National Coming Out Day

Today is National Coming Out Day. I came out as pansexual this Summer after the Pulse nightclub shooting. Most people in my life already knew that I'm not heterosexual but then there was a big handful of people that didn't know.

A lot of people don't understand that coming out in any capacity is still a big deal. A lot of people think "it's 2016, who cares, it's so common now no one cares whether you're straight or not!" In theory that's a lovely thought but it isn't reality.

Since coming out pansexual in June to everyone that didn't already know, I've faced some derision and negativity from people I had in my life that I didn't expect it from. From 7 different people that decided I'm no longer welcome in their lives just because they found out I'm attracted to and have had relationships with other females.

Most recently on Dallas Pride Day, a person I've known for 10 years "didn't realize" I wasn't straight. He blocked me because he's so vehemently against everything LGBTQ+. I knew he had issues because his religious beliefs have him believing it's wrong but I didn't know he was so hate filled that he'd accuse me of being a bad person, of being "wrong" for just being who I am. It hurt and even though I know absolutely that I'm better off without someone like that being part of my life in any capacity, it still hurt that this person I considered a friend for so long could just say "eww you're disgusting" and be done with me just like that.

I recently participated in the Walk To END Alzheimer's. I send emails as well as posting on social media to gain donations. A couple that has supported my Walk fundraising efforts every year until this year as well as helping with my Toys for Tots fundraiser for the entire time I've done that, responded to my final email to let me know they hadn't in fact deleted their Facebook accounts but had blocked me after my coming out post. "You're a great person but we didn't know of your sexuality all these years and unfortunately we cannot continue supporting you in your fundraising efforts for the Alz Walk, Toys for Tots or anything else as we deeply disapprove of your lifestyle. We can't in good conscience continue giving money to you for these causes as long as you are a part of the gay agenda. If this ever changes, feel free to contact us again. This is hard for us and I am sorry it came to this." No paraphrasing there, I copied that directly from their email.

My third and last recent instance (although I have 3 more but this is so long already) came from a female friend that decided that despite the fact I've never once flirted with her that she couldn't be near me anymore because she could no longer "trust my intentions." Which if I might remind everyone, being attracted to more than one gender doesn't mean you're indecisive or greedy or just want every person you see. So not true, please stop associating this way.

Like I said, I know I'm better off without these people in my life but it was still hard to deal with when it's so unexpected from people that have been part of my life for years. From people that supported me and seemed to care about me. Usually in years passed (since I was around 15 when I first started tentatively telling people) this type of negativity comes from people I don't know well so it's never really bothered me since I had nothing emotionally or mentally invested. But, I thought better of these people and had connections with them. And I thought I was strong enough to not let any of it get to me so I was angry with myself ob top of everything else every time I let one of these recent instances hurt me. It's okay to be hurt, though. It doesn't make me weak to be hurt when someone does something upsetting even if that person is being toxic toward me. In these cases I think the letting myself be hurt once I got passed being mad at myself helped to let go.

Even if a person faces zero negativity or falling out from coming out, it doesn't make any fear or apprehension they felt prior any less valid. You don't get to belittle the emotions they felt because you personally don't think it's a big deal. For them, it likely was. For them, it was likely scary and unnerving.

You also don't get to out a person if they're out to you but not everyone else. You don't get to tell a person they need to "just come out already" because they will when they're ready, in their own time, when they're comfortable doing it. Or they won't and that's fine, too. Do what's best for you. It's never wrong or selfish to put your well-being first & take care of you. 

Apropos Of Nothing

A little boy and his mom came into my job to pick up some brownies and cookies a few days ago. The lady was joking with the little boy, he was maybe 5 or 6 I think, about him working in a bakery so he could bring her home free sweets all the time. This kid scrunched his face up at his mom and said, "I'm going to be too busy being Captain America to make cookies mom." She asked him, "but what if someone else is busy being Captain America, then would you work in a bakery and bring me sweets?" He rolled his eyes and said, "but if someone if busy being Captain America, I'll just be Black Widow instead." She laughed. I gave the kid a high five and told him I admired his goals. He asked me, "but wait. Maybe. Are you a secret spy but pretending to give people cookies instead because then I can work here I guess." I told him I couldn't tell him if I were secretly a spy or not because then it wouldn't be a secret. He was satisfied and his mom thanked me quietly for playing along and humoring them as they waited. I said I didn't mind and told her I always try to support creativity and imagination when I get the chance. My niece is 4 and the last time I was with her we cooked up a three course meal in her play kitchen and then spent 15 minutes feeding all of the dolls and stuffed animals she had in her room. I believe in never crushing a kid with a great imagination and creativity. I see so many people telling kids to stop doing things like that because it's "nonsense" but really, they just don't understand how special that creativity is. Don't crush their imagination or sense of wonder or tell them their creative outlets are a waste of time. 

    ******

I want to thank those that have supported  me in my Walk To End Alzheimer's so far. Whether it's support through a donation or through posting links and photos for me to spread awareness or just offering kind words, I appreciate it so much. I've been having a lot of health struggles lately so I haven't been able to put as much time and effort into fundraising this year and I set a smaller donation goal because of that. I'm only $170 away from hitting my $750 donation goal. There are still 3 weeks left if you want to donate and thought you were out of time. Even a $5 or $10 donation helps. Every little bit adds up to something better.

   ******

There is a song out right now called "Girl Crush" by Little Big Town. I hate when this song comes on at work because I can't turn it off at work. Basically she sings about wanting a man that another woman has and so she obsesses about every detail of the girl. 

The chorus: "I wanna taste her lips, yeah, ‘cause they taste like you
I wanna drown myself in a bottle of her perfume
I want her long blonde hair, I want her magic touch
Yeah, ‘cause maybe then you’d want me just as much
I got a girl crush, I got a girl crush"

I think this annoys me because a lot of the time, people like to assume that being bisexual/pansexual is just a phase. It's just indecision. You're just idealizing someone else for the wrong reasons. So many things and that's another post for another day. Back to this. This song just annoys me because this isn't about a girl having a crush on another girl. This isn't what a crush is for anyone. An obsession over someone because you're envious of them and want the person that wants them instead of you is not a crush. It is creepy and pretty unhealthy. I might end up writing a longer post on this one day considering I posted a shorter version of this rant on Twitter yesterday and actually had two people angry at me. One lead to a positive discussion, the other not so much. We'll see.

That's all I've got for today. 

Happy Friday!

Much to her surprise. I'm not a lesbian.

One of my new coworkers was surprised to find out I have a boyfriend. Not because I'm hideous looking or because I'm a horrible person. She assumed I'm a lesbian. The logic (and I use that word incredibly loosely) behind her theory was very special.

Her: "You like sports, like a lot. Like you seem to know baseball and hockey better than the guys here do. And plus you drink scotch and that's a total man thing. Plus you listen to metal music and like muscle cars and you're into shooting archery. And you dislike shopping and don't like chick flicks. And you don't seem feminine really very much. Plus your Nike's look like they're men's Nike's. I mean not like you're manly but you're not girly at all and seem pretty tomboyish like you'd be better off being like in a guy's body, you know? So I really thought you were a lesbian." 

Just.... really? A person's interests, dislikes and personality in general does NOT indicate what they're sexuality is. Also, I did at length explain why her assumption was stupid, offensive and horribly problematic. I'm pretty sure she hates me now but I think I'll be able to live with myself. Also, quite happy in my current womanly body and definitely do not wish I were a man. Getting erections at random times and no longer having boobs anymore? No thanks, I'm fine here because this works for me and I'm good with who I am. I'm a big fan of doing what works for you, what makes you comfortable and what makes you happy. As long as you're not hurting yourself, hurting others or doing something that could cause potential harm. 

I have never understood why things have to be sectioned off as "boy things" and "girls things." I think that's partly because I grew up as a girl that had little interest in the "girl things" I was supposed to like and much more interest in the "boy things" that weren't for me. Gender binary can go die in a fire now, thanks.

Growing up, I liked LEGO's and Ghostbusters. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Batman were idols of mine. I liked sports. I liked music. I liked painting. I had an obsession the trains (that still exists to this day.) I loved books. I liked building things with my hands and science sets were rad, too. I liked the color purple. I loved art. I loved monster trucks. I liked playing outside and getting dirty. I liked hanging out on the garage floor with my grandpa while he worked on cars. I liked doing crafts. I was fascinated with pirates and dragons instead of the princesses I was supposed to be interested in. I pretended to be a Ghostbuster, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or Batman in whatever made up fantasy game I was playing with siblings or friends. I loved stuffed animals. It's not like I didn't like "girl things" just on some kind of principle because there were things considered as "girl things" I did like. I remember being a kid and wondering why it was weird for girls to want to play with Tonka trucks or why boys weren't supposed to want an Easy Bake Oven. It always made sense to me that you should like what you like as long as it makes you happy but that's not what society told you back then. It's largely still not what it tells you today, sadly. 

Bless my parents, they didn't try to push stuff off on me that I didn't care for. They stopped buying me dolls and other "girl things" and just let me have the things I was interested in instead of the things I was supposed to be interested in. Sometimes those were "girls things" and sometimes they were "boy things." I called them toys and hobbies. I know, weird.

So hearing my cw explain to me why she just assumed I was a lesbian brought me back to that. I do love sports and have since I was a little kid. I was also an athlete growing up and happened to play all of my favorite sports at one time or another. I'd hope I'd have a pretty good understanding of the games given the time spent playing and the even longer amount of time spent watching. Girls like sports, too. I swear it's not some trick and no, we're not all trying to impress the mens by liking sports and showing off our sports knowledge. Some of us (and there are a lot of us, I can direct you to tons of avid sports fans on Twitter that identify as female) just really enjoy sports, k.

I get that because of movies and television there are things considered as "man drinks." Men drink beer. Men drink scotch. Men drink whiskey. If it's a brown liquor, men put that in a glass and knock that right back. SO DO WOMEN. I'm not the only woman I know who can enjoy a nice glass of whiskey. 

And yes, I wear men's Nike's because it's really fucking hard to find women's running shoes I like that aren't doused in colors I hate. If I'm paying $70+ for some shoes, I'm going to LOVE the way they look as much as I love the way they feel on my feet. 

I'm not listing out why every example she used to come to a conclusion about my sexuality because no matter what else was used as an example, it's not indicative to how I identify my sexual orientation. 

I'm bisexual so don't think I'm ranting because she assumed I was a lesbian and OHMYGOSH HOW DARE SHE. But really, how dare she drop her jaw and let her eyes fly open in surprise at the mention of my boyfriend that she assumed I didn't have because I'm like a totally masculine tomboy brochick who obviously wishes she were a guy so obviously I like girls? Because every dude on the planet only wants women and if you're not a heterosexual female it's apparently because you wish you were a man but you're in deep denial or some such bullshit. I digress. I'm mainly irritated this way of thinking is STILL so prevalent in today's society. I know I'm not alone in thinking you should like what you like, as long as you're not doing harm to yourself or others, as long as it makes you happy.

 Aside from assigning things as appropriate based on your gender, another issue I have is assuming because a person's personality doesn't fit the mold here then they obviously belong there. I'm not girly enough so obviously I'm not heterosexual. I'm not but that's not an indicator to make a judgement off of. Being an "ultra feminine" woman  is not a sign of being heterosexual anymore than being a woman who is "tomboyish" is a sign of a women being gay. 

All of these silly preconceived notions about how people should be this way or should be that way or vice versa are really insane. You really can feel like there's something wrong with you when so many people and so much of what you see around you is telling you the way you are isn't right. That can be horribly confusing and quite damaging to a person.

There's no set way to be. There are no guidelines that say if you like these things and act this way then you go here in this box. But if you act this way and like these things, please go here instead. If everyone were meant to be the same way, we would be. We're not, so it shouldn't be so difficult of a concept for people to grasp or accept.

Wherein I rant about bisexuality & narrow minded people...

First: TOMORROW is the last day to make a paypal donation to my Toys for Tots fundraiser. Once again, thanks so much to everyone who has donated or helped out in some way. You're all awesome, lovely, generous people. <3 Moving on...

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I was with a male friend of mine recently. He wanted me to help him pick out some new clothes because he was meeting his new girlfriend's parents for the first time and he wanted to look a little nicer than his usual ripped up jeans and a tshirt. I tried my hardest to get him to pick another female, any other female, because I hate shopping. And that was the reason he wanted me to go. He knew I would just want to get in, get shit taken care of and leave. So, I agreed and off we went in search of something he wouldn't be horribly uncomfortable wearing yet still look nice in.

In one store we went into, we had the amazing joy of running into an ex-girlfriend of his from a little over a year ago. We attempted to avoid her but she saw us and rushed over to say hello.

I had changed my hair style up since she had last seen me, which she noticed and had to comment on. The exchange went like this:

Heather: "Wow Ashly, your hair looks great like that. I like it all wavy and messy in layers."

Ashly: "It's usually wavy in messy but the layers is new to you. Thank you."

Heather: "You're welcome! And it really does look cute. And so you know I'm not coming on to you or anything so please don't think that."

Ashly: "Why would I think that?"

Heather: "Oh because if I remember right you're bisexual, correct? I just didn't want you to think I was hitting on you, that's all. No offense."

Except, shit like that is offensive. Or more so in my opinion, completely fucking obnoxious. It doesn't offend me so much as it just pisses me off but I do know some people that it does offend. Either way, it's a narrow minded and judgmental way of thinking. Of course, Heather isn't the first girl to jump to that conclusion and think I'll assume she's hitting on me because she said something nice to me. Or the first to assume that since I'm bisexual that I clearly just want all the vaginas everywhere all the time.

I hate the assumption that because I'm bisexual, I CLEARLY must want every woman in the world. So no woman can compliment me without me taking it as her trying to get into my panties and thus I can't compliment a woman unless I'm looking to get her into bed. Which of course I am doing that because she's a woman and being bisexual means I want every woman alive, okay.

It's ridiculous and it happens far too often. I'm very open about my sexuality and in doing so, I face a lot of crap for it. So sometimes when I compliment or just say something nice to another girl, it turns into awkwardness due to them acting weird about it because they assume I'm flirting with them.And I'm not talking random girls here, I'm just talking girls I know mutually through other friends and in a few cases people I thought were good friends. It's hilarious in that "that's pretty homophobic and judgmental and not funny at all" kind of way that me complimenting them is a come on. Whereas a heterosexual female could have given the same compliment and not a second thought would have been given about it after all the gushing over said compliment ended.

I don't flirt with every girl I see. I'm actually quite picky and don't find myself attracted to most girls. Which goes against another narrow minded misconception but we'll leave that one alone today because this would get pretty long if I attacked every stereotypical misconception about this subject. Trust me, if I'm flirting with you, you'll know it. I don't flirt with any female I already know isn't interested in girls anyway.

Just because I get a compliment from another girl doesn't mean I'm going to assume she wants me. I don't take it as anything more than it's presented as; a compliment. It's not that hard of a concept to understand.

I can compliment someone on their hair, a particularly badass shirt, a piece of jewelry, their overall appearance that day etc, and it doesn't mean anything more than that; just some truthful kind words given with no intentions other than to be nice. Just because I say you look pretty in something doesn't mean I'm attracted to you and want to send you into orgasmic bliss the first chance I get. It's highly unlikely that's the case and assuming so is pretty arrogant on top of being obnoxious, homophobic, judgmental and stereotypical.

Whew. Now that I got that out of my system for the time being.... Please feel free to comment with any thoughts or opinions you have. Comments are always much appreciated, especially on rants like these. :)

Happy Thursday.

And remember, tomorrow is the last day to get in a Toys for Tots donation. And thanks again to everyone who has helped in some way. Xo!

Hey comedian, you're maybe gay so clearly you're not funny anymore...

I work with some rather homophobic people. This tends to annoy the hell out of me but it's not something I can really do anything about. This is an actual conversation that took place during a slow period at work the other day.

Employee: "Did you know that comedian Daniel Tosh might be gay?"

Me: "So?"

Employee: "That would suck. I'd feel differently about him if he is gay."

Me: "Really? So being gay is suddenly going to suck all the funny out of him and someone you found formerly hilarious just won't be funny anymore because he might be into men?"

Employee: "I don't think he'll be less funny but I'll just feel awkward watching him knowing he's into men. Plus he tells gay jokes and if he's actually gay, they won't be funny anymore because it's like he's making fun of himself to make it less of a big deal that he's gay and not just making fun of gay people for the hell of it."

Me: "That's ridiculous. If he is gay and does make gay jokes to try and make it less of a big deal, good for him. People shouldn't focus on that anyway. It has no relevance what so ever to whether he's funny or not. If he likes to date men and watch gay porn or go hit up guy bars; whatever. It has no bearing on whether he's funny or not."

Employee: "You don't get it because you support that kind of thing. You can't see it from my point of view."

And he's right. I can't see it from his point of view because I'm just not ignorant enough to think someone possibly being gay is a good reason to stop enjoying them as a comedian. I've personally never even seen any of his videos or anything so I have no idea whether I'd find Tosh funny or not. I do know his sexual preference wouldn't influence me one way or another.

We debate this for another 10 minutes before I give up. We've had this conversation so many times over the last few months. The starter and the scenario are always different but the principle of the debate is the same. We don't ever agree.

I don't even want to entirely change his mind. I understand that not everyone will be comfortable with homosexuality. Which is sad but I realistically know that there won't be a day where every person on the world is comfortable and accepting of it. I just want him to stop letting someone's sexual preference color his view of them as a person. It doesn't define who a person is. It's just another part of the tons of parts that makes someone who they are. Maybe one day I'll get into his head enough that he'll learn to think of someone as an individual with a personality, full of characteristics that make them who they are and stop lumping people together by their sexual preferences and judging them based on that alone. No one should be judged or discriminated against because of their sexuality.

S&M VS abuse...

I am not a fan of Rihanna's music. I cannot stand the sound of her voice and I dislike her songs. Though, we play crappy pop music at work so at times I have to hear songs by her. Something that bothers me is after she did the song with Eminem about domestic violence and now her own S&M song is that I've heard people making comments about how she must have been asking for the abuse her ex gave her. Now, I don't watch her videos and don't follow anything about her. I don't even follow celebrity news or gossip because frankly. I don't give a damn about what goes on in the lives of people I don't know. So, I don't know if this is something a lot of people are saying or not but it really doesn't matter. I'm going to assume that it's a popular opinion among a lot of ignorant people and not just some of the people I work with and a few other narrow minded people I know.

Sex can get rough without getting in to anything S&M. Delving into S&M can be mildly rough. It can also get violent. Extremely painful. It depends on what you and your partner like and participate in.

Say your partner likes you to slap and choke her/him during sex. Does it make it okay to slap and choke her/him outside of sex? No, it doesn't.

Say your partner likes you to tie them down, drip hot candle wax all over them and then whip them until they're nice and welted. Does that mean you can get pissed at them, throw hot candle wax on them and beat them with that same whip? Nope.

Say your play goes outside of the bedroom and happens on a more regular basis. Does it make it okay to take advantage of that and be abusive during a disagreement or just because you're taking out stress or another emotion on them? NOPE.

Does it mean once they've told you to stop or used their safe word that you can keep going with the abuse because they like it most of the time? Nope, sure doesn't.

The difference between abuse and being rough in your sex life is the consent to do so. During sex and S&M play, your partner is consenting for you to do things with them. They're consenting to the level of pain you're inflicting and how you're delivering that pain. When it's outside of the bedroom and you hit them out of anger or some other emotion when they weren't consenting it; that's abuse. That's why people use safe words during play. So that one can let the other know that it's too much and to reign it in or stop all together. That's why there are rules people set in place with their partners when consenting to rough and sometimes violent play so you know what boundaries can be crossed and what boundaries can't be crossed. That's why communication in these roles is so important so you can discuss what's not enough, what's too far, what was okay but should never happen again, etc.

So people that say Rihanna likely deserved the abuse she got because she had it coming for getting kinky in the bedroom are ignorant.

Just because someone likes rough play in their sex life does not give anyone the right to abuse them any time they feel like it. Just because someone enjoys being rough or violent during sexual play doesn't mean "they have it coming" or "secretly want it" and it doesn't mean "it's okay because I've done worse in the bedroom before" because that's all bullshit. If they're not consenting to what you're doing to them, it's not right.

What does it mean to be a lesbian?

My little sister had this video posted on her Tumblr page. I watched it twice. I don't know why but I just couldn't focus on it the first time so I had to watch it again. Please watch it. You need 5 minutes and to be able to have the audio on to listen to this girl talk.



Now, what do you think? About the video, her point of view, anything this made you think and/or feel; please share. I do want to hear what any one of you have to say, though. I might even edit my post for tomorrow with some quotes if I get some comments that make a point I want to quote. I just ask that you be respectful.

Happy Thursday!

Anti-Gay Group Rally...

Y'all no doubt know of the one group of people from Kansas that like to protest military funerals and spew their anti-gay bullshit and all kinds of other ridiculous stuff. The Westboro blah blah blah people?

They were protesting premarital sex and homosexuality outside of a high school in Oregon. Lately, they're targeting the Oregon/Vancouver area. Half of dozen or so of these protesters from this "church" were met by a much larger group of people that showed up to protest them. Half a dozen or so of them versus 200+ people countering their protest. HELL FUCKING YES.

I couldn't find a way to embed this video on my blog but click the link and go watch it.

http://www.kptv.com/video/23780479/

I couldn't help but smile as I watched that video and saw all of those people showing up to counter protest against those clowns. The West people ended up leaving after a short time ending their protest early. Maybe because they were seriously out numbered? Perhaps.

Those people are ridiculous. I don't care if they want to believe the way they do, that's fine and all on them but the way they get their messages out and try to shove it down people's throats? Not cool. I don't have to agree with what they believe anymore than they have to believe what I do and that's fine. I'm all for diversity and I'm cool with multiple points of view on things. I don't expect the world to agree on everything. I think their methods are pathetic, though. They're nothing more than a hate group, in my opinion. They can call what they're doing whatever they want but their method is hateful and doesn't do anything to help the cause they think they're working towards.

What are y'alls thoughts?

Happy Friday!!!!!!!

Leave a comment please? :)

...And now I know for sure, there is no cure

So before I get to the post today, since I have people ask, my boyfriend does still once and a while post on his blog. He made a new post yesterday actually! Which, I didn't noticed and he didn't mention but I got an e-mail from a cheeky blogger lady you all know and dig who was excited that he posted again, lol. She's such a nerd, that one. Anyway click here and check it out if you like, after you're done here of course.


This guy I know sent me a text message on Friday. We weren't ever really good friends or anything. We hung out, we talked a lot but nothing much. We made out quite a few times but it never went beyond kissing and that only happened a few times. We still talk now and then but I had not heard from him since last year, around October, when he told me he was moving back home to Dallas after living in Los Angeles, CA for almost a year.

He sent me a text to let me know that he "came out" to his family and his close friends recently. I replied back that I was proud of him. He asked me if I was surprised that he was gay and I said I wasn't. I had a feeling he was gay anyway, even when we used to hang out and even the times we made out.

The first time I met him, I thought that he was gay. I hate to say it but it was just a feeling I got. I even asked after knowing him for two weeks and he got flushed and slightly embarrassed and danced away from the subject without ever answering. Then, I'd notice him trying to discreetly check out a hot guy that walked by at times. I'd notice him staring at a cute guy's butt and I'd comment about something related to the guy and he'd get flustered and act like he had no clue what I was talking about. I noticed other things and eventually, I asked again one night. We were sitting around, ironically watching Will & Grace and I asked, to which he again wouldn't give me an answer. To avoid the answer, he kissed me and we made out. I wasn't in to it really and I knew he wasn't either but still it was kind of fun.

When we would make out, he never got even the slightest bit turned on. He never wanted to do more than kiss. He didn't ever kiss away from my lips. His hands never left my hips or lower back at all. There wasn't anything to it either. I didn't feel anything and I could tell he never felt anything. No chemistry at all, no urgency, no real desire, no heat, no spark, flat nothing. Kissing with him was just kind of fun, kind of like practice too. It was relaxing in a way because it was just fun without anything behind it. It was friendly as hell. After a few times, I remember talking with him and telling him I didn't want to make out again because even though it was kind of fun that it was also kind of weird too and I didn't see a point in going forward in that fashion since it was obvious neither of us was into it at all. He agreed. The fact that he wasn't at all into me at all wasn't what made me think he was gay. Like I said, I noticed other things and I just had a feeling. Not to mention last year he got in touch with one of my best guy friends, who is very openly gay and began chatting him up out of the blue. The chatting my good friend up turned into a little light flirtation though nothing more ever came of it. And again, there were other things not to mention my rockin' intuition about these things, lol.

He said he figured I knew already anyway. I asked him why he figured that. He mentioned about back when we hung out and made out and said that the fact that he wasn't moved at all, even slightly by a pretty girl kissing him probably gave it away to me. I said I wasn't conceited enough at all to think a guy was gay just because he wasn't turned on or interested in me. He laughed at that and told me he felt he needed to apologize. I asked why. He said in making out with me, he was hoping that he would enjoy it and hoping it would turn him on even slightly. He said he was confused and based on how his strict Catholic family upbringing, he felt like he was very wrong to feel the way he did about guys. So he was trying to force himself to like girls. So he felt the need to apologize to me in case I had taken it personally. By personally, he thought I might have freaked out and thought something was wrong with me because he never got the slightest bit turned on with me. My turn to laugh and tell him no such thing ever even crossed my mind, lol. No way would I ever blame myself for a guy not being turned on with me.

So I told him he didn't need to apologize but he did anyway because he felt he should. I said that was fine and asked him why he finally decided to come out to his family and friends. He laughed and said it was because he finally got tired of trying to be with women when it wasn't what he really wanted. He said he was tired of trying to live his life in a way that wasn't true to how he really felt. That he was finally comfortable enough in what he felt to be open about it, first with himself and then months later with the people closest with him.

He says he's so happy now that he's open about it. I asked how his parents took it. He said his father didn't speak to him at first but then after four days, he called and told him that he didn't care, if that's what he felt then he couldn't change it and he still loved him. He said his mom just hugged him the day he told her and said she already knew but was glad he was okay enough with himself to be able to tell her finally.

I told him I was happy for him and he asked why. I told him I understood how it felt to feel a certain way and feel like it was wrong or bad and want to try to change it but to never be able to because it was one of those things you just couldn't change about yourself. He said that was exactly how he had felt and we talked a little bit longer on the subject. Then he told me about the guy at work that he has the hots for, lol. I wished him luck in that and he made me promise to keep in better touch with him. I said I'd try and he laughed and said that was the best. Then he joked about wanting to meet my sexy boyfriend one of these days and I said we would see about that. If he tries to take a drink of my sexy Kool-Aid though, we're gonna have some serious issues going on. ;)

Musical Monday:

"Contagious" by Trapt


"......But you caught my attention
You built on the tension
And you left me wanting more
Now I don't know what I can do with myself
(Do with myself)
I don't want nobody else

I let you in, I let you in
And you infected me
Can't get enough of you
Can't get enough of you
I breathed you in, I breathed you in
And now I'm in too deep
Don't think I'm pulling through
(Don't think I'm pulling through)
Can't get enough of you
(Can't get enough of you)

You're so contagious
Running through my veins
You're so contagious
Hanging onto every word
You're so contagious
And I can't get away
You're so contagious
And now I know for sure
There is no cure

I saw your intentions
I gave you permission
Go ahead and start the war
I was out of addictions
By my own admission
Oh, I've been keeping score
But you made an exception
You taught me a lesson
Who cares where I've been before?
You would never leave me all by myself
All by myself
You don't want nobody else....."

Click the link if you want to read all of the lyrics. I didn't start from the beginning and I didn't post them all. I just posted the parts I wanted to display. This song makes me think of.... who? Yeah, my boyfriend. Although, calling him contagious and accusing him of breaking through my barriers and infecting me isn't the most romantic thing in the world but I'm not the romantic kind of girl. I'm complicated, logical, realistic and it took a whole lot for him to get close to me. Even more difficult was I had to slow myself down. I wanted to trust him and wanted to give in to him and take my walls down for him more so than I do for anyone else. I wanted to be more open more quickly. For that, it scared the shit out of me and made me a little crazy. I wanted to trust him faster than I trusted myself to be able to do and that set me to trying to put up extra walls because I've never met someone who is so good, kind and genuinely caring as my boyfriend is. It scared me and for that, the poor boy probably had it worse than any other person who has ever tried to get close to me. I'm glad he's endured and surpassed every single thing I've thrown at him though. =)

Happy
Monday!