended support for ages 13-16. Most people tend to focus on younger children and the 10+ age range ends up being the group they need more things for because they don't get much donated for that age range. They do use their cash and online donations to help fill in the gaps wherever the needs are as well but I like to include a variety of everything.

If you want to see final results of the fundraiser from years passed, you can check all of those out here:

The final results from 2009: Here
The final results from 2010: Here
The final results from 2011: Here 
The final results from 2012: Here
The final results from 2013: Here
The final results from 2014: Here

Ready for some 2015 pictures? Of course if we're Facebook friends, you may have already seen these since I uploaded them there the day I delivered the toys. I've been so busy with work (because bakery jobs in December are HELL) that I haven't had time to get this up here yet. I've been doing it a little at a time as I've had the free time. 















































If you want to see the full album then just *click here* to take a look at the Toys for Tots 2015 Flickr album to view the rest of them. I think there are 60 photos total. 

As for the prize giveaway, most of the prizes were mailed out last week (or given out for the people I know IRL that won stuff) although there are still a few I need to get sent out (I promise, soon!) to people. 

I want to say thank you (again) to those of you that donated this year. Whether it was the first year you donated or the third or the seventh, thank you so much! Whether it was $5, $10, $25, $50 or more; it doesn't matter. I appreciate it and I know the families that benefit from Toys for Tots doing what they do appreciate it, too. I have so much fun being able to do this. I've donated to Toys for Tots since I was a little kid and my mom let us each buy a couple toys of our choosing to give to them and kept doing so for as long as I can remember.  So blame her for getting me started into this one. ;) Doing it on such a large scale the last 7 years has been so awesome. I couldn't do it without all of your help so thank you. I also want to say thank you to everyone who posted on their blogs, tweeted links, pestered people on Facebook and otherwise badgered told their friends and readers alike about what I had going on in hopes of getting more donations. To everyone who donated or helped in some way... thanks so much! You're wonderful and I heart you. :) 

Until next time!

XoXo

Toys For Tots Fundraiser #7, Final Post!

Here is the final Toys for Tots post for 2015! This might not look like a ton of toys but that's in part to my amazing placement skills. This year was the biggest year yet in terms of funds collected and toys purchased! 

This year makes the 7th year in a row that I've done the TFT Fundraiser. I LOVE doing this each year and am so happy I took the chance to see what would happen that first year back in 2009. It's a lot of work but it's so worth it and I couldn't do it on such a large scale without so many awesome people supporting me through paypal, cash and toy donations. This year I was also able to round up some awesome prizes to give away to all the awesome people that donated something which made me even more happy. I appreciate you all so much. I really wouldn't be able to buy this many toys without all of you helping out. 

This years totals: 

$950
184 toys

That averages out to about $5 per toy. I'm so serious every year when I say it only takes $5 to make a difference and help.

A few people have asked how the shopping part works and also about the items I buy so I'm going to explain a little bit. Skip this next two paragraphs if you're not interested in reading that. ;)

I plan it out so I can take advantage of sales and coupons so I can really maximize the amount of toys I get with the money raised. I actually do a lot of planning with this so I can stretch every dollar. Each shopping trip also takes me at least 90 minutes to get through so I can carefully look through everything and take advantage of any coupons, sales or deals I have available to me. This year, I waited until Target was doing a buy one get one 50% off sale that included brands like Barbie, Marvel and Disney. 

Another question a good number of people have asked about is why I include makeup, nail polish kits and items that look geared towards "older kids." That's because most TFT campaign sites are able to assist children up to the age of 12 and nail polish, make up, craft kits, model car kits and board games are things they request but tend to not get a lot of. Also, several local communities (mine included) offer extended support for ages 13-16. Most people tend to focus on younger children and the 10+ age range ends up being the group they need more things for because they don't get much donated for that age range. They do use their cash and online donations to help fill in the gaps wherever the needs are as well but I like to include a variety of everything.

If you want to see final results of the fundraiser from years passed, you can check all of those out here:

The final results from 2009: Here
The final results from 2010: Here
The final results from 2011: Here 
The final results from 2012: Here
The final results from 2013: Here
The final results from 2014: Here

Ready for some 2015 pictures? Of course if we're Facebook friends, you may have already seen these since I uploaded them there the day I delivered the toys. I've been so busy with work (because bakery jobs in December are HELL) that I haven't had time to get this up here yet. I've been doing it a little at a time as I've had the free time. 


















































If you want to see the full album then just *click here* to take a look at the Toys for Tots 2015 Flickr album to view the rest of them. I think there are 60 photos total. 

As for the prize giveaway, most of the prizes were mailed out last week (or given out for the people I know IRL that won stuff) although there are still a few I need to get sent out (I promise, soon!) to people. 

I want to say thank you (again) to those of you that donated this year. Whether it was the first year you donated or the third or the seventh, thank you so much! Whether it was $5, $10, $25, $50 or more; it doesn't matter. I appreciate it and I know the families that benefit from Toys for Tots doing what they do appreciate it, too. I have so much fun being able to do this. I've donated to Toys for Tots since I was a little kid and my mom let us each buy a couple toys of our choosing to give to them and kept doing so for as long as I can remember.  So blame her for getting me started into this one. ;) Doing it on such a large scale the last 7 years has been so awesome. I couldn't do it without all of your help so thank you. I also want to say thank you to everyone who posted on their blogs, tweeted links, pestered people on Facebook and otherwise badgered told their friends and readers alike about what I had going on in hopes of getting more donations. To everyone who donated or helped in some way... thanks so much! You're wonderful and I heart you. :) 

Until next time!

XoXo