"Music doesn't have to be so fucking dramatic."

Words I heard from someone today: "I hate how people make music such a dramatic thing, it's just music you don't have to attach so much meaning and drama to a fucking song. You can just listen to it and enjoy the artistry without making it a big, emotional deal."

That's definitely not the first time I've heard or directly been told that, either. To that, I say....

Yes, yes you can JUST ENJOY MUSIC as is without attaching any meaning or emotions to it. Some songs, that's all I do. Ellie Goulding's "Lights", Billy Joel's "The River of Dreams" and Opeth's "The Grand Conjuration" are three of my favorite songs to just listen to and enjoy. They're all very different songs about vastly different things and I just enjoy them.

Then there are other songs that do inspire emotional reactions.

I cannot bring myself to listen to Linkin Park's "My December" because it reminds me of a friend that died in a car crash caused by a drunk driver. We listened to that song so many times because she loved to hear me sing along with it and she also loved the song. The first time I heard it after she died, I had to pull the car over because I completely lost my composure and sat in a gas station parking lot sobbing for 10 minutes. All I could think about was her and how ironically she'd said a few weeks before she died that she wanted to get some of the lyrics from that song tattooed on her arm as a graduation gift because she was going to get through nursing school despite the dozens of obstacles in her way. I remember how she had laughed and said she had better live a long damn laugh after all the years she's spent in school and all the hard work it took to finish highschool and get through nursing school all while raising a beautiful baby girl. I remembered how her face lit up when she listened to me sing that song fir the first time. She said I put all the right emotions into the words that she felt the most and that made her feel better about everything because it made her realize she wasn't so alone because we were both lost and struggling with the same things in different circumstances. I still get a little sad and miss her whenever I stumble across that song so I skip passed it and don't listen to it.

I can't listen to another song, one by a band I absolutely love, because that was the song an ex boyfriend had on loop the night I found him on his bathroom floor covered in blood because he had tried to kill himself. I had to unplug his boombox to get that song to stop playing because it was stuck on repeat and I couldn't change it. I hear that song and it reminds me of that because that's an incredibly vivid memory I have involving the song and that's not something I want to think about or relive in my mind again.

I get that some people would think it's ridiculous to refuse to listen to a song because of memories it brings up or because of emotions it evokes. I get that some people don't connect the dots between music and moments. That some people don't involved emotion with the music. I get that for some people music is just noise to fill the silence. I'm not one of those people.

It's not even just connecting with the words of a song. Sometimes I hear a guitar solo on a blues guitar that fills me with so much joy that I feel like my chest might explode. Or I'll hear someone play something on a piano that's so beautiful and soulful that I end up filled with the emotion the artist is channeling into their music. Sometimes when I play piano, it's for fun. Sometimes it's because I need to express something but I can't find the words so I let my fingers dance across the keys until I feel better.

For me, music is a lot of things. It is fun and enjoyable and doesn't always have a lot of meaning in it. Then sometimes I hear a song that so beautifully articulates thoughts or feelings I have or an experience I'm going through or have gone through and it becomes an emotional thing for me. Sometimes I can't find the right words to express how I feel but then there's a song that expresses it all perfectly and I feel connected to that song. Even if it's someone I'll never meet, hearing words that I relate to so personally helps me feel less alone in any given situation. Which has helped me feel like I could keep going more times than I can count. I'm incredibly passionate about music so it's next to impossible to just leave my emotions at the door sometimes. 

So, when someone tells me I need to "stop being so dramatic" about music and "just enjoy it", I can't help but laugh a little bit.

10 Facts

I got challenged to post 10 facts about me around a month ago. I've put it off for a little bit now but since someone is starting to pester me about doing her challenge, I'm going to get it done so she'll stop bugging me about doing it. *heart emoji goes here*

Fact #1: I hate avocado. In any and every form possible. I don't want it on my sandwich, I don't want it in a dip, I don't want slices of it breaded then deep fried, I don't want slices of it on my tacos, I don't want your guacamole near my precious tortilla chips, I don't want it in my chicken tortilla soup, I don't want it in my healthy smoothie, I don't want it anywhere near me.  

Fact #2: That dark gloomy day where the weather is just dark clouds, no sunshine and possibly some rain, thunder and lightning? I love those days most. I love rain and the gloomy weather always feels completely comforting to me.

Fact #3: I consume a lot of 2% milk but I never actually drink it. I just eat cereal a lot. Really, A LOT. For breakfast, for lunch, sometimes for dinner when my boyfriend's working late, sometimes late night snacks. Some days I'll eat cereal multiple times that day. Not because it's easy and I'm lazy, I just really like cereal and like almost any kind of cereal. I have 6 boxes of cereal on hand right now and none of them are being neglected.

Fact #4: I hate uncooked tomatoes unless it's salsa. I love salsa. Give me all your salsa. Unless it's mild or tamer in heat, then you can keep it.

Fact #5: I have small hands. My mittens or gloves pretty much have to be purchased from the kid's section otherwise they'll be too big. On the plus side, kid sized mittens are way cheaper than the slightly larger adult versions so I can usually buy 2 or 3 pairs for what 1 adult pair would cost me.

Fact #6: I got a pair of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle slippers (Raphael, to get specific) last year for a party I went to in pajamas. I got them for that party specifically because I never really wore slippers before, including slippers that had been given to me as gifts. I wear my TMNT slippers all the damn time. 

Fact #7: I put hot sauce on an obscene amount of things. My blood probably has traces of Cholula in it. 

Fact #8: I don't like pumpkin spice anything but give me salted caramel things or gingerbread things and I will (probably) eat all the things or drink all the things. Unless they're gross, then you can keep them. 

Fact #9: One of my favorite things in the world is seeing people really enjoy and appreciate things I've cooked or baked. There's not much than feels better than people enjoying and appreciating something I created. It's one of the best feelings.

Fact #10: I'm glad I'm done with this now. ;)

All done!

If you haven't checked it out, my 7th annual Toys for Tots holiday fundraiser is up and running. There are 30 days left to get your donations in! This year, there is a prize giveaway going on for anyone that donates. Just a $5 donation gets you in and there are just over 30 prizes up for grabs. Check out the list of prizes and and all the details right here. Feel free to share the fundraiser link over social media, too. I've had people ask if I mind them doing that and I most definitely do not mind at all! The more the merrier! ;)

Also I'm supposed to tag people for the 10 Facts but I'll spare everyone that. If you do end up doing it, let me know so I can come learn some things about you, too!

99 Things

I posted something on Tumblr and was then challenged to answer all 99 questions in the post. Instead of doing it on Tumblr, I decided I'd do it on here instead. I rarely do long text posts over there since that's what this space is for. 


1:Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?: Closed. Open would annoy me.

2:Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?: Sometimes, if they smell good and don't make my hair feel weird.

3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?: Out. My boyfriend's 6'8" so tucking them in is useless because he'll just knock them loose if I tuck them in. I've accepted this and let go of my want to have them tucked.

4:Have you ever stolen a street sign before?: No but I've been with people that were stealing a street sign before. Not in a really long time, though.

5:Do you like to use post-it notes?: Sometimes, when I think about using them. We have a dry erase board at home though so I tend to put notes on that.

6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?: Nope. 

7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?: Neither sounds pleasant at all, thanks. I think I'd have better luck against a swarm of bees. A beekeeper once told me to avoid water and instead run through shrubbery or bushes instead because it'll distract them. So I'll be the seemingly off balance person hauling ass through your shrubs if a bee swarm is coming at me.

8:Do you have freckles?: A light smattering across my nose.

9:Do you always smile for pictures?: Sometimes. I don't like pictures so it's hard to get excited about them, unless I've been drinking. Plus I tend to make a goofy face over smiling because I feel more comfortable doing that.

10:What is your biggest pet peeve?: LACK OF PUNCTUALITY. People that don't close their mouths while they're eating and there's all those sounds and sights and nope. People that try to get on an elevator, bus, etc before letting the people coming off out first. People that walk out into the street or into a parking lot without checking traffic because their stupid face is buried in their phone instead of paying attention to what's going on around them. I'll stop there. :)

11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk?: Sometimes I do. 

12:Have you ever peed in the woods?: Nope, I stay out of the woods.

13:What about pooped in the woods?: Nope, I stay out of the woods.

14:Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?: Oh yeah.

15:Do you chew your pens and pencils?: NO. I HATE THAT.

16:How many people have you slept with this week?: One.

17:What size is your bed?: Queen, obviously. ;) 

18:What is your Song of the week?: "Control" by Halsey and "Watch Me Drown" by Seether.

19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink?: They can wear whatever they want. 

20:Do you still watch cartoons?: Occasionally. Animated movies far more often.

21:Whats your least favorite movie?: Snakes On A Plane. My boyfriend and youngest brother love it so unfortunately I've seen it.

22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?: I'm not revealing that, thanks. ;)

23:What do you drink with dinner?: Sweet tea or some kind of other beverage depending on my mood and what I'm eating. Example, I like a margarita with Tex-Mex but wouldn't drink one with say spaghetti. 

24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in?: I don't eat chicken nuggets but it'd be ranch or barbecue sauce or hot wing sauce or honey mustard or spicy ranch or spicy ketchup. I LIKE A LOT OF STUFF OKAY.

25:What is your favorite food?: Italian. Tacos. Homemade macaroni and cheese.

26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love?: In & Out, Batman movies, Gone In 60 Seconds, Aladdin, The Last Samurai, The Boondock Saints, Wreck-It Ralph, Chef, the Underworld series, Big Hero 6, The Avengers, Lion King, Iron Man, Ghostbusters, Thor, Pirates of the Caribbean, Captain America, Maleficent, Skyfall, Tangled, Sherlock Holmes, Home Alone. I'll stop now. :D

27:Last person you kissed/kissed you?: Boyfriend.

28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout?: I was a girl scout for a brief time but wasn't really into it. 

29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?: Probably not.

30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?: Last week! :)

31:Can you change the oil on a car?: Yes, I can.

32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket?: Nope.


33:Ever ran out of gas?: Nope. I pay attention to the fuel indicator and the mileage indicator and if I'm starting to run low in an unfamiliar area, I stop before I need it just in case.

34:Favorite kind of sandwich?: Grilled cheese on sourdough or something spicy with chicken.

35:Best thing to eat for breakfast?: Depends on my mood. The best thing for breakfast ranges from cereal, bagel, fruit with yogurt, waffle with fruit or breakfast tacos.

36:What is your usual bedtime?: Whenever I'm tired. Usually I try to lay down around 10:30 since I get up really early for work but I rarely fall asleep before 11:30/midnight.

37:Are you lazy?: Nope. My boyfriend gives me a hard time because on "lazy days" I still clean or run errands or find things to do because I hate sitting around doing nothing.

38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?: Various things. Rock Star, witch, superheros, ninjas. 

39:What is your Chinese astrological sign?: Ox.

40:How many languages can you speak?: Two. 

41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions?: I don't even ready any magazines anymore.

42:Which are better legos or lincoln logs?: I LOVED THEM BOTH. But I still have Legos so probably those.

43:Are you stubborn?: Just a lit.... HAHAHAHAHA. Yeah. 

44:Who is better…Leno or Letterman?: I never cared for either.

45:Ever watch soap operas?: HARD PASS.

46:Are you afraid of heights?: Not at all.

47:Do you sing in the car?: Oh hell yes.

48:Do you sing in the shower?: Oh hell yes.

49:Do you dance in the car?: Sometimes, if there's a song I feel like moving to.

50:Ever used a gun?: I've shot one before. 

51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?: So very long ago that I don't even remember exactly.

52:Do you think musicals are cheesy?: I love musicals.

53:Is Christmas stressful?: Not particularly but I get my shopping done early and don't plan too many parties/events so I can enjoy all the fun parts of the season.

54:Ever eat a pierogi?: Mmmm, yes.

55:Favorite type of fruit pie?: Apple.

56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?: Rock star, firefighter.

57:Do you believe in ghosts?: I do. OoOoOoOohhhh.

58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?: Not often.

59:Take a vitamin daily?: I do!

60:Wear slippers?: I own them but I rarely actually remember to wear them.

61:Wear a bath robe?: Yes, it's super comfy.

62:What do you wear to bed?: An oversized tshirt or nothing.

63:First concert?: Backstreet Boys.

64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?: Target.

65:Nike or Adidas?: Nike.

66:Cheetos Or Fritos?: Neither.

67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?: Neither.

68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?: I have not... until now.

69:Ever take dance lessons?: Nope, I just work with what skills I've got naturally.

70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?: No, as long as they're happy and not harming anyone else, I couldn't care less.

71:Can you curl your tongue?: I can.

72:Ever won a spelling bee?: I have. 

73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy?: Probably but I can't think of anything specific.

74:Own any record albums?: A few.

75:Own a record player?: Not anymore.

76:Regularly burn incense?: Not regularly since they give my boyfriend headaches.

77:Ever been in love?: A couple times. 

78:Who would you like to see in concert?: Queen but with Freddie Mercury so science needs to get up on teleporting so I can go back in time and make that happen.

79:What was the last concert you saw?: Garth Brooks last weekend.

80:Hot tea or cold tea?: I like both.

81:Tea or coffee?: I like both.

82:Sugar or snickerdoodles?: I don't care much for cookies since I work in a cookie shop surrounded by cookies 5 days a week, every week, for the last three years.

83:Can you swim well?: Yes! I love to swim.

84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?: Yes.

85:Are you patient?: Not terribly so. I'm working on it.

86:DJ or band, at a wedding?: Whatever the people getting married prefer, I don't care.

87:Ever won a contest?: A few but not in a while. The boyfriend has better luck with that which works out pretty well for me.

88:Ever have plastic surgery?: Nope.

89:Which are better black or green olives?: I can't eat olives.

90:Can you knit or crochet?: Nope and nope.

91:Best room for a fireplace?: In a house that actually sits in a place where the weather makes sense for one to be present.

92:Do you want to get married?: Maybe. It's never been a big deal for me.

93:If married, how long have you been married?: Zero years and counting.

94:Who was your HS crush?: Hell if I know, I probably had tons of crushes on various girls and guys when I was highschool aged.

95:Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?: No, I'm not childish nor petty.

96:Do you have kids?: Nope.

97:Do you want kids?: I absolutely do not.

98:Whats your favorite color?: Red, purple, green, orange.

99:Do you miss anyone right now?: I wasn't but this question always and forever makes me think of people I do miss, so.

You're Never Too Old To Have Fun

You're never too old to do things you enjoy doing. If it makes you happy, why put an age limit on it? Whether that's coloring books, riding all the rides at an amusement park, water gun fights, board games, dodge ball, going to a paintball park, video games, stomping in a puddle once in a while or anything else that makes you feel good. 

I don't understand when people stop doing things they enjoy because they feel like they're "too old" to be doing them anymore. If it's for a health reason that you have to give it up, that's unfortunate but you taking care of you is more important than any fun thing you do.

If you're just quitting something you still like doing because you feel like you shouldn't be doing it anymore because you're "too old" to be doing something immature or silly, that's nonsense. You need things that bring you joy, even if it's just thirty minutes with a video game or a spirited game of dodge ball.

"Being an adult" and "growing up" shouldn't mean you also have to give up things that bring you happiness. I know several people that think I'm a rather immature 30 year old and honestly, I couldn't care less. If it makes me "less of an adult" to anyone because I still color in coloring books (even before my therapist had me pick up art therapy specific coloring books) or thinks I'm "immature" because I've organized a water balloon/water gun fight with other "immature adults" then cool, you're certainly entitled to your opinion. I however, don't currently and likely won't ever agree with that sentiment. 

I don't know where people think getting older and becoming an adult means you have to just stop having fun. Being an adult is stressful. Working so you can pay bills and make a living is stressful. Being an adult in itself isn't that fun. It's full of responsibilities and things that are inherently not fun. That's not a bad thing, that's just the course of life. I'm glad I'm not a child anymore. I love having my own place, cooking my own meals and creating a life for myself and my partner. As stressful as adulthood can be, I'm fine where I'm at. I also just refuse to believe that I can't also still have fun and fun as an adult doesn't have to be dinner parties and happy hours and trips to the museum. I do love all of those things as well but there's also nothing wrong with having a water balloon fight or planning a trip to a paintball course to climb obstacles and fire off speedy little balls of paint at a high rate of speed in hopes they'll explode in bright colors once it hits it's target (AKA your friend.) 

If you don't enjoy things, it's cool to let them go and not do them anymore. There are some things I used to enjoy that if you presented me to them now, I'd decline because they don't hold any appeal for me anymore. Some things you do grow out of or simply lose interest in, that's also just how life goes. We're growing and evolving and that includes our interests and hobbies, too. Just don't deprive yourself of things you still enjoy doing because you feel like you're "too old" to enjoy them anymore. 

Apropos Of Nothing

A little boy and his mom came into my job to pick up some brownies and cookies a few days ago. The lady was joking with the little boy, he was maybe 5 or 6 I think, about him working in a bakery so he could bring her home free sweets all the time. This kid scrunched his face up at his mom and said, "I'm going to be too busy being Captain America to make cookies mom." She asked him, "but what if someone else is busy being Captain America, then would you work in a bakery and bring me sweets?" He rolled his eyes and said, "but if someone if busy being Captain America, I'll just be Black Widow instead." She laughed. I gave the kid a high five and told him I admired his goals. He asked me, "but wait. Maybe. Are you a secret spy but pretending to give people cookies instead because then I can work here I guess." I told him I couldn't tell him if I were secretly a spy or not because then it wouldn't be a secret. He was satisfied and his mom thanked me quietly for playing along and humoring them as they waited. I said I didn't mind and told her I always try to support creativity and imagination when I get the chance. My niece is 4 and the last time I was with her we cooked up a three course meal in her play kitchen and then spent 15 minutes feeding all of the dolls and stuffed animals she had in her room. I believe in never crushing a kid with a great imagination and creativity. I see so many people telling kids to stop doing things like that because it's "nonsense" but really, they just don't understand how special that creativity is. Don't crush their imagination or sense of wonder or tell them their creative outlets are a waste of time. 

    ******

I want to thank those that have supported  me in my Walk To End Alzheimer's so far. Whether it's support through a donation or through posting links and photos for me to spread awareness or just offering kind words, I appreciate it so much. I've been having a lot of health struggles lately so I haven't been able to put as much time and effort into fundraising this year and I set a smaller donation goal because of that. I'm only $170 away from hitting my $750 donation goal. There are still 3 weeks left if you want to donate and thought you were out of time. Even a $5 or $10 donation helps. Every little bit adds up to something better.

   ******

There is a song out right now called "Girl Crush" by Little Big Town. I hate when this song comes on at work because I can't turn it off at work. Basically she sings about wanting a man that another woman has and so she obsesses about every detail of the girl. 

The chorus: "I wanna taste her lips, yeah, ‘cause they taste like you
I wanna drown myself in a bottle of her perfume
I want her long blonde hair, I want her magic touch
Yeah, ‘cause maybe then you’d want me just as much
I got a girl crush, I got a girl crush"

I think this annoys me because a lot of the time, people like to assume that being bisexual/pansexual is just a phase. It's just indecision. You're just idealizing someone else for the wrong reasons. So many things and that's another post for another day. Back to this. This song just annoys me because this isn't about a girl having a crush on another girl. This isn't what a crush is for anyone. An obsession over someone because you're envious of them and want the person that wants them instead of you is not a crush. It is creepy and pretty unhealthy. I might end up writing a longer post on this one day considering I posted a shorter version of this rant on Twitter yesterday and actually had two people angry at me. One lead to a positive discussion, the other not so much. We'll see.

That's all I've got for today. 

Happy Friday!

It's Never "Just Music" For Me.

"It's just music" is a phrase that has never made sense to me. I never really find myself able to relate when people don't really care about music or don't get anything out of it. When I meet someone who cares zero about music and rarely to never spends time listening to anything, I feel confusion mote often than not. People that say it's "just music" don't usually understand why a song or lyrics or a piece of beautiful instrumental noise leaves me feeling anywhere from elated to heavy-hearted and everywhere in between.

To me, music is more to me than noise I hear with my ears. I love music. I'd rather listen to music or play something over watching TV. I'm passionate about music. I feel it with every fiber of my being. I get lost in it. It fills my ears and head and I let my mind and soul absorb it. It's beautiful, it's sad, it's life, it's love, it's calming, it's adrenaline pumping.

Music is soothing.

Music is passion.

Music is emotion.

Music is escape.

Music is poetry.

Music is therapeutic.

Music is life.

There is very little I love more than going to a live show and feeling the music physically shake me to my core as the words sink into my soul. Or if there are no words, letting the music wash over me, engaging my senses.

A drum solo gets my heart pounding and my blood moving. I feel so alive. I feel like I could run up a wall. I bounce on the balls of my feet as it builds and feel like I might burst at the seams with energy as it hits the finishing point.

The beauty in hearing classical piano or violin calms me when I'm feeling everything but calm. It can soothe anxiety, calm stress, help me relax, send rest, push the noise out and bring contentment.

A guitar solo can be exhilarating and make me feel like I can conquer anything. Or it can give me an outlet and work like a sieve, filtering out anger and angst and things I need to push out.

Loud rock music is often so therapeutic for me. Loud guitars, heavy drums, words screaming out at me that make me feel comfort and bring me out of my own head.

Music is love, happiness, sadness, anger, contentment, joy, angst, passion, loss, betrayal, comforting, exciting, calming and so many other things.

Music makes me react physically, emotionally and mentally.

It fills my ears and perforates my mind.

It invades my thoughts, attaches to memories, creates feelings, collides with emotions already present.

Music recognizes the thoughts and emotions that I can't find the words to express.

It's an escape when I need it to be and offers clarity at times.

It makes me feel things.

It makes me stop feeling things.

It's overwhelming and just enough.

It's a lot of things to me but it's definitely never just music.