What Does Progress Look Like?

Last week in therapy:

I expressed frustration to my therapist because I was feeling like I haven't been making any progress. She asked me what I felt like progress looked like, what I wanted progress to feel like. I honestly didn't have an answer because I hadn't given any real thought to the concept of progress. I just had this vague idea in my mind of progress without really thinking about what that might look or feel like. She let me sit there a few minutes to try and gather any thoughts I had but I still came up with nothing.

She said, "let me tell you about your progress then. At times, it can be difficult to see it yourself when it's happening gradually and slowly. Sometimes we need an outsider to show us how we're changing."

Honestly, I had to actively keep from rolling my eyes because it sounded so cliche. I didn't because I remembered I tend to think of a lot of cliches as being considered cliche because they're a simple truth that's stated frequently. So, I waited.

Therapist: "A year ago today, what were you doing?"

Me: "I have no idea. I was maybe in Austin or working or at the pool or something like that. Just another day."

Therapist: "What you weren't doing was sitting in front of a therapist getting yourself the help you needed and deserved. I'd call you still sitting in front of me progress. I'd call you still working every day to achieve mental wellness progress. Do you agree?"

Me: "I consider that progress but I don't feel like I've done much more than seek out professional help."

Therapist: "Okay lets start with anxiety. Are you using the tools and techniques I've given you for managing your anxiety?"

Me: "Yes."

Therapist: "Are those helping you manage your anxiety?"

Me: "Well yeah but-"

Therapist: "There isn't a but there. You're doing the things you need to do, that's progress. Every day you get out of bed and try, you're making progress. Every day you look in the mirror and tell yourself you have to keep moving, you're making progress. Every day you're feeling sad and reach out to someone or do something for yourself, you're making progress. Even days when you're feeling your depression or your anxiety or anything negative and you acknowledge it and let it know you see it and know you won't let it win in the end, you're making progress. If you can take all of this in and still don't feel like you're making progress, we can talk about that, we can work on that until you feel like you're making progress."

We continued discussing the progress she's seen in other areas and it's just little things. Things I hadn't even really noticed yet. When we ended, I had a lot to think about.  

I thought about all the little things that didn't look like progress but in fact was that exactly. Putting real thought into what I wanted progress to look like and be versus what realistic progress for me actually looks like. A realization that I was looking for some big thing to happen to feel like I've been making progress hit me and I started laughing at my self. I'm forever talking about how the little things in life add up to something bigger, something more, and here I was ignoring my own little victories that are adding up to something more.

Progress isn't the same for any two people. It's like two people having the same mental health issue, it's not the same even if it is the same disorder because it does different things for different people. We feel the same things but it's not the same exact experience. It makes logical sense that recovering and improving your mental health won't be the same as anyone else's. The mental health issues people face are always unique to them. Depression isn't exactly the same for any two people. What works for some won't work for others and looking at other people and comparing yourself to them only sets you up for failure.

I now realize that "seeing progress" isn't a grand gesture that will present itself. It's not an epiphany that's going to show itself in brilliant blinding light so there's no way I can miss it. It's not an automatic shift in thoughts, feelings and moods that happens all at once.

Having a bad day doesn't mean I'm not making progress still. It just means I've had a bad day and need to not let that take over and wreck the progress I have made. A bad day or a couple bad days in a row are going to happen still but I can't let them win overall.

It's okay to still feel weak sometimes, too. I felt like bad days or feeling weak meant that I was sliding backwards and let them get to me more than I should have. It's been a weird thing learning how to handle myself and learning how to think differently. It's definitely not a bad thing and I don't get discouraged by the progress I still have to make to get to where I want to be. I realize I'm not where I was last year mentally and emotionally and that feels good. It's reassurance from myself that I am capable, I am strong and I can do this. As much as I need support from people around me, I also need to believe in myself and right now, I'm feeling stronger than I have in a while. That's the kind of progress I wanted, I just needed help seeing it.

I Don't Care What He Would Prefer I Do With My Hair

I keep my hair cut short during Spring and Summer. Texas gets HOT and having a lot of hair when it's so hot out makes me feel miserable. So, I cut most of my hair off until what's left is resting around my earlobes. Nothing feels better than that first day where I walk out into the warm sunshine and feel so much lighter and more free because I've lost five or more inches of hair.

I also have a tendency to change my hair color multiple times a year. I favor bright colors but my job doesn't allow any fun hair colors so the most I can get away with are shades of red. Which is fine because I love having red hair. I also play around with hair chalk on weekends to add more funky colors to my hair since hair chalk washes right out.

Two questions I get most often about my hair have nothing to do with the great work my stylist does or the funky hair chalks I like to add in to my colored hair.

The two I get the most are the same question inquiring about separate things and for the most part, these questions come from other women.

"What does your boyfriend think of your hair being that color?'

"Is your boyfriend a short hair man?"/"What does your boyfriend think of your hair being that short?"

This annoys me because what my boyfriend thinks of my hair doesn't factor in to what I do to my hair. It's MY hair and he has no claim over my hair and what I do with it.

My hair color changing he's fine. He often shows me pictures of beautiful, brightly colored hair to give me ideas for things I can do for hair chalk or for when I work in a place that doesn't have such a strict dress code.

My boyfriend likes long hair. He gets a little sad when I go to cut off my long wavy locks at the start of the hot hot heat. He never tries to talk me out of it or never tries to pretend he has any say over what I do with my hair though because he understands his preference for my hair isn't relevant.

It's not that I don't appreciate his opinion on things because I do. I talk things over with him all the time and regularly bounce ideas off of him because I value his opinion and enjoy getting his perspective on things. How I dress, what eye makeup I wear, what I do with my hair and superficial aesthetic things like those have no real impact on our relationship. It's not like I cut my hair to spite him. How I look is up to me and I do what I'm comfortable with and I do what makes me happy.

What typically follows these questions is, "well if he prefers long hair, why would you cut it short?"

Again, IT'S MY HAIR AND I WANTED IT SHORT TO BE MORE COMFORTABLE AND BECAUSE IT'S CUTE SO I CUT IT SHORT. I don't need anyone's approval to do something to my appearance.

I've never understood the notion that if the person I'm in a relationship doesn't like a certain aesthetic then it means I shouldn't do it anymore. Thankfully, I'm with a person that doesn't try to dictate or pressure me into looking a certain way. He might not like the short hair or the lime green eyeliner but he doesn't try to discourage me from doing things that I enjoy because they're not his preference. He doesn't pressure me or shame me. He understands that I'm the one in control of my body and in control of what I do with it. As long as I'm not hurting myself, he doesn't care as long as I'm happy.

Now if only other people would be as awesome as my boyfriend and stop asking me (and I'm sure asking other people) why I do things to my appearance for myself without considering what he would prefer, that would be rad.

Apropos Of Nothing

A little boy and his mom came into my job to pick up some brownies and cookies a few days ago. The lady was joking with the little boy, he was maybe 5 or 6 I think, about him working in a bakery so he could bring her home free sweets all the time. This kid scrunched his face up at his mom and said, "I'm going to be too busy being Captain America to make cookies mom." She asked him, "but what if someone else is busy being Captain America, then would you work in a bakery and bring me sweets?" He rolled his eyes and said, "but if someone if busy being Captain America, I'll just be Black Widow instead." She laughed. I gave the kid a high five and told him I admired his goals. He asked me, "but wait. Maybe. Are you a secret spy but pretending to give people cookies instead because then I can work here I guess." I told him I couldn't tell him if I were secretly a spy or not because then it wouldn't be a secret. He was satisfied and his mom thanked me quietly for playing along and humoring them as they waited. I said I didn't mind and told her I always try to support creativity and imagination when I get the chance. My niece is 4 and the last time I was with her we cooked up a three course meal in her play kitchen and then spent 15 minutes feeding all of the dolls and stuffed animals she had in her room. I believe in never crushing a kid with a great imagination and creativity. I see so many people telling kids to stop doing things like that because it's "nonsense" but really, they just don't understand how special that creativity is. Don't crush their imagination or sense of wonder or tell them their creative outlets are a waste of time. 

    ******

I want to thank those that have supported  me in my Walk To End Alzheimer's so far. Whether it's support through a donation or through posting links and photos for me to spread awareness or just offering kind words, I appreciate it so much. I've been having a lot of health struggles lately so I haven't been able to put as much time and effort into fundraising this year and I set a smaller donation goal because of that. I'm only $170 away from hitting my $750 donation goal. There are still 3 weeks left if you want to donate and thought you were out of time. Even a $5 or $10 donation helps. Every little bit adds up to something better.

   ******

There is a song out right now called "Girl Crush" by Little Big Town. I hate when this song comes on at work because I can't turn it off at work. Basically she sings about wanting a man that another woman has and so she obsesses about every detail of the girl. 

The chorus: "I wanna taste her lips, yeah, ‘cause they taste like you
I wanna drown myself in a bottle of her perfume
I want her long blonde hair, I want her magic touch
Yeah, ‘cause maybe then you’d want me just as much
I got a girl crush, I got a girl crush"

I think this annoys me because a lot of the time, people like to assume that being bisexual/pansexual is just a phase. It's just indecision. You're just idealizing someone else for the wrong reasons. So many things and that's another post for another day. Back to this. This song just annoys me because this isn't about a girl having a crush on another girl. This isn't what a crush is for anyone. An obsession over someone because you're envious of them and want the person that wants them instead of you is not a crush. It is creepy and pretty unhealthy. I might end up writing a longer post on this one day considering I posted a shorter version of this rant on Twitter yesterday and actually had two people angry at me. One lead to a positive discussion, the other not so much. We'll see.

That's all I've got for today. 

Happy Friday!

Toys for Tots Fundraiser #6, Final Post!

I have done this fundraiser in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013 and last year in 2014 making it the 6th year in a row. 

In 2014, I received $615 in donations (including the cash I personally put in) to buy a total of 95 toys& games for Tots for Tots. Then another person who is great but won't let me thank him by name made a $100 donation directly to Toys for Tots in my name since he forgot which date he needed to donate for me to get my shopping done & the toys delivered. Last year was a super successful drive especially given the short time frame I did it in because I started so late.

I LOVE doing this each year and am so happy I took the chance to see what would happen that first year back in 2009. 

If you want to see final results of the fundraiser from years passed, you can check all of those out here:

The final results from 2009: Here
The final results from 2010: Here
The final results from 2011: Here 
The final results from 2012: Here
The final results from 2013: Here


Here are a few photos from the 2014 Fundraiser:

















If you want to see the full album then just *click here* to take a look at the Toys for Tots 2014 Flickr page to view the rest of them. 

I want to say thank you to those of you who donated. Whether it was $2, $10, $25, $50 or more; it doesn't matter. I appreciate it and I know the families that benefit from Toys for Tots doing what they do appreciate it, too. I have so much fun being able to do this. I've donated to Toys for Tots since I was a little kid and my mom let us each buy a couple toys of our choosing to give to them and kept doing so for as long as I can remember.  So blame her for getting me started into this one. ;) Doing it on such a large scale the last few years has been so awesome. I couldn't do it without all of your help so thank you. I also want to say thank you to everyone who posted on their blogs, tweeted links and otherwise badgered told their friends and readers alike about what I had going on in hopes of getting more donations. To everyone who donated or helped in some way... thanks so much! You're wonderful and I heart you. :) Until next time!

XoXo 

It's Never "Just Music" For Me.

"It's just music" is a phrase that has never made sense to me. I never really find myself able to relate when people don't really care about music or don't get anything out of it. When I meet someone who cares zero about music and rarely to never spends time listening to anything, I feel confusion mote often than not. People that say it's "just music" don't usually understand why a song or lyrics or a piece of beautiful instrumental noise leaves me feeling anywhere from elated to heavy-hearted and everywhere in between.

To me, music is more to me than noise I hear with my ears. I love music. I'd rather listen to music or play something over watching TV. I'm passionate about music. I feel it with every fiber of my being. I get lost in it. It fills my ears and head and I let my mind and soul absorb it. It's beautiful, it's sad, it's life, it's love, it's calming, it's adrenaline pumping.

Music is soothing.

Music is passion.

Music is emotion.

Music is escape.

Music is poetry.

Music is therapeutic.

Music is life.

There is very little I love more than going to a live show and feeling the music physically shake me to my core as the words sink into my soul. Or if there are no words, letting the music wash over me, engaging my senses.

A drum solo gets my heart pounding and my blood moving. I feel so alive. I feel like I could run up a wall. I bounce on the balls of my feet as it builds and feel like I might burst at the seams with energy as it hits the finishing point.

The beauty in hearing classical piano or violin calms me when I'm feeling everything but calm. It can soothe anxiety, calm stress, help me relax, send rest, push the noise out and bring contentment.

A guitar solo can be exhilarating and make me feel like I can conquer anything. Or it can give me an outlet and work like a sieve, filtering out anger and angst and things I need to push out.

Loud rock music is often so therapeutic for me. Loud guitars, heavy drums, words screaming out at me that make me feel comfort and bring me out of my own head.

Music is love, happiness, sadness, anger, contentment, joy, angst, passion, loss, betrayal, comforting, exciting, calming and so many other things.

Music makes me react physically, emotionally and mentally.

It fills my ears and perforates my mind.

It invades my thoughts, attaches to memories, creates feelings, collides with emotions already present.

Music recognizes the thoughts and emotions that I can't find the words to express.

It's an escape when I need it to be and offers clarity at times.

It makes me feel things.

It makes me stop feeling things.

It's overwhelming and just enough.

It's a lot of things to me but it's definitely never just music.

Happy Things- Revisited

I found a list I made of 40 things that make me happy from several years ago. I decided to revisit that list and add commentary to it to see if anything has changed a whole bunch of years later. 

40 Things That Make Me Happy - Revisited.

• Hockey. (Some days it makes me feel murderrageface but I still love it.)  -DUH YES OF COURSE.
• Warm showers. -YES.
• Music. -YES ALWAYS AND FOREVER.
• Hugs. -YES.
• Long walks. -Meh. Texas is hot, yo.
• Trips to the art museum. -YES. Probably always will. 
• Text messages. -I don't text much lately but that's not because I dislike texting.
• Dancing. -Yes, in my house, especially while I'm cleaning or whenever I feel like it. Clubs, no thank you, done with that noise.
• Ice cream. -YES. LOVE. ALWAYS. MMM.
• Sketching. -I stopped doing this for a while but my therapist has me sketching and doing art things again recently for different reasons but it's reminded me it's something I enjoy a lot.
• Sunshine and cool breezes. -YES. 
• Books. -YES. ALWAYS AND FOREVER. I don't even know what I'd do with downtime if I didn't have books to keep me amused.
• Paintball. -I still think it's fun once in a while but I don't dedicate much time to it and don't own equipment anymore. 
• Comic books/graphic novels. -YES. And recently discovered a few more really awesome comic book stores in my area. :D
• Racing go-karts. -Indifference, hello.
• Batman anything. -FOREVER.
• Sleeping in. -My body doesn't allow me to do this anymore. 
• Cooking and baking. -YES AND YES.
• Writing. -Yes but as I've talked about recently here, it's not something I've been doing a lot of though that's slowly changing. Huzzah.
• Laying in bed watching movies all day. -All day, no. Watching a movie or two is a good way to have a lazy night at home, though.
• Thunderstorms. -YES. Thunderstorms make me so happy. Or just rainy days. I love gloomy weather.
• Baseball. -YES. 
• Going to concerts. -YES ALL THE MUSIC PLEASE.
• Lazy Sundays. -Sometimes but they rarely happen. I always find things to do and prefer feeling productive.
• Puppies. -YES YES YES. 
• Watching my little brother play hockey. - YES. HOCKEY <3 font="">
• Hanging out with my siblings. -Yes. And I realize how lucky I am that as adults, we get along and enjoy spending time together when I know so many people that are always at odds or indifferent to their own.
• Doctor Who. -YES.
• Bubbles. -YES.
• Going to the driving range. -YES. I love golf and hitting some golf balls is fun for me. And yes, I get grief about loving golf and no I don't care. ;)
• Coffee. -YES. I drink it much less than I used to. Which isn't a bad thing except when it is. 
• Long conversations with lots of laughing. -Duh. This will always make me happy.
• Forehead kisses. -Yes please. 
• Disney movies. (Aladdin is my favorite, in case you were curious. ;)) -YES and Aladdin is still my #1. 
• Ice skating. -YES although I do it much less now that my best friend lives 1,300 miles away.
• Shoulder & back massages. -Another thing that will probably always make me happy.
• Pixar movies. -YES.  I will watch just about anything animated. 
• Swimming. -YES. WATER. LOVE.
• Playing board games. -Pretty sure I'll always love this. And now I know a handful of people that share this love so I can actually have board game parties now. Yes, it's as fucking rad as it sounds, thanks. :D
• Sunday brunch with friends. -Another thing I rarely do anymore but should probably do again once in a while because I like brunch. And friends. And brunch. Food. Yay.

That was an easy list to revisit, haha. Also a good reminder for a few things I should start doing again. 

Also, while we're on the subject of things that make me happy (doing good things makes me happy): it's Walk To End Alzheimer's time. Check out my story here and if you feel in the giving spirit, a donation to help me reach my goal by walk day would be pretty rad. Even $5 helps towards Alzheimer's  care, support and research. 

Happy Friday. 

Vulnerability.

I've blogged about therapy twice in recent weeks. One a long post with lots of details and the other a shorter piece with lots of talk about feelings and things of a deeply personal nature.

Yet I didn't post either of them. They're both saved as drafts but I'm not sure I'll ever post either of them. If I don't hit publish, then I essentially just wrote something as if it were in a pen and paper journal. No one will see it but it's still there and as long as it's sits in draft mode, I can go back and read it whenever I want. I think sometimes, I just need to write things out for myself. And there's something comforting knowing I can go back and read over my thoughts again knowing that they're out of my head but still my own privately.

The thing I've always loved most about writing is that I never police myself here. In this space, it's easy for me to say the things that I might struggle to get passed my lips. I know if I hit publish, some people are going to read it. Even some people I know in my real life are going to read it. It doesn't bother me, though. I'm not sitting in front of them as they're reading it. I'm not engaged in a dialog via text message telling someone these things, waiting for a reply. I'm relaying my thoughts and feelings to people but it's not a direct form of communication so I don't get that same vulnerable feeling that I hate. It's not judgment I fear from others because that I can deal with. Making myself feel vulnerable in front of another person, I struggle with that and like to try to avoid it as much as humanly possible. Which is something I'm working on being better about but I'm not there yet.

Writing things out here doesn't erase all the vulnerability, though. At times, when I'm writing about things that are deeply personal, I still feel a little vulnerable because I think it's near impossible to not feel some slight sense of vulnerability when you're writing about something deeply personal. When it's something that's hard for you, something that's hurt you or caused you grief, it's hard to write about those experiences without feeling raw about it. 

When I write specifically about my mental health or my friend's suicide or my grandfather's death (as a few examples), sometimes I want to erase things I've put down because they feel too personal. I rarely actually do that, though. As much as I hate feeling vulnerable, sometimes it feels really liberating to let go of whatever is making me feel that way. Even if I just letting go through words on a screen.